Husbands and parenting...why is this so hard??

[Anonymous]

Some parents are better with different ages and if you are lucky, it works out. For example, my dad could sit with a baby for hours but my mom was restless and loved the toddler ages. It's the reverse in my house.

Maybe your time is now, and he will step up when they are older and less demanding, more interactive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At those ages, it is work. It's great that you enjoy it, but it's still work.

It's worth considering, though, why it's a joy when your young children want to spend time with you, when your husband wants to spend time with you, it's work, it's stressful, it's pulling you in a million directions.

Well, I guess because right now I enjoy my kids more so than my husband, just to be painfully honest. :-/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if I’m posting this in the right place but wondering if anyone has experienced, or is experiencing this. My DH loves our 2 and 1 year old daughters, I know he does, but he does not seem to enjoy spending extended amounts of time with them. Extended as in, one full day (not by himself but all together as a family). In fact, he’s said as much, and said that it “feels like work” to him. He says he is just so exhausted after a couple hours with them that he checks out. I can then tell he is miserable, and it upsets me that he can’t just enjoy his family in the moment. Am I being unrealistic? Maybe I’m expecting something different because I personally am the happiest I’ve ever been and all I really want to do when I’m home (we both work FT) is spend time with my kids and my husband. He also says he “needs more of [my] attention and encouragement” and I can’t help but want to scream bc i already feel like im being pulled in a million directions!

There are two things going on here. One is that your husband is overwhelmed by caring for two toddlers by himself, which isn't great but is understandable since two toddlers at the same time is fairly exhausting, particularly if you are not experienced. He needs to become more comfortable with taking care of them. My recommendation would be that he either try shorter stretches with both of them (e.g., you go out for 1 hour by yourself on Saturday) or longer stretches with just one of them (e.g., he takes 2yo to playground for an hour and then to lunch afterward).

The second thing is that your husband misses his wife, who is 100% focused on "the family" and not "the marriage." He is not likely to work on the first problem while the second one continues.

This. It is actually the bigger issue and needs to be addressed first.

NP.. you know.. I get this part, but a part of me thinks these men are just another "child" that the "mom" has to deal with. I felt the same way OP does, too. I wanted a partner who I could rely on, not another person I had to "manage". TG we are over these early phases now.

I'm the original PP and while I can understand the feeling, I think it's also worth noting that there are a lot of changes after children enter the picture. Before we had kids, DH and I traveled all the time. We had tons of sex at various times and in various locations. We spontaneously made plans in the evening, both together and individually. The list of boring things that we complained about was basically confined to work. We now have two kids, and it is so, so easy to get into a routine where "parent" is your default role. It took a lot of conscious effort on my part to be "wife" and not just "mother." It is possible to balance the roles, and there are certainly times when it is more difficult than other times (OP and her husband are in one of those times). But it is also possible that the OP's husband feels (as my husband did from time to time) like I'd done a bait and switch on him. That the fun lady he fell in love with had promised enrichment of lives via children and then turned into a person who just talked about sleep schedules and play dates all the damn time.

Haha, to first PP: yes! That’s how I feel, which is probably not helpful.

And second PP, that’s exactly what he’s said: he wants to have conversations with me that ARENT about the kids, and I sometimes feel like I literally don’t have the energy or bandwidth to do this at the end of a long day/week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

You’re all totally right in that I probably have neglected my marriage somewhat. However, I guess I get frustrated when he can’t seem to take a longer term view of things, like how the physically demanding and exhausting aspect of parenting will get better in a few years. Thank you to the PP who implied as much! I’m hoping that the more interactive the girls get, the more he enjoys spending time with them. He’s not very silly or playful so I feel like he doesn’t know what to do half the time and doesn’t enjoy the way they want to play.

