Husbands and parenting...why is this so hard??

[Anonymous]

I don’t know if I’m posting this in the right place but wondering if anyone has experienced, or is experiencing this. My DH loves our 2 and 1 year old daughters, I know he does, but he does not seem to enjoy spending extended amounts of time with them. Extended as in, one full day (not by himself but all together as a family). In fact, he’s said as much, and said that it “feels like work” to him. He says he is just so exhausted after a couple hours with them that he checks out. I can then tell he is miserable, and it upsets me that he can’t just enjoy his family in the moment. Am I being unrealistic? Maybe I’m expecting something different because I personally am the happiest I’ve ever been and all I really want to do when I’m home (we both work FT) is spend time with my kids and my husband. He also says he “needs more of [my] attention and encouragement” and I can’t help but want to scream bc i already feel like im being pulled in a million directions!

[Anonymous]

it IS work, with a few fun moments scattered amongst the ruins, at that age. Your kids are so young, so close together in age. And that age is exhausting. I felt the same way when until my oldest was 3. Hence why my kids are 4 years apart.

[Anonymous]

PP here. And I'm a mom, BTW. It's not just a dad thing.

[Anonymous]

I'm with your husband on this. It IS work. There's a reason God makes them cute, you know. Otherwise . . .

[Anonymous]

"My DH loves our 2 and 1 year old daughters, "

That is close to the definition of "work."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if I’m posting this in the right place but wondering if anyone has experienced, or is experiencing this. My DH loves our 2 and 1 year old daughters, I know he does, but he does not seem to enjoy spending extended amounts of time with them. Extended as in, one full day (not by himself but all together as a family). In fact, he’s said as much, and said that it “feels like work” to him. He says he is just so exhausted after a couple hours with them that he checks out. I can then tell he is miserable, and it upsets me that he can’t just enjoy his family in the moment. Am I being unrealistic? Maybe I’m expecting something different because I personally am the happiest I’ve ever been and all I really want to do when I’m home (we both work FT) is spend time with my kids and my husband. He also says he “needs more of [my] attention and encouragement” and I can’t help but want to scream bc i already feel like im being pulled in a million directions!

There are two things going on here. One is that your husband is overwhelmed by caring for two toddlers by himself, which isn't great but is understandable since two toddlers at the same time is fairly exhausting, particularly if you are not experienced. He needs to become more comfortable with taking care of them. My recommendation would be that he either try shorter stretches with both of them (e.g., you go out for 1 hour by yourself on Saturday) or longer stretches with just one of them (e.g., he takes 2yo to playground for an hour and then to lunch afterward).

The second thing is that your husband misses his wife, who is 100% focused on "the family" and not "the marriage." He is not likely to work on the first problem while the second one continues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if I’m posting this in the right place but wondering if anyone has experienced, or is experiencing this. My DH loves our 2 and 1 year old daughters, I know he does, but he does not seem to enjoy spending extended amounts of time with them. Extended as in, one full day (not by himself but all together as a family). In fact, he’s said as much, and said that it “feels like work” to him. He says he is just so exhausted after a couple hours with them that he checks out. I can then tell he is miserable, and it upsets me that he can’t just enjoy his family in the moment. Am I being unrealistic? Maybe I’m expecting something different because I personally am the happiest I’ve ever been and all I really want to do when I’m home (we both work FT) is spend time with my kids and my husband. He also says he “needs more of [my] attention and encouragement” and I can’t help but want to scream bc i already feel like im being pulled in a million directions!

There are two things going on here. One is that your husband is overwhelmed by caring for two toddlers by himself, which isn't great but is understandable since two toddlers at the same time is fairly exhausting, particularly if you are not experienced. He needs to become more comfortable with taking care of them. My recommendation would be that he either try shorter stretches with both of them (e.g., you go out for 1 hour by yourself on Saturday) or longer stretches with just one of them (e.g., he takes 2yo to playground for an hour and then to lunch afterward).

