My husband just doesn’t get it. Barely engages with 8 week old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are women who have children with losers insisting that everyone be martyrs like them? My DH, brother and male relatives all pitched in willingly to help with their babies, even in the cases where the men were working and wives were SAHM. This is not abnormal behavior for men.

Agree. This guy is a loser and ManChild.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you talked about this and previously arranged how the responsibilities would be divided, it is assumed mothers are responsible for a much larger chuck of care for newborn babies. I’m presuming you are off work on maternity leave, he isn’t. The baby is you job right now.

Does your baby not nap and can’t be put down? Is he colicy? You are making it sound like someone needs to be holding him 24/7. I had two babies like this, so i don’t ask this in a snarky way and it is a phase that passes.

Put the baby in a swing, wear him in an ergo, put him on a sheepskin rug..those things should free up your arms so you can get some things done.

If you are borderline nervous breakdown, talk to him and explain what help you need to not go crazy. Encourage DH to wear the baby in a carrier and go for walks with him.

Unless you talked about this and previously arranged how the responsibilities would be divided, it is assumed that fathers and mothers are responsible for equal amounts of the care of newborn babies. I'm presuming he has paternity leave as well. When is he taking his leave? The baby is both of your jobs equally right now, because both of you made it.

There, FTFY, PP. BTW, PP, you are a self-righteous sexist prig. Women are not primarily responsible for newborns. You demonstrate exactly the kind of sexist world view that puts women behind in life.

A woman who is staying home and taking care of the baby all day is doing a job. Her job ends when her husband's job ends and it is entirely reasonable to expect that DH participate equally in the care of baby when he gets home. I am assuming, like many SAHM's she is also doing some other household chores like laundry, grocery shopping and meal prep, while she is home with baby. These also are equally DH's responsibility.

I am tired of men who steal the labor of women and without recompense and expect that their time is fully their own, even when they have brought other people into the world.

Preach! Why on earth would the baby be only the mother’s responsibility? What is wrong with you PP? I hope you don’t have children because this isn’t the goddamn 1950s

No one is saying this. Did you not see how her husband is taking over while she cooks and during the mornings? What is it that OP wants?!? She wants her husband to enthusiastically take the baby the minute he gets home and give her the entire night off? Most people don’t want to work all day and then solely care for a child.

Unfortunately the main role of the mother is to feed the baby if she is breastfeeding. The husband can’t do this.

I strongly disagree that the SAHM job ends at 6-7 PM when the spouse gets home. As a SAHM your job is to make his or her ability to work as easy as possible. You have a sole breadwinner and should not be dumping chores and kids on your spouse when they get home. If you don’t want to care for a child all day then go back to work and you’ll enjoy the same arrangement as your spouse. Then you can share evening responsibilities since you both work and supper each other’s careers.

NP. So OP's day never ends? Lol. Her husband gets to come from work at 6/7 and relax but OP keeps on working. When both parents are at home, parenting duties should be split evenly.

Nope. OP has breaks during the day when her baby naps. A newborn should be napping for a considerable amount of time. Her husband can’t take naps or TV breaks during the day or use the time to run errands / do chores. Should OP’s husband take care of some housework and help out at night? Yes. But should be viewed as a 50-50 parent? No. OP’s job is to take care of the baby and this is why she isn’t going to work.

Wrong.

Two parents home is All Hands On Deck, esp with kids under age 6.
Doesn’t matter if one or both work or stay at home.

It’s called raising a child and parenting. It takes all 18 years and then some more.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Well hallelujah, my husband held the baby yesterday while eating his saltines and cheese so I could move on to other tasks like laundry or cooking.

Also, “sleep when the baby sleeps” is BS. I’m lucky if baby wants to sleep anywhere but my chest. He will have one good nap in the morning on our walk but after that he wants to be held all. the. time. He’s not colicky, he’s a baby who just constantly craves touch. It’s hard to get a decent shower or anything done in a reasonable amount of time and yes I’ve tried baby wearing and sometimes it just makes him fuss or cry more.

And yes, I would love it if my DH could contribute to the cooking or laundry and I’m going to just ask politely from now on since apparently that’s what I need to do to get him to contribute to the household. I cook probably 6 meals out of the week. I don’t know, maybe the secret to having a contributing partner is to train him like a dolphin with positive reinforcement.

He is in for a rude awakening when I return from work. I work later than he does so he will need to relieve the nanny and I’m not sure how that will affect his 1 hour time in his man cave (aka, the bathroom), when he finds out that it’s going to cost us overtime wages for the nanny.

At the end of the day I’m just touched out and stressed at the piling laundry or dishwasher that needs to be unloaded. And yes, I have started 20mg Prozac so hopefully that helps with the irritability.

[Anonymous]

Good luck OP, thanks for the feedback. I hope he steps up.

