Asked DH for divorce then his aunt died

[Anonymous]

OP is glad she died so she can get the inheritance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is glad she died so she can get the inheritance.

Stop making stuff up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give the guy a week to grieve? You intensely disliked his aunt but she was like a mother to your dh. I'm not saying that it sounds like he had a healthy relationship with the woman because I don't think that he did. But this is a hard time for him and you should show him some compassion. It's not like there's much waiting for you outside anyway.

OP here. I want to want to show him compassion, but DH never showed me compassion as he ganged up on me with that woman. She spread hurtful rumors about me and my family, made crazy demands, cast me as a bad mom. And he always stood by her. I almost feel it serves him right to lose both of us.

I really, really understand where you're coming from. I'm 10 years past the point where you are (and posted about it a number of times). Right when I was about to file for divorce (and already retained an attorney), the economy crashed and the financial consequences of divorce outweighed delaying divorce. We had separate bedrooms on different floors, no abuse and there was no immediate need to move. Then, my IL died which eliminated a big issue. We ended up reconciling.

Like you, my IL issue was really a DH problem. We had a lot of counseling during and after the crisis and while we ended up not divorcing and have a good marriage, it's not the relationship it was. It's like a mirror with a crack that's not bad enough to render the mirror unusable but it's not as good as it was and there are a lot better out there. I say this not to persuade you to stay and especially not to tell you that you can't be happy that horrible woman is gone (you have my permission to feel some satisfaction with that). I say it because it may be better in the long run for you to wait this out a bit. I know you want out and your relationship may be irretrievably broken but, in the over all scheme of things, what makes sense for you to do for the next 3 months? If there's violence/abuse/addiction, I'd say get out immediately. But, it doesn't sound like that is an issue.

Good luck. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is glad she died so she can get the inheritance.

OP here. That’s funny. She did leave some money, but not enough to make it worth having known her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Yikes. You need to go to therapy for yourself. That should be your first step. You are not in a menta place to separate in a way that’s not going to be extremely damaging to your kids. Get your head in a good place and then separate amicably.

I strongly agree with this. With a splash of, he was her victim too. OP I have a mother who sounds a lot like his aunt. And I have had to learn to place very strong boundaries in place to protect my husband and children. But you seem to underestimate how difficult it is to do that with someone who's had their claws in ou since birth. Regardless, holding onto the anger like you seem to in your most recent post will do nothing in the long run but damage your children.

You don't need to love your husband or stay married to him. But you need to figure out how to have a civil and if possible positive relationship with the father of your children and the man you will always be coparenting with. If you can't do that then Aunt Cruella won in the end, because she will have hurt your children the most.

- child of a very acrimonious divorce

+1. To even get to a point of positive co-parenting much less a second chance at a good marriage, you have to process your anger and resentment. Your DH has to process his grief. At some point if you were to stay married, he would need to acknowledge the role he played in your marriage falling part and understand why. I would pause the divorce filing given the combination of schools closed, national pandemic, uncertain economy, grieving spouse and 2 elementary school kids and one under 5. Let the dust settle a bit. However, I would still plan on divorce unless spouse was willing to go to therapy, consider couples counseling and both actions and words were showing that he wanted to put in the work to stay married. Although Aunt was reason 1-8, I would worry that he would either be bound to repeat some of that behavior if that’s all he knows or he doesn’t have strong boundaries/intense people pleaser and it would manifest itself in other destructive ways over time.

OP here. Thank you. This resonates as good advice. He’s a classic “nice guy” who shows the world this super nice, easygoing face and saves the fangs for me. Even with me, he used his aunt to do his dirty work. It took me a while to notice she always acted up whenever he was mad at me for something and pretending to be fine. He would feed her into to wind her up and then stand back as if he had no idea why she was snarling at me. After we married, he admitted all his previous girlfriends dumped him. I don’t like him very much anymore and I don’t think he can unlearn his nice-nasty personality. I guess though that under the circumstances, I can wait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give the guy a week to grieve? You intensely disliked his aunt but she was like a mother to your dh. I'm not saying that it sounds like he had a healthy relationship with the woman because I don't think that he did. But this is a hard time for him and you should show him some compassion. It's not like there's much waiting for you outside anyway.

OP here. I want to want to show him compassion, but DH never showed me compassion as he ganged up on me with that woman. She spread hurtful rumors about me and my family, made crazy demands, cast me as a bad mom. And he always stood by her. I almost feel it serves him right to lose both of us.

I really, really understand where you're coming from. I'm 10 years past the point where you are (and posted about it a number of times). Right when I was about to file for divorce (and already retained an attorney), the economy crashed and the financial consequences of divorce outweighed delaying divorce. We had separate bedrooms on different floors, no abuse and there was no immediate need to move. Then, my IL died which eliminated a big issue. We ended up reconciling.

Like you, my IL issue was really a DH problem. We had a lot of counseling during and after the crisis and while we ended up not divorcing and have a good marriage, it's not the relationship it was. It's like a mirror with a crack that's not bad enough to render the mirror unusable but it's not as good as it was and there are a lot better out there. I say this not to persuade you to stay and especially not to tell you that you can't be happy that horrible woman is gone (you have my permission to feel some satisfaction with that). I say it because it may be better in the long run for you to wait this out a bit. I know you want out and your relationship may be irretrievably broken but, in the over all scheme of things, what makes sense for you to do for the next 3 months? If there's violence/abuse/addiction, I'd say get out immediately. But, it doesn't sound like that is an issue.

