My husband just doesn’t get it. Barely engages with 8 week old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dad is on baby duty in the evening. Don't worry too much about what he does while tending to the baby (newborns ARE boring) but that's when you get to shower, wash your hair and take a break. This should be non-negotiable, and since he didn't come up with it himself, you will have to tell him this is how it is. If he complains, you explain that you find the baby just as boring as he does, but CPS will come and get you both if you fail to keep the child alive because it's not fun.

He will eventually figure out baby is poopy, stinky, and gassy and work it out.

Or he won't. Like, I'm not saying don't try it, but it's totally possible this ends in a game of chicken where he's pounding on the door of the bathroom saying "I can't get the baby to be quiet", or else letting the kid cry until she's done. I don't think the issue here is he is not aware of her desires or she's not being assertive enough. I went through this on some baby stuff and...no, he just refused. That was it. I suppose I could have escalated it into actually yelling, but I was stressed out enough.

[Anonymous]

Let me guess you were just dying to pump out a baby and he was ambivalent. So to shut you up he went along with it. Now you’re mad he’s not Super Dad to the baby you cajoled him into having.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad is on baby duty in the evening. Don't worry too much about what he does while tending to the baby (newborns ARE boring) but that's when you get to shower, wash your hair and take a break. This should be non-negotiable, and since he didn't come up with it himself, you will have to tell him this is how it is. If he complains, you explain that you find the baby just as boring as he does, but CPS will come and get you both if you fail to keep the child alive because it's not fun.

He will eventually figure out baby is poopy, stinky, and gassy and work it out.

Or he won't. Like, I'm not saying don't try it, but it's totally possible this ends in a game of chicken where he's pounding on the door of the bathroom saying "I can't get the baby to be quiet", or else letting the kid cry until she's done. I don't think the issue here is he is not aware of her desires or she's not being assertive enough. I went through this on some baby stuff and...no, he just refused. That was it. I suppose I could have escalated it into actually yelling, but I was stressed out enough.

+1. OP, your husband is a bigger ass than my XH, who was abusive. Or just as big of one.

[Anonymous]

Either you are depressed and misreading the situation or your DH is already checked out. Perhaps it's kind of both? If you are miserable, he is emotionally distancing himself as a (bad) coping mechanism? Is there anyone around you beside the baby during the day? Do you have a friend to come over, a family member, or are you mostly alone? I found the loneliness to be the worst part of maternity leave, and I'm an introvert, so maybe what you need is more human interaction, and then you'll relax, and once you'll relax, your DH will too, and will pitch in more? Try your best to get out of the house. My DH and I used to go for drives during baby's nap time, and the baby would sleep in the car seat, sometimes we even went out to eat and brought the baby in the car seat. It helped us relax together. Or we'd take the stroller and go for a walk and just hang out. Being out in nature is emotionally therapeutic, and you both could use a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you talked about this and previously arranged how the responsibilities would be divided, it is assumed mothers are responsible for a much larger chuck of care for newborn babies. I’m presuming you are off work on maternity leave, he isn’t. The baby is you job right now.

Does your baby not nap and can’t be put down? Is he colicy? You are making it sound like someone needs to be holding him 24/7. I had two babies like this, so i don’t ask this in a snarky way and it is a phase that passes.

Put the baby in a swing, wear him in an ergo, put him on a sheepskin rug..those things should free up your arms so you can get some things done.

If you are borderline nervous breakdown, talk to him and explain what help you need to not go crazy. Encourage DH to wear the baby in a carrier and go for walks with him.

Sure, he is working and she is on maternity leave. However, that does not absolve him of all responsibility in caring for his child. Beyond that, he should WANT to care for HIS CHILD. I agree that OP should talk with her husband and explain that she needs him to actually parent. Do not frame it as "helping" though. He is not "helping" her by taking care of his own kid.

Join a gym. Every evening, as he heads for the bathroom to poop, remind him you are leaving and walk out the door. Go to the gym for an hour and return. Repeat until he gets it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Such a mixed bag of a post here!

