My husband just doesn’t get it. Barely engages with 8 week old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband doesn’t like to be told what the baby needs and feels I should ask for his help.

For example, after I feed the baby he wants me to ask him first before passing him to him. He doesn’t like that I say “he needs to be burped then changed” and would rather I ask him to do it. As if it’s domehow optional for him to engage in our child’s care rather than taking the initiative to share the load. Which he doesn’t.

To put in in perspective my husband doesn’t get up in the night to change diapers. When he gets home from work he spends 45 minutes in the bathroom pooping and showering. Then he has to eat half a sleeve of saltines and cheese before he’s “ready” to hold the baby. He sits on the couch with his phone in one hand and the remote in another, barely engaging with the baby while the TV is on. Then I start dinner of finish any chores that need to be done. If I’m lucky, my husband will take his plate to the kitchen and start cleaning up or offer to bathe the baby. I do all the night time care and put the baby to sleep while my husband gets a solid 6-8 hours of sleep.

The weekends are my only reprieve. My husband doesn’t like that I tell him what the baby needs. I don’t have the option to cop out of diaper changes or feedings, it’s all on me during the week. My husband feels I’m trying to “pass the baby off” to him - which is exactly what I’m trying to do! I need 30 minutes to shower or paint my nails or anything.

When I try to bring this up to him all he says is “wow” and disengages, returns to his phone, or argues that I spend too much time on my phone or that I should just be doing the diaper changes when the baby needs it because that’s what “he would do” - but he doesn’t. He doesn’t take initiative which is why I tell him. He just. doesn’t. get. it.

I feel like I’m drowning. My husband has spent maybe 6 hours straight with our son once in 8 weeks and I do 95% of the work. My husband will sometimes take the baby on weekday mornings from 6-8 so I can get some extra sleep but that’s about the extent of it.

He had a backache this weekend and in between changing and feeding the baby I had to bring him painkillers, rub his back, bring the baby to him while he laid on the couch. It’s not that I’m unsympathetic, but I’ve had to solo parent with migraines and the flu without any reprieve from him.

How can I get him to engage more? I can’t keep this dynamic up.

I almost don’t know how to respond because there are so many things going on here.

Sounds like your husband doesn’t like babies. I don’t and this was how I felt as a new mom. I resented having to hold him, the crying, etc. But I took care of my baby because I had to do so.

I personally wouldn’t put up with this behavior. I would tell him I need to go to the grocery store when he got home and hand him the baby and leave. Or put it in a carrier while it screamed. I would NEVER have rubbed his back unless I was held at gunpoint and forced to do so. The fact you even rubbed his back shows me that his behavior is partially your fault. You’re enabling him.

If you only have one child and are on leave you should be able to get 6-8 hours of sleep. Or simply have him take the baby from 7-midnight while you sleep and then try and get another hour or two in the afternoon.

On the other hand I also don’t understand what you expect. He is going to work so you’re up at night with the baby. You make dinner while he watches the baby. He usually cleans up while I assume you have the baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. He’s just a typical dad. You didn’t REALLY think he was going to take care of an 8 week old baby like you would did you? Give him time he could turn into a great dad in a few years. Sorry.

No he isn’t a typical dad. You are a pushover. There are many really great dads from day one.

EXACTLY.


ladies this crap isn’t normal. Don’t fool
Yourselves.

It’s a little more normal when you consider that the husband is working and she is not. I assume he’s out of the house 10 hours a day and he can’t be taking care of the baby during this time. She can nap during the day and he cannot.

Newborn babies sleep at least 14 hours a day at a bare minimum.

[Anonymous]

When he gets home from work he spends 45 minutes in the bathroom pooping and showering. Then he has to eat half a sleeve of saltines and cheese before he’s “ready” to hold the baby.

Maybe he'd spend less time in the bathroom if he cut back on all the saltines and cheese.

[Anonymous]

I think you’re justifiably frustrated how the bulk of childrearing is put on women. You’re probably on leave and he had, what a week or two? Society and his employer already made it clear that this baby is your job and not his. There is hope things will turn around when you return to work but you need to really communicate about your expectations and what will be required of him when you return to work.

Don’t have any more kids with him. Women in your shoes complain complain complain but then have more kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask him, not tell him to do things. Not "the baby's diaper needs changing" but "can you change the baby's diaper please?" That's just common courtesy. Think about how you'd talk to a coworker, and afford your DH at least that level of courtesy.

