Husbands and parenting...why is this so hard??

[Anonymous]

Also, you need to stop policing his feelings. Resenting that he doesn't feel the way you think he "should" feel is unhealthy. He loves his kids, but you think he's also supposed to enjoy every moment with them , and that's unrealistic. No one enjoys every moment. And if he's working FT and then spending all the rest of the time as a family, then neither of you are getting any time on your own to recharge and connect with other interests or each other.

It's not unusual for mothers to be in Mommy-mode in the early years, and to feel like demands for your time and attention are just one more thing you have to do, but you have to do it. If there are things that would legitimately help you do this, like him picking up more of the evening childcare/household tasks so that you end up with a few minutes of free time in the evenings, or whatever, then ask for those things, but it's not just about how much work he does or doesn't do, it's about you recognizing the need to stay connected. Because if you don't, your marriage will suck. I'm not saying you're the bad guy here, just that the dynamic you're in isn't a good one.

[Anonymous]

Ok, yes. This is OP. I’ve tried to be better about this and in fact, we went on a date together last weekend (not just a couple days ago but the previous weekend). I guess my issue also is that I’m wondering how this is going to improve his general malaise and dislike of active parenting. I will absolutely work on giving him more attention but I guess I need to adjust my expectations of his role as a dad. My fear is that he is going to end up like his dad, who was always emotionally distant and totally uninvolved and now has never even met his grandkids.
I think hearing from some of the Pp’s that can relate to his feelings eases this fear somewhat, so thank you.
Honestly, it goes without saying but is worth repeating: I am dead tired by the end of the day. Anyone with young kids knows this feeling! I need to figure out how to care more about spending time with DH when that’s not my “love language” (as it is his).

[Anonymous]

Mine are the same age difference and approaching 3&4. We both feel that we are finally emerging from the slog of babies. It is hard when they can’t communicate clearly and when they are tantrumy. They are finally both fun at the same time, potty trained, eating normal food. Give the poor guy a break. Babies/toddlers are exhausting. And take care of your husband. Go on a weekly date night. It will probably take care of what he needs from you. Also don’t micromanage his interactions with the kids and pay a bit of attention to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, yes. This is OP. I’ve tried to be better about this and in fact, we went on a date together last weekend (not just a couple days ago but the previous weekend). I guess my issue also is that I’m wondering how this is going to improve his general malaise and dislike of active parenting. I will absolutely work on giving him more attention but I guess I need to adjust my expectations of his role as a dad. My fear is that he is going to end up like his dad, who was always emotionally distant and totally uninvolved and now has never even met his grandkids.
I think hearing from some of the Pp’s that can relate to his feelings eases this fear somewhat, so thank you.
Honestly, it goes without saying but is worth repeating: I am dead tired by the end of the day. Anyone with young kids knows this feeling! I need to figure out how to care more about spending time with DH when that’s not my “love language” (as it is his).

Well, what ARE your expectations of him as a dad? I was the first poster to call out the issue in your marriage as being separate from the parenting issue. My husband is most comfortable when we are doing kid stuff together. Can you just ask your husband what sorts of things he wants to do with the kids? For example, it's summer now, and my husband, who will never volunteer to change a poopy diaper or manage a bedtime, will run our toddler ragged at the pool all day Saturday and Sunday while I read novels on the side of the pool. What kinds of stuff does your husband want to do? You've mentioned the things he doesn't enjoy (pretend play, logistics) but that's not all parenting is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

You’re all totally right in that I probably have neglected my marriage somewhat. However, I guess I get frustrated when he can’t seem to take a longer term view of things, like how the physically demanding and exhausting aspect of parenting will get better in a few years. Thank you to the PP who implied as much! I’m hoping that the more interactive the girls get, the more he enjoys spending time with them. He’s not very silly or playful so I feel like he doesn’t know what to do half the time and doesn’t enjoy the way they want to play.

To the PP who asked about his level of engagement with our first: he was actually great! Granted, I got pregnant again when our first was only 5 months old but there was not this underlying discontentment with his life then like there is now. (And he was totally in agreement to have another, btw! Our first was, and still is, a fantastic sleeper in case you were wondering. Ha.)
He also has a lot going on at work and feels undervalued there, which probably affects his overall mood and disposition. He just used to be the happiest, most steady and patient guy, and now I feel like I’m walking on eggshells when we are all together so he will enjoy himself!

