My husband just doesn’t get it. Barely engages with 8 week old.
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Anonymous
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My husband doesn’t like to be told what the baby needs and feels I should ask for his help.
For example, after I feed the baby he wants me to ask him first before passing him to him. He doesn’t like that I say “he needs to be burped then changed” and would rather I ask him to do it. As if it’s domehow optional for him to engage in our child’s care rather than taking the initiative to share the load. Which he doesn’t. To put in in perspective my husband doesn’t get up in the night to change diapers. When he gets home from work he spends 45 minutes in the bathroom pooping and showering. Then he has to eat half a sleeve of saltines and cheese before he’s “ready” to hold the baby. He sits on the couch with his phone in one hand and the remote in another, barely engaging with the baby while the TV is on. Then I start dinner of finish any chores that need to be done. If I’m lucky, my husband will take his plate to the kitchen and start cleaning up or offer to bathe the baby. I do all the night time care and put the baby to sleep while my husband gets a solid 6-8 hours of sleep. The weekends are my only reprieve. My husband doesn’t like that I tell him what the baby needs. I don’t have the option to cop out of diaper changes or feedings, it’s all on me during the week. My husband feels I’m trying to “pass the baby off” to him - which is exactly what I’m trying to do! I need 30 minutes to shower or paint my nails or anything. When I try to bring this up to him all he says is “wow” and disengages, returns to his phone, or argues that I spend too much time on my phone or that I should just be doing the diaper changes when the baby needs it because that’s what “he would do” - but he doesn’t. He doesn’t take initiative which is why I tell him. He just. doesn’t. get. it. I feel like I’m drowning. My husband has spent maybe 6 hours straight with our son once in 8 weeks and I do 95% of the work. My husband will sometimes take the baby on weekday mornings from 6-8 so I can get some extra sleep but that’s about the extent of it. He had a backache this weekend and in between changing and feeding the baby I had to bring him painkillers, rub his back, bring the baby to him while he laid on the couch. It’s not that I’m unsympathetic, but I’ve had to solo parent with migraines and the flu without any reprieve from him. How can I get him to engage more? I can’t keep this dynamic up. |
Anonymous
| It will change when you return to work. |
Anonymous
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Ask him, not tell him to do things. Not "the baby's diaper needs changing" but "can you change the baby's diaper please?" That's just common courtesy. Think about how you'd talk to a coworker, and afford your DH at least that level of courtesy.
Men have difficulty bonding with babies when they're really young (I know I did) as they don't "do" much and they need to be around mom for eating anyway. I didn't do night diaper changes either -- we agreed if DW is up anyway to feed baby, no need for me to wake up also. What we did do is that I did baby bath time, alone, almost every night. Most men I know get a lot more involved with their kids once they can do things back (like at 9-12 months). 8 weeks is still really young. |
Anonymous
Oh for Pete’s sake. You’re singing OP for supposedly failing to show “common courtesy”? She said he doesn’t like it when she tells him what to do, so it sounds like she’s communicating passively to try to placate him. |
Anonymous
| He sounds like an ass. Was he always like this? If so, did you actually think he would get better, instead of worse, when obligated with an infant entirely dependent on others? If he was not like this before, and he was engaged in your life, doing chores, sharing household management, then maybe PP is right and he’ll pick up when the baby is more responsive. But it’s not looking good. |
Anonymous
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I'm sorry OP, that sounds terrible. This is 100% his problem, not yours. You're still in your 4th trimester you should be getting support not watching some dick sit on the couch and check out of his responsibilities.
My DH has been obsessed with our daughter since birth (he actually accused me of "hogging the baby" in the recovery room) but I have no idea what I would do if he had reacted like yours, especially with how hormonal I was at that point. You deserve better. |
Anonymous
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Unless you talked about this and previously arranged how the responsibilities would be divided, it is assumed mothers are responsible for a much larger chuck of care for newborn babies. I’m presuming you are off work on maternity leave, he isn’t. The baby is you job right now.
Does your baby not nap and can’t be put down? Is he colicy? You are making it sound like someone needs to be holding him 24/7. I had two babies like this, so i don’t ask this in a snarky way and it is a phase that passes. Put the baby in a swing, wear him in an ergo, put him on a sheepskin rug..those things should free up your arms so you can get some things done. If you are borderline nervous breakdown, talk to him and explain what help you need to not go crazy. Encourage DH to wear the baby in a carrier and go for walks with him. |
Anonymous
| Well it would be all on you if you left him so what's the difference? |
Anonymous
Oh shut up. Even if she's on leave it's only 100% her responsibility while he's at work, and he's not helping when he gets home. "Put it in a swing" doesn't make up for dad changing no diapers. It doesn't make up for mom never getting a break -- you can't walk away from a newborn in a swing. DH is the problem here, not OP. |
Anonymous
Sure, he is working and she is on maternity leave. However, that does not absolve him of all responsibility in caring for his child. Beyond that, he should WANT to care for HIS CHILD. I agree that OP should talk with her husband and explain that she needs him to actually parent. Do not frame it as "helping" though. He is not "helping" her by taking care of his own kid. |
Anonymous
| Wow. He’s just a typical dad. You didn’t REALLY think he was going to take care of an 8 week old baby like you would did you? Give him time he could turn into a great dad in a few years. Sorry. |
Anonymous
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Such a mixed bag of a post here!
1) I see his point on wanting to be spoken to with some courtesy. It takes very little effort to go from, "here's the baby change him," to "hey I need a break can you change Henry?" 2) He seems generally pretty dismissive of how you're experiencing this major life shift and you should definitely tackle that before a lifetime of lowered expectations set in 3) Half a sleeve of saltines and cheese is up there with lightly fried tuna in amazing DCUM-isms 4) You sound really overstressed and should consider or at least look into whether you are having some PPD. And this isn't an attack on you, just that if you have PPD a lot of things can feel SO MUCH worse. If your husband is reacting to you having a sharp and demanding tone a lot, its possible you are snapping and depressed and not even realizing it. Like I said, this isn't meant to be critical AT ALL, just something to be aware of, as every mom 8 weeks PP should be! 5) It shouldn't get him out of diaper changes or basic parenting responsibilities but guys really do seem to have trouble with little little babies. My DH has always had his bonding with the kids blossom around 9 months or so when they start to get super active and interesting. That doesn't mean he didn't do any feedings or diaper changes though! |
Anonymous
| Why did you have a child with this guy? |
Anonymous
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Dad is on baby duty in the evening. Don't worry too much about what he does while tending to the baby (newborns ARE boring) but that's when you get to shower, wash your hair and take a break. This should be non-negotiable, and since he didn't come up with it himself, you will have to tell him this is how it is. If he complains, you explain that you find the baby just as boring as he does, but CPS will come and get you both if you fail to keep the child alive because it's not fun.
He will eventually figure out baby is poopy, stinky, and gassy and work it out. |
Anonymous
| Is your DH more of a saltine sleeve half-full or half-empty kind of guy? |