I’m not dating material and I don’t know why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Middle-aged female here. I’ve never had a serious relationship of total exclusivity. I’ve casually dated people, but no commitment. I’ve never had an issue finding a FWB. I’m not ultra pretty, but I’m not ugly either. I’m educated, mannerly, good job, outgoing and pretty laidback. I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong to always give the impression that I’m the FWB or hook-up girl. Every man I meet and am attracted to, it turns into that. And I’m not sleeping with some of them on the first date. The ones I am really interested in, I wait. I really would like to be in a relationship with someone, not a casual fling or non-exclusive relationship.

Men - can you help me understand what traits you all observe from a female that would dictate relationship material vs. casual dating/sex?

OP have you ever once tried asking the men you've been involved with as a FWB or a hook-up girl this question? WHY AM I NOT DATING MATERIAL?
I'm sure you have asked at some time or another. What were their responses? Whatever they said whether "I'm just not interested in settling down" or "I see you as a friend" or "Your laugh is awful and I couldn't be with someone who guffaws like that." - whatever their comments were they hold far more insight into what the problem is AND those guys have a lot more credibility when it comes to expertise about this matter regarding your lack of relationship-appeal than that of anonymous strangers on social media because those guys were actually involved with you.

[Anonymous]

There's already a lot of good advice here, so I don't have that much more to add. But I do want to emphasize that you need to largely abandon your "type." Clearly your type isn't working for you. It took me quite a long while to realize that my type is garbage. I thought the world of them, but they made me think less of myself. I basically gave up and instead focused on myself. When I finally met a guy who made me feel respected and valuable, I was apprehensive because he wasn't "my type." I was vacationing alone while thinking about it, and it was clear to me that I was being a Dumb Ass Bitch of the highest order. When I got home, I accepted another date with they guy who wasn't my type and we're celebrating a year this month. But it did require a big shift in what I considered valuable. When you start putting yourself first, you're more likely to attract people who will also put you first. So be your own #1. Spoil yourself. Don't try too hard to be agreeable or likeable. Be a version of yourself that scares off the weak and invites only those with the guts to take you seriously. You'll enjoy yourself more and get closer to attracting the person you actually deserve.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Try therapy. See is there is something you’re doing to self-sabotage. Where are you? We could recommend good therapists.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend like this. In her case, it's because she picks guys who are "players", basically - flashy, smooth talkers who like to live it up. They're a lot of fun but never looking to commit, or if they do commit, it's to a 25 year old (she's 40). She's not willing to "settle" so not really open to dating guys who are "boring".

[Anonymous]

Are you sure you aren't still acting like you're a 20 something party girl? Even if you want different, are you still seeking out the same kind of person and behaving the same waywhen you go out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try therapy. See is there is something you’re doing to self-sabotage. Where are you? We could recommend good therapists.

OP here - im in therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure you aren't still acting like you're a 20 something party girl? Even if you want different, are you still seeking out the same kind of person and behaving the same waywhen you go out?

No, I am not acting like a 20 something party girl. The only time I go out is for dinner with friends, having 2 glasses of wine max. I don’t go to bars anymore, stay out late at bars, etc. If I go to a sporting event, like a Nat’s game, 2 beers and I’m done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This may sound meaner than I intend, but I am trying to help.

You are probably dating men who consider themselves out of your league. They are happy to sleep with you, but not to commit. (Caveat, is that I hate the concept of leagues, rating on a scale of 1-10, etc. and try not to think that way, I'm just saying what I'm guessing your dates think).

You may have to give a chance to the kind of men you wouldn't have considered previously who are seeking a relationship. I don't mean bozos or losers, but there are kind men out there who aren't total duds.

I admit, I am usually attracted to a certain type of man and some may be out of my league. But, as of late, ive been open to men who I may not typically be attracted to and have focused more on personality, intelligence, etc. They went nowhere.

