Disgusted by Wife’s Obesity But Don’t Want a Divorce

[Anonymous]

You should find out why your wife is self medicating with food. It may be what you are doing or not doing. Happy wives don't self medicate with booze and food. It's a symptom of her emotional state- she is not OK. Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Presumably the same mirrors you have at home work for your wife, right? Maybe she doesn't want to be attractive to/for you.

OP here. I was never the worlds most attractive guy, but I’m basically the same I was when we got married. About 10 lbs heavier maybe half muscle half fat. Far stronger and fitter now.

Did you grow 2 or more babies in your womb for 9 months each, push them out of your vagina, and breastfeed them for a few months? Did you suffer any traumatic (emotionally or physically) injuries from that?

Do you help with the cooking, cleaning, child rearing (without her asking you), schedule doctor and orthodontist appointments, do the laundry, make your bed, plan birthday parties, sign permission slips, buy birthday presents, and carry half the mental load for the family?

I sympathize with your situation and wish your DW all the luck in her health/exercise journey but you sound like a jerk.

Oh here we go! The I had a baby now I can be a fatty excuse. I had a baby and was back to my size 6 six months later. No excuses, no explanations. I bet if they get divorced and she goes on back on the market she’ll lose weight.

Size 6 isn’t that great. Don’t strain a muscle patting yourself on the back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could be your wife OP. I have put on 40 lbs and it’s due to emotional eating. Depression and anxiety. What’s the state of your marriage? If we were to talk to your wife, how would she rate you as a husband?

+1. The alcohol is a big red flag to me - is she drinking excessively? Does she need help stopping? How is her emotional/mental health? Does she need therapy? This pandemic is wreaking havoc on people, so now is probably not the time (and I've been working out more, but I hate working out with my partner because he's in MUCH better shape than I am and its hard to be motivated - I'd rather do it on my own) to bring this up in conversation unless its solely centered around her mental and physical health, and support for helping her get what she needs to get healthier.

[Anonymous]

She's stressed.

And while you think you're being subtle, I'm 100% sure that your "disgust" of her is obvious to her. Which doesn't help.

You need to reduce her stress. What SHE is stressed about, not what YOU think she should be stressed about. Especially about crap like inlaws that guys can be oblivious about. Guys have a way of putting stress onto women and then blaming them for being stressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try hiring a full-time babysitter 3 days a week and telling your wife 'this is your time' but I want to go with you to a personal trainer I found.

Or better yet, you take the kids from after dinner until bedtime 3-5 days a week and tell her to do what she wants for a few hours.

Stuff her face with bonbons and wine?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Presumably the same mirrors you have at home work for your wife, right? Maybe she doesn't want to be attractive to/for you.

OP here. I was never the worlds most attractive guy, but I’m basically the same I was when we got married. About 10 lbs heavier maybe half muscle half fat. Far stronger and fitter now.

Did you grow 2 or more babies in your womb for 9 months each, push them out of your vagina, and breastfeed them for a few months? Did you suffer any traumatic (emotionally or physically) injuries from that?

Do you help with the cooking, cleaning, child rearing (without her asking you), schedule doctor and orthodontist appointments, do the laundry, make your bed, plan birthday parties, sign permission slips, buy birthday presents, and carry half the mental load for the family?

I sympathize with your situation and wish your DW all the luck in her health/exercise journey but you sound like a jerk.

Oh here we go! The I had a baby now I can be a fatty excuse. I had a baby and was back to my size 6 six months later. No excuses, no explanations. I bet if they get divorced and she goes on back on the market she’ll lose weight.

You do realize that not everyone is the same. Not all women are can bounce back after 6months and the fact that you think all women can do this tells me that ignorance about the differences in people's bodies is pervasive in men and women.

I'm not excusing OP's wife. And quite frankly, I was not attracted to DH when he was 40lbs over weight. He has lost that extra weight, mostly around the belly. But he acknowledges that men have it much easier in terms of losing weight. Before DH lost the weight I told him that when he hugs me it's uncomfortable because his belly pushes my body (I am very petite).

I don't know OP... it's a vicious cycle. She may feel badly about herself, and so she keeps eating. It's very discouraging to try to lose weight when you try and try and you barely lose a pound. That's how it is with some women. I can't even lose 5lbs right now, and I have started skipping breakfast, and yes, I "exercise" by walking a lot and gardening, and I don't eat that much. I still can't lose 5lbs. I'd have to go on a 1200 calorie diet to do so, but there's no way in h3ll I'm going to do that because I like eating good food. That doesn't mean I pig out, and I don't eat a lot of sweets. I barely eat any sweets, other than with my morning coffee. I don't have a sweet tooth, unlike my DH. But, like I said I still can't even lose 5lbs.


