Disgusted by Wife’s Obesity But Don’t Want a Divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should find out why your wife is self medicating with food. It may be what you are doing or not doing. Happy wives don't self medicate with booze and food. It's a symptom of her emotional state- she is not OK. Why?

+1000

The booze and food is her self medicating... why?

+1001. People don’t just suddenly change their priorities. What happened five years ago?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's stressed.

And while you think you're being subtle, I'm 100% sure that your "disgust" of her is obvious to her. Which doesn't help.

You need to reduce her stress. What SHE is stressed about, not what YOU think she should be stressed about. Especially about crap like inlaws that guys can be oblivious about. Guys have a way of putting stress onto women and then blaming them for being stressed.

Look, here's the thing. She may be stressed. She may be depressed. She may be any number of other things. But SHE IS IN CHARGE OF HER. Not OP. Not his inlaws. No one is responsible for the wellbeing of another adult, unless they are chained in the basement. If she's depressed, it's on her to become un-depressed by whatever means. Seek treatment. Go to the doctor. Something! I hate it when grown women blame other people for what is happening to them.

If you have several small children, you may feel chained in the basement sometimes. It can be hard to go anywhere at all.

You don't need to go anywhere to eat less.

[Anonymous]

You should find out why your wife is self medicating with food. It may be what you are doing or not doing. Happy wives don't self medicate with booze and food. It's a symptom of her emotional state- she is not OK. Why?

+1000

The booze and food is her self medicating... why?

1+. Yeah, I feel like OP and many PPs are missing the forest for the trees. DW goes her whole life relatively healthy and then 5 years after last kid (so she's at least in her late 30's) she's just like *about face* I'mma gonna get fat for no reason?? I can only go by the OP, but he makes it sound like this was a new development not a fundamental character trait or lack of discipline overall. So it is a little off-putting that you have no concern about the reasons for this, OP! I would bet the weight gain is the symptom of what is going on (alcoholism?), not the substance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's stressed.

And while you think you're being subtle, I'm 100% sure that your "disgust" of her is obvious to her. Which doesn't help.

You need to reduce her stress. What SHE is stressed about, not what YOU think she should be stressed about. Especially about crap like inlaws that guys can be oblivious about. Guys have a way of putting stress onto women and then blaming them for being stressed.

Stress is a part of life, and adults need to manage their own stress.

This. OP, manage your feelings about this. You are 100% in charge of how you handle this. If you choose to be “disgusted,” then clearly your marriage and family isn’t that valuable to you. Why?
And if it is valuable, then work on managing your mind and emotions so that you don’t destroy it.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it matters what you say to your wife. It's not really your problem.

[Anonymous]

Fake it till you make it - imagine she is 40 pounds lighter and treat her like you would in that case. She'll probably be happier and she might care more and start to drink less, etc.

[Anonymous]

lol if she’s anything like my husband, she’d walk for 15 minutes around the neighborhood and come home sweaty to eat a huge ice cream Sunday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Presumably the same mirrors you have at home work for your wife, right? Maybe she doesn't want to be attractive to/for you.

OP here. I was never the worlds most attractive guy, but I’m basically the same I was when we got married. About 10 lbs heavier maybe half muscle half fat. Far stronger and fitter now.

Did you grow 2 or more babies in your womb for 9 months each, push them out of your vagina, and breastfeed them for a few months? Did you suffer any traumatic (emotionally or physically) injuries from that?

Do you help with the cooking, cleaning, child rearing (without her asking you), schedule doctor and orthodontist appointments, do the laundry, make your bed, plan birthday parties, sign permission slips, buy birthday presents, and carry half the mental load for the family?

I sympathize with your situation and wish your DW all the luck in her health/exercise journey but you sound like a jerk.

Oh here we go! The I had a baby now I can be a fatty excuse. I had a baby and was back to my size 6 six months later. No excuses, no explanations. I bet if they get divorced and she goes on back on the market she’ll lose weight.

You do realize that not everyone is the same. Not all women are can bounce back after 6months and the fact that you think all women can do this tells me that ignorance about the differences in people's bodies is pervasive in men and women.

I'm not excusing OP's wife. And quite frankly, I was not attracted to DH when he was 40lbs over weight. He has lost that extra weight, mostly around the belly. But he acknowledges that men have it much easier in terms of losing weight. Before DH lost the weight I told him that when he hugs me it's uncomfortable because his belly pushes my body (I am very petite).