To the PP who asked about his level of engagement with our first: he was actually great! Granted, I got pregnant again when our first was only 5 months old but there was not this underlying discontentment with his life then like there is now. (And he was totally in agreement to have another, btw! Our first was, and still is, a fantastic sleeper in case you were wondering. Ha.)
He also has a lot going on at work and feels undervalued there, which probably affects his overall mood and disposition. He just used to be the happiest, most steady and patient guy, and now I feel like I’m walking on eggshells when we are all together so he will enjoy himself!

I completely understand where you're coming from, but it might be helpful to take a step back and look at your marriage. You admitted that you're neglecting your marriage, you're seeing changes in your marriage as a result, but you're blaming your husband for doing that to you rather than recognizing it as at least in part the consequence of you neglecting your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if I’m posting this in the right place but wondering if anyone has experienced, or is experiencing this. My DH loves our 2 and 1 year old daughters, I know he does, but he does not seem to enjoy spending extended amounts of time with them. Extended as in, one full day (not by himself but all together as a family). In fact, he’s said as much, and said that it “feels like work” to him. He says he is just so exhausted after a couple hours with them that he checks out. I can then tell he is miserable, and it upsets me that he can’t just enjoy his family in the moment. Am I being unrealistic? Maybe I’m expecting something different because I personally am the happiest I’ve ever been and all I really want to do when I’m home (we both work FT) is spend time with my kids and my husband. He also says he “needs more of [my] attention and encouragement” and I can’t help but want to scream bc i already feel like im being pulled in a million directions!

There are two things going on here. One is that your husband is overwhelmed by caring for two toddlers by himself, which isn't great but is understandable since two toddlers at the same time is fairly exhausting, particularly if you are not experienced. He needs to become more comfortable with taking care of them. My recommendation would be that he either try shorter stretches with both of them (e.g., you go out for 1 hour by yourself on Saturday) or longer stretches with just one of them (e.g., he takes 2yo to playground for an hour and then to lunch afterward).

The second thing is that your husband misses his wife, who is 100% focused on "the family" and not "the marriage." He is not likely to work on the first problem while the second one continues.

This. It is actually the bigger issue and needs to be addressed first.

NP.. you know.. I get this part, but a part of me thinks these men are just another "child" that the "mom" has to deal with. I felt the same way OP does, too. I wanted a partner who I could rely on, not another person I had to "manage". TG we are over these early phases now.

I'm the original PP and while I can understand the feeling, I think it's also worth noting that there are a lot of changes after children enter the picture. Before we had kids, DH and I traveled all the time. We had tons of sex at various times and in various locations. We spontaneously made plans in the evening, both together and individually. The list of boring things that we complained about was basically confined to work. We now have two kids, and it is so, so easy to get into a routine where "parent" is your default role. It took a lot of conscious effort on my part to be "wife" and not just "mother." It is possible to balance the roles, and there are certainly times when it is more difficult than other times (OP and her husband are in one of those times). But it is also possible that the OP's husband feels (as my husband did from time to time) like I'd done a bait and switch on him. That the fun lady he fell in love with had promised enrichment of lives via children and then turned into a person who just talked about sleep schedules and play dates all the damn time.

Haha, to first PP: yes! That’s how I feel, which is probably not helpful.

And second PP, that’s exactly what he’s said: he wants to have conversations with me that ARENT about the kids, and I sometimes feel like I literally don’t have the energy or bandwidth to do this at the end of a long day/week.

That PP here. It can definitely be hard to muster the energy, and certainly if you are 100% focused on your kids, you may not have as much to talk about as you used to. I would tell him that you sincerely would like to work on this aspect of the relationship and ask if he has any ideas about ways you can connect after the kids go to bed. For us, it was picking both a show to watch together and a book to read together. We found that if we were doing the same thing, we could talk about that thing if we ran out of other stuff to talk about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if I’m posting this in the right place but wondering if anyone has experienced, or is experiencing this. My DH loves our 2 and 1 year old daughters, I know he does, but he does not seem to enjoy spending extended amounts of time with them. Extended as in, one full day (not by himself but all together as a family). In fact, he’s said as much, and said that it “feels like work” to him. He says he is just so exhausted after a couple hours with them that he checks out. I can then tell he is miserable, and it upsets me that he can’t just enjoy his family in the moment. Am I being unrealistic? Maybe I’m expecting something different because I personally am the happiest I’ve ever been and all I really want to do when I’m home (we both work FT) is spend time with my kids and my husband. He also says he “needs more of [my] attention and encouragement” and I can’t help but want to scream bc i already feel like im being pulled in a million directions!

