Husbands and parenting...why is this so hard??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

You’re all totally right in that I probably have neglected my marriage somewhat. However, I guess I get frustrated when he can’t seem to take a longer term view of things, like how the physically demanding and exhausting aspect of parenting will get better in a few years. Thank you to the PP who implied as much! I’m hoping that the more interactive the girls get, the more he enjoys spending time with them. He’s not very silly or playful so I feel like he doesn’t know what to do half the time and doesn’t enjoy the way they want to play.

To the PP who asked about his level of engagement with our first: he was actually great! Granted, I got pregnant again when our first was only 5 months old but there was not this underlying discontentment with his life then like there is now. (And he was totally in agreement to have another, btw! Our first was, and still is, a fantastic sleeper in case you were wondering. Ha.)
He also has a lot going on at work and feels undervalued there, which probably affects his overall mood and disposition. He just used to be the happiest, most steady and patient guy, and now I feel like I’m walking on eggshells when we are all together so he will enjoy himself!

Don’t have any more children for awhile. Mine were three years apart and it was great. I don’t how you both thought you’d handle a new baby with a 1 year old. That’s horrible planning on your part, and now your house is stressful. Nothing to do but stick it out. Don’t have anymore children for at least 3-4 years.

I mean, IMO, I actually love having two kids this close in age and, although exhausting, would do it again! It’s my DH who is struggling (with himself, his career, and his role as a dad) and in turn, making things harder than they actually are. Of course, I’d never say that to him, and I try to encourage and support him but my ability to do that is limited by time, energy, resources, and ultimately, his own willingness to accept that this is kind of just how life is right now.

You are being oddly dismissive of whatever’s going on with him at work right now. Are you actually partners in the sense that you care about and support each other, or is just about what he does to fulfill your fantasy of the idyllic family?

[Anonymous]

It's a biological fact that women are much better with kids 0-6 and especially when they are smallest

men are generally better with kids 6 and older

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

You’re all totally right in that I probably have neglected my marriage somewhat. However, I guess I get frustrated when he can’t seem to take a longer term view of things, like how the physically demanding and exhausting aspect of parenting will get better in a few years. Thank you to the PP who implied as much! I’m hoping that the more interactive the girls get, the more he enjoys spending time with them. He’s not very silly or playful so I feel like he doesn’t know what to do half the time and doesn’t enjoy the way they want to play.

To the PP who asked about his level of engagement with our first: he was actually great! Granted, I got pregnant again when our first was only 5 months old but there was not this underlying discontentment with his life then like there is now. (And he was totally in agreement to have another, btw! Our first was, and still is, a fantastic sleeper in case you were wondering. Ha.)
He also has a lot going on at work and feels undervalued there, which probably affects his overall mood and disposition. He just used to be the happiest, most steady and patient guy, and now I feel like I’m walking on eggshells when we are all together so he will enjoy himself!

Don’t have any more children for awhile. Mine were three years apart and it was great. I don’t how you both thought you’d handle a new baby with a 1 year old. That’s horrible planning on your part, and now your house is stressful. Nothing to do but stick it out. Don’t have anymore children for at least 3-4 years.

I mean, IMO, I actually love having two kids this close in age and, although exhausting, would do it again! It’s my DH who is struggling (with himself, his career, and his role as a dad) and in turn, making things harder than they actually are. Of course, I’d never say that to him, and I try to encourage and support him but my ability to do that is limited by time, energy, resources, and ultimately, his own willingness to accept that this is kind of just how life is right now.

You are being oddly dismissive of whatever’s going on with him at work right now. Are you actually partners in the sense that you care about and support each other, or is just about what he does to fulfill your fantasy of the idyllic family?

I agree. PLEASE do not have any more children for several more years if you value your marriage at all. I would die for my kids but my relationship with DH is extremely important to me, and I’m willing to do what it takes to keep it healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, this guy is exhausted yet he isn't watching the kids by himself? OMG, you have a third child on your hands.
--- mom of 2 boys 17 months apart

OP said he doesn't like to spend extended time (like a day) with the kids because it exhausts him. What did he think parenthood would be like? Do you really believe a date night will help his family induced exhaustion?