Men have difficulty bonding with babies when they're really young (I know I did) as they don't "do" much and they need to be around mom for eating anyway. I didn't do night diaper changes either -- we agreed if DW is up anyway to feed baby, no need for me to wake up also. What we did do is that I did baby bath time, alone, almost every night.

Most men I know get a lot more involved with their kids once they can do things back (like at 9-12 months). 8 weeks is still really young.

Oh for Pete’s sake. You’re singing OP for supposedly failing to show “common courtesy”? She said he doesn’t like it when she tells him what to do, so it sounds like she’s communicating passively to try to placate him.

+1 wtf.. HIS baby needs diaper changed. Why should the mom have to ask. This goes back to the thread about clueless dads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. He’s just a typical dad. You didn’t REALLY think he was going to take care of an 8 week old baby like you would did you? Give him time he could turn into a great dad in a few years. Sorry.

Wait... in the other thread about clueless dads, it is not the norm for younger dads to be checked out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband doesn’t like to be told what the baby needs and feels I should ask for his help.

For example, after I feed the baby he wants me to ask him first before passing him to him. He doesn’t like that I say “he needs to be burped then changed” and would rather I ask him to do it. As if it’s domehow optional for him to engage in our child’s care rather than taking the initiative to share the load. Which he doesn’t.

To put in in perspective my husband doesn’t get up in the night to change diapers. When he gets home from work he spends 45 minutes in the bathroom pooping and showering. Then he has to eat half a sleeve of saltines and cheese before he’s “ready” to hold the baby. He sits on the couch with his phone in one hand and the remote in another, barely engaging with the baby while the TV is on. Then I start dinner of finish any chores that need to be done. If I’m lucky, my husband will take his plate to the kitchen and start cleaning up or offer to bathe the baby. I do all the night time care and put the baby to sleep while my husband gets a solid 6-8 hours of sleep.

The weekends are my only reprieve. My husband doesn’t like that I tell him what the baby needs. I don’t have the option to cop out of diaper changes or feedings, it’s all on me during the week. My husband feels I’m trying to “pass the baby off” to him - which is exactly what I’m trying to do! I need 30 minutes to shower or paint my nails or anything.

When I try to bring this up to him all he says is “wow” and disengages, returns to his phone, or argues that I spend too much time on my phone or that I should just be doing the diaper changes when the baby needs it because that’s what “he would do” - but he doesn’t. He doesn’t take initiative which is why I tell him. He just. doesn’t. get. it.

I feel like I’m drowning. My husband has spent maybe 6 hours straight with our son once in 8 weeks and I do 95% of the work. My husband will sometimes take the baby on weekday mornings from 6-8 so I can get some extra sleep but that’s about the extent of it.

He had a backache this weekend and in between changing and feeding the baby I had to bring him painkillers, rub his back, bring the baby to him while he laid on the couch. It’s not that I’m unsympathetic, but I’ve had to solo parent with migraines and the flu without any reprieve from him.

How can I get him to engage more? I can’t keep this dynamic up.

The more I read this the more I think you’re lazy. He can’t shower at work, right? You have multiple opportunities a day to shower. A newborn baby should be taking multiple naps. Something is wrong if you’re only able to find 30 minutes to shower when he is home on the weekend. Maybe you have a colicky baby, but you didn’t mention that so I assume not.

Your husband is saying WOW because he’s shocked to find out about your expectation. You decided to have a baby and you’re home on leave. To take care of a baby. Trying to make him miserable won’t make you any less miserable. Why is it a problem that he needs an hour to chill before he takes over the baby? Didn’t you say he also is taking him in the mornings? You seem to not understand what life is like with a newborn. This is it. Your husband is at work and when you go back to work you will be relieved of your job taking care of the baby from day, 7-5 PM or whatever your work hours are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask him, not tell him to do things. Not "the baby's diaper needs changing" but "can you change the baby's diaper please?" That's just common courtesy. Think about how you'd talk to a coworker, and afford your DH at least that level of courtesy.

Men have difficulty bonding with babies when they're really young (I know I did) as they don't "do" much and they need to be around mom for eating anyway. I didn't do night diaper changes either -- we agreed if DW is up anyway to feed baby, no need for me to wake up also. What we did do is that I did baby bath time, alone, almost every night.

