My husband just doesn’t get it. Barely engages with 8 week old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Well hallelujah, my husband held the baby yesterday while eating his saltines and cheese so I could move on to other tasks like laundry or cooking.

Also, “sleep when the baby sleeps” is BS. I’m lucky if baby wants to sleep anywhere but my chest. He will have one good nap in the morning on our walk but after that he wants to be held all. the. time. He’s not colicky, he’s a baby who just constantly craves touch. It’s hard to get a decent shower or anything done in a reasonable amount of time and yes I’ve tried baby wearing and sometimes it just makes him fuss or cry more.

And yes, I would love it if my DH could contribute to the cooking or laundry and I’m going to just ask politely from now on since apparently that’s what I need to do to get him to contribute to the household. I cook probably 6 meals out of the week. I don’t know, maybe the secret to having a contributing partner is to train him like a dolphin with positive reinforcement.

He is in for a rude awakening when I return from work. I work later than he does so he will need to relieve the nanny and I’m not sure how that will affect his 1 hour time in his man cave (aka, the bathroom), when he finds out that it’s going to cost us overtime wages for the nanny.

At the end of the day I’m just touched out and stressed at the piling laundry or dishwasher that needs to be unloaded. And yes, I have started 20mg Prozac so hopefully that helps with the irritability.

Right. Now it’s you have a baby who will only sleep on you. You can’t put the baby down for naps.

Next it’s...

- your baby demands to eat multiple times during the night at six months old
- Your 12 month old doesn’t sleep but you refuse to sleep train
- Your baby won’t “let you” take him out in the stroller
- you have a husband who doesn’t do anything but you’ve never left him alone with the child
- You have a 3 year old you haven’t potty trained

I’d put my kid in a bassinet or crib and have that baby taking regularly scheduled naps in no time. But I’m not you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Well hallelujah, my husband held the baby yesterday while eating his saltines and cheese so I could move on to other tasks like laundry or cooking.

Also, “sleep when the baby sleeps” is BS. I’m lucky if baby wants to sleep anywhere but my chest. He will have one good nap in the morning on our walk but after that he wants to be held all. the. time. He’s not colicky, he’s a baby who just constantly craves touch. It’s hard to get a decent shower or anything done in a reasonable amount of time and yes I’ve tried baby wearing and sometimes it just makes him fuss or cry more.

And yes, I would love it if my DH could contribute to the cooking or laundry and I’m going to just ask politely from now on since apparently that’s what I need to do to get him to contribute to the household. I cook probably 6 meals out of the week. I don’t know, maybe the secret to having a contributing partner is to train him like a dolphin with positive reinforcement.

He is in for a rude awakening when I return from work. I work later than he does so he will need to relieve the nanny and I’m not sure how that will affect his 1 hour time in his man cave (aka, the bathroom), when he finds out that it’s going to cost us overtime wages for the nanny.

At the end of the day I’m just touched out and stressed at the piling laundry or dishwasher that needs to be unloaded. And yes, I have started 20mg Prozac so hopefully that helps with the irritability.

It's not "irritability." It's contempt. You will kill your marriage with it if you keep indulging it. Pick up Gottman, "And Baby Makes Three." Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP some of the posters are being awfully hard on you! All of these things ARE as ridiculous as you think they are- you are generally not wrong.

However: unfortunately, a lot of them seem to be the norm. You’ll have to let a lot of it go (as most of us have learned) if you want to remain married.

I really really relate with the “relaxing for an hour in the bathroom” yep- effing ridiculous. My kids are all elementary aged by now and my DH has done this since forever. On the weekends or days we are at home a lot, he is in there for 30-45min relaxing up to 3-4x/day, no joke. BUT you’ll find you have little choice but to put up with it. Showing contempt will damage your marriage and ultimately that will affect DB. You have to decide what you can put up with.

Again, most of your feelings are totally normal and a lot of us have been there.

My advice is to focus on being kind to DH, and continue asking for help nicely. You don’t need marriage stress right now. Focus on DB, get help from other sources. In many ways DH will probably really come through and surprise you if you are patient. Most men do, as babies get older and they can relate better with them. On other things, I’m sorry to say he probably will NOT come around but that is life and marriage and there’s not much you can realistically do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish you were my DW. I work ten hour shifts five days a week. I get home at 5pm, and the burden shifts. I feed, play, and change my 5 month old until she falls asleep, which is usually by 10pm. Weekends are also my responsobility. I wake up two three times during the night to feed. I don't complain because my wife does all of the baby caring when I'm working.

I say withhold sex until he learns his role.

ha, no way a man wrote this... the whole withhold sex threat is a woman's thought

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish you were my DW. I work ten hour shifts five days a week. I get home at 5pm, and the burden shifts. I feed, play, and change my 5 month old until she falls asleep, which is usually by 10pm. Weekends are also my responsobility. I wake up two three times during the night to feed. I don't complain because my wife does all of the baby caring when I'm working.

