I’m really sad about who my son is

[Anonymous]

Does your family already have a pet? If not, I would suggest adopting a dog and give him primary responsibility if he likes the idea of getting a dog. If he is ambivalent, don't sell it as it's his responsiblity.

[Anonymous]

As a parent, we cannot guarantee our child's health or happiness. It's more than possible to do all the "right" things and have a less than stellar outcome. But that's not what we expect when we parent the "right" way.

I would ask him to develop an exit strategy for after high school. Once he's an adult, he has to contribute positively to the household or leave.

[Anonymous]

I love the outdoor school idea. Can you send him to a wilderness survival place for a few weeks (or months)? Let him feel what it means to really challenge himself, mentally and physically - not just jump through boring school hoops.

[Anonymous]

military

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:military

OP said he doesn’t qualify

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t even know where to start. As parents, we were loving, involved, provided opportunities for an excellent education, sports, music, tutors etc. We are kind, well informed, healthy, parents. Pursued therapy and medication as appropriate. My daughter turned out great.

My son is now 17 and

Smokes marijuana regularly (those who haven’t dealt with this please don’t go into where do they get it, the money etc. they find a way)
Does bare minimum at school
Has a crappy attitude
Quit all his sports
Has a terrible temper (think holes in walls)
Doesn’t exercise
Vapes/smokes
Eats horribly
Isn’t very motivated
Is immature
Risk taker
Adhd - takes medicine during school day
Some learning disabilities, not major


I am at a loss and trying not to give up on him, but it’s been years of trying to get him good help, support, trying to enforce boundaries and the list goes on. I’m just tired and incredibly sad about this.

You have described some of your son’s behaviors, not ‘who he is.’

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ADHD drugs can lead to addictions. The kid is given amphetamines and is self medicating with pot. It's toxic, it's not his fault.

Stop spreading misinformation. Teens with uncontrolled adhd (often those not on medication) are more likely to take drugs.

OP, some of this may be related to his adhd, and each negative step results in the next. I would start with the doctor who is managing his adhd.

Parents should read the labels on the amphetamines for side affects and understand what they do to a growing brain. Most kids have no business popping study drugs it's the parents who are demanding amphetamines for kids for the purpose of a better GPA. Doctors know that if they don't prescribe the drugs, the parents will just go to another doctor who will.

OP here. I understand that view. We are in medicine. However, for my son, he never could understand why he didn’t do well in school, he is bright. Once we finally got him to take his non stimulant medication he did better and he said was able to concentrate for once. This helped his self esteem

Which medicine? And does he also take anti depressant or anti anxiety?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds sort of like a combination of my two kids at that age. Who he is now is not who he is going to be forever. I would be most worried about the anger issues and his desire to quit his activities, honestly. Is he still involved in something, even if it's not sports?

Some human beings are kind of lazy and unmotivated in the absence of mental health issues, esp. immature 17 year old boys with ADHD.

Your desire to have him eating certain food and exercising X amount is not going to fly now that he's almost an adult. You sound like you tie calorie intake or time spent a gym as indicators that someone is a good person.

Some kids who smoke weed regularly these days simply like smoking weed. It is not always an addiction, self-medication or a cry for help. Try having a frank conversation about how often he is doing it and why.

A lot of the smug parents posting here have teens who are using vapes under their noses. It's a bad habit, but it doesn't make your kid a degenerate. Most will outgrow it.

How is he with his friends? Some of his attitude and anger could just be as a result of tension in the household and parents who are disappointed with him.

Thank you for your post. I get that I mentioned his sister in the post, but I honestly work extremely hard at not doing this to him. I work at being upbeat and positive around him. He does talk to me pretty freely about stuff, including his marijuana use and why. Those are huge positives, I know. I try to help him be future thinking- and I’m really flexible in my thinking here. He may not be ready for college. I like to talk to him less about schools and more about where do you think you might like to live? . And “you’re creative and smart there are so many ways to be happy or find “success” in life” and I do believe what I say. I don’t expect 17 year old boys to eat perfectly or exercise , my husband is very disciplined on this front for himself so that’s largely a concern of his. I think I’m just getting nervous that time is running out and should we be doing something “bigger” to help him, like a wilderness program or similar.

One quick piece of advice, don't focus on the future or the past, just the here and now. Be in the moment with him and find ways to nudge him towards the things he does enjoy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t even know where to start. As parents, we were loving, involved, provided opportunities for an excellent education, sports, music, tutors etc. We are kind, well informed, healthy, parents. Pursued therapy and medication as appropriate. My daughter turned out great.

