My husband just doesn’t get it. Barely engages with 8 week old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not understanding what you want from him. I have three kids. Newborns sleep a large portion of the day. You should have a chance during the day jump in the shower. Are you not putting the baby down all day? If that is the case, then yes you are creating a problem. He shouldn’t need to hold the baby the second he walks in the door (unless he wants to). Put the baby in a low reclining bouncer (Bjorne makes a great one that an 8 wk old can go in) or bassinet while you cook. If you are in the middle of something, then ask him to pick him up.

I would never expect my husband to get up with the baby at night. He has a job that would be extremely dangerous to him and others if he is tired, plus he doesn’t get to nap if he needs to. You can nap when the baby naps. Unless you are working full time and formula feeding, it make no sense for him to wake up at night too.

All newborns do is eat, sleep, and want to snuggle their mom. What do want him to do to “engage” besides occasional holding and diaper changing? If you are struggling have him help in other ways like cooking and cleaning. But newborns and moms are meant to be together and expecting a dad is going to 50% of newborn care just isn’t realistic. Sure dads are capable in in some circumstances need to and can provide full great care for a newborn, but the most natural thing and what a newborn wants is its mother.

“All newborns do is eat, sleep, and want to snuggle their mom”- Holy crap what sanctimonious BS. Ummmmmm you forgot CRY. Some babies are inconsolable from birth- one of mine cried from the get go. They wouldn’t even let him spend the night in the hospital nursery because he was disturbing the other babies. EAT- some babies want to nurse constantly and mom never gets a break,24-7. SLEEP- some babies only sleep when they’re on the boob, or being held, and will immediately wake up when put down. And then they’ll CRY. You sound like you had three easy babies, PP- I had the three above. Have some compassion and welcome to the year 2019 where dads are expected to do their fair share. Good luck, OP- sorry you’re having to do so much solo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. He’s just a typical dad. You didn’t REALLY think he was going to take care of an 8 week old baby like you would did you? Give him time he could turn into a great dad in a few years. Sorry.

No he isn’t a typical dad. You are a pushover. There are many really great dads from day one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not understanding what you want from him. I have three kids. Newborns sleep a large portion of the day. You should have a chance during the day jump in the shower. Are you not putting the baby down all day? If that is the case, then yes you are creating a problem. He shouldn’t need to hold the baby the second he walks in the door (unless he wants to). Put the baby in a low reclining bouncer (Bjorne makes a great one that an 8 wk old can go in) or bassinet while you cook. If you are in the middle of something, then ask him to pick him up.

I would never expect my husband to get up with the baby at night. He has a job that would be extremely dangerous to him and others if he is tired, plus he doesn’t get to nap if he needs to. You can nap when the baby naps. Unless you are working full time and formula feeding, it make no sense for him to wake up at night too.

All newborns do is eat, sleep, and want to snuggle their mom. What do want him to do to “engage” besides occasional holding and diaper changing? If you are struggling have him help in other ways like cooking and cleaning. But newborns and moms are meant to be together and expecting a dad is going to 50% of newborn care just isn’t realistic. Sure dads are capable in in some circumstances need to and can provide full great care for a newborn, but the most natural thing and what a newborn wants is its mother.

“All newborns do is eat, sleep, and want to snuggle their mom”- Holy crap what sanctimonious BS. Ummmmmm you forgot CRY. Some babies are inconsolable from birth- one of mine cried from the get go. They wouldn’t even let him spend the night in the hospital nursery because he was disturbing the other babies. EAT- some babies want to nurse constantly and mom never gets a break,24-7. SLEEP- some babies only sleep when they’re on the boob, or being held, and will immediately wake up when put down. And then they’ll CRY. You sound like you had three easy babies, PP- I had the three above. Have some compassion and welcome to the year 2019 where dads are expected to do their fair share. Good luck, OP- sorry you’re having to do so much solo.

Actually 2/3 of mine had colic for 4 months and cried all the time. And guess what, they cried when I held them, when DH held them, and pretty much any other time they weren’t eating or sleeping. That doesn’t mean you can’t set them in bouncer for 10 min and take a shower. Besides, if OP had a colicy baby it would have been the first thing she mentioned. It sounds like her baby just wants to be held all the time and not out down. And she is pissed off DH won’t hold him all the time too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not understanding what you want from him. I have three kids. Newborns sleep a large portion of the day. You should have a chance during the day jump in the shower. Are you not putting the baby down all day? If that is the case, then yes you are creating a problem. He shouldn’t need to hold the baby the second he walks in the door (unless he wants to). Put the baby in a low reclining bouncer (Bjorne makes a great one that an 8 wk old can go in) or bassinet while you cook. If you are in the middle of something, then ask him to pick him up.