1) I see his point on wanting to be spoken to with some courtesy. It takes very little effort to go from, "here's the baby change him," to "hey I need a break can you change Henry?"

2) He seems generally pretty dismissive of how you're experiencing this major life shift and you should definitely tackle that before a lifetime of lowered expectations set in

3) Half a sleeve of saltines and cheese is up there with lightly fried tuna in amazing DCUM-isms

4) You sound really overstressed and should consider or at least look into whether you are having some PPD. And this isn't an attack on you, just that if you have PPD a lot of things can feel SO MUCH worse. If your husband is reacting to you having a sharp and demanding tone a lot, its possible you are snapping and depressed and not even realizing it. Like I said, this isn't meant to be critical AT ALL, just something to be aware of, as every mom 8 weeks PP should be!

5) It shouldn't get him out of diaper changes or basic parenting responsibilities but guys really do seem to have trouble with little little babies. My DH has always had his bonding with the kids blossom around 9 months or so when they start to get super active and interesting. That doesn't mean he didn't do any feedings or diaper changes though!

THe point with having to ask him nicely is that it suggests that he is doing her a favor by babysitting his own child. He isn't doing her a favor, because it is his child too. She shouldn't have to ask at all. He should volunteer.
8 weeks is not too little for you to simply leave the house for an hour or two on a Saturday. Let him deal with the child on his own, and the sooner the better. This is why men get paternity leave in Scandinavia. When she returns home, she should NOT thank him for babysitting, or tell him he did a great job. She also should make sure she leaves some pumped milk, but shoudl not otherwise organize his afternoon, the baby's clothes, activities, etc. It needs to be on him.

[Anonymous]

Do NOT micromanage DH in terms of child care. It's the biggest way women ruin their marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess you were just dying to pump out a baby and he was ambivalent. So to shut you up he went along with it. Now you’re mad he’s not Super Dad to the baby you cajoled him into having.

Possibility

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless you talked about this and previously arranged how the responsibilities would be divided, it is assumed mothers are responsible for a much larger chuck of care for newborn babies. I’m presuming you are off work on maternity leave, he isn’t. The baby is you job right now.

Does your baby not nap and can’t be put down? Is he colicy? You are making it sound like someone needs to be holding him 24/7. I had two babies like this, so i don’t ask this in a snarky way and it is a phase that passes.

Put the baby in a swing, wear him in an ergo, put him on a sheepskin rug..those things should free up your arms so you can get some things done.

If you are borderline nervous breakdown, talk to him and explain what help you need to not go crazy. Encourage DH to wear the baby in a carrier and go for walks with him.

Are you ff...ing serious???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Such a mixed bag of a post here!

1) I see his point on wanting to be spoken to with some courtesy. It takes very little effort to go from, "here's the baby change him," to "hey I need a break can you change Henry?"

2) He seems generally pretty dismissive of how you're experiencing this major life shift and you should definitely tackle that before a lifetime of lowered expectations set in

3) Half a sleeve of saltines and cheese is up there with lightly fried tuna in amazing DCUM-isms

4) You sound really overstressed and should consider or at least look into whether you are having some PPD. And this isn't an attack on you, just that if you have PPD a lot of things can feel SO MUCH worse. If your husband is reacting to you having a sharp and demanding tone a lot, its possible you are snapping and depressed and not even realizing it. Like I said, this isn't meant to be critical AT ALL, just something to be aware of, as every mom 8 weeks PP should be!

5) It shouldn't get him out of diaper changes or basic parenting responsibilities but guys really do seem to have trouble with little little babies. My DH has always had his bonding with the kids blossom around 9 months or so when they start to get super active and interesting. That doesn't mean he didn't do any feedings or diaper changes though!