Don’t have any more children for awhile. Mine were three years apart and it was great. I don’t how you both thought you’d handle a new baby with a 1 year old. That’s horrible planning on your part, and now your house is stressful. Nothing to do but stick it out. Don’t have anymore children for at least 3-4 years.

[Anonymous]

Wait, this guy is exhausted yet he isn't watching the kids by himself? OMG, you have a third child on your hands.
--- mom of 2 boys 17 months apart

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, this guy is exhausted yet he isn't watching the kids by himself? OMG, you have a third child on your hands.
--- mom of 2 boys 17 months apart

^^^Found "that" mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, this guy is exhausted yet he isn't watching the kids by himself? OMG, you have a third child on your hands.
--- mom of 2 boys 17 months apart

OP isn’t watching the kids solo either and she’s also exhausted. Does that she’s a third child to her husband?

[Anonymous]

OP, are there any tv shows you and your DH both enjoy? Or even something new that you might enjoy? That can be a really easy/low-key way to reconnect, because one or two tv episodes in a week isn’t that time consuming, it doesn’t require a bunch of planning, and there isn’t a lot of pressure to be “on” and keep conversation flowing when you’re tired. Plus, to the extent you are inclined to chat, she show gives you something to discuss if you’re otherwise struggling to come up with something non-kid to talk about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, yes. This is OP. I’ve tried to be better about this and in fact, we went on a date together last weekend (not just a couple days ago but the previous weekend). I guess my issue also is that I’m wondering how this is going to improve his general malaise and dislike of active parenting. I will absolutely work on giving him more attention but I guess I need to adjust my expectations of his role as a dad. My fear is that he is going to end up like his dad, who was always emotionally distant and totally uninvolved and now has never even met his grandkids.
I think hearing from some of the Pp’s that can relate to his feelings eases this fear somewhat, so thank you.
Honestly, it goes without saying but is worth repeating: I am dead tired by the end of the day. Anyone with young kids knows this feeling! I need to figure out how to care more about spending time with DH when that’s not my “love language” (as it is his).

I think this is it. He doesn't know how to be the kind of dad you want him to be.

IMO, if you are trying to be the kind of wife he wants you to be, shouldn't he try to be the kind of father you want him to be? This isn't about you wanting something for yourself. This is about you wanting something for both your children.

I keep hearing that women should "fake it till they make it" when it comes to wanting sex with their DHs. Maybe men should do the same when it comes to being a dad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At those ages, it is work. It's great that you enjoy it, but it's still work.

It's worth considering, though, why it's a joy when your young children want to spend time with you, when your husband wants to spend time with you, it's work, it's stressful, it's pulling you in a million directions.

Well, I guess because right now I enjoy my kids more so than my husband, just to be painfully honest. :-/

That's something you need to work on, for real. What do you think is going to happen in 5-6 years when parenting gets physically easier but you and your husband have spent the better part of a decade viewing each other as work and resenting each other to some extent as a result?

I don't disagree, but it's her HUSBAND who needs to step up and take responsibility if he wants more time as a couple. With babies 14 months apart, it's hardly likely to be true that OP is making up parenting tasks -- I seriously doubt there's some huge well of discretionary time she's choosing not to spend on her marriage. Why is it OP's job to find a sitter, book a restaurant, etc? Also her husband needs to take responsibility for his own mental health -- if he's depressed or anxious (normal) he needs to get therapy.

If OP can't even find the time/energy for a five-minute conversation that's not about the kids, do you really think she's going to make the time and and energy to show up for a date night, even if her husband planned everything?

I mean, I'm not going to blame the FT working mom of a 1 and 2 year old for not having the energy for an elaborate date night.

They need to meet in the middle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At those ages, it is work. It's great that you enjoy it, but it's still work.

It's worth considering, though, why it's a joy when your young children want to spend time with you, when your husband wants to spend time with you, it's work, it's stressful, it's pulling you in a million directions.

Well, I guess because right now I enjoy my kids more so than my husband, just to be painfully honest. :-/

That's something you need to work on, for real. What do you think is going to happen in 5-6 years when parenting gets physically easier but you and your husband have spent the better part of a decade viewing each other as work and resenting each other to some extent as a result?