NP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's stressed.

And while you think you're being subtle, I'm 100% sure that your "disgust" of her is obvious to her. Which doesn't help.

You need to reduce her stress. What SHE is stressed about, not what YOU think she should be stressed about. Especially about crap like inlaws that guys can be oblivious about. Guys have a way of putting stress onto women and then blaming them for being stressed.

Look, here's the thing. She may be stressed. She may be depressed. She may be any number of other things. But SHE IS IN CHARGE OF HER. Not OP. Not his inlaws. No one is responsible for the wellbeing of another adult, unless they are chained in the basement. If she's depressed, it's on her to become un-depressed by whatever means. Seek treatment. Go to the doctor. Something! I hate it when grown women blame other people for what is happening to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Presumably the same mirrors you have at home work for your wife, right? Maybe she doesn't want to be attractive to/for you.

OP here. I was never the worlds most attractive guy, but I’m basically the same I was when we got married. About 10 lbs heavier maybe half muscle half fat. Far stronger and fitter now.

Did you grow 2 or more babies in your womb for 9 months each, push them out of your vagina, and breastfeed them for a few months? Did you suffer any traumatic (emotionally or physically) injuries from that?

Do you help with the cooking, cleaning, child rearing (without her asking you), schedule doctor and orthodontist appointments, do the laundry, make your bed, plan birthday parties, sign permission slips, buy birthday presents, and carry half the mental load for the family?

I sympathize with your situation and wish your DW all the luck in her health/exercise journey but you sound like a jerk.

Oh here we go! The I had a baby now I can be a fatty excuse. I had a baby and was back to my size 6 six months later. No excuses, no explanations. I bet if they get divorced and she goes on back on the market she’ll lose weight.

You do realize that not everyone is the same. Not all women are can bounce back after 6months and the fact that you think all women can do this tells me that ignorance about the differences in people's bodies is pervasive in men and women.

I'm not excusing OP's wife. And quite frankly, I was not attracted to DH when he was 40lbs over weight. He has lost that extra weight, mostly around the belly. But he acknowledges that men have it much easier in terms of losing weight. Before DH lost the weight I told him that when he hugs me it's uncomfortable because his belly pushes my body (I am very petite).

I don't know OP... it's a vicious cycle. She may feel badly about herself, and so she keeps eating. It's very discouraging to try to lose weight when you try and try and you barely lose a pound. That's how it is with some women. I can't even lose 5lbs right now, and I have started skipping breakfast, and yes, I "exercise" by walking a lot and gardening, and I don't eat that much. I still can't lose 5lbs. I'd have to go on a 1200 calorie diet to do so, but there's no way in h3ll I'm going to do that because I like eating good food. That doesn't mean I pig out, and I don't eat a lot of sweets. I barely eat any sweets, other than with my morning coffee. I don't have a sweet tooth, unlike my DH. But, like I said I still can't even lose 5lbs.


NP.

If you don't have THAT much extra weight, yes, it can be hard to lose 5 pounds. But I bet that if you were 40 pounds overweight, you'd be able to lose five!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could be your wife OP. I have put on 40 lbs and it’s due to emotional eating. Depression and anxiety. What’s the state of your marriage? If we were to talk to your wife, how would she rate you as a husband?

+1. The alcohol is a big red flag to me - is she drinking excessively? Does she need help stopping? How is her emotional/mental health? Does she need therapy? This pandemic is wreaking havoc on people, so now is probably not the time (and I've been working out more, but I hate working out with my partner because he's in MUCH better shape than I am and its hard to be motivated - I'd rather do it on my own) to bring this up in conversation unless its solely centered around her mental and physical health, and support for helping her get what she needs to get healthier.

Cutting out the alcohol will probably help her lose 5lbs, at least.

Try to be really sweet to her first for a while, then sweetly tell her "let's go have some adult time" and take her for a walk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's stressed.

And while you think you're being subtle, I'm 100% sure that your "disgust" of her is obvious to her. Which doesn't help.

You need to reduce her stress. What SHE is stressed about, not what YOU think she should be stressed about. Especially about crap like inlaws that guys can be oblivious about. Guys have a way of putting stress onto women and then blaming them for being stressed.

