Reply to My husband just doesn’t get it. Barely engages with 8 week old.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My husband doesn’t like to be told what the baby needs and feels I should ask for his help.

For example, after I feed the baby he wants me to ask him first before passing him to him. He doesn’t like that I say “he needs to be burped then changed” and would rather I ask him to do it. As if it’s domehow optional for him to engage in our child’s care rather than taking the initiative to share the load. Which he doesn’t.

To put in in perspective my husband doesn’t get up in the night to change diapers. When he gets home from work he spends 45 minutes in the bathroom pooping and showering. Then he has to eat half a sleeve of saltines and cheese before he’s “ready” to hold the baby. He sits on the couch with his phone in one hand and the remote in another, barely engaging with the baby while the TV is on. Then I start dinner of finish any chores that need to be done. If I’m lucky, my husband will take his plate to the kitchen and start cleaning up or offer to bathe the baby. I do all the night time care and put the baby to sleep while my husband gets a solid 6-8 hours of sleep.

The weekends are my only reprieve. My husband doesn’t like that I tell him what the baby needs. I don’t have the option to cop out of diaper changes or feedings, it’s all on me during the week. My husband feels I’m trying to “pass the baby off” to him - which is exactly what I’m trying to do! I need 30 minutes to shower or paint my nails or anything.

When I try to bring this up to him all he says is “wow” and disengages, returns to his phone, or argues that I spend too much time on my phone or that I should just be doing the diaper changes when the baby needs it because that’s what “he would do” - but he doesn’t. He doesn’t take initiative which is why I tell him. He just. doesn’t. get. it.

I feel like I’m drowning. My husband has spent maybe 6 hours straight with our son once in 8 weeks and I do 95% of the work. My husband will sometimes take the baby on weekday mornings from 6-8 so I can get some extra sleep but that’s about the extent of it.

He had a backache this weekend and in between changing and feeding the baby I had to bring him painkillers, rub his back, bring the baby to him while he laid on the couch. It’s not that I’m unsympathetic, but I’ve had to solo parent with migraines and the flu without any reprieve from him.

How can I get him to engage more? I can’t keep this dynamic up. [/quote]

I almost don’t know how to respond because there are so many things going on here.

Sounds like your husband doesn’t like babies.  I don’t and this was how I felt as a new mom.  I resented having to hold him, the crying, etc.  But I took care of my baby because I had to do so.

I personally wouldn’t put up with this behavior.  I would tell him I need to go to the grocery store when he got home and hand him the baby and leave.  Or put it in a carrier while it screamed.  I would NEVER have rubbed his back unless I was held at gunpoint and forced to do so.  The fact you even rubbed his back shows me that his behavior is partially your fault.  You’re enabling him.

If you only have one child and are on leave you should be able to get 6-8 hours of sleep.  Or simply have him take the baby from 7-midnight while you sleep and then try and get another hour or two in the afternoon.

On the other hand I also don’t understand what you expect.  He is going to work so you’re up at night with the baby.  You make dinner while he watches the baby.  He usually cleans up while I assume you have the baby.  
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