I don't know OP... it's a vicious cycle. She may feel badly about herself, and so she keeps eating. It's very discouraging to try to lose weight when you try and try and you barely lose a pound. That's how it is with some women. I can't even lose 5lbs right now, and I have started skipping breakfast, and yes, I "exercise" by walking a lot and gardening, and I don't eat that much. I still can't lose 5lbs. I'd have to go on a 1200 calorie diet to do so, but there's no way in h3ll I'm going to do that because I like eating good food. That doesn't mean I pig out, and I don't eat a lot of sweets. I barely eat any sweets, other than with my morning coffee. I don't have a sweet tooth, unlike my DH. But, like I said I still can't even lose 5lbs.


NP.

If you don't have THAT much extra weight, yes, it can be hard to lose 5 pounds. But I bet that if you were 40 pounds overweight, you'd be able to lose five!

I have gained 30lbs since since I was 25. I was super skinny - size 00 when there was no 00. I want to lose 20lb, but I'd settle for 5. Even that is hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I couldn't live with wife + 40lbs. Kids will get over. Divorce is what I recommend.

And maybe she can’t live with your balding, Dad body. Men are always so quick to criticize women.....you do know that you all change as well when you age? I don’t care how much you work out....things change for men. And you all expect women to accept it.

Balding is 100% outside his control.
Getting fat is 100% within her control.

Understand the difference?

Here let me help.
Her fatness is like his cheating: a selfish decision.
His baldness is like her reading glasses: an age related physical change.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you want a divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I couldn't live with wife + 40lbs. Kids will get over. Divorce is what I recommend.

And maybe she can’t live with your balding, Dad body. Men are always so quick to criticize women.....you do know that you all change as well when you age? I don’t care how much you work out....things change for men. And you all expect women to accept it.

Balding is 100% outside his control.
Getting fat is 100% within her control.

Understand the difference?

Here let me help.
Her fatness is like his cheating: a selfish decision.
His baldness is like her reading glasses: an age related physical change.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Tyring to think what would get me off my tuckus to embrace change like this, with young kids.


Make doing things "together" the issue and the "things" are walking, swimming, hiking, etc. Don't go to cardio and weight lifting yet. Offer to get the kids ready, take them along, hire a sitter, or trade outdoor activity time for mommy down time.
And talk about alcohol over use.
Can you prepare snacks and leave them around? My kids will eat an apple if I cut it up, snow peas or snap peas if I wash them and leave then in a bowl, etc.
Does she see a family doctor? Can you make an appt with teh same doctor and ask for help with this? Dr. can make the focus blood pressure, diabetes, etc.

If she still won't try then you involve a marital therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous[b wrote:]I think the kindest and most effective way to do this is to set an example with your own health/fitness, and if she’s the one cooking the dinners, to ask for healthier meals.[/b] Frame any discussions about weight or health around your own “journey”, and hopefully she will either be inspired or get the hint.

This. This. This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You should find out why your wife is self medicating with food. It may be what you are doing or not doing. Happy wives don't self medicate with booze and food. It's a symptom of her emotional state- she is not OK. Why?

+1000

The booze and food is her self medicating... why?

1+. Yeah, I feel like OP and many PPs are missing the forest for the trees. DW goes her whole life relatively healthy and then 5 years after last kid (so she's at least in her late 30's) she's just like *about face* I'mma gonna get fat for no reason?? I can only go by the OP, but he makes it sound like this was a new development not a fundamental character trait or lack of discipline overall. So it is a little off-putting that you have no concern about the reasons for this, OP! I would bet the weight gain is the symptom of what is going on (alcoholism?), not the substance.

+1

I’d dig into why she’s so unhappy. If it’s kid stress, see how you can help out.

Also, maybe plan a nice getaway for just you and her that includes a beach. Always provides some extra incentive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Listen to the book “tiny habits” when she is around. It has lots of ideas for weight loss and healthy eating in a non-shaming way. I’ve made so many changes for the better with myself and I didn’t even buy it for weight loss purposes. But listen to it under the cover of wanting to make some sort of improvement to yourself.

Tell your wife you want to work on your weight yourself.