You should really read about Parenting with Asperger's partner. Your husband doe snot seem like a bad person but he seems like he might be on a spectrum without both of you knowing it and he might having very basic problems with parenting that are typical for Aspies, if you learn and read you might both benefit from this because you might find a way to make it work.

[Anonymous]

I love my kid, but having a 2 year old and 1 year old would be my definition of hell. I think you need to cut him some slack.

[Anonymous]

My husband is like this too. Just let go of your expectations for him. He can’t hang out with the kids all day.
I personally don’t think that 2 and 1 are the very worst ever.
The 1 year old probably still takes a morning nap. So schedule yourself some mommy/daughter time with the 2 y/o at that time and leave him with the sleeping baby.
When baby wakes up, go out and do something together as a family. Eat lunch while you are out. Then come home, put the kids down for afternoon nap, and have some grown up time.
After nap let the girls play outside while he does some manly thing like fix his car or grill or something. Then dinner, then walk around the neighborhood as a family, then kids go to bed.

Also, let him do the dad stuff. I am sure this is sexist, but I think most men view themselves as the protector of the family. So let him install the baby proofing stuff, make sure car seats are safe, make sure smoke detectors and carbon monoxide detectors work, etc. It will take some of that stuff off your list AND make him feel like you appreciate him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At those ages, it is work. It's great that you enjoy it, but it's still work.

It's worth considering, though, why it's a joy when your young children want to spend time with you, when your husband wants to spend time with you, it's work, it's stressful, it's pulling you in a million directions.

Well, I guess because right now I enjoy my kids more so than my husband, just to be painfully honest. :-/

That's something you need to work on, for real. What do you think is going to happen in 5-6 years when parenting gets physically easier but you and your husband have spent the better part of a decade viewing each other as work and resenting each other to some extent as a result?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if I’m posting this in the right place but wondering if anyone has experienced, or is experiencing this. My DH loves our 2 and 1 year old daughters, I know he does, but he does not seem to enjoy spending extended amounts of time with them. Extended as in, one full day (not by himself but all together as a family). In fact, he’s said as much, and said that it “feels like work” to him. He says he is just so exhausted after a couple hours with them that he checks out. I can then tell he is miserable, and it upsets me that he can’t just enjoy his family in the moment. Am I being unrealistic? Maybe I’m expecting something different because I personally am the happiest I’ve ever been and all I really want to do when I’m home (we both work FT) is spend time with my kids and my husband. He also says he “needs more of [my] attention and encouragement” and I can’t help but want to scream bc i already feel like im being pulled in a million directions!

You should really read about Parenting with Asperger's partner. Your husband doe snot seem like a bad person but he seems like he might be on a spectrum without both of you knowing it and he might having very basic problems with parenting that are typical for Aspies, if you learn and read you might both benefit from this because you might find a way to make it work.

Huh, I didn't know that being overwhelmed by near-Irish Twins was a symptom of being on the spectrum ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if I’m posting this in the right place but wondering if anyone has experienced, or is experiencing this. My DH loves our 2 and 1 year old daughters, I know he does, but he does not seem to enjoy spending extended amounts of time with them. Extended as in, one full day (not by himself but all together as a family). In fact, he’s said as much, and said that it “feels like work” to him. He says he is just so exhausted after a couple hours with them that he checks out. I can then tell he is miserable, and it upsets me that he can’t just enjoy his family in the moment. Am I being unrealistic? Maybe I’m expecting something different because I personally am the happiest I’ve ever been and all I really want to do when I’m home (we both work FT) is spend time with my kids and my husband. He also says he “needs more of [my] attention and encouragement” and I can’t help but want to scream bc i already feel like im being pulled in a million directions!

