I’m not dating material and I don’t know why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, that was a well-written and honest post. As a few have said, use the on-line route, and explicitly state you seek a relationship. You also state you "are not sleeping with some of them on a first date". Wait a sec; I am not a numbers person, but, I am guessing you have gone on lots of first dates. Can you define 'some'? You need to somewhat raise your own self-opinion. Don't sleep w anyone on first date. Trust me, that will in a weird way turn off a lot of guys

When I was younger, in college through early 30’s, I was a party girl (no drugs) and had a good amount of ONS. Had no issues with it. Now, that I’m older, I don’t. And since I’ve been seriously looking for someone to settle down with, I’ve waited to sleep with someone I’m interested in. Some we’ve waited until date 3, others date 6-7. I know for some, that still may too soon.


I actually haven’t been on all that many first dates the last few years, but more than normal just by being on online dating apps.

This is the risk of waiting too long to act like you want to settle down-- a lot of the men who want to settle down have already done so by the time you get out of the "party girl" mindset.

Yes, I’m finding that out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you pursue men and initiate dates? If yes, then try something different, let them lead.

Sometimes I pursue, sometimes I don’t. It just depends.

[Anonymous]

Man here. I'm now happily married, but here's how I could figure out who would be an FWB and who wouldn't:

- Pushover/eager to please. If I text you drunk at 2am while out with my friends and ask to come over and you say yes, every time..
- If you are open to always meeting at your/my place, and don't ask (nor suggest.. this is key) going out for dinner/some event/etc, then I'll assume you want FWB
- If when you write to me, you always make the talk sexual, and before I do.. FWB (sometimes is fine, not all the time)
- Ladder theory as a PP mentioned. If you're a 5 and I'm an 8, I'm going to assume I can get away with more, unless you push back.

(wow, I was kind of a dick when I was younger, looking back on it)

Then probably some of it is who you are attracting/attracted to. I have so many single male friends who are good guys, but not go-getters nor bad boys. Just decent guys I'd trust with my life, but nothing "exciting" to women. So what? When they manage to settle down, they make awesome fathers and husbands from what I've seen.

As for online dating and putting in your want a relationship, depending on the site, most guys are going to overlook that and assume you're still ready for a good time. After all, what woman would _not_ put in that she's looking for a relationship? I bet 90%+ of female profiles, especially among middle-aged women, have that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in the dating world for 25 yrs after my divorce. I’m an expert on dating I would say. Being told I look like such celebrities as Shania Twain, Jaclyn Smith, Sandra Bullock, and even Sophia Vergara! I of course pursued 9s & 10s because I could. To have success with men you need to date within your league. If you are a 5, you need to date 5s or less. The only way to bump up the scale of men is to raise your number. You can do that by having a great figure and a sense of style. Which pretty much anyone can achieve with diet and exercise. Most men will choose the 5s with the 8 body over the 8s with the 5 body. I would also get some advice from a stylist, hairdresser, makeup artist. Be the best you can be. I swear if I didn’t diet and exercise and wear beautiful figure flattering clothing and take time to do my hair and makeup I’d look like Rosie O’Donnell! I did waste years in relationships with 9s & 10s that were too young for me but I wanted to be in control. . Now I’m married to a extremely wealthy man(6) my age where I have to compromise. But that’s marriage.

How old were you when you divorced and when did you remarry?

25 & 50

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in the dating world for 25 yrs after my divorce. I’m an expert on dating I would say. Being told I look like such celebrities as Shania Twain, Jaclyn Smith, Sandra Bullock, and even Sophia Vergara! I of course pursued 9s & 10s because I could. To have success with men you need to date within your league. If you are a 5, you need to date 5s or less. The only way to bump up the scale of men is to raise your number. You can do that by having a great figure and a sense of style. Which pretty much anyone can achieve with diet and exercise. Most men will choose the 5s with the 8 body over the 8s with the 5 body. I would also get some advice from a stylist, hairdresser, makeup artist. Be the best you can be. I swear if I didn’t diet and exercise and wear beautiful figure flattering clothing and take time to do my hair and makeup I’d look like Rosie O’Donnell! I did waste years in relationships with 9s & 10s that were too young for me but I wanted to be in control. . Now I’m married to a extremely wealthy man(6) my age where I have to compromise. But that’s marriage.

How old were you when you divorced and when did you remarry?