Most men I know get a lot more involved with their kids once they can do things back (like at 9-12 months). 8 weeks is still really young.

Oh for Pete’s sake. You’re singing OP for supposedly failing to show “common courtesy”? She said he doesn’t like it when she tells him what to do, so it sounds like she’s communicating passively to try to placate him.

+1 wtf.. HIS baby needs diaper changed. Why should the mom have to ask. This goes back to the thread about clueless dads.

But isn’t mom home from work so she can take care of the baby??

It’s not like both OP and the husband are home from work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband doesn’t like to be told what the baby needs and feels I should ask for his help.

For example, after I feed the baby he wants me to ask him first before passing him to him. He doesn’t like that I say “he needs to be burped then changed” and would rather I ask him to do it. As if it’s domehow optional for him to engage in our child’s care rather than taking the initiative to share the load. Which he doesn’t.

To put in in perspective my husband doesn’t get up in the night to change diapers. When he gets home from work he spends 45 minutes in the bathroom pooping and showering. Then he has to eat half a sleeve of saltines and cheese before he’s “ready” to hold the baby. He sits on the couch with his phone in one hand and the remote in another, barely engaging with the baby while the TV is on. Then I start dinner of finish any chores that need to be done. If I’m lucky, my husband will take his plate to the kitchen and start cleaning up or offer to bathe the baby. I do all the night time care and put the baby to sleep while my husband gets a solid 6-8 hours of sleep.

The weekends are my only reprieve. My husband doesn’t like that I tell him what the baby needs. I don’t have the option to cop out of diaper changes or feedings, it’s all on me during the week. My husband feels I’m trying to “pass the baby off” to him - which is exactly what I’m trying to do! I need 30 minutes to shower or paint my nails or anything.

When I try to bring this up to him all he says is “wow” and disengages, returns to his phone, or argues that I spend too much time on my phone or that I should just be doing the diaper changes when the baby needs it because that’s what “he would do” - but he doesn’t. He doesn’t take initiative which is why I tell him. He just. doesn’t. get. it.

I feel like I’m drowning. My husband has spent maybe 6 hours straight with our son once in 8 weeks and I do 95% of the work. My husband will sometimes take the baby on weekday mornings from 6-8 so I can get some extra sleep but that’s about the extent of it.

He had a backache this weekend and in between changing and feeding the baby I had to bring him painkillers, rub his back, bring the baby to him while he laid on the couch. It’s not that I’m unsympathetic, but I’ve had to solo parent with migraines and the flu without any reprieve from him.

How can I get him to engage more? I can’t keep this dynamic up.

The more I read this the more I think you’re lazy. He can’t shower at work, right? You have multiple opportunities a day to shower. A newborn baby should be taking multiple naps. Something is wrong if you’re only able to find 30 minutes to shower when he is home on the weekend. Maybe you have a colicky baby, but you didn’t mention that so I assume not.

Your husband is saying WOW because he’s shocked to find out about your expectation. You decided to have a baby and you’re home on leave. To take care of a baby. Trying to make him miserable won’t make you any less miserable. Why are is it a problem that he needs an hour to chill before he takes over the baby? Didn’t you say he also is taking him in the mornings? You seem to not understand what life is like with a newborn. This is it. Your husband is at work and when you go back to work you will be relieved of your job taking care of the baby from day, 7-5 PM or whatever your work hours are.

Troll? Person who has never spent a day with an 8 week old? Or just an example of someone to never ever have a baby with?

[Anonymous]

Start talking now about how co-parenting will look when you return to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. He’s just a typical dad. You didn’t REALLY think he was going to take care of an 8 week old baby like you would did you? Give him time he could turn into a great dad in a few years. Sorry.

No he isn’t a typical dad. You are a pushover. There are many really great dads from day one.

EXACTLY.


ladies this crap isn’t normal. Don’t fool
Yourselves.

It’s normal for every other mom I know personally. A 50/50 dad to me is a unicorn. And yes, we all work full time also. My kids are 4 and 7. What OP describes was my life—just like my mom friends—for 6 solid years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband doesn’t like to be told what the baby needs and feels I should ask for his help.