The second thing is that your husband misses his wife, who is 100% focused on "the family" and not "the marriage." He is not likely to work on the first problem while the second one continues.

This. It is actually the bigger issue and needs to be addressed first.

[Anonymous]

I would suggest you double up on birth control.

[Anonymous]

How often do you have a date night?

Two and 1 year olds ARE work. Handling those ages plus a full time job is a lot! Cut him and yourself some slack. I promise it absolutely gets easier as the kids get older, can do more fun things like fishing and go to the movies and go bowling, etc. I'd say that four is a good age when things start to turn around.

Make sure you make time to connect just the two of you, in the midst of everything. A night time babysitter is worth the investment every so often, to recharge and reconnect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if I’m posting this in the right place but wondering if anyone has experienced, or is experiencing this. My DH loves our 2 and 1 year old daughters, I know he does, but he does not seem to enjoy spending extended amounts of time with them. Extended as in, one full day (not by himself but all together as a family). In fact, he’s said as much, and said that it “feels like work” to him. He says he is just so exhausted after a couple hours with them that he checks out. I can then tell he is miserable, and it upsets me that he can’t just enjoy his family in the moment. Am I being unrealistic? Maybe I’m expecting something different because I personally am the happiest I’ve ever been and all I really want to do when I’m home (we both work FT) is spend time with my kids and my husband. He also says he “needs more of [my] attention and encouragement” and I can’t help but want to scream bc i already feel like im being pulled in a million directions!

There are two things going on here. One is that your husband is overwhelmed by caring for two toddlers by himself, which isn't great but is understandable since two toddlers at the same time is fairly exhausting, particularly if you are not experienced. He needs to become more comfortable with taking care of them. My recommendation would be that he either try shorter stretches with both of them (e.g., you go out for 1 hour by yourself on Saturday) or longer stretches with just one of them (e.g., he takes 2yo to playground for an hour and then to lunch afterward).

The second thing is that your husband misses his wife, who is 100% focused on "the family" and not "the marriage." He is not likely to work on the first problem while the second one continues.

This. It is actually the bigger issue and needs to be addressed first.

PP here. I agree.

OP, having children that close together is very stressful. You guys were still in the thick of the baby phase with your first when you were pregnant with the second. Was your husband enthusiastically taking care of your older child before the second arrived?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if I’m posting this in the right place but wondering if anyone has experienced, or is experiencing this. My DH loves our 2 and 1 year old daughters, I know he does, but he does not seem to enjoy spending extended amounts of time with them. Extended as in, one full day (not by himself but all together as a family). In fact, he’s said as much, and said that it “feels like work” to him. He says he is just so exhausted after a couple hours with them that he checks out. I can then tell he is miserable, and it upsets me that he can’t just enjoy his family in the moment. Am I being unrealistic? Maybe I’m expecting something different because I personally am the happiest I’ve ever been and all I really want to do when I’m home (we both work FT) is spend time with my kids and my husband. He also says he “needs more of [my] attention and encouragement” and I can’t help but want to scream bc i already feel like im being pulled in a million directions!

There are two things going on here. One is that your husband is overwhelmed by caring for two toddlers by himself, which isn't great but is understandable since two toddlers at the same time is fairly exhausting, particularly if you are not experienced. He needs to become more comfortable with taking care of them. My recommendation would be that he either try shorter stretches with both of them (e.g., you go out for 1 hour by yourself on Saturday) or longer stretches with just one of them (e.g., he takes 2yo to playground for an hour and then to lunch afterward).

The second thing is that your husband misses his wife, who is 100% focused on "the family" and not "the marriage." He is not likely to work on the first problem while the second one continues.

This. It is actually the bigger issue and needs to be addressed first.

NP.. you know.. I get this part, but a part of me thinks these men are just another "child" that the "mom" has to deal with. I felt the same way OP does, too. I wanted a partner who I could rely on, not another person I had to "manage". TG we are over these early phases now.

