Asked DH for divorce then his aunt died

[Anonymous]

OP please don’t blame yourself for your feelings.
I know at least 2 people whose death would make my life easier (I don’t wish it on them but grief would not be quite the feeling if they died...)

[Anonymous]

He married his mother. You sound abusive as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sounds as evil as she does.

OP here. It’s too bad you think that, but that’s fine. The evil (wo)men do lives on after them. When people abuse others, they run the risk they won’t be mourned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP please don’t blame yourself for your feelings.
I know at least 2 people whose death would make my life easier (I don’t wish it on them but grief would not be quite the feeling if they died...)

OP here. Thank you. There was a time I wouldn’t have understood how I feel now. Those were golden days before I met a woman who spent almost 10 years trying to take down me and my family because I dared love her nephew. For her, love was always divided when shared. She hated and hurt a lot of other people, especially other women. I am grateful she will not get to do to my two daughters what she did to DH’s sister and her own daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give the guy a week to grieve? You intensely disliked his aunt but she was like a mother to your dh. I'm not saying that it sounds like he had a healthy relationship with the woman because I don't think that he did. But this is a hard time for him and you should show him some compassion. It's not like there's much waiting for you outside anyway.

OP here. I want to want to show him compassion, but DH never showed me compassion as he ganged up on me with that woman. She spread hurtful rumors about me and my family, made crazy demands, cast me as a bad mom. And he always stood by her. I almost feel it serves him right to lose both of us.

Yikes. You need to go to therapy for yourself. That should be your first step. You are not in a menta place to separate in a way that’s not going to be extremely damaging to your kids. Get your head in a good place and then separate amicably.

I strongly agree with this. With a splash of, he was her victim too. OP I have a mother who sounds a lot like his aunt. And I have had to learn to place very strong boundaries in place to protect my husband and children. But you seem to underestimate how difficult it is to do that with someone who's had their claws in ou since birth. Regardless, holding onto the anger like you seem to in your most recent post will do nothing in the long run but damage your children.

You don't need to love your husband or stay married to him. But you need to figure out how to have a civil and if possible positive relationship with the father of your children and the man you will always be coparenting with. If you can't do that then Aunt Cruella won in the end, because she will have hurt your children the most.

- child of a very acrimonious divorce

Op here. Thank you, both PPs. We stand a MUCH better chance of an amicable divorce now that she’s gone. A big part of my strategizing with my lawyer focused on how to shield the children from her badmouthing me and how to penalize her if she tried to interfere in the divorce or help DH hide assets. She would have tried her best to make the divorce bitter in the hopes of hurting me. I am angry with DH, but a lot of it is internal. In the past week, I’ve fed him, held him, and helped him sort through her affairs. I resent him deeply though, no doubt about that. It’s hard sitting here supporting him as he grieves someone who hurt my marriage and kids’ family more than a mistress would have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give the guy a week to grieve? You intensely disliked his aunt but she was like a mother to your dh. I'm not saying that it sounds like he had a healthy relationship with the woman because I don't think that he did. But this is a hard time for him and you should show him some compassion. It's not like there's much waiting for you outside anyway.

OP here. I want to want to show him compassion, but DH never showed me compassion as he ganged up on me with that woman. She spread hurtful rumors about me and my family, made crazy demands, cast me as a bad mom. And he always stood by her. I almost feel it serves him right to lose both of us.

Yikes. You need to go to therapy for yourself. That should be your first step. You are not in a menta place to separate in a way that’s not going to be extremely damaging to your kids. Get your head in a good place and then separate amicably.

I strongly agree with this. With a splash of, he was her victim too. OP I have a mother who sounds a lot like his aunt. And I have had to learn to place very strong boundaries in place to protect my husband and children. But you seem to underestimate how difficult it is to do that with someone who's had their claws in ou since birth. Regardless, holding onto the anger like you seem to in your most recent post will do nothing in the long run but damage your children.

You don't need to love your husband or stay married to him. But you need to figure out how to have a civil and if possible positive relationship with the father of your children and the man you will always be coparenting with. If you can't do that then Aunt Cruella won in the end, because she will have hurt your children the most.

- child of a very acrimonious divorce

Op here. Thank you, both PPs. We stand a MUCH better chance of an amicable divorce now that she’s gone. A big part of my strategizing with my lawyer focused on how to shield the children from her badmouthing me and how to penalize her if she tried to interfere in the divorce or help DH hide assets. She would have tried her best to make the divorce bitter in the hopes of hurting me. I am angry with DH, but a lot of it is internal. In the past week, I’ve fed him, held him, and helped him sort through her affairs. I resent him deeply though, no doubt about that. It’s hard sitting here supporting him as he grieves someone who hurt my marriage and kids’ family more than a mistress would have.

DP

Your previous post about how you "tried to show compassion" suggests that this is less internal than you are saying here.

There's no way I would proceed with a divorce in the middle of a lock down situation even if I knew that's where the marriage was heading. It's too much at one time for the kids, IMO. Doesn't mean you don't divorce, just means you think about the timing and use this period for some self reflection and anger management on your own (justified as it is).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give the guy a week to grieve? You intensely disliked his aunt but she was like a mother to your dh. I'm not saying that it sounds like he had a healthy relationship with the woman because I don't think that he did. But this is a hard time for him and you should show him some compassion. It's not like there's much waiting for you outside anyway.

