Focused on the Children - death knell for your Marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. We have made it a priority to put our marriage first. We have a 4-month-old baby and are going to trying for a second child soon by the first year. We don't neglect him, but we have done things to benefit our marriage - early bedtime, a schedule, sleeping in his own crib, etc. We are all to spend 1-2 hours together most nights and we do a date night every week. We only go probably 2-3 times a month, but we do a date night in with some take out, wine, and a movie. We have sex most nights or every other day. If sex isn't on the table, I almost always give him oral sex. I think it helps that he is a 50/50 partner in parenting and running the household.

Sex every day or so plus oral will keep any man happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. We have made it a priority to put our marriage first. We have a 4-month-old baby and are going to trying for a second child soon by the first year. We don't neglect him, but we have done things to benefit our marriage - early bedtime, a schedule, sleeping in his own crib, etc. We are all to spend 1-2 hours together most nights and we do a date night every week. We only go probably 2-3 times a month, but we do a date night in with some take out, wine, and a movie. We have sex most nights or every other day. If sex isn't on the table, I almost always give him oral sex. I think it helps that he is a 50/50 partner in parenting and running the household.

Sex every day or so plus oral will keep any man happy.

+1. You sound amazing!

[Anonymous]

Kids obviously need tons of attention but marriage should always come first. Tons of data to support this and even more to show that helicopter parents are doing their children a disservice.

Kids that know they are loved and cared for are far better off than kids who know they will be doted on.

[Anonymous]

It's bizarre so many women on here are defending this hyper-mommying role that so often kills marriages. We're not talking about ignoring kids and letting them watch tv for 12 hours a day. We're talking about not letting them sleep in bed with you until they're 10. Or leaving them with a sitter once a month. So that you can prioritize your marriage sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Lol my STBX may claim this is true. I don't doubt that some women go overboard, but I know many, many more women who had the load of childcare & household administration dumped on them by their husbands ... who are then somehow confused that she's in a bad mood and perpetually overwhelmed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what do you do if you can't afford sitters and nights out?

Put the kids to bed, open a bottle of wine (doesn't need to be expensive), put some music on, curl up on the couch and let nature take over.

Oh, ok. And I assume that you will have done either cooking or dishes, fully participated in bedtime routines, and will be up at the same time as your "DW" to get the kids off to school the next morning as an equal participant in the morning routine as well? Oh, and she hasn't spent half her day doing household administrative tasks that only she does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact is that raising kids well takes up a ton of time and resources. There is no way out of that if you want to do a good job. So, it is important to choose a partner who understands the marriage may take a back seat in the early years. Hopefully everyone can maintain their ability to see the big picture and that kids grow up and very quickly become much less energy and time sucking than in the very early years. But the solution is not to ignore the kids in favor of the marriage. That is bad for the family unit.

I don't think "ignore the kids" is what these dudes want. What they want is for their wives to continue doing exactly what they are doing, but be happy and cheerful about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's bizarre so many women on here are defending this hyper-mommying role that so often kills marriages. We're not talking about ignoring kids and letting them watch tv for 12 hours a day. We're talking about not letting them sleep in bed with you until they're 10. Or leaving them with a sitter once a month. So that you can prioritize your marriage sometimes.

Ok, the DH can call the sitter and figure out sleep training if he doesn't like the situation. Be our guest!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. We have made it a priority to put our marriage first. We have a 4-month-old baby and are going to trying for a second child soon by the first year. We don't neglect him, but we have done things to benefit our marriage - early bedtime, a schedule, sleeping in his own crib, etc. We are all to spend 1-2 hours together most nights and we do a date night every week. We only go probably 2-3 times a month, but we do a date night in with some take out, wine, and a movie. We have sex most nights or every other day. If sex isn't on the table, I almost always give him oral sex. I think it helps that he is a 50/50 partner in parenting and running the household.

Sex every day or so plus oral will keep any man happy.

+1. You sound amazing!

she sounds like ... a mom to a single 4, easy 4-month old, who may have a different perspective in a few years.

[Anonymous]

Solo Mom here who does it all. You are married because you have a relationship with someone. You need to do things to sustain it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. We have made it a priority to put our marriage first. We have a 4-month-old baby and are going to trying for a second child soon by the first year. We don't neglect him, but we have done things to benefit our marriage - early bedtime, a schedule, sleeping in his own crib, etc. We are all to spend 1-2 hours together most nights and we do a date night every week. We only go probably 2-3 times a month, but we do a date night in with some take out, wine, and a movie. We have sex most nights or every other day. If sex isn't on the table, I almost always give him oral sex. I think it helps that he is a 50/50 partner in parenting and running the household.

Sex every day or so plus oral will keep any man happy.

+1. You sound amazing!

she sounds like ... a mom to a single 4, easy 4-month old, who may have a different perspective in a few years.

Or maybe not. As a mom you can make your life a lot easier if you sleep train and have your baby on a schedule. A mom who prioritizes this will most likely also do things to continue having a well run household as their baby gets older.

There are many moms I know who don’t DO things that would make their life easier. This continues as their kids age. They don’t create boundaries, wait for ages to potty train, don’t sleep train, allow their husbands not to coparent etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This could go either way..I have seen the over obsessed moms, yes. However, I’ve also seen moms working FT, doing all of the childcare and household stuff, while their DHs do nothing (except whine for more of her attention).

If I were a DH in this situation, I’d be asking myself “what can I take on so that DW has more time for me?”

Now if the answer is “nothing” and if she has more time she will just spend it watching tv- then sure. But I’d make sure that is the case before complaining about my wife neglecting the marriage

Then don’t do everything. Few men are putting a gun to your head and making you do everything. Just stop.

[Anonymous]

It’s funny. I have been attacked on DCUM for years for saying that my marriage takes priority over my children.

The greatest gift you can give your children is a happy marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s funny. I have been attacked on DCUM for years for saying that my marriage takes priority over my children.

The greatest gift you can give your children is a happy marriage.

The womenbthatvare attacking you are the ones that got married for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have watched too many friends fall into the role of Mommy. They put all of their energy into their kids. They will complain they are too tired for date night but then have let their six year old dictate that they want ice skating lessons at 6 am. Or they won’t hire a sitter because the kids don’t like sitters. It’s like they put their relationships with their husbands on ice and the kids always come first. Or they let their kids crawl into bed with them every night or sleep in their kids’ rooms. I am not saying kids should be neglected but they don’t need 3 or 4 activities or inconvenient ones and too bad if they don’t like sitters and they can sleep in their own beds. In particular, I have 3 friends all divorced in the last 2 years who fell into this child-centric role. Their husbands didn’t have much say in the kids’ lives and we’re definitely at the bottom of the pecking order of priorities. They now contemplate what happened to their marriages and while one admits the dynamic changed with kids, another blames her DH for his affair and the third is just mad her DH didn’t stick it out. I keep my mouth shut but I really think their hyper focus on the kids was a major contributor.

Do you have kids? It does not sound like you do and you sound very young and naive. Kids bring tremendous joy and the women that ignore their husbands usually just do it because they don’t like them anymore