Reply to Asked DH for divorce then his aunt died

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote]
Yikes. You need to go to therapy for yourself. That should be your first step. You are not in a menta place to separate in a way that’s not going to be extremely damaging to your kids. Get your head in a good place and then separate amicably.[/quote]

I strongly agree with this. With a splash of, he was her victim too. OP I have a mother who sounds a lot like his aunt. And I have had to learn to place very strong boundaries in place to protect my husband and children. But you seem to underestimate how difficult it is to do that with someone who's had their claws in ou since birth. Regardless, holding onto the anger like you seem to in your most recent post will do nothing in the long run but damage your children.

[b]You don't need to love your husband or stay married to him. But you need to figure out how to have a civil and if possible positive relationship with the father of your children and the man you will always be coparenting with. If you can't do that then Aunt Cruella won in the end, because she will have hurt your children the most. [/b]

- child of a very acrimonious divorce[/quote]

+1.  To even get to a point of positive co-parenting much less a second chance at a good marriage, you have to process your anger and resentment.  Your DH has to process his grief.  At some point if you were to stay married, he would need to acknowledge  the role he played in your marriage falling part and understand why.  I would pause the divorce filing given the  combination of schools closed, national pandemic, uncertain economy, grieving spouse and 2 elementary school kids and one under 5.  Let the dust settle a bit.  However, I would still plan on divorce unless spouse was willing to go to therapy, consider couples counseling and both actions and words were showing that he wanted to put in the work to stay married.  Although Aunt was reason 1-8, I would worry that he would either be bound to repeat some of that behavior if that’s all he knows or he doesn’t have strong boundaries/intense people pleaser  and it would manifest itself in other destructive ways over time.
[/quote]
OP here. Thank you. This resonates as good advice. He’s a classic “nice guy” who shows the world this super nice, easygoing face and saves the fangs for me. Even with me, he used his aunt to do his dirty work. It took me a while to notice she always acted up whenever he was mad at me for something and pretending to be fine. He would feed her into to wind her up and then stand back as if he had no idea why she was snarling at me. After we married, he admitted all his previous girlfriends dumped him. I don’t like him very much anymore and I don’t think he can unlearn his nice-nasty personality. I guess though that under the circumstances, I can wait.[/quote]

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