I would never expect my husband to get up with the baby at night. He has a job that would be extremely dangerous to him and others if he is tired, plus he doesn’t get to nap if he needs to. You can nap when the baby naps. Unless you are working full time and formula feeding, it make no sense for him to wake up at night too.

All newborns do is eat, sleep, and want to snuggle their mom. What do want him to do to “engage” besides occasional holding and diaper changing? If you are struggling have him help in other ways like cooking and cleaning. But newborns and moms are meant to be together and expecting a dad is going to 50% of newborn care just isn’t realistic. Sure dads are capable in in some circumstances need to and can provide full great care for a newborn, but the most natural thing and what a newborn wants is its mother.

“All newborns do is eat, sleep, and want to snuggle their mom”- Holy crap what sanctimonious BS. Ummmmmm you forgot CRY. Some babies are inconsolable from birth- one of mine cried from the get go. They wouldn’t even let him spend the night in the hospital nursery because he was disturbing the other babies. EAT- some babies want to nurse constantly and mom never gets a break,24-7. SLEEP- some babies only sleep when they’re on the boob, or being held, and will immediately wake up when put down. And then they’ll CRY. You sound like you had three easy babies, PP- I had the three above. Have some compassion and welcome to the year 2019 where dads are expected to do their fair share. Good luck, OP- sorry you’re having to do so much solo.

+1
The PP sounds so clueless that I wonder if she actually has any kids.

[Anonymous]

You husband is a dick...but, I’m guessing he was this way before you decided to have a kid. He’s not going to change—kids make problems worse. Don’t have any more kids.

Focus on your kid, don’t expect help from the dick, and don’t rub the dick’s back.

Once you’re back to work to work and in a good routine, evaluate whether you’re better off staying with the dick or divorce him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You husband is a dick...but, I’m guessing he was this way before you decided to have a kid. He’s not going to change—kids make problems worse. Don’t have any more kids.

Focus on your kid, don’t expect help from the dick, and don’t rub the dick’s back.

Once you’re back to work to work and in a good routine, evaluate whether you’re better off staying with the dick or divorce him.

100% this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It will change when you return to work.

No it won’t. He is lazy and entitled. He ignores his spouse, he ignores his baby. And he will continue to do so since it is in his entitled self interest. I bet his father was the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask him, not tell him to do things. Not "the baby's diaper needs changing" but "can you change the baby's diaper please?" That's just common courtesy. Think about how you'd talk to a coworker, and afford your DH at least that level of courtesy.

Men have difficulty bonding with babies when they're really young (I know I did) as they don't "do" much and they need to be around mom for eating anyway. I didn't do night diaper changes either -- we agreed if DW is up anyway to feed baby, no need for me to wake up also. What we did do is that I did baby bath time, alone, almost every night.

Most men I know get a lot more involved with their kids once they can do things back (like at 9-12 months). 8 weeks is still really young.

Then next week, flip flop roles. Do not do anything in the house or for the baby until he politely asks you each and every time.

[Anonymous]

You really do have to let him fail. If he doesn’t like the instruction “he needs a diaper change” then maybe try it as a question “maybe he needs a diaper change anyway I’m getting in the shower.”

My DH is a true 50/50 partner but I don’t personally think it came as naturally to him as it did to me. And he didn’t want to get directions from me either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Such a mixed bag of a post here!

1) I see his point on wanting to be spoken to with some courtesy. It takes very little effort to go from, "here's the baby change him," to "hey I need a break can you change Henry?"

2) He seems generally pretty dismissive of how you're experiencing this major life shift and you should definitely tackle that before a lifetime of lowered expectations set in

3) Half a sleeve of saltines and cheese is up there with lightly fried tuna in amazing DCUM-isms

4) You sound really overstressed and should consider or at least look into whether you are having some PPD. And this isn't an attack on you, just that if you have PPD a lot of things can feel SO MUCH worse. If your husband is reacting to you having a sharp and demanding tone a lot, its possible you are snapping and depressed and not even realizing it. Like I said, this isn't meant to be critical AT ALL, just something to be aware of, as every mom 8 weeks PP should be!

5) It shouldn't get him out of diaper changes or basic parenting responsibilities but guys really do seem to have trouble with little little babies. My DH has always had his bonding with the kids blossom around 9 months or so when they start to get super active and interesting. That doesn't mean he didn't do any feedings or diaper changes though!