Good luck. Hugs.

OP here. Thanks for sharing this. I don’t think my feelings towards him will ever be the same. Too much has happened. My feelings range from a vague empathy because he’s the kids’ father to borderline hatred when he opens his mouth and starts showing his personality. It would be much easier on my poor kids to get both parents under one roof, if we can be civil. I would be willing to stay for now if we can maintain civility. I dont love him anymore though. Unless a miracle happens, I will divorce him eventually. But I’d like to give the kids some divorce-free stability until they are older.

[Anonymous]

It depends on how profound your husband's failings are. Perhaps he doesn't actually need a mean aunt to be unsupportive of his wife. Perhaps he's just like that naturally.

I would give him the benefit of the doubt because we're in a pandemic. See how he does for a year.

Then decide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, hugs. You sound very level-headed and nice. You are still caring for your DH even though he allowed a monster into your marriage.

Sounds a little like my DH’s mother. She’s passively-aggressively mean. I used to internalize it. Then, one day, about a year after our first was born, I told him I’m number 1, then our kids, then your mother. If you can’t do this, I’m out. And I meant it. He gave me a look, thought I was crazy, then understood I was serious. That was 18 years ago.

Of course, I still can’t stand her. And toss her under the boss in most of our arguments. She’s an easy target. She shouldn’t have meddled.

It sounds like maybe you were too nice or naive and didn’t stand your ground?!

I do know that resentment is a marriage killer. And it sounds like you resent your DH.

Idea: go to a therapist instead of an attorney and work through your resentment. Once you work through that, make a decision to leave or not. But don’t let that nasty woman win from the grave.

Op here. I think you have a point, but I can’t hang on to him to spite her. For me, deciding to divorce him was stepping back from the sick tug-of-war over him he had engineered. I told him she was the only woman who still loved him and that she could have him. I meant it.

[Anonymous]

OP I am also under the same roof as my STBX spouse and we were on the verge of filing when this hit. For us there is no hope of reconciliation, but we are getting along because we have to. I agree with others that unless there is abuse or danger to you, wait this out at least a while. There’s nothing worth rushing out there for and the priority now is keeping your kids safe and in a stable environment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't rock my kid's world with a divorce right now. I keep reading about things related to lifelong issues that come from the anxiety of growing up during the Great Depression and how their parents handled it. I'd give it 6 months and see if everything improves now that she's dead.

Op here. Good point about the kids. They’re little so not fully sure how they are processing this all.

Something else to keep in mind is that your husband could find a new person to fill the void left by his aunt - maybe in the form of a horrible stepmom for your children? He was easily manipulated into letting someone (aunt) treat someone he loved very poorly (you.) I wouldn’t be surprised if he falls into the same pattern with a new girlfriend/wife except your children are going to be new targets.

Take some time. It’s for you as much as for him.

Everyone is manipulated by their parents. Some are unfortunate enough to be raised by people who have a messed up view of the world. It takes years to unravel a lot of the crap we all learn from our parents, whether it's health or unhealthy. He was not any more "easily" manipulated than any other human being raised by someone. Children believe the version of the world their parents present to them. Period.

+1. And children are even more likely to believe the person who raised them if they’ve already lost or been abandoned by their birth parents.

Unfortunately, OP, even if you were able to have a more sympathetic view of DH’s aunt and DH, both you and DH would need some serious therapy to unravel the effects if her on him and you and your marriage.

Start by trying teletherapy. Maybe one or both of you will feel more comfortable starting in the guise of bereavement therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't rock my kid's world with a divorce right now. I keep reading about things related to lifelong issues that come from the anxiety of growing up during the Great Depression and how their parents handled it. I'd give it 6 months and see if everything improves now that she's dead.

Op here. Good point about the kids. They’re little so not fully sure how they are processing this all.

Something else to keep in mind is that your husband could find a new person to fill the void left by his aunt - maybe in the form of a horrible stepmom for your children? He was easily manipulated into letting someone (aunt) treat someone he loved very poorly (you.) I wouldn’t be surprised if he falls into the same pattern with a new girlfriend/wife except your children are going to be new targets.

Take some time. It’s for you as much as for him.

OP here. This is really spot on. He is such a selfish imbecile that I could see him letting a new woman mistreat our kids as long as she is treating him well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't rock my kid's world with a divorce right now. I keep reading about things related to lifelong issues that come from the anxiety of growing up during the Great Depression and how their parents handled it. I'd give it 6 months and see if everything improves now that she's dead.

Op here. Good point about the kids. They’re little so not fully sure how they are processing this all.

I'd delay, but probably wouldn't give the marriage another shot. Unless there's a risk of domestic violence I wouldn't want my children's father exposed to COVID 19 through looking for a place to live or moving right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, this is an amazing story. Only 3,000 deaths in this entire country due to coronavirus and your evil aunt-in-law happens to be among them?

OP here. I know. What are the odds. Honestly, it feels like a wonderful stroke of luck. I feel horrible feeling this way, but I do.

You should feel horrible. This was a horrible response. Shame on you.

Go to therapy. This is a horrible way to think and treat someone. No need to hold all this hate in you.