THe point with having to ask him nicely is that it suggests that he is doing her a favor by babysitting his own child. He isn't doing her a favor, because it is his child too. She shouldn't have to ask at all. He should volunteer.
8 weeks is not too little for you to simply leave the house for an hour or two on a Saturday. Let him deal with the child on his own, and the sooner the better. This is why men get paternity leave in Scandinavia. When she returns home, she should NOT thank him for babysitting, or tell him he did a great job. She also should make sure she leaves some pumped milk, but shoudl not otherwise organize his afternoon, the baby's clothes, activities, etc. It needs to be on him.

PP here. I am clearly team OP for the most part. But I disagree. Talking to each other with courtesy is a sign of a good and healthy and mutually respectful relationship. I always ask politely when I need something from my husband, even if he should have alraedy done it, and he does the same for me. That creates an atmosphere of mutual respect that helps stave off resentment.

Asking isn't pre supposing he's doing her a favor. It's just being respectful, no one likes to be ordered around. I clean the kitchen and fill up the dishwasher every night because its my chore. If my husband started ending every dinner with, "hey clean the kitchen woman" I would be extremely irritated even though I already had every intention to do so.

Asking shows respect and appreciation and IMO starts a mutual circle of respect

[Anonymous]

Hire a postpartum helper. EFF that


I'd probably leave him

[Anonymous]

I am not understanding what you want from him. I have three kids. Newborns sleep a large portion of the day. You should have a chance during the day jump in the shower. Are you not putting the baby down all day? If that is the case, then yes you are creating a problem. He shouldn’t need to hold the baby the second he walks in the door (unless he wants to). Put the baby in a low reclining bouncer (Bjorne makes a great one that an 8 wk old can go in) or bassinet while you cook. If you are in the middle of something, then ask him to pick him up.

I would never expect my husband to get up with the baby at night. He has a job that would be extremely dangerous to him and others if he is tired, plus he doesn’t get to nap if he needs to. You can nap when the baby naps. Unless you are working full time and formula feeding, it make no sense for him to wake up at night too.

All newborns do is eat, sleep, and want to snuggle their mom. What do want him to do to “engage” besides occasional holding and diaper changing? If you are struggling have him help in other ways like cooking and cleaning. But newborns and moms are meant to be together and expecting a dad is going to 50% of newborn care just isn’t realistic. Sure dads are capable in in some circumstances need to and can provide full great care for a newborn, but the most natural thing and what a newborn wants is its mother.

[Anonymous]

My husband was like this until my first kid turned 6 years old (second was 3 years then). Yes, I was working full time. It was awful. No, the marriage is not good, but was not that great before the first kid, which was not planned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not understanding what you want from him. I have three kids. Newborns sleep a large portion of the day. You should have a chance during the day jump in the shower. Are you not putting the baby down all day? If that is the case, then yes you are creating a problem. He shouldn’t need to hold the baby the second he walks in the door (unless he wants to). Put the baby in a low reclining bouncer (Bjorne makes a great one that an 8 wk old can go in) or bassinet while you cook. If you are in the middle of something, then ask him to pick him up.

I would never expect my husband to get up with the baby at night. He has a job that would be extremely dangerous to him and others if he is tired, plus he doesn’t get to nap if he needs to. You can nap when the baby naps. Unless you are working full time and formula feeding, it make no sense for him to wake up at night too.

All newborns do is eat, sleep, and want to snuggle their mom. What do want him to do to “engage” besides occasional holding and diaper changing? If you are struggling have him help in other ways like cooking and cleaning. But newborns and moms are meant to be together and expecting a dad is going to 50% of newborn care just isn’t realistic. Sure dads are capable in in some circumstances need to and can provide full great care for a newborn, but the most natural thing and what a newborn wants is its mother.

Early parenthood is hard and dads can absolutely pull their weight. The whole tone of your post is what exacerbates ppd in struggling women.

And I am really confused as to why your husband's job is relevant to this conversation. And im a pp that has not been totally team OP, but you are insufferable.

[Anonymous]

Go to your parents. Go tomorrow. Fuuuuuuck this man baby!