Asked DH for divorce then his aunt died

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH’s aunt raised him and is—or was—his mother in every sense. She was also a miserable, territorial manipulator who delighted in turning people against each other. She caused terrible tension and fights between DH and I over our 7 year marriage. She got worse after we had children. They are now ages 7, 6, and 4. DH, himself, is a male version of her. It took me a while to realize it.

A month ago, I asked DH for a divorce after a particularly bad year of almost nonstop fighting over this woman. If there are 10 reasons to divorce, his aunt and his failures regarding her were reasons 1-8. DH doesn’t want the divorce, but had planned to move out. As it turns out, coronavirus hit and we were all stuck sheltering in place. I continued strategizing with my lawyer.

His aunt refused social distancing, carried on as usual, caught the virus, and died last week. Now, I am in a bind. DH is inconsolable. It seems cruel to file now, but I’ve already set things in motion. My sister thinks there might be hope now that the main reason for our divorce is dead. But I am not sure my feelings about DH can come back and I have already wasted so many years with this man. WWYD?

You don't say were you are but you can't "file" now anyway. All you can do is try to establish a date of separation. Depending on where you live and whether or not there are minor children, "filing" won't happen for as long as a year.

[Anonymous]

Op, you sight 1-8 as aunt problems. #9, there seem to be missing love and a lot of hate! Proceed after lockdown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, this is an amazing story. Only 3,000 deaths in this entire country due to coronavirus and your evil aunt-in-law happens to be among them?

OP here. I know. What are the odds. Honestly, it feels like a wonderful stroke of luck. I feel horrible feeling this way, but I do.

You should feel horrible. This was a horrible response. Shame on you.

OP gets to feel the way she feels and you don't get to tell her otherwise. She lived with the situation and put up with the abuse, not you. Shame on you for minimizing her experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't rock my kid's world with a divorce right now. I keep reading about things related to lifelong issues that come from the anxiety of growing up during the Great Depression and how their parents handled it. I'd give it 6 months and see if everything improves now that she's dead.

Op here. Good point about the kids. They’re little so not fully sure how they are processing this all.

Something else to keep in mind is that your husband could find a new person to fill the void left by his aunt - maybe in the form of a horrible stepmom for your children? He was easily manipulated into letting someone (aunt) treat someone he loved very poorly (you.) I wouldn’t be surprised if he falls into the same pattern with a new girlfriend/wife except your children are going to be new targets.

Take some time. It’s for you as much as for him.

[Anonymous]

I would give it some time. the reason people get stuck in the clutches of people like your DH's aunt is because they don't see what's going on. It's very hard to break away from someone like that -- especially if they are a parent.

So for that reason, cut him some slack. Has he tried therapy? He may realize what she was all about through therapy, or just through distance now that she's passed away -- or by seeing how other people interact (that's how I learned something was very wrong).

He's a victim of her, too, OP. Just a thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, this is an amazing story. Only 3,000 deaths in this entire country due to coronavirus and your evil aunt-in-law happens to be among them?

OP here. I know. What are the odds. Honestly, it feels like a wonderful stroke of luck. I feel horrible feeling this way, but I do.

You should feel horrible. This was a horrible response. Shame on you.

OP gets to feel the way she feels and you don't get to tell her otherwise. She lived with the situation and put up with the abuse, not you. Shame on you for minimizing her experience.

Op here. Thank you. This is the toughest death I’ve ever dealt with. She hated me almost on sight and if it had been me dead, she would have probably helped raise my kids to think the worst of me. So, no, I don’t miss her. And I don’t think her sins are wiped out just because her selfishness caught up with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't rock my kid's world with a divorce right now. I keep reading about things related to lifelong issues that come from the anxiety of growing up during the Great Depression and how their parents handled it. I'd give it 6 months and see if everything improves now that she's dead.

Op here. Good point about the kids. They’re little so not fully sure how they are processing this all.

Something else to keep in mind is that your husband could find a new person to fill the void left by his aunt - maybe in the form of a horrible stepmom for your children? He was easily manipulated into letting someone (aunt) treat someone he loved very poorly (you.) I wouldn’t be surprised if he falls into the same pattern with a new girlfriend/wife except your children are going to be new targets.

Take some time. It’s for you as much as for him.

Everyone is manipulated by their parents. Some are unfortunate enough to be raised by people who have a messed up view of the world. It takes years to unravel a lot of the crap we all learn from our parents, whether it's health or unhealthy. He was not any more "easily" manipulated than any other human being raised by someone. Children believe the version of the world their parents present to them. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give the guy a week to grieve? You intensely disliked his aunt but she was like a mother to your dh. I'm not saying that it sounds like he had a healthy relationship with the woman because I don't think that he did. But this is a hard time for him and you should show him some compassion. It's not like there's much waiting for you outside anyway.

OP here. I want to want to show him compassion, but DH never showed me compassion as he ganged up on me with that woman. She spread hurtful rumors about me and my family, made crazy demands, cast me as a bad mom. And he always stood by her. I almost feel it serves him right to lose both of us.