[Anonymous]

I dunno, I think people are being a bit harsh on you OP. You guys are in the weeds now and 1) it’s not unreasonable for you to want more support and participation from your husband in maintaining the emotional atmosphere for your family and 2) 2 under 2 is survival mode — surely if he were more mature, he’d get that? Could be cultural but I don’t really understand why the emphasis on caring for his romantic needs at this stage of life. I mean, you chose to have the kids together. Yes it is hard. Yes it is OK to acknowledge that. Yes as the full-time caregiver you have needs too, and your husband isn’t a third child. At the end of the day you should rest. Empty cups don’t pour, if he wants more of you he should step up in the childcare department and let you recover. Two pregnancies and babies in such a short time does a number on your body and everything else. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, you need to stop policing his feelings. Resenting that he doesn't feel the way you think he "should" feel is unhealthy. He loves his kids, but you think he's also supposed to enjoy every moment with them , and that's unrealistic. No one enjoys every moment. And if he's working FT and then spending all the rest of the time as a family, then neither of you are getting any time on your own to recharge and connect with other interests or each other.

It's not unusual for mothers to be in Mommy-mode in the early years, and to feel like demands for your time and attention are just one more thing you have to do, but you have to do it. If there are things that would legitimately help you do this, like him picking up more of the evening childcare/household tasks so that you end up with a few minutes of free time in the evenings, or whatever, then ask for those things, but it's not just about how much work he does or doesn't do, it's about you recognizing the need to stay connected. Because if you don't, your marriage will suck. I'm not saying you're the bad guy here, just that the dynamic you're in isn't a good one.

+1


You can’t force anyone to “like” something or judge them for doing so or not. If he is rude to you or the kids or passive aggressive ok but that is the problem then. Seriously 2 and 1 are hard ages. And spending whole days as a family. I am married to a daddy martyr who expects that and life is soo much better now that we tag team, give each other time off and sometimes even talk about something else. Either elaborate on the real problem or you are really asking too much.

[Anonymous]

Many had poor role models in their fathers.
Just dad who went to work and was home later to “goof around” whilst Mom did everything for everyone plus worked full time or not.
Entitlement and misogyny are alive and well.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Raising and parenting IS hard work. At each age group.

Sounds like a case or Unrealistic Expectations if Having Kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a biological fact that women are much better with kids 0-6 and especially when they are smallest

men are generally better with kids 6 and older

Nope. My husband and FIL keep trying to treat our 6 and 8 yo girls like little toddlers. Carry them around, silly talk, don’t conversate.
Just totally unrelatable.

[Anonymous]

This is basically us. A little more gap. 23 months apart. My husband at that age didn’t love extended time. BUT unfortunately he still doesn’t. My kids are 5, and 3. He SAYS he does and plays for bites here and there but I know he doesn’t because he actually checks out and thinks of something to do.

As far as couple time he claims to love family time and won’t put us first. Sometimes yes but he thinks family first. I agree with others as they grow older start to mke it a priority. My boys are so active though, 2 and 1 were easier, because they both napped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, yes. This is OP. I’ve tried to be better about this and in fact, we went on a date together last weekend (not just a couple days ago but the previous weekend). I guess my issue also is that I’m wondering how this is going to improve his general malaise and dislike of active parenting. I will absolutely work on giving him more attention but I guess I need to adjust my expectations of his role as a dad. My fear is that he is going to end up like his dad, who was always emotionally distant and totally uninvolved and now has never even met his grandkids.
I think hearing from some of the Pp’s that can relate to his feelings eases this fear somewhat, so thank you.
Honestly, it goes without saying but is worth repeating: I am dead tired by the end of the day. Anyone with young kids knows this feeling! I need to figure out how to care more about spending time with DH when that’s not my “love language” (as it is his).

I think this is it. He doesn't know how to be the kind of dad you want him to be.

IMO, if you are trying to be the kind of wife he wants you to be, shouldn't he try to be the kind of father you want him to be? This isn't about you wanting something for yourself. This is about you wanting something for both your children.

I keep hearing that women should "fake it till they make it" when it comes to wanting sex with their DHs. Maybe men should do the same when it comes to being a dad?