25 & 50

Did you have kids at 25? I think divorce at 25 with no kids is basically a clean slate because you can write it off as a mistake or starter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man here. I'm now happily married, but here's how I could figure out who would be an FWB and who wouldn't:

- Pushover/eager to please. If I text you drunk at 2am while out with my friends and ask to come over and you say yes, every time..
- If you are open to always meeting at your/my place, and don't ask (nor suggest.. this is key) going out for dinner/some event/etc, then I'll assume you want FWB
- If when you write to me, you always make the talk sexual, and before I do.. FWB (sometimes is fine, not all the time)
- Ladder theory as a PP mentioned. If you're a 5 and I'm an 8, I'm going to assume I can get away with more, unless you push back.

(wow, I was kind of a dick when I was younger, looking back on it)

Then probably some of it is who you are attracting/attracted to. I have so many single male friends who are good guys, but not go-getters nor bad boys. Just decent guys I'd trust with my life, but nothing "exciting" to women. So what? When they manage to settle down, they make awesome fathers and husbands from what I've seen.

As for online dating and putting in your want a relationship, depending on the site, most guys are going to overlook that and assume you're still ready for a good time. After all, what woman would _not_ put in that she's looking for a relationship? I bet 90%+ of female profiles, especially among middle-aged women, have that.

Op here - thanks for this feedback, exactly what I’m looking for.

[Anonymous]

9:36 has some great advice about setting boundaries and standards. You need to be hard core in rejecting the BS, insist on real dates, insist that they call you instead of text, insist that they make plans with you in advance, and not put more effort in then they are doing. A lot of guys who are online will test you to see what they can get away with and if you don’t insist on being treated as a high quality date they’ll put in the minimum amount of effort.

[Anonymous]

I am also an early 50s single woman (was married briefly but have been divorced for may years). I would say I am a solid "6" in the looks/in shape/dresses well category but I think it helps that I enjoy doing things, not high maintenance, fairly low drama and do very well financially.

I have had a number of serious relationships over the years (as well as lean years, times of lots of short "dating" relationships etc.).

About 18 months ago I decided that I was really ready to pursue a real relationship again after a long gap of anything "serious." I actually went AGAINST conventional wisdom in many ways and I signed up for Tinder (in addition to some other sites) and upgraded to Gold or whatever it is called so I can see who "liked" me first. Surprisingly, I found the quality of men on Tinder higher than other sites AND many middle aged ones looking for serious relationships. I put VERY conservative pics up (not even a hint of cleavage). I also tried to keep a VERY open mind about who I was willing to meet/date-- e.g., I didn't have to be immediately attracted to their photos (but couldn't be repulsed!!), didn't focus on educational level, didn't focus on job/status, didn't care if they had/had not been married before and/or whether they had kids, tried to actively keep up banter (but did not let things get sexual), was honest that I was going to date a few guys for the time being (only when asked), shied away from dinner dates in favor of lunch or a drink/coffee...

I talked to a LOT of decent guys and met a realllly great guy that I know a lot of women would overlook. In fact, I told a friend before the first date that this guy was not going to be "the one," but he was nice, easy to chat with so-- it's only a couple of hours of pleasant company if nothing else!!! He is very attentive to me and committed. We have been together for almost a year and if he had his way, we'd be married already.

(YES!! I have a few crazy Tinder stories but my overwhelming experience was extremely positive.)

SO! All of this to say-- get out of your "usual" ways of meeting men. Try Tinder. Take off some of the "requirements" on your dating profile. Join a new social group. Accept a date from the guy that you would ordinarily pass on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in the dating world for 25 yrs after my divorce. I’m an expert on dating I would say. Being told I look like such celebrities as Shania Twain, Jaclyn Smith, Sandra Bullock, and even Sophia Vergara! I of course pursued 9s & 10s because I could. To have success with men you need to date within your league. If you are a 5, you need to date 5s or less. The only way to bump up the scale of men is to raise your number. You can do that by having a great figure and a sense of style. Which pretty much anyone can achieve with diet and exercise. Most men will choose the 5s with the 8 body over the 8s with the 5 body. I would also get some advice from a stylist, hairdresser, makeup artist. Be the best you can be. I swear if I didn’t diet and exercise and wear beautiful figure flattering clothing and take time to do my hair and makeup I’d look like Rosie O’Donnell! I did waste years in relationships with 9s & 10s that were too young for me but I wanted to be in control. . Now I’m married to a extremely wealthy man(6) my age where I have to compromise. But that’s marriage.

