Husband said I was a monster last night

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a different take on this. He's upset and your focus is "make me feel better" and "I'm going to guilt you by crying". The whole "can't be himself around you" makes it sound like he constantly has to walk on eggshells around you because you're so fragile and he's constantly having to pick you up and make you feel better. And he never gets to talk about his real feelings. It's an exhausting way to live.

+1

OP here. I see your point and picked up on that too. However the name calling and aggression is NOT the way to communicate. I feel really sad and guilty that he feels that he cannot be himself around me. I implored him to tell me this morning but he shut me out, wanting instead to villanize me.

Do you think the conversation you described above was you “imploring” him to tell you what’s wrong?

[Anonymous]

You choosing to walk in with an intentionally cold attitude and aggressively following him around the house demanding attention to your needs is part of the reason he spent the day away from you with people who don’t drain him. You sound like a emotionally irrational monster that is guided by feelings instead of logic. Your offense is probably always on. Who wants to be around someone like that all the time?

And to think, this whole thing started because he came home late, and said he couldn’t be himself around you. Is there part of the story missing? Were you cold when he walked in late?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have a problem with the crying, but holy hell you guys are awful at fighting. Just mean and rude and doing your BEST to hurt each other.

The narcissism is strong with these two. They thrive on drama!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I went and got breakfast and groceries. When I come back I notice that he has moved from couch to the bed.

I go in and coldly say, " I see you finally decided to come to bed."

He asks me where I was and I say I went to get food. I am annoyed that he is trying to ignore everything that happened last night. I then say coldly, " do you have something you want to say to me?"

He raises his voice, "do YOU have something to say to me?"

I stare at him amazed that he can turn this around. I ignore him and reference his mean words to me last night. He says he doesn't want to talk to me because I am "impossible and always angry." He gets up and walks to the bathroom. "Don't walk away," I say but he keeps walking away and then goes into the bathroom. I walk up to him and hold open the door and say angrily, " You can't keep ignoring me!"

He yells at me, "LEAVE ME ALONE!" and slams the bathroom door and pushes me away by doing so.

"STOP YELLING AT ME!"

I yell back.


He now left to grab lunch. I have no idea what is going on.

good lord this reads like a bad romance novel.

[Anonymous]

Posters keep making this about OP, when her husband clearly is being an awful jerk right now. Shame on anyone who is defending her complete boar of a husband.


OP, you need a different tactic to get what you want: a partner who communicates better when he's upset and knows there are minimal decency rules he has to abide by.

You need to stay calm, not yell or appear to lose your temper. This is hard because he's acting like a tantruming child right now. In fact, you really need to stay as calm and rational as when you're dealing with a toddler!

You are not going to back off your demand that he apologize for the verbal attack that started everything. But you are going to be patient. Carry on as usual, but when he's calm, perhaps in a day or two, you sit him down and explain that this is why he can't come home late at night and pick a fight! It's because no one can behave well when they're tired and are taken by surprise. He has to be mature, patient, and communicate in a calm way, to get what he wants (this is what you're modeling).

As you're talking, you're trying to get him to express regret for what he did, and say that he won't do it again. You can express regret that you were angry in the morning and tried to force an apology (this is the ONLY teeny-weeny mistake you made, last night you did nothing wrong). Then both of you can move on to address the substance of his complaint.

Good luck, OP. Your husband does not sound like a catch.

[Anonymous]

We have many posts here saying that OP's or pp's feelings are valid no matter how silly or wrong they are. Many give this opinion here on dcum. He told you how he feels, ok, then he went to sleep in your bed, by this point you cried already, then in bed you started to cry again. Then he went to the couch. This all sounds like you are awfully young and insecure. I would have told my DH of 25 years to look in the mirror before he starts talking s*it. Now, why are you a monster? What in your opinion prompted this name calling? Are you super uptight, are you controlling, etc... does everything have to be your way? Also, why were you not at this parents' house? Strange not to be there on Saturday evening, no?
Is he drinking and buying pricey cars and ruining you financially hence he thinks you are controlling?
So many unknowns here. I would like to take you side, and you could be totally right that he was just nasty, but you cried twice in a short period of time instead of asking him what makes him say that? I dislike women that cry at the drop of a hat. I see it as manipulative behavior and something difficult to pull off. If I am crying, it certainly takes a lot more then some one like from DH or heck, anyone. I am the person that cries for a whole hour every single time I watch Splendor in the Grass, or read a sad book, heck, I cried watching Avengers! But, not in fights like that, heck no. I perceive it as emotional blackmail. My sister is prone to this and she is definitely ocd, has to have her way and wont' drop a subject ever to prove everyone she was right and that we wronged her. Heck no, I am not putting up with I am crying hence you are wrong attitude. Clearly your DH feels the same I do.

[Anonymous]

I do think you both have lots to learn about effective communication. Suggest finding a Harville Hendrix book that seems to fit and a good marriage counselor so that you can both find a way to be heard and feel loved.