OP here. I want to want to show him compassion, but DH never showed me compassion as he ganged up on me with that woman. She spread hurtful rumors about me and my family, made crazy demands, cast me as a bad mom. And he always stood by her. I almost feel it serves him right to lose both of us.

Yikes. You need to go to therapy for yourself. That should be your first step. You are not in a menta place to separate in a way that’s not going to be extremely damaging to your kids. Get your head in a good place and then separate amicably.

I strongly agree with this. With a splash of, he was her victim too. OP I have a mother who sounds a lot like his aunt. And I have had to learn to place very strong boundaries in place to protect my husband and children. But you seem to underestimate how difficult it is to do that with someone who's had their claws in ou since birth. Regardless, holding onto the anger like you seem to in your most recent post will do nothing in the long run but damage your children.

You don't need to love your husband or stay married to him. But you need to figure out how to have a civil and if possible positive relationship with the father of your children and the man you will always be coparenting with. If you can't do that then Aunt Cruella won in the end, because she will have hurt your children the most.

- child of a very acrimonious divorce

Op here. Thank you, both PPs. We stand a MUCH better chance of an amicable divorce now that she’s gone. A big part of my strategizing with my lawyer focused on how to shield the children from her badmouthing me and how to penalize her if she tried to interfere in the divorce or help DH hide assets. She would have tried her best to make the divorce bitter in the hopes of hurting me. I am angry with DH, but a lot of it is internal. In the past week, I’ve fed him, held him, and helped him sort through her affairs. I resent him deeply though, no doubt about that. It’s hard sitting here supporting him as he grieves someone who hurt my marriage and kids’ family more than a mistress would have.

It is ok for you to not grieve her. It's ok for you to be happy she died even. People feel what they feel and no one can control their emotional reactions to these things.

It is not ok to judge your husband for his feelings. You can accept and know that you are unhappy about his grief, but don't make it about you. She's dead, she's gone, you'll never have to deal with her again. Don't make your husband feel bad for grieving someone he loved. Plenty of people grieve people who have hurt them and people they love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, this is an amazing story. Only 3,000 deaths in this entire country due to coronavirus and your evil aunt-in-law happens to be among them?

The deaths are under reported. I know of two people who have died from the virus in the past two weeks. Don't believe everything you watch on the news.

[Anonymous]

You move out. You want the divorce.

[Anonymous]

You wait.

There is no hurry here.

You are both going through traumatic times right now (death and coronavirus). Let everything settle down and then see if it's possible to mend things. Sometimes, crisis/tragedies make people realize what's really important in life (like your marriage and family)

[Anonymous]

OP, hugs. You sound very level-headed and nice. You are still caring for your DH even though he allowed a monster into your marriage.

Sounds a little like my DH’s mother. She’s passively-aggressively mean. I used to internalize it. Then, one day, about a year after our first was born, I told him I’m number 1, then our kids, then your mother. If you can’t do this, I’m out. And I meant it. He gave me a look, thought I was crazy, then understood I was serious. That was 18 years ago.

Of course, I still can’t stand her. And toss her under the boss in most of our arguments. She’s an easy target. She shouldn’t have meddled.

It sounds like maybe you were too nice or naive and didn’t stand your ground?!

I do know that resentment is a marriage killer. And it sounds like you resent your DH.

Idea: go to a therapist instead of an attorney and work through your resentment. Once you work through that, make a decision to leave or not. But don’t let that nasty woman win from the grave.

[Anonymous]

If you have him served with divorce papers, then a process server has to serve him. That person will come to the door and literally hand him papers. That introducing germs into your quarantine. Then you will have to live with him while he processes it. You do NOT want to live with him while that's happening.

You can wait a month.

[Anonymous]

Time to be there for your DH and mend your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Yikes. You need to go to therapy for yourself. That should be your first step. You are not in a menta place to separate in a way that’s not going to be extremely damaging to your kids. Get your head in a good place and then separate amicably.

I strongly agree with this. With a splash of, he was her victim too. OP I have a mother who sounds a lot like his aunt. And I have had to learn to place very strong boundaries in place to protect my husband and children. But you seem to underestimate how difficult it is to do that with someone who's had their claws in ou since birth. Regardless, holding onto the anger like you seem to in your most recent post will do nothing in the long run but damage your children.

You don't need to love your husband or stay married to him. But you need to figure out how to have a civil and if possible positive relationship with the father of your children and the man you will always be coparenting with. If you can't do that then Aunt Cruella won in the end, because she will have hurt your children the most.

- child of a very acrimonious divorce

+1. To even get to a point of positive co-parenting much less a second chance at a good marriage, you have to process your anger and resentment. Your DH has to process his grief. At some point if you were to stay married, he would need to acknowledge the role he played in your marriage falling part and understand why. I would pause the divorce filing given the combination of schools closed, national pandemic, uncertain economy, grieving spouse and 2 elementary school kids and one under 5. Let the dust settle a bit. However, I would still plan on divorce unless spouse was willing to go to therapy, consider couples counseling and both actions and words were showing that he wanted to put in the work to stay married. Although Aunt was reason 1-8, I would worry that he would either be bound to repeat some of that behavior if that’s all he knows or he doesn’t have strong boundaries/intense people pleaser and it would manifest itself in other destructive ways over time.

[Anonymous]

So what? Get it all over with.