For example, after I feed the baby he wants me to ask him first before passing him to him. He doesn’t like that I say “he needs to be burped then changed” and would rather I ask him to do it. As if it’s domehow optional for him to engage in our child’s care rather than taking the initiative to share the load. Which he doesn’t.

To put in in perspective my husband doesn’t get up in the night to change diapers. When he gets home from work he spends 45 minutes in the bathroom pooping and showering. Then he has to eat half a sleeve of saltines and cheese before he’s “ready” to hold the baby. He sits on the couch with his phone in one hand and the remote in another, barely engaging with the baby while the TV is on. Then I start dinner of finish any chores that need to be done. If I’m lucky, my husband will take his plate to the kitchen and start cleaning up or offer to bathe the baby. I do all the night time care and put the baby to sleep while my husband gets a solid 6-8 hours of sleep.

The weekends are my only reprieve. My husband doesn’t like that I tell him what the baby needs. I don’t have the option to cop out of diaper changes or feedings, it’s all on me during the week. My husband feels I’m trying to “pass the baby off” to him - which is exactly what I’m trying to do! I need 30 minutes to shower or paint my nails or anything.

When I try to bring this up to him all he says is “wow” and disengages, returns to his phone, or argues that I spend too much time on my phone or that I should just be doing the diaper changes when the baby needs it because that’s what “he would do” - but he doesn’t. He doesn’t take initiative which is why I tell him. He just. doesn’t. get. it.

I feel like I’m drowning. My husband has spent maybe 6 hours straight with our son once in 8 weeks and I do 95% of the work. My husband will sometimes take the baby on weekday mornings from 6-8 so I can get some extra sleep but that’s about the extent of it.

He had a backache this weekend and in between changing and feeding the baby I had to bring him painkillers, rub his back, bring the baby to him while he laid on the couch. It’s not that I’m unsympathetic, but I’ve had to solo parent with migraines and the flu without any reprieve from him.

How can I get him to engage more? I can’t keep this dynamic up.

The more I read this the more I think you’re lazy. He can’t shower at work, right? You have multiple opportunities a day to shower. A newborn baby should be taking multiple naps. Something is wrong if you’re only able to find 30 minutes to shower when he is home on the weekend. Maybe you have a colicky baby, but you didn’t mention that so I assume not.

Your husband is saying WOW because he’s shocked to find out about your expectation. You decided to have a baby and you’re home on leave. To take care of a baby. Trying to make him miserable won’t make you any less miserable. Why are is it a problem that he needs an hour to chill before he takes over the baby? Didn’t you say he also is taking him in the mornings? You seem to not understand what life is like with a newborn. This is it. Your husband is at work and when you go back to work you will be relieved of your job taking care of the baby from day, 7-5 PM or whatever your work hours are.

Troll? Person who has never spent a day with an 8 week old? Or just an example of someone to never ever have a baby with?

Or someone who hasn’t been at the office all day and had a spouse immediately pushing a baby on them when they enter the door?? Not sure why OP is upset that she has to take care of a baby while on maternity leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. He’s just a typical dad. You didn’t REALLY think he was going to take care of an 8 week old baby like you would did you? Give him time he could turn into a great dad in a few years. Sorry.

No he isn’t a typical dad. You are a pushover. There are many really great dads from day one.

EXACTLY.


ladies this crap isn’t normal. Don’t fool
Yourselves.

It’s normal for every other mom I know personally. A 50/50 dad to me is a unicorn. And yes, we all work full time also. My kids are 4 and 7. What OP describes was my life—just like my mom friends—for 6 solid years.

No. I think this is more normal when a mom is home on leave and is breastfeeding. Any mom with any common sense makes the dad step up when she returns to work. Every mom I know with a dad doing less than 50% is an enabler.

[Anonymous]

OP you need to nip his shitty parenting right now. Let the baby cry and just walk away to make him deal with it. Men are lazy by nature and will
Always do the least amount they can get away with. Go away for a day and night and leave the baby.

[Anonymous]

My DH was fully helping with a newborn. I did nursing but he did every diaper when he was home. He gave the baby. Titles at 3am while I pumped to get my supply up. He did that very last night feeding at 4am when kid was 8 months old. As soon as he walked in the door after work he was on. We were a team. It never occurred to me that he wouldn’t be that way and god knows if pulled the shit your DH is pulling he wouldn’t have gotten away with it. Not for more than an hour!!