[Anonymous]

So, he went out, were you seething the whole time he way out? That he choose not to spend his weekend with you? Did you give him a hard time about going to see his family yesterday? He then told his mom this, or brother or dad? Who then informed him that you are controlling? Or he saw that other spouses were there, but you were not and he was resenting this? Instead of approaching him calmly today you decided to attack him straight from the door? Why? So immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband told me this last year. So I listened. It turned out his feelings were a litany of criticisms of our lives together, including my appearance, job, and what we do on date nights. Whatever. What was happening was he didn't have any friends, so the kinds of things you should say to your buddy about, like, how you miss the body your wife had at 24, he instead felt like he should be able to say to me. Well, he's said them now. I think he wishes he didn't. (I weigh the same as pre baby, but it looks different. My job is great and I earn as much as he does, but he apparently thought I'd do better. Maybe our date nights did really suck, but I enjoyed them.)

How do you move forward from that? You must truly love the guy and/or have a very strong sense of self.

Weirdly, it's turned out well for me. Before that, my response to his unhappiness had been to try harder. Realizing how deeply it went and how unmoored from reality it was freed me to stop doing that.

[Anonymous]

Of course crying can be manipulative. If you tried to talk to your husband about how you have to walk on eggshells around him and he started to try and told you to make him feel okay..you would call it manipulative.

i hope this is a troll. Otherwise OP is one of the most cold, obtuse, self centered people that has posted on here. Her DH deserves so much better. I hope he has the self respect to leave and realize that.

Poor DH.

[Anonymous]

Lots of women are the problem in the marriage. They can be narcissistic, abusive, controlling, manipulative, emotionally cold and dismissive. Women can be just as evil and cruel as men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not OP but I just want to point out that for most of us, crying is just a physiological response. There is no choice in the matter, so it can’t be manipulative. At least I could not physically force myself to cry. I guess there are actors who can, but I don’t think it’s normal. If she is crying, she is genuinely experiencing those feelings. It doesn’t mean she’s always right, and of course she could hide the crying or try to explain it to him in a kinder way. But a man who becomes furious *because* his wife is crying sounds like someone who is feeling guilty.

By the time you are an adult, you should have learned basic emotional regulation. Unless you also cry out in public and cry at work and cry all the time, you can control it. And if you are crying all the time with no control- you should seek professional help. Saying you can't control crying is like saying you can't control yelling - that physiologically when angry, your voice raises. And her feelings are irrelevant at the moment her husband is trying to tell her how he feels. Saying - but waaahhhhh - look at me crying, look at my feelings - poor me - I am such a say crying woman with all these sad feelings - waaahhhhh - make me feel okay you are responsible for my happiness and emotional regulation and bad you for making me feel sad and making me cry - waaaaahhhhhh - when someone tries to tell you how they feel is manipulative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I went and got breakfast and groceries. When I come back I notice that he has moved from couch to the bed.

I go in and coldly say, " I see you finally decided to come to bed."

He asks me where I was and I say I went to get food. I am annoyed that he is trying to ignore everything that happened last night. I then say coldly, " do you have something you want to say to me?"

He raises his voice, "do YOU have something to say to me?"

I stare at him amazed that he can turn this around. I ignore him and reference his mean words to me last night. He says he doesn't want to talk to me because I am "impossible and always angry." He gets up and walks to the bathroom. "Don't walk away," I say but he keeps walking away and then goes into the bathroom. I walk up to him and hold open the door and say angrily, " You can't keep ignoring me!"

He yells at me, "LEAVE ME ALONE!" and slams the bathroom door and pushes me away by doing so.

"STOP YELLING AT ME!"

I yell back.


He now left to grab lunch. I have no idea what is going on.

Great start! Bravo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I went and got breakfast and groceries. When I come back I notice that he has moved from couch to the bed.

I go in and coldly say, " I see you finally decided to come to bed."

He asks me where I was and I say I went to get food. I am annoyed that he is trying to ignore everything that happened last night. I then say coldly, " do you have something you want to say to me?"

He raises his voice, "do YOU have something to say to me?"

I stare at him amazed that he can turn this around. I ignore him and reference his mean words to me last night. He says he doesn't want to talk to me because I am "impossible and always angry." He gets up and walks to the bathroom. "Don't walk away," I say but he keeps walking away and then goes into the bathroom. I walk up to him and hold open the door and say angrily, " You can't keep ignoring me!"

He yells at me, "LEAVE ME ALONE!" and slams the bathroom door and pushes me away by doing so.

"STOP YELLING AT ME!"

I yell back.


He now left to grab lunch. I have no idea what is going on.

Great start! Bravo.

DP.. I think anyone would be angry and respond coldly. She has no idea what's going on and is trying to get him to talk to her. He's behaving like a child by not communicating what exactly the problem is. Yes, both sides should calm down, but I don't think she needs to be apologetic when she has no idea what she should be apologizing for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And yelled at me and went to sleep in the living room.

It started because he came home late after hanging out with his family and said he wishes he could be himself around me and that I am too serious and practical. He doesn’t feel respected or liked.

I told him that’s not true and that of course I like him very much.

He said no you don’t.

I started crying. He turned around from me in bed and tried to go to sleep. I judged him awake saying he can’t drop a bomb on me and go to sleep. I feel terrible that he feels that way. He tells me to stop it. I start crying and say I need him to tell me everything is ok. He yells at me to leave him alone. He jumps out of bed tells me I’m a nightmare and a monster and goes to sleep in the living room.

I am awake now and don’t know how to approach him. What should I do?

Sometimes men just feel this way. Still, it's worth listening to without going itno a sad and crying mode, or asking him "what's wrong"?