[Anonymous]

I really hated the baby years. I loved the kids of course, but did not love BEING with them all day at all. I'm not a kid person, and being around kids that just NEED was not fun.

Now that they are in early elementary and are much more capable, can carry conversations, I enjoy them a lot more.

[Anonymous]

At those ages, it is work. It's great that you enjoy it, but it's still work.

It's worth considering, though, why it's a joy when your young children want to spend time with you, when your husband wants to spend time with you, it's work, it's stressful, it's pulling you in a million directions.

[Anonymous]

OP here:

You’re all totally right in that I probably have neglected my marriage somewhat. However, I guess I get frustrated when he can’t seem to take a longer term view of things, like how the physically demanding and exhausting aspect of parenting will get better in a few years. Thank you to the PP who implied as much! I’m hoping that the more interactive the girls get, the more he enjoys spending time with them. He’s not very silly or playful so I feel like he doesn’t know what to do half the time and doesn’t enjoy the way they want to play.

To the PP who asked about his level of engagement with our first: he was actually great! Granted, I got pregnant again when our first was only 5 months old but there was not this underlying discontentment with his life then like there is now. (And he was totally in agreement to have another, btw! Our first was, and still is, a fantastic sleeper in case you were wondering. Ha.)
He also has a lot going on at work and feels undervalued there, which probably affects his overall mood and disposition. He just used to be the happiest, most steady and patient guy, and now I feel like I’m walking on eggshells when we are all together so he will enjoy himself!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if I’m posting this in the right place but wondering if anyone has experienced, or is experiencing this. My DH loves our 2 and 1 year old daughters, I know he does, but he does not seem to enjoy spending extended amounts of time with them. Extended as in, one full day (not by himself but all together as a family). In fact, he’s said as much, and said that it “feels like work” to him. He says he is just so exhausted after a couple hours with them that he checks out. I can then tell he is miserable, and it upsets me that he can’t just enjoy his family in the moment. Am I being unrealistic? Maybe I’m expecting something different because I personally am the happiest I’ve ever been and all I really want to do when I’m home (we both work FT) is spend time with my kids and my husband. He also says he “needs more of [my] attention and encouragement” and I can’t help but want to scream bc i already feel like im being pulled in a million directions!

There are two things going on here. One is that your husband is overwhelmed by caring for two toddlers by himself, which isn't great but is understandable since two toddlers at the same time is fairly exhausting, particularly if you are not experienced. He needs to become more comfortable with taking care of them. My recommendation would be that he either try shorter stretches with both of them (e.g., you go out for 1 hour by yourself on Saturday) or longer stretches with just one of them (e.g., he takes 2yo to playground for an hour and then to lunch afterward).

The second thing is that your husband misses his wife, who is 100% focused on "the family" and not "the marriage." He is not likely to work on the first problem while the second one continues.

This. It is actually the bigger issue and needs to be addressed first.

NP.. you know.. I get this part, but a part of me thinks these men are just another "child" that the "mom" has to deal with. I felt the same way OP does, too. I wanted a partner who I could rely on, not another person I had to "manage". TG we are over these early phases now.

I'm the original PP and while I can understand the feeling, I think it's also worth noting that there are a lot of changes after children enter the picture. Before we had kids, DH and I traveled all the time. We had tons of sex at various times and in various locations. We spontaneously made plans in the evening, both together and individually. The list of boring things that we complained about was basically confined to work. We now have two kids, and it is so, so easy to get into a routine where "parent" is your default role. It took a lot of conscious effort on my part to be "wife" and not just "mother." It is possible to balance the roles, and there are certainly times when it is more difficult than other times (OP and her husband are in one of those times). But it is also possible that the OP's husband feels (as my husband did from time to time) like I'd done a bait and switch on him. That the fun lady he fell in love with had promised enrichment of lives via children and then turned into a person who just talked about sleep schedules and play dates all the damn time.