Asked DH for divorce then his aunt died

[Anonymous]

DH’s aunt raised him and is—or was—his mother in every sense. She was also a miserable, territorial manipulator who delighted in turning people against each other. She caused terrible tension and fights between DH and I over our 7 year marriage. She got worse after we had children. They are now ages 7, 6, and 4. DH, himself, is a male version of her. It took me a while to realize it.

A month ago, I asked DH for a divorce after a particularly bad year of almost nonstop fighting over this woman. If there are 10 reasons to divorce, his aunt and his failures regarding her were reasons 1-8. DH doesn’t want the divorce, but had planned to move out. As it turns out, coronavirus hit and we were all stuck sheltering in place. I continued strategizing with my lawyer.

His aunt refused social distancing, carried on as usual, caught the virus, and died last week. Now, I am in a bind. DH is inconsolable. It seems cruel to file now, but I’ve already set things in motion. My sister thinks there might be hope now that the main reason for our divorce is dead. But I am not sure my feelings about DH can come back and I have already wasted so many years with this man. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

I mean, he already knows you want a divorce. I don't see why you wouldn't proceed.

[Anonymous]

You haven’t wasted so many years. He’s the father of your children. Is there hope now that this awful woman is dead? Maybe. You have a few months to give it a try. Don’t make him move out for your kids’ sake during all of this. They need as much stability as possible.

[Anonymous]

Can you give the guy a week to grieve? You intensely disliked his aunt but she was like a mother to your dh. I'm not saying that it sounds like he had a healthy relationship with the woman because I don't think that he did. But this is a hard time for him and you should show him some compassion. It's not like there's much waiting for you outside anyway.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't rock my kid's world with a divorce right now. I keep reading about things related to lifelong issues that come from the anxiety of growing up during the Great Depression and how their parents handled it. I'd give it 6 months and see if everything improves now that she's dead.

[Anonymous]

Wow, this is an amazing story. Only 3,000 deaths in this entire country due to coronavirus and your evil aunt-in-law happens to be among them?

[Anonymous]

I think the courts are closed so it may be a moot point. FWIW, I had the same thing happen with me (felt sorry for DH bc of death/illness in his family and it just delayed the inevitable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, this is an amazing story. Only 3,000 deaths in this entire country due to coronavirus and your evil aunt-in-law happens to be among them?

OP here. I know. What are the odds. Honestly, it feels like a wonderful stroke of luck. I feel horrible feeling this way, but I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the courts are closed so it may be a moot point. FWIW, I had the same thing happen with me (felt sorry for DH bc of death/illness in his family and it just delayed the inevitable.

Op here. My lawyer says our local courts are closed to trials, but we can still file and make progress on issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you give the guy a week to grieve? You intensely disliked his aunt but she was like a mother to your dh. I'm not saying that it sounds like he had a healthy relationship with the woman because I don't think that he did. But this is a hard time for him and you should show him some compassion. It's not like there's much waiting for you outside anyway.

OP here. I want to want to show him compassion, but DH never showed me compassion as he ganged up on me with that woman. She spread hurtful rumors about me and my family, made crazy demands, cast me as a bad mom. And he always stood by her. I almost feel it serves him right to lose both of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't rock my kid's world with a divorce right now. I keep reading about things related to lifelong issues that come from the anxiety of growing up during the Great Depression and how their parents handled it. I'd give it 6 months and see if everything improves now that she's dead.

Op here. Good point about the kids. They’re little so not fully sure how they are processing this all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, this is an amazing story. Only 3,000 deaths in this entire country due to coronavirus and your evil aunt-in-law happens to be among them?

OP here. I know. What are the odds. Honestly, it feels like a wonderful stroke of luck. I feel horrible feeling this way, but I do.

You should feel horrible. This was a horrible response. Shame on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give the guy a week to grieve? You intensely disliked his aunt but she was like a mother to your dh. I'm not saying that it sounds like he had a healthy relationship with the woman because I don't think that he did. But this is a hard time for him and you should show him some compassion. It's not like there's much waiting for you outside anyway.

OP here. I want to want to show him compassion, but DH never showed me compassion as he ganged up on me with that woman. She spread hurtful rumors about me and my family, made crazy demands, cast me as a bad mom. And he always stood by her. I almost feel it serves him right to lose both of us.

Yikes. You need to go to therapy for yourself. That should be your first step. You are not in a menta place to separate in a way that’s not going to be extremely damaging to your kids. Get your head in a good place and then separate amicably.

[Anonymous]

Give it a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give the guy a week to grieve? You intensely disliked his aunt but she was like a mother to your dh. I'm not saying that it sounds like he had a healthy relationship with the woman because I don't think that he did. But this is a hard time for him and you should show him some compassion. It's not like there's much waiting for you outside anyway.

OP here. I want to want to show him compassion, but DH never showed me compassion as he ganged up on me with that woman. She spread hurtful rumors about me and my family, made crazy demands, cast me as a bad mom. And he always stood by her. I almost feel it serves him right to lose both of us.

Yet you continued to have unprotected sex with him that resulted in 3 children. You own a piece of this so-called awful marriage. If nothing else, show him some compassion for the sake of your children. Model what it means to be a mature person. We're in the middle of a pandemic. It's just not all about you right now.