If it helps, instead of asking for help, I present it as a divide and conquer. "Would you like to give the baby a bath, or clean the kitchen? Then we can sit down with a glass of wine after."

[Anonymous]

Just because your baby wants to be held all the time doesn't mean you have to. He NEEDS to be put down sometimes. It is important for him developing muscles and motor skills and learning to self soothe. That doesn't mean let him scream all day ignored in a swing, but Yes you can put him in a his crib or bouncer and take a shower or fold a load of clothes. He will be fine. I get it- it is like nails on a chalkboard to hear your baby cry, but holding him 24/7 is not good for either of you. And there are plenty of babies who scream even when held- so at least you have that respite. Glad DH is doing more but by the time you go back to work things should have improved. They start to enjoy kicking in their bouncer or those FP rainforest contractions, and play gyms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just because your baby wants to be held all the time doesn't mean you have to. He NEEDS to be put down sometimes. It is important for him developing muscles and motor skills and learning to self soothe. That doesn't mean let him scream all day ignored in a swing, but Yes you can put him in a his crib or bouncer and take a shower or fold a load of clothes. He will be fine. I get it- it is like nails on a chalkboard to hear your baby cry, but holding him 24/7 is not good for either of you. And there are plenty of babies who scream even when held- so at least you have that respite. Glad DH is doing more but by the time you go back to work things should have improved. They start to enjoy kicking in their bouncer or those FP rainforest contractions, and play gyms.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Well hallelujah, my husband held the baby yesterday while eating his saltines and cheese so I could move on to other tasks like laundry or cooking.

Also, “sleep when the baby sleeps” is BS. I’m lucky if baby wants to sleep anywhere but my chest. He will have one good nap in the morning on our walk but after that he wants to be held all. the. time. He’s not colicky, he’s a baby who just constantly craves touch. It’s hard to get a decent shower or anything done in a reasonable amount of time and yes I’ve tried baby wearing and sometimes it just makes him fuss or cry more.

And yes, I would love it if my DH could contribute to the cooking or laundry and I’m going to just ask politely from now on since apparently that’s what I need to do to get him to contribute to the household. I cook probably 6 meals out of the week. I don’t know, maybe the secret to having a contributing partner is to train him like a dolphin with positive reinforcement.

He is in for a rude awakening when I return from work. I work later than he does so he will need to relieve the nanny and I’m not sure how that will affect his 1 hour time in his man cave (aka, the bathroom), when he finds out that it’s going to cost us overtime wages for the nanny.

At the end of the day I’m just touched out and stressed at the piling laundry or dishwasher that needs to be unloaded. And yes, I have started 20mg Prozac so hopefully that helps with the irritability.

Stop going on a walk at this time. Put your baby down for a nap and use the time for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Well hallelujah, my husband held the baby yesterday while eating his saltines and cheese so I could move on to other tasks like laundry or cooking.

Also, “sleep when the baby sleeps” is BS. I’m lucky if baby wants to sleep anywhere but my chest. He will have one good nap in the morning on our walk but after that he wants to be held all. the. time. He’s not colicky, he’s a baby who just constantly craves touch. It’s hard to get a decent shower or anything done in a reasonable amount of time and yes I’ve tried baby wearing and sometimes it just makes him fuss or cry more.

And yes, I would love it if my DH could contribute to the cooking or laundry and I’m going to just ask politely from now on since apparently that’s what I need to do to get him to contribute to the household. I cook probably 6 meals out of the week. I don’t know, maybe the secret to having a contributing partner is to train him like a dolphin with positive reinforcement.

He is in for a rude awakening when I return from work. I work later than he does so he will need to relieve the nanny and I’m not sure how that will affect his 1 hour time in his man cave (aka, the bathroom), when he finds out that it’s going to cost us overtime wages for the nanny.

At the end of the day I’m just touched out and stressed at the piling laundry or dishwasher that needs to be unloaded. And yes, I have started 20mg Prozac so hopefully that helps with the irritability.

Why would he cook when you will? You have to train most men.

Stop buying groceries and cooking. It might take a while but he will eventually get involved and realize you’re not solely in charge of dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Well hallelujah, my husband held the baby yesterday while eating his saltines and cheese so I could move on to other tasks like laundry or cooking.

Also, “sleep when the baby sleeps” is BS. I’m lucky if baby wants to sleep anywhere but my chest. He will have one good nap in the morning on our walk but after that he wants to be held all. the. time. He’s not colicky, he’s a baby who just constantly craves touch. It’s hard to get a decent shower or anything done in a reasonable amount of time and yes I’ve tried baby wearing and sometimes it just makes him fuss or cry more.

And yes, I would love it if my DH could contribute to the cooking or laundry and I’m going to just ask politely from now on since apparently that’s what I need to do to get him to contribute to the household. I cook probably 6 meals out of the week. I don’t know, maybe the secret to having a contributing partner is to train him like a dolphin with positive reinforcement.