I say withhold sex until he learns his role.

ha, no way a man wrote this... the whole withhold sex threat is a woman's thought

lol no it’s red piller logic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp- you already posted that a few times. Get a new line.

Actually I posted once. Others must have the same opinion which isn't everyone's opinion. It is a forum people can disagree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Such a mixed bag of a post here!

1) I see his point on wanting to be spoken to with some courtesy. It takes very little effort to go from, "here's the baby change him," to "hey I need a break can you change Henry?"

2) He seems generally pretty dismissive of how you're experiencing this major life shift and you should definitely tackle that before a lifetime of lowered expectations set in

3) Half a sleeve of saltines and cheese is up there with lightly fried tuna in amazing DCUM-isms

4) You sound really overstressed and should consider or at least look into whether you are having some PPD. And this isn't an attack on you, just that if you have PPD a lot of things can feel SO MUCH worse. If your husband is reacting to you having a sharp and demanding tone a lot, its possible you are snapping and depressed and not even realizing it. Like I said, this isn't meant to be critical AT ALL, just something to be aware of, as every mom 8 weeks PP should be!

5) It shouldn't get him out of diaper changes or basic parenting responsibilities but guys really do seem to have trouble with little little babies. My DH has always had his bonding with the kids blossom around 9 months or so when they start to get super active and interesting. That doesn't mean he didn't do any feedings or diaper changes though!

THe point with having to ask him nicely is that it suggests that he is doing her a favor by babysitting his own child. He isn't doing her a favor, because it is his child too. She shouldn't have to ask at all. He should volunteer.
8 weeks is not too little for you to simply leave the house for an hour or two on a Saturday. Let him deal with the child on his own, and the sooner the better. This is why men get paternity leave in Scandinavia. When she returns home, she should NOT thank him for babysitting, or tell him he did a great job. She also should make sure she leaves some pumped milk, but shoudl not otherwise organize his afternoon, the baby's clothes, activities, etc. It needs to be on him.

PP here. I am clearly team OP for the most part. But I disagree. Talking to each other with courtesy is a sign of a good and healthy and mutually respectful relationship. I always ask politely when I need something from my husband, even if he should have alraedy done it, and he does the same for me. That creates an atmosphere of mutual respect that helps stave off resentment.

Asking isn't pre supposing he's doing her a favor. It's just being respectful, no one likes to be ordered around. I clean the kitchen and fill up the dishwasher every night because its my chore. If my husband started ending every dinner with, "hey clean the kitchen woman" I would be extremely irritated even though I already had every intention to do so.

Asking shows respect and appreciation and IMO starts a mutual circle of respect

THIS is some of the best advice on DCUM I have ever seen. I was on the verge of divorce but after lots of therapy, we discovered it really was all about the way we communicated. Just a slight tone change and asking instead of demanding really changed everything for us. I never realized how demanding I sounded when I came at him to do things. He recorded me for a day and I recorded him for a day, it was a great exercise and really opened my eyes at how I come acorrs. I wouldn't want him to order me around, even if I should be doing things that I am not doing. I learned men really internalize that and it's a marriage killer. Sure, he should have been doing it, but I also never gave him a chance, and I also discovered things that I do that drive him nuts, but that he just let go. It made me realize how much he also overlooks.

Bottom line - show your partner respect, if they go low, you go high....it snaps them out of their funk....and always try to remember we are human, not perfect, and everyone is allowed to have a bad day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Well hallelujah, my husband held the baby yesterday while eating his saltines and cheese so I could move on to other tasks like laundry or cooking.

Also, “sleep when the baby sleeps” is BS. I’m lucky if baby wants to sleep anywhere but my chest. He will have one good nap in the morning on our walk but after that he wants to be held all. the. time. He’s not colicky, he’s a baby who just constantly craves touch. It’s hard to get a decent shower or anything done in a reasonable amount of time and yes I’ve tried baby wearing and sometimes it just makes him fuss or cry more.

And yes, I would love it if my DH could contribute to the cooking or laundry and I’m going to just ask politely from now on since apparently that’s what I need to do to get him to contribute to the household. I cook probably 6 meals out of the week. I don’t know, maybe the secret to having a contributing partner is to train him like a dolphin with positive reinforcement.

He is in for a rude awakening when I return from work. I work later than he does so he will need to relieve the nanny and I’m not sure how that will affect his 1 hour time in his man cave (aka, the bathroom), when he finds out that it’s going to cost us overtime wages for the nanny.

At the end of the day I’m just touched out and stressed at the piling laundry or dishwasher that needs to be unloaded. And yes, I have started 20mg Prozac so hopefully that helps with the irritability.

It's not "irritability." It's contempt. You will kill your marriage with it if you keep indulging it. Pick up Gottman, "And Baby Makes Three." Good luck.

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