Reply to s/o Why so much delusion by parents of adult kids around "big happy family get togethers"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]New poster here. I am that mother/grandmother/mother in  law who wishes a family get together would would work. I have accepted that it does not work. We used to pay for family vacations for three married children, spouses, and grandchildren. Everyone had separate condos in a lovely resort, plane tickets for all, all meals paid for and activities.  When they all came to our home for holidays, we gave  them an amazing time. 
We just got sick and tired of adult siblings complaining to us about each other doing something minor or complaining about a niece or nephew. There are several grandchildren.
We just stopped doing vacations. No big discussion, we just did not offer any more. As fas holidays, we are always home for those times. If anyone wants to come, please do! No invites extended. If one sibling and family wants to stay home this year, it is fine.  If another sibling and family wants to come, fine with us.  We buy same amount of presents for everyone and mail those to ones who do not come so they can have them at their home.
I tried so hard to make it work. We never interfere!   I felt so sad that siblings just did not really enjoy each other. I had a knot in my stomach the whole vacation because I could feel their tension with each other for whatever reason. 
 Amen!  I let siblings manage their own relationships. Do I feel sad that they are not closer? Yes, I do, quite sad. We are close to all children and grandchildren. Talk to all adult children daily or weekly, visit separately.  It works so much better than big family vacations. No big fight or discussion, just the realization that it was not fun for all. It is what it is!  I am sure when they are my age, they will understand why i wanted it to be a wonderful experience for all. [/quote]

Kudos to you for trying, but even bigger kudos to you for realizing is wasn’t working, and adjusting. You now are close to all of your kids and grandkids, have great visits with them separately, versus “I had a knot in my stomach the whole vacation.”[/quote]

I too, come from a family that made the effort and was truly always there for each other - not just when someone wanted something, or when the grandparents felt like it (what a shitty attitude).  We spent time together regularly, and it made all the difference.  Our grandparents had tons of grandkids, yet carved out time almost every week for each of them.  That is special time - not cramming as many people as possible into a big, stinky rental that no one wants to be at. Who wants to spend their precious vacation time 6+ hours away, with someone who lives down the street but barely bothers?

It is obvious when the grandkids come first, and when the grandparents come first. It also matters how you treat the ones who married in- (example) if you jump for the men who married in, but try to treat the women who married in like crap - no one is buying into your misogynistic week from hell. Your attitude and entitlement sucks, and your renting a "beach house" is no vacation -- it becomes a selfish act from you, not a selfless act, in any way. I can't see inviting people then acting like a a-hole, frankly.

Ha! No matter how many details I give, MIL would never see herself in it.  LOL. [/quote]

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