+1000

Not clear why one PP derailed things by saying you aren’t focusing on your marriage. All you wrote was how much your husband doesn’t like solo time with the kids and finds it too difficult and tiring.

Parenting is 24/7/365 and no sick days.

Yes you can hire some sitters here and there, but you can’t outsource many aspects of running a family and household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if I’m posting this in the right place but wondering if anyone has experienced, or is experiencing this. My DH loves our 2 and 1 year old daughters, I know he does, but he does not seem to enjoy spending extended amounts of time with them. Extended as in, one full day (not by himself but all together as a family). In fact, he’s said as much, and said that it “feels like work” to him. He says he is just so exhausted after a couple hours with them that he checks out. I can then tell he is miserable, and it upsets me that he can’t just enjoy his family in the moment. Am I being unrealistic? Maybe I’m expecting something different because I personally am the happiest I’ve ever been and all I really want to do when I’m home (we both work FT) is spend time with my kids and my husband. He also says he “needs more of [my] attention and encouragement” and I can’t help but want to scream bc i already feel like im being pulled in a million directions!

You should really read about Parenting with Asperger's partner. Your husband doe snot seem like a bad person but he seems like he might be on a spectrum without both of you knowing it and he might having very basic problems with parenting that are typical for Aspies, if you learn and read you might both benefit from this because you might find a way to make it work.

Yes keep an eye out for adult adhd or aspergers.

What does he proactively do for you, the house or family? Food, lawn work, social schedule, sports games, vacation planning, etc.??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, yes. This is OP. I’ve tried to be better about this and in fact, we went on a date together last weekend (not just a couple days ago but the previous weekend). I guess my issue also is that I’m wondering how this is going to improve his general malaise and dislike of active parenting. I will absolutely work on giving him more attention but I guess I need to adjust my expectations of his role as a dad. My fear is that he is going to end up like his dad, who was always emotionally distant and totally uninvolved and now has never even met his grandkids.
I think hearing from some of the Pp’s that can relate to his feelings eases this fear somewhat, so thank you.
Honestly, it goes without saying but is worth repeating: I am dead tired by the end of the day. Anyone with young kids knows this feeling! I need to figure out how to care more about spending time with DH when that’s not my “love language” (as it is his).

Stop borrowing trouble. He loves his kids, he's not an absentee father, he's just exhausted (like you are!) and he doesn't enjoy every minute of parenting two little kids, which makes him 100 percent normal. It also sounds like he's stressed about work, and having two kids can really increase the pressure there. Yes, he needs to be an active parent, but that's about what he does, not how he feels about it. If he's involved in caring for his kids, then he will have a connection with them.

Work on making time for both of you to get a break--split the kids up so you get some one-on-one time, time for the two of you to spend together (even if it's just snuggling on the couch while you watch a movie together), and time as a family. It's important to have a balance. And stop judging his feelings. Feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are. You guys need to be safe spaces for each other, not sources of more stress and anxiety. Tell him how happy it makes you to see him interacting with the kids. Tell him it makes you love him more. Heck, tell him it turns you on! But focus on acknowledging the things he does right, rather than looking for the ways he feels wrong.

[Anonymous]

Didn’t read all the other responses but go easy on him. It’s harder for guys to relate to kids at that age. My husband struggled with it and when kids got closer to 4 it changed and they can hang out non-stop and both have so much fun. We also had 2 under 2.

Sounds like you have a committed DH. The fact he’s telling you he’s exhausted is good. If you try and correct him and “change” his feelings, he’ll quit feeling you’re a safe spot to communicate and your marriage will suffer. Sure, remind him it gets easier, but you can empathize because that time of life IS hard. Kids are exhausting and it’s not always fun. But it’s also wonderful and gets easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a biological fact that women are much better with kids 0-6 and especially when they are smallest

men are generally better with kids 6 and older

Nope. My husband and FIL keep trying to treat our 6 and 8 yo girls like little toddlers. Carry them around, silly talk, don’t conversate.
Just totally unrelatable.

+1. By 1, DH was in love with going to the parks and playgrounds. I feel like he got in touch with his inner child. It's not okay for single men to swing on a swing or go down a slide, but if he was with our kids, he got to. He had a blast. They love hiking together too.