If I do, how horrible a human am I?

[Anonymous]

No moral judgment here. You are in a very difficult situation. Many people who criticize believe they know what they would do, but the reality is, they are often hypocrites and/or would be humbled by what they'd do if actually in your position.

My concern for you is unintended consequences. You may ease your suffering and lack of physical intimacy but seriously complicate your situation and increase your suffering. Even if you think you can compartmentalize and just get certain needs met, you cannot truly prevent yourself from bonding with this person. Oxytocin is real, and you're going to be risking serious biochemical attachment to this person whether you want it or not. Or he with you. Further, the allure of a fairy tale is strong when you're "real" life is hard. So even if you are practical and rational and aware going on--and think you're in control--you are at huge risk.

The risk is immense and one or both of you can easily become very attached. Aside from the emotional suffering that can cause, there are all kinds of things that could happen out of that that could make your tough situation all the worse. No matter how much you think this person is trustworthy and you know him, people do really crazy things if they are attached, or when they feel rejected or betrayed.

So go forward only if you genuinely acknowledge all the risks. From the outside they are real and clear. Risk of one or both falling in love--in which case you either leave your DH, or you don't. Lots of suffering either way. Risk that your relations with this other man become public or at least known to others--are you OK if your husband finds out? Your family? Your coworkers? Neighbors? No matter how much effort you put into deception and covering, people make mistakes, and coincidences happen. You could run into someone you know, etc. Are you OK with anyone finding out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course you should do this and hell no don't tell your husband. Why would you force your loving husband to further confront the obvious, that he is physically incapable of fulfilling the most basic human need.

THE most basic human need? Um, it might be up there, but I'm pretty sure there are a few things a little higher up on that list.

Yes, it's a basic human need to want sex and human contact.

Yet in other threads, many DWs are proud of how they no longer want sex with DH and how many years they've put it off... then get mad when he seeks out an AP.

OK, and?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with Dan Savage on this topic in this instance (although I think he gives this pass too quickly) - if sleeping with this person will fulfill that need for you and allow you to stay in a committed marriage to someone you love and care for, it makes you a better partner, not worse. Of course some DH's in this situation would gladly give you a pass (or even make this your sex life - you going out and getting some and then coming home to talk about it), but I'm guessing yours isn't one of them since you didn't mention asking him.

OTOH, do not do this if recently-divorced guy is on your radar as more than a FWB, or if you think he will develop feelings and want you to leave your husband.

If she is "going it" with someone else then it ain't a committed marriage...

[Anonymous]

My DH had his prostate removed 8 years ago. The first few years were difficult with no sex. You get used to it.

[Anonymous]

I would not do it. You made a vow for in sickness and in health. My DH is going through serious health issues, and the last thing I would do is cheat on him.

[Anonymous]

I think divorcing him vs cheating on him are equally as bad. I would feel guilty. You’re between a rock and hard spot, I truly don’t know what I would do OP. Talk to a resource out of DCUM the suggestion for military wives or groups of vets that may have similar issues may help and was the best suggestion so far in these 4 pages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Switch the genders and a man would be crucified for even suggesting this. Just look at the “I don’t want to have sex with my husband anymore “ threads.

Don't want to have sex is an issue that can be worked out with meds, therapy, or divorce.

Physically incapable of having sex but otherwise a loving relationship is a horse of a different color. There's nothing to work on, because there's nothing more she or he could be doing to meet each other's needs. It's physiological.

you're so full of sh*t. substitute DH for DW, and accident for cancer. No f'ing way in hell would anyone endorse a DH to step out on his cancer-stricken wife who is unable to have sex. absolutely no f'ing way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course you should do this and hell no don't tell your husband. Why would you force your loving husband to further confront the obvious, that he is physically incapable of fulfilling the most basic human need.

THE most basic human need? Um, it might be up there, but I'm pretty sure there are a few things a little higher up on that list.

Yes, it's a basic human need to want sex and human contact.

Yet in other threads, many DWs are proud of how they no longer want sex with DH and how many years they've put it off... then get mad when he seeks out an AP.

OK, and?

then it must be ok for anyone in a relationship where their most basic sexual needs are not being met adequately to step out and find a separate lover. therefore a new DCUM proclamation - no more threads bashing men (and some women) who cheat. anyone who does gets reported that those posts/threads are automatically deleted. How does that work for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a good vibrator

+1 your DH also has a mouth and hands. Unless he is paralyzed or is in constant pain, he should be able to do *something*. Your situation sucks, but "in sickness and in health" are in the vows, at least they were in my vows.

If you otherwise have a good marriage, I wouldn't risk it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I am shocked this isn't unanimous.

Of course you should do this and hell no don't tell your husband. Why would you force your loving husband to further confront the obvious, that he is physically incapable of fulfilling the most basic human need.

If you don't do this, you will become more resentful, your heart will continue to wander and you may end up with caregiver burnout and divorce him. How is any of that better for either of you.

Go for it, be discrete and you are already 100x the person that the naysayers on here are.

I guess marriage vows mean nothing - you know, "in sickness and in health" and all that other blah blah

[Anonymous]

No. Do whatever the heck you want, as long as you don't contaminate your husband with an STD, and as long as you continue to care for him with all the attention he deserves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I am shocked this isn't unanimous.

Of course you should do this and hell no don't tell your husband. Why would you force your loving husband to further confront the obvious, that he is physically incapable of fulfilling the most basic human need.

If you don't do this, you will become more resentful, your heart will continue to wander and you may end up with caregiver burnout and divorce him. How is any of that better for either of you.

Go for it, be discrete and you are already 100x the person that the naysayers on here are.

Umm. Maybe because it's .....obvious? It's obvious that most people (women or men) need some kind of sexual activity. Ignoring the elephant in the room isn't healthy.

IMO, OP should talk to her DH about it, because it involves him -- is she going to lie to him about it? what if he found out? what if talking about it could provide some improvement in aspects of their relationship even if it isn't full natural PIV sex? (more touching, other kinds of sexual activity, etc.) what if DH would give "permission" for it and OP and DH could negotiate boundaries that they might both feel comfortable about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I am shocked this isn't unanimous.

Of course you should do this and hell no don't tell your husband. Why would you force your loving husband to further confront the obvious, that he is physically incapable of fulfilling the most basic human need.

If you don't do this, you will become more resentful, your heart will continue to wander and you may end up with caregiver burnout and divorce him. How is any of that better for either of you.

Go for it, be discrete and you are already 100x the person that the naysayers on here are.

I guess marriage vows mean nothing - you know, "in sickness and in health" and all that other blah blah

I agree with the first PP. I’m a very loyal person and take my marriage vows seriously, but in your case, I think a discreet long distance and infrequent affair would be ok. And no, I would not talk about it with him, or anyone else, ever. You are sticking with your DH and being his lifelong caregiver, you are there for him in his sickness and health.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm having a hard time thinking this through because you are really unclear about what the parameters of your husband's disability are. Are you saying that he can't use any part of his body to be sexual with you (hands, mouth, w/ev) or just that he can't have PIV intercourse?

Or is it that since he can't have PIV intercourse, he's avoiding the whole subject?

It's very difficult for me to imagine stepping out over PIV intercourse alone.

[Anonymous]

Does your DH have working hands? Mouth? Have you gotten creative? I'm sure his self esteem has hit rock bottom, but you can still make each other feel good and foster intimacy without PIV.