Yet you continued to have unprotected sex with him that resulted in 3 children. You own a piece of this so-called awful marriage. If nothing else, show him some compassion for the sake of your children. Model what it means to be a mature person. We're in the middle of a pandemic. It's just not all about you right now.

Op here. I’m not the first woman to have kids with a man I love while believing the best. My kids’ ages should tell you it’s been a long while since we “resulted” in children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would give it some time. the reason people get stuck in the clutches of people like your DH's aunt is because they don't see what's going on. It's very hard to break away from someone like that -- especially if they are a parent.

So for that reason, cut him some slack. Has he tried therapy? He may realize what she was all about through therapy, or just through distance now that she's passed away -- or by seeing how other people interact (that's how I learned something was very wrong).

He's a victim of her, too, OP. Just a thought.

Op here. I’m not going to agree with this. Seeing him as a victim is how I spent years not realizing he was a huge problem too. His aunt wouldn’t have done 1/10th of what she did if she had thought she risked losing him. He enabled her, fed her information, and has a pretty bad mean streak too. I had to get out of denial about him to realize I deserved better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give the guy a week to grieve? You intensely disliked his aunt but she was like a mother to your dh. I'm not saying that it sounds like he had a healthy relationship with the woman because I don't think that he did. But this is a hard time for him and you should show him some compassion. It's not like there's much waiting for you outside anyway.

OP here. I want to want to show him compassion, but DH never showed me compassion as he ganged up on me with that woman. She spread hurtful rumors about me and my family, made crazy demands, cast me as a bad mom. And he always stood by her. I almost feel it serves him right to lose both of us.

Resist the urge to really let him have it. You clearly have a lot of pent up resentment and maybe you have a good reason for it, but you are ultimately responsible for what you do. Take the high road and give your husband time to grieve this woman. He is the father of your children and this is not the time to gut punch him even if it would be oh so easy to do. Your children are watching.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give the guy a week to grieve? You intensely disliked his aunt but she was like a mother to your dh. I'm not saying that it sounds like he had a healthy relationship with the woman because I don't think that he did. But this is a hard time for him and you should show him some compassion. It's not like there's much waiting for you outside anyway.

OP here. I want to want to show him compassion, but DH never showed me compassion as he ganged up on me with that woman. She spread hurtful rumors about me and my family, made crazy demands, cast me as a bad mom. And he always stood by her. I almost feel it serves him right to lose both of us.

Yikes. You need to go to therapy for yourself. That should be your first step. You are not in a menta place to separate in a way that’s not going to be extremely damaging to your kids. Get your head in a good place and then separate amicably.

I strongly agree with this. With a splash of, he was her victim too. OP I have a mother who sounds a lot like his aunt. And I have had to learn to place very strong boundaries in place to protect my husband and children. But you seem to underestimate how difficult it is to do that with someone who's had their claws in ou since birth. Regardless, holding onto the anger like you seem to in your most recent post will do nothing in the long run but damage your children.

You don't need to love your husband or stay married to him. But you need to figure out how to have a civil and if possible positive relationship with the father of your children and the man you will always be coparenting with. If you can't do that then Aunt Cruella won in the end, because she will have hurt your children the most.

- child of a very acrimonious divorce

[Anonymous]

Might he be different now that she’s gone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Might he be different now that she’s gone?

Op here. I want to believe so, but the question is whether I can get back to a place where it matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give the guy a week to grieve? You intensely disliked his aunt but she was like a mother to your dh. I'm not saying that it sounds like he had a healthy relationship with the woman because I don't think that he did. But this is a hard time for him and you should show him some compassion. It's not like there's much waiting for you outside anyway.

OP here. I want to want to show him compassion, but DH never showed me compassion as he ganged up on me with that woman. She spread hurtful rumors about me and my family, made crazy demands, cast me as a bad mom. And he always stood by her. I almost feel it serves him right to lose both of us.

Yikes. You need to go to therapy for yourself. That should be your first step. You are not in a menta place to separate in a way that’s not going to be extremely damaging to your kids. Get your head in a good place and then separate amicably.

I strongly agree with this. With a splash of, he was her victim too. OP I have a mother who sounds a lot like his aunt. And I have had to learn to place very strong boundaries in place to protect my husband and children. But you seem to underestimate how difficult it is to do that with someone who's had their claws in ou since birth. Regardless, holding onto the anger like you seem to in your most recent post will do nothing in the long run but damage your children.

You don't need to love your husband or stay married to him. But you need to figure out how to have a civil and if possible positive relationship with the father of your children and the man you will always be coparenting with. If you can't do that then Aunt Cruella won in the end, because she will have hurt your children the most.

- child of a very acrimonious divorce

+3
Your children come first, and for that to happen, you need to readjust, mentally speaking.

[Anonymous]

You sounds as evil as she does.