My son is now 17 and

Smokes marijuana regularly (those who haven’t dealt with this please don’t go into where do they get it, the money etc. they find a way)
Does bare minimum at school
Has a crappy attitude
Quit all his sports
Has a terrible temper (think holes in walls)
Doesn’t exercise
Vapes/smokes
Eats horribly
Isn’t very motivated
Is immature
Risk taker
Adhd - takes medicine during school day
Some learning disabilities, not major


I am at a loss and trying not to give up on him, but it’s been years of trying to get him good help, support, trying to enforce boundaries and the list goes on. I’m just tired and incredibly sad about this.

Hi OP. Just want to share an encouraging word. I could've written almost this exact post two years ago about my kid but add in two psychiatric hospitalizations to the list. Junior year was incredibly stressful. Therapy with a therapist my kid respected and liked was very, very important as was finding the right medication. You may want to look into DBT therapy as this helped with building coping skills. It took two years for us to get through it. Our psychiatrist took more of a harm reduction approach to the marijuana use. It faded away once my kid was able to build skills to address anxiety. We just focused on what our kid needed and and not the norms in our community. For example, high school was a major stress point for my kid so for senior year my kid only took the classes required to graduate and this resulted in less stress and the shut down due to COVID-19 was a blessing in disguise - a chance to reset.

My main message is don't give up!

I hope this poster is still reading. I’ve been considering this for my DC for same reasons and an awful stressful year. Did your DC go on to apply for college and how did that work out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP your son was the type of guy I hung around with/dated in high school. Out of all of them that I am still in contact with 75% went on to have really nice lives. Not all of them went to college, some of them went at a later date. Others have successful HVAC businesses, tattoo artists, one started law school in his early thirties.
One of my brother-in-laws sounds a lot like your son and his parent's obvious disapproval and disappointment is felt throughout the family. I would suggest some individual or family counseling to work on that.

+1

Lots of people are like this. They find their way! It won’t be your way, but it’s his. My only advice is don’t give up. Does he want to go to college? That will give him possibilities, and it doesn’t even matter too much which college it is.

[Anonymous]

OP, you may want to look and see if any of SOAR's programs (camp or gap year) could be helpful to him. I am part of a group for moms of kids with ADHD, and many people have recommended it to me. We haven't tried it yet because my son is a tween and doesn't want to leave home for even a short period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t even know where to start. As parents, we were loving, involved, provided opportunities for an excellent education, sports, music, tutors etc. We are kind, well informed, healthy, parents. Pursued therapy and medication as appropriate. My daughter turned out great.

My son is now 17 and

Smokes marijuana regularly (those who haven’t dealt with this please don’t go into where do they get it, the money etc. they find a way)
Does bare minimum at school
Has a crappy attitude
Quit all his sports
Has a terrible temper (think holes in walls)
Doesn’t exercise
Vapes/smokes
Eats horribly
Isn’t very motivated
Is immature
Risk taker
Adhd - takes medicine during school day
Some learning disabilities, not major


I am at a loss and trying not to give up on him, but it’s been years of trying to get him good help, support, trying to enforce boundaries and the list goes on. I’m just tired and incredibly sad about this.

It's the ADHD and likely undiagnosed depression. When's the last time you had his meds evaluated?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am a man, and when I was 17, I had some of your son’s issues. No ADHD, pot or smoking but yes to:

Does bare minimum at school
Has a crappy attitude
Quit all his sports
Has a terrible temper (think holes in walls)
Doesn’t exercise Eats horribly
Isn’t very motivated
Is immature
Risk taker

In retrospect, I think I had depression and anxiety.

I got into college and then flunked out. Lived at home for a while... and then around age 22, pulled myself together, finished college, went to grad school, and now have a great job.

My mom was surprisingly patient. She didn’t give up on me. Age 18-25 is a tough period, but stay strong and keep your hopes up!

Different poster, but this is pretty common. I'm glad you had support from your parents. Men in particular seem to need a little more time to mature in order to fit into these stringent types of societal expectations.

[mermaidkitchen]

Love him. Show him you love him. Ask him what he wants for his life. Help him reach those goals while holding your own boundaries (ie living in your home smoking weed is not a life goal that would work for you). At 17 he is pretty much in charge of his own destiny. At the same time, he may be "resting" before he is ready to launch into life. Give him some space to make these decisions. The weed use is almost definitely self medication for anxiety/depression and he may stuck in a weed rut. If you can talk to him calmly about his use and why he uses and how it may be affecting him, you might lay the groundwork for him to moderate his own behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you may want to look and see if any of SOAR's programs (camp or gap year) could be helpful to him. I am part of a group for moms of kids with ADHD, and many people have recommended it to me. We haven't tried it yet because my son is a tween and doesn't want to leave home for even a short period.

Do you have a link? I looked but appeared for people at risk of homelessness?