He is in for a rude awakening when I return from work. I work later than he does so he will need to relieve the nanny and I’m not sure how that will affect his 1 hour time in his man cave (aka, the bathroom), when he finds out that it’s going to cost us overtime wages for the nanny.

At the end of the day I’m just touched out and stressed at the piling laundry or dishwasher that needs to be unloaded. And yes, I have started 20mg Prozac so hopefully that helps with the irritability.

LOL. Hang in there OP. Your 2nd post almost made me check the date, because I could have written this verbatim, right down to gobbling cheese and crackers. Mine ate them by the pack. An entire pack of cheese, an entire pack of saltines, and a knife. Literally.

Anyway, yes positive reinforcement works, but don't build resentment and attack with your wit. It's more for your benefit than his - not worth getting frustrated on overpaying a nanny. Seriously. Be thankful you have a nanny and its not worrying about who will pick up the DC in the pouring rain when the metro is impacting your stroller commute and the school is closing early. And you barely have gas money and have a low flat tire.

8 weeks is really, really, REALLY hard. You're mesmerized by the beautiful welcome of life, and also the reality of whatever state your life is, slaps you HARD in the face. Just be assured that more than likely, hormones and postpartum symptoms are a major contribution to some of the stress, as it is not easy to spend nearly 2 years without control of your body as you grow a life, then adjust to its removal. I'm glad you're getting Rx to help. 25mg of Zoloft changed my life for the better. Hugs.

DH will learn over time. Or not. But you have to make a decision as a mother to protect your wellbeing, and subsequently your child's, by not getting spun up in a way that harms your health, rest, sleep, emotions, whatever - you have to still do what you have to do. And it should be what you want to do, with joy! You want to be present in life, and not stress, and laugh, etc. You're responsible for that, not the action of another person. It is all in your attitude.

Ask me how I know?

[Anonymous]

Instead of telling him what to do let him figure it out and do it his way.

[Anonymous]

I have not read the responses or any follow up posts. However, I wanted to say that the lack of interest is somewhat normal- my DH definitely was not interested in our babies when they were that age. I think this is common- babies that age are pretty boring! My DH turned out to be a very involved father- but he was more engaged once they hit around a year old. All 3 of mine are in elementary school now and I think he spends more time with them than I do!

My advice: ask NICE-ly and show appreciation when he helps. Is this fair? NO! Should you have to do this (he is a parent too)- NO! But, you catch more flies with honey and do not need marital stress right now.

If you need real help, I’d ask family or hire a qualified sitter as needed. It will be money well spent! I did not have family around so used a sitter from a young-ish age and it was totally fine! Also don’t worry about cleaning, cooking etc as much (if you are). Takeout and sandwiches won’t kill you, and if he wants something better he can arrange it for himself.

I’d expect little from Dh at this stage- keep expectations low and seek support elsewhere. Stinks and is unfair but is unfortunately typical.

If he is still like this by the time kiddo is a toddler then you have a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH was fully helping with a newborn. I did nursing but he did every diaper when he was home. He gave the baby. Titles at 3am while I pumped to get my supply up. He did that very last night feeding at 4am when kid was 8 months old. As soon as he walked in the door after work he was on. We were a team. It never occurred to me that he wouldn’t be that way and god knows if pulled the shit your DH is pulling he wouldn’t have gotten away with it. Not for more than an hour!!

I can’t imagine asking my spouse to be up multiple times at night when he’s also working all day. What you describe sounds like how you should divide the work when you return to work.

I wrote that but nursing was a nightmare. And required me to nurse, pump and give bottles at pretty much every feeding. Around the clock in the early weeks. So yeah, the lactation consultant made sure to include my DH on these instructions and he got on board real quick. This baby phase is brutal but short so it’s all hands on deck if needed. And I went back to work after 4 months and he still got up did that last feeding. He didn’t like it but he didn’t complain either.

[Anonymous]

Is there some sort of cultural issue you’re leaving out, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, just wait until you have a second or third child. You will be thinking how easy you had it when you were home and it was just one newborn to care for.

Medical issues aside (which doesn't sound like her baby has any or she would have mentioned it), even high maintenance infants are not THAT hard. Sure you are lonely and sleep deprived, but I can think of a lot of jobs that are much harder. You do realize women have been caring for infants since the dawn of time as well as several other children too. It should be such a deal you can't cope with the support he is giving as well (which is not nothing) and if it is, this is something to address with your dr.

Don't have any more babies until the man-child dad steps up.

Yes don't have any more kids.

But you wont do that. You'll have three more and cry about how hard it is.

Sou vs like you both have different expectations about caring for a baby. Sit down and talk about it.

[Anonymous]

Pp- you already posted that a few times. Get a new line.