You should really read about Parenting with Asperger's partner. Your husband doe snot seem like a bad person but he seems like he might be on a spectrum without both of you knowing it and he might having very basic problems with parenting that are typical for Aspies, if you learn and read you might both benefit from this because you might find a way to make it work.

Huh, I didn't know that being overwhelmed by near-Irish Twins was a symptom of being on the spectrum ...

pp is projecting in a big way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At those ages, it is work. It's great that you enjoy it, but it's still work.

It's worth considering, though, why it's a joy when your young children want to spend time with you, when your husband wants to spend time with you, it's work, it's stressful, it's pulling you in a million directions.

Well, I guess because right now I enjoy my kids more so than my husband, just to be painfully honest. :-/

That's something you need to work on, for real. What do you think is going to happen in 5-6 years when parenting gets physically easier but you and your husband have spent the better part of a decade viewing each other as work and resenting each other to some extent as a result?

I don't disagree, but it's her HUSBAND who needs to step up and take responsibility if he wants more time as a couple. With babies 14 months apart, it's hardly likely to be true that OP is making up parenting tasks -- I seriously doubt there's some huge well of discretionary time she's choosing not to spend on her marriage. Why is it OP's job to find a sitter, book a restaurant, etc? Also her husband needs to take responsibility for his own mental health -- if he's depressed or anxious (normal) he needs to get therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if I’m posting this in the right place but wondering if anyone has experienced, or is experiencing this. My DH loves our 2 and 1 year old daughters, I know he does, but he does not seem to enjoy spending extended amounts of time with them. Extended as in, one full day (not by himself but all together as a family). In fact, he’s said as much, and said that it “feels like work” to him. He says he is just so exhausted after a couple hours with them that he checks out. I can then tell he is miserable, and it upsets me that he can’t just enjoy his family in the moment. Am I being unrealistic? Maybe I’m expecting something different because I personally am the happiest I’ve ever been and all I really want to do when I’m home (we both work FT) is spend time with my kids and my husband. He also says he “needs more of [my] attention and encouragement” and I can’t help but want to scream bc i already feel like im being pulled in a million directions!

Oh, just noticed this. Sounds like you guys need to do a little tag-teaming on the weekend so you can each get some R&R time. You don't have to be constantly together all weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At those ages, it is work. It's great that you enjoy it, but it's still work.

It's worth considering, though, why it's a joy when your young children want to spend time with you, when your husband wants to spend time with you, it's work, it's stressful, it's pulling you in a million directions.

Well, I guess because right now I enjoy my kids more so than my husband, just to be painfully honest. :-/

That's something you need to work on, for real. What do you think is going to happen in 5-6 years when parenting gets physically easier but you and your husband have spent the better part of a decade viewing each other as work and resenting each other to some extent as a result?

I don't disagree, but it's her HUSBAND who needs to step up and take responsibility if he wants more time as a couple. With babies 14 months apart, it's hardly likely to be true that OP is making up parenting tasks -- I seriously doubt there's some huge well of discretionary time she's choosing not to spend on her marriage. Why is it OP's job to find a sitter, book a restaurant, etc? Also her husband needs to take responsibility for his own mental health -- if he's depressed or anxious (normal) he needs to get therapy.

If OP can't even find the time/energy for a five-minute conversation that's not about the kids, do you really think she's going to make the time and and energy to show up for a date night, even if her husband planned everything?

[Anonymous]

Look, I love toddlers, they’re my career, and even I don’t want to spend all damn day with one, let alone two.

DH & I switch off on weekends so we each get a morning and an afternoon with no kid responsibility. We’re not as good at scheduling dates, but at least our tanks are recharged regularly.