Look, here's the thing. She may be stressed. She may be depressed. She may be any number of other things. But SHE IS IN CHARGE OF HER. Not OP. Not his inlaws. No one is responsible for the wellbeing of another adult, unless they are chained in the basement. If she's depressed, it's on her to become un-depressed by whatever means. Seek treatment. Go to the doctor. Something! I hate it when grown women blame other people for what is happening to them.

It’s not clear that she thinks she needs to change anything. OP is the one who wants things to change and needs to communicate with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's stressed.

And while you think you're being subtle, I'm 100% sure that your "disgust" of her is obvious to her. Which doesn't help.

You need to reduce her stress. What SHE is stressed about, not what YOU think she should be stressed about. Especially about crap like inlaws that guys can be oblivious about. Guys have a way of putting stress onto women and then blaming them for being stressed.

Stress is a part of life, and adults need to manage their own stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's stressed.

And while you think you're being subtle, I'm 100% sure that your "disgust" of her is obvious to her. Which doesn't help.

You need to reduce her stress. What SHE is stressed about, not what YOU think she should be stressed about. Especially about crap like inlaws that guys can be oblivious about. Guys have a way of putting stress onto women and then blaming them for being stressed.

Look, here's the thing. She may be stressed. She may be depressed. She may be any number of other things. But SHE IS IN CHARGE OF HER. Not OP. Not his inlaws. No one is responsible for the wellbeing of another adult, unless they are chained in the basement. If she's depressed, it's on her to become un-depressed by whatever means. Seek treatment. Go to the doctor. Something! I hate it when grown women blame other people for what is happening to them.

If you have several small children, you may feel chained in the basement sometimes. It can be hard to go anywhere at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife is about 40 pounds overweight and short. She’s obese. I’m not really attracted to her anymore. Weight gain mostly started 5 years after last kid—this is not kid related. She just stopped working out and started eating more and more sweets and drinking more and more wine.

She doesn’t seem to care about looking good for me. Also a terrible role mode for our kids.

But I don’t want to hurt our kids with divorce. (The rest of our relationship is ok—not amazing or terrible.)

Any suggestions *from women* about how to talk to wife?

May not be pregnancy related, but often it's kid related.

Does she have time to work out? Actual time, not "after the kids go to bed" or "she can wake up an hour earlier". Pitch in with the kids more and take over morning/evening routines so she can get a workout in.

Who cooks? Take over half of the cooking (breakfast, lunch, and dinner - not just 3 dinners a week) and make healthy food.

The wine is a coping mechanism for something. What's she stressed about?

OP here. I do more than half the cooking and she works less than me. I make the time to workout. She doesn’t and refuses.

I never understand how someone feels that when they make time to workout, it automatically makes it easier for their spouse to work out. This is a zero sum game. Every hour you take to yourself is an hour that she has to be doing chores/childcare/working/etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife is about 40 pounds overweight and short. She’s obese. I’m not really attracted to her anymore. Weight gain mostly started 5 years after last kid—this is not kid related. She just stopped working out and started eating more and more sweets and drinking more and more wine.

She doesn’t seem to care about looking good for me. Also a terrible role mode for our kids.

But I don’t want to hurt our kids with divorce. (The rest of our relationship is ok—not amazing or terrible.)

Any suggestions *from women* about how to talk to wife?

May not be pregnancy related, but often it's kid related.

Does she have time to work out? Actual time, not "after the kids go to bed" or "she can wake up an hour earlier". Pitch in with the kids more and take over morning/evening routines so she can get a workout in.

Who cooks? Take over half of the cooking (breakfast, lunch, and dinner - not just 3 dinners a week) and make healthy food.

The wine is a coping mechanism for something. What's she stressed about?

OP here. I do more than half the cooking and she works less than me. I make the time to workout. She doesn’t and refuses.

I never understand how someone feels that when they make time to workout, it automatically makes it easier for their spouse to work out. This is a zero sum game. Every hour you take to yourself is an hour that she has to be doing chores/childcare/working/etc.

lol I know right?? Working out (including dressing down, stretch, shower, dress again, extra laundry) is a massively time consuming thing that my DH is a doll to support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should find out why your wife is self medicating with food. It may be what you are doing or not doing. Happy wives don't self medicate with booze and food. It's a symptom of her emotional state- she is not OK. Why?

+1000

The booze and food is her self medicating... why?