THe point with having to ask him nicely is that it suggests that he is doing her a favor by babysitting his own child. He isn't doing her a favor, because it is his child too. She shouldn't have to ask at all. He should volunteer.
8 weeks is not too little for you to simply leave the house for an hour or two on a Saturday. Let him deal with the child on his own, and the sooner the better. This is why men get paternity leave in Scandinavia. When she returns home, she should NOT thank him for babysitting, or tell him he did a great job. She also should make sure she leaves some pumped milk, but shoudl not otherwise organize his afternoon, the baby's clothes, activities, etc. It needs to be on him.

This this this. The women I know with husbands like yours never leave their kids with the dad. You have to train these types from a very early age.

[Anonymous]

I had sick premature twins with colic. OMG that was exhausting. Haha sleep all day haha. Noooooo

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not understanding what you want from him. I have three kids. Newborns sleep a large portion of the day. You should have a chance during the day jump in the shower. Are you not putting the baby down all day? If that is the case, then yes you are creating a problem. He shouldn’t need to hold the baby the second he walks in the door (unless he wants to). Put the baby in a low reclining bouncer (Bjorne makes a great one that an 8 wk old can go in) or bassinet while you cook. If you are in the middle of something, then ask him to pick him up.

I would never expect my husband to get up with the baby at night. He has a job that would be extremely dangerous to him and others if he is tired, plus he doesn’t get to nap if he needs to. You can nap when the baby naps. Unless you are working full time and formula feeding, it make no sense for him to wake up at night too.

All newborns do is eat, sleep, and want to snuggle their mom. What do want him to do to “engage” besides occasional holding and diaper changing? If you are struggling have him help in other ways like cooking and cleaning. But newborns and moms are meant to be together and expecting a dad is going to 50% of newborn care just isn’t realistic. Sure dads are capable in in some circumstances need to and can provide full great care for a newborn, but the most natural thing and what a newborn wants is its mother.

“All newborns do is eat, sleep, and want to snuggle their mom”- Holy crap what sanctimonious BS. Ummmmmm you forgot CRY. Some babies are inconsolable from birth- one of mine cried from the get go. They wouldn’t even let him spend the night in the hospital nursery because he was disturbing the other babies. EAT- some babies want to nurse constantly and mom never gets a break,24-7. SLEEP- some babies only sleep when they’re on the boob, or being held, and will immediately wake up when put down. And then they’ll CRY. You sound like you had three easy babies, PP- I had the three above. Have some compassion and welcome to the year 2019 where dads are expected to do their fair share. Good luck, OP- sorry you’re having to do so much solo.

+1
The PP sounds so clueless that I wonder if she actually has any kids.

I actually disagree. If OP has a baby who insists on being held 24-7, then buy a carrier. If OP can’t get any sleep then she needs to divide up hours. For example, she sleeps while husband has the baby from 7 PM - midnight. As long as OP is up and with the baby I’m not sure what she expects her husband to do. I don’t even know how you engage an 8 week old.

Besides that, OP needs to make plans out of the house (hair appointment, manicure) and not leave any instructions. Simply let him know you’ll be leaving at what time and how long you’ll be gone. Leave pumped milk.

[Anonymous]

Your husband sounds unhelpful and selfish. But frankly, neither DH nor I enjoyed DS much when he was a little baby. He was colicky, and didn't do much except cry. We would arrange it so that we each got 45 minutes to go to the gym on the weekend and get away.

It got better slowly but surely. DS just turned 10 and doesn't want to hang out with DH or I nearly as much as we do him. The tables have turned.

[Anonymous]

Ok so concede on this knowing the end goal is to get a break. Ask instead of telling him. More importantly, explain that while the baby "appears" to be inactive and sleeping, he needs to bond with his dad. Explain that even when he's sleeping, he can smell dad's sleeve of saltines and cheese, he can hear his voice and feel his heartbeat.

Have a back up of research links in an imessage draft ready to send to his phone if he's on it while holding his son. https://www.dad.info/article/how-dads-affect-newborn-babies

Congrats too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. He’s just a typical dad. You didn’t REALLY think he was going to take care of an 8 week old baby like you would did you? Give him time he could turn into a great dad in a few years. Sorry.

No he isn’t a typical dad. You are a pushover. There are many really great dads from day one.

EXACTLY.


ladies this crap isn’t normal. Don’t fool
Yourselves.