I don't disagree, but it's her HUSBAND who needs to step up and take responsibility if he wants more time as a couple. With babies 14 months apart, it's hardly likely to be true that OP is making up parenting tasks -- I seriously doubt there's some huge well of discretionary time she's choosing not to spend on her marriage. Why is it OP's job to find a sitter, book a restaurant, etc? Also her husband needs to take responsibility for his own mental health -- if he's depressed or anxious (normal) he needs to get therapy.

If OP can't even find the time/energy for a five-minute conversation that's not about the kids, do you really think she's going to make the time and and energy to show up for a date night, even if her husband planned everything?

I mean, I'm not going to blame the FT working mom of a 1 and 2 year old for not having the energy for an elaborate date night.

They need to meet in the middle.

Why do you assume he’s not willing to do so? All we know from OP is that he wants to spend more time with her, but she doesn’t have the energy to spend time with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

You’re all totally right in that I probably have neglected my marriage somewhat. However, I guess I get frustrated when he can’t seem to take a longer term view of things, like how the physically demanding and exhausting aspect of parenting will get better in a few years. Thank you to the PP who implied as much! I’m hoping that the more interactive the girls get, the more he enjoys spending time with them. He’s not very silly or playful so I feel like he doesn’t know what to do half the time and doesn’t enjoy the way they want to play.

To the PP who asked about his level of engagement with our first: he was actually great! Granted, I got pregnant again when our first was only 5 months old but there was not this underlying discontentment with his life then like there is now. (And he was totally in agreement to have another, btw! Our first was, and still is, a fantastic sleeper in case you were wondering. Ha.)
He also has a lot going on at work and feels undervalued there, which probably affects his overall mood and disposition. He just used to be the happiest, most steady and patient guy, and now I feel like I’m walking on eggshells when we are all together so he will enjoy himself!

Don’t have any more children for awhile. Mine were three years apart and it was great. I don’t how you both thought you’d handle a new baby with a 1 year old. That’s horrible planning on your part, and now your house is stressful. Nothing to do but stick it out. Don’t have anymore children for at least 3-4 years.

I mean, IMO, I actually love having two kids this close in age and, although exhausting, would do it again! It’s my DH who is struggling (with himself, his career, and his role as a dad) and in turn, making things harder than they actually are. Of course, I’d never say that to him, and I try to encourage and support him but my ability to do that is limited by time, energy, resources, and ultimately, his own willingness to accept that this is kind of just how life is right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

You’re all totally right in that I probably have neglected my marriage somewhat. However, I guess I get frustrated when he can’t seem to take a longer term view of things, like how the physically demanding and exhausting aspect of parenting will get better in a few years. Thank you to the PP who implied as much! I’m hoping that the more interactive the girls get, the more he enjoys spending time with them. He’s not very silly or playful so I feel like he doesn’t know what to do half the time and doesn’t enjoy the way they want to play.

To the PP who asked about his level of engagement with our first: he was actually great! Granted, I got pregnant again when our first was only 5 months old but there was not this underlying discontentment with his life then like there is now. (And he was totally in agreement to have another, btw! Our first was, and still is, a fantastic sleeper in case you were wondering. Ha.)
He also has a lot going on at work and feels undervalued there, which probably affects his overall mood and disposition. He just used to be the happiest, most steady and patient guy, and now I feel like I’m walking on eggshells when we are all together so he will enjoy himself!

Don’t have any more children for awhile. Mine were three years apart and it was great. I don’t how you both thought you’d handle a new baby with a 1 year old. That’s horrible planning on your part, and now your house is stressful. Nothing to do but stick it out. Don’t have anymore children for at least 3-4 years.

I mean, IMO, I actually love having two kids this close in age and, although exhausting, would do it again! It’s my DH who is struggling (with himself, his career, and his role as a dad) and in turn, making things harder than they actually are. Of course, I’d never say that to him, and I try to encourage and support him but my ability to do that is limited by time, energy, resources, and ultimately, his own willingness to accept that this is kind of just how life is right now.

Yes. The first kid is a big adjustment for everyone but more for the mom. The second kid impacts the father much more, with the combo taking up all of the mothers resources and much bigger demands on his time and energy. This is doubly true of little ones close in age. It's where you are right now. But do make a serious effort to take 30min or an hour every couple days to not talk about the kids. Anything else. It really really helps to reconnect.

[Anonymous]

You don't feel like that? Heck, something is wrong with me then. Mom.