And this is no different. You are just switching out one set of check-offs for another. OP, if you want to be in a relationship, you have to find a man who wants to be in a relationship as well. THAT has to be your criteria.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure you aren't still acting like you're a 20 something party girl? Even if you want different, are you still seeking out the same kind of person and behaving the same waywhen you go out?

No, I am not acting like a 20 something party girl. The only time I go out is for dinner with friends, having 2 glasses of wine max. I don’t go to bars anymore, stay out late at bars, etc. If I go to a sporting event, like a Nat’s game, 2 beers and I’m done.

There's more to acting like a party girl than just drinking. Are you talking to men like you want a ONS? Are you lookign for men who are just fun but terrible long term? Do you come off as someone who makes short-term decisions over long-term ones?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re picking the wrong type of guys. You’re attracted to the wrong ones.

OP, this pp is correct. It's not that good guys aren't attracted to you. It's that you're choosing to go after guys who don't suit you. You need to do therapy to understand why that is happening. I went after unavailable guys for years until I did therapy (individual and group) which helped me understand that I was afraid of intimate relationships and therapy helped me face those fears and overcome them. If you're like me, you're making bad choices and telling yourself you want a relationship when in reality you're making bad choices because an intimate relationship is scary. Please consider therapy.

May I ask why imitate relationships scared you? If it’s too personal, I completely understand.

[Anonymous]

How old are you and how old are these men you are dating?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man here. I'm now happily married, but here's how I could figure out who would be an FWB and who wouldn't:

- Pushover/eager to please. If I text you drunk at 2am while out with my friends and ask to come over and you say yes, every time..
- If you are open to always meeting at your/my place, and don't ask (nor suggest.. this is key) going out for dinner/some event/etc, then I'll assume you want FWB
- If when you write to me, you always make the talk sexual, and before I do.. FWB (sometimes is fine, not all the time)
- Ladder theory as a PP mentioned. If you're a 5 and I'm an 8, I'm going to assume I can get away with more, unless you push back.

(wow, I was kind of a dick when I was younger, looking back on it)

Then probably some of it is who you are attracting/attracted to. I have so many single male friends who are good guys, but not go-getters nor bad boys. Just decent guys I'd trust with my life, but nothing "exciting" to women. So what? When they manage to settle down, they make awesome fathers and husbands from what I've seen.

As for online dating and putting in your want a relationship, depending on the site, most guys are going to overlook that and assume you're still ready for a good time. After all, what woman would _not_ put in that she's looking for a relationship? I bet 90%+ of female profiles, especially among middle-aged women, have that.

Yes but in reality any guy pulling that is realistically a 3.

OP don't ever be a hookup, or have casual sex unless there's a commitment of dating exclusively. Otherwise you are wasting your time.

All of us can improve our looks. If you can improve your weight, hair style, clothes, etc. look into that.

Be positive and only date guys that are interested in you...as in long term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re picking the wrong type of guys. You’re attracted to the wrong ones.

OP, this pp is correct. It's not that good guys aren't attracted to you. It's that you're choosing to go after guys who don't suit you. You need to do therapy to understand why that is happening. I went after unavailable guys for years until I did therapy (individual and group) which helped me understand that I was afraid of intimate relationships and therapy helped me face those fears and overcome them. If you're like me, you're making bad choices and telling yourself you want a relationship when in reality you're making bad choices because an intimate relationship is scary. Please consider therapy.

May I ask why imitate relationships scared you? If it’s too personal, I completely understand.

Not too personal. Grew up in an alcoholic household where people didn't have boundaries. I realized at some point through therapy that my problem was that I had lousy boundaries and that I was subconsciously protecting myself by being attracted to men who were not available and therefore their needs were not a threat to my sense of self. If you feel you shouldn't say "no" to other people - especially intimate partners - you find other ways to put yourself in a situation where you don't have to say "no."

[Anonymous]

It you're looking for a FWB, then that's what you'll find. If you're looking for a relationship, then that's what you'll attract, and hopefully find.

[Anonymous]

What are your hobbies? Have you tried meeting people through common interests?