How old were you when you divorced and when did you remarry?

25 & 50

Did you have kids at 25? I think divorce at 25 with no kids is basically a clean slate because you can write it off as a mistake or starter.

Yes I did have a baby actually..

[Anonymous]

OP, how many men have you actually dated? There may not be all that many single guys out there in your age range who are interested in a relationship. Also, the problem might be their situation, not yours - e.g., a guy who just got divorced probably wants to play the field for a while not jump into an LTR.

[Anonymous]

I’m 38 married with 2 kids and have been in a few long term term relationships and a few friends with benefits relationships. I agree that when you meet someone, if you sense they are not as interested in actual companionship and just in sex, dropping them is a good idea. Make sure you are going out on actual dates where you do fun things with them first and continually. You are establishing a relationship, not just hopping into bed. There is nothing wrong with hopping into bed but there should be other elements to the relationship beyond that. After my husband and I had been dating a few weeks I told him very bluntly that I was looking for someone who I could potentially get married to and that if he knew that he did not want that with me, I didn’t want to date him. He just smiled and laughed nervously. I didn’t demand that he tell me he wanted to marry me, I just let him know my expectation.

We laugh about that now cause i didn’t realize how potentially crazy I could have come of, but I do think it helps to be clear about this shit both for yourself and the other person. They may bail, but then that is probably for the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am also an early 50s single woman (was married briefly but have been divorced for may years). I would say I am a solid "6" in the looks/in shape/dresses well category but I think it helps that I enjoy doing things, not high maintenance, fairly low drama and do very well financially.

I have had a number of serious relationships over the years (as well as lean years, times of lots of short "dating" relationships etc.).

About 18 months ago I decided that I was really ready to pursue a real relationship again after a long gap of anything "serious." I actually went AGAINST conventional wisdom in many ways and I signed up for Tinder (in addition to some other sites) and upgraded to Gold or whatever it is called so I can see who "liked" me first. Surprisingly, I found the quality of men on Tinder higher than other sites AND many middle aged ones looking for serious relationships. I put VERY conservative pics up (not even a hint of cleavage). I also tried to keep a VERY open mind about who I was willing to meet/date-- e.g., I didn't have to be immediately attracted to their photos (but couldn't be repulsed!!), didn't focus on educational level, didn't focus on job/status, didn't care if they had/had not been married before and/or whether they had kids, tried to actively keep up banter (but did not let things get sexual), was honest that I was going to date a few guys for the time being (only when asked), shied away from dinner dates in favor of lunch or a drink/coffee...

I talked to a LOT of decent guys and met a realllly great guy that I know a lot of women would overlook. In fact, I told a friend before the first date that this guy was not going to be "the one," but he was nice, easy to chat with so-- it's only a couple of hours of pleasant company if nothing else!!! He is very attentive to me and committed. We have been together for almost a year and if he had his way, we'd be married already.

(YES!! I have a few crazy Tinder stories but my overwhelming experience was extremely positive.)

SO! All of this to say-- get out of your "usual" ways of meeting men. Try Tinder. Take off some of the "requirements" on your dating profile. Join a new social group. Accept a date from the guy that you would ordinarily pass on.

I have a friend who is also in a year-long relationship with a guy she met on Tinder (both divorced and in early 40s)

[Anonymous]

Op, I am not in all that different of a boat to you but I do think that never having had a relationship puts off some of the good guys. By mid life, they are looking for someone with serious relationship experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how many men have you actually dated? There may not be all that many single guys out there in your age range who are interested in a relationship. Also, the problem might be their situation, not yours - e.g., a guy who just got divorced probably wants to play the field for a while not jump into an LTR.

I'm about your age, OP. I was on several of the apps for a few years and had a couple of relationships 1+years each. I agree that 9:36 has good basic tips, but in my experience, the above is also a huge factor. There are A LOT of attachment-avoidant men in our age group. The pickings are slim when it comes to guys who want real long-term relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re picking the wrong type of guys. You’re attracted to the wrong ones.

OP, this pp is correct. It's not that good guys aren't attracted to you. It's that you're choosing to go after guys who don't suit you. You need to do therapy to understand why that is happening. I went after unavailable guys for years until I did therapy (individual and group) which helped me understand that I was afraid of intimate relationships and therapy helped me face those fears and overcome them. If you're like me, you're making bad choices and telling yourself you want a relationship when in reality you're making bad choices because an intimate relationship is scary. Please consider therapy.