Husband said I was a monster last night

[Anonymous]

Do you have an update, OP?

If I were you, I would just leave him alone. And talk to him when he’s ready.

Do something for yourself today if you can.

[Anonymous]

Posters who are criticizing OP are trolls, or didn’t read correctly.

There is no way any of you (man or woman) wouldn’t have felt unjustly attacked if your spouse had dropped such nasty accusations before going to bed without even discussing it.

This is not a man vs woman thing. It’s about fighting honorably, and communicating with respect.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I went and got breakfast and groceries. When I come back I notice that he has moved from couch to the bed.

I go in and coldly say, " I see you finally decided to come to bed."

He asks me where I was and I say I went to get food. I am annoyed that he is trying to ignore everything that happened last night. I then say coldly, " do you have something you want to say to me?"

He raises his voice, "do YOU have something to say to me?"

I stare at him amazed that he can turn this around. I ignore him and reference his mean words to me last night. He says he doesn't want to talk to me because I am "impossible and always angry." He gets up and walks to the bathroom. "Don't walk away," I say but he keeps walking away and then goes into the bathroom. I walk up to him and hold open the door and say angrily, " You can't keep ignoring me!"

He yells at me, "LEAVE ME ALONE!" and slams the bathroom door and pushes me away by doing so.

"STOP YELLING AT ME!"

I yell back.


He now left to grab lunch. I have no idea what is going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And yelled at me and went to sleep in the living room.

It started because he came home late after hanging out with his family and said he wishes he could be himself around me and that I am too serious and practical. He doesn’t feel respected or liked.

***Here you could do a couple of things. If he was sober and alert, you could say, I'd like to hear more about what I do that causes you to feel that way. If he was too wiped out to have a serious conversation, you could say, I'm sorry you feel that way. We can talk more tomorrow.

I told him that’s not true and that of course I like him very much.

*** Not your intention, I know, but you've basically just cut him off and told him to shut up.

He said no you don’t.

*** He's not explaining himself. He's shutting down the conversation, too.

I started crying. He turned around from me in bed and tried to go to sleep. I judged him awake saying he can’t drop a bomb on me and go to sleep. I feel terrible that he feels that way. He tells me to stop it. I start crying and say I need him to tell me everything is ok. He yells at me to leave him alone. He jumps out of bed tells me I’m a nightmare and a monster and goes to sleep in the living room.

***Now he's lost it and behaving very badly.

I am awake now and don’t know how to approach him. What should I do?

Tell him you need to talk. You're hurt by his angry words and behavior, but you also want to hear more about what prompted his first comments. In this conversation, no one gets to call names, Just talk about his/her experience and ask questions.

[Anonymous]

Op, your feelings are valid. But your husband is in a bad mood. Stop picking at the scab. Ignore him. Go out and do something fun. He’s acting like a toddler. My DH acts the same way. I ignore him and he cools down and we talk it out. I hate how he acts. I hate him during those times and have lost respect for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I went and got breakfast and groceries. When I come back I notice that he has moved from couch to the bed.

I go in and coldly say, " I see you finally decided to come to bed."

He asks me where I was and I say I went to get food. I am annoyed that he is trying to ignore everything that happened last night. I then say coldly, " do you have something you want to say to me?"

He raises his voice, "do YOU have something to say to me?"

I stare at him amazed that he can turn this around. I ignore him and reference his mean words to me last night. He says he doesn't want to talk to me because I am "impossible and always angry." He gets up and walks to the bathroom. "Don't walk away," I say but he keeps walking away and then goes into the bathroom. I walk up to him and hold open the door and say angrily, " You can't keep ignoring me!"

He yells at me, "LEAVE ME ALONE!" and slams the bathroom door and pushes me away by doing so.

"STOP YELLING AT ME!"

I yell back.


He now left to grab lunch. I have no idea what is going on.

Oh dear. I know you're hurt, but you just re-picked the fight. Calm and respectful communication is needed. If both of you are interested in preserving the relationship, find a therapist who can help both of you do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I went and got breakfast and groceries. When I come back I notice that he has moved from couch to the bed.

I go in and coldly say, " I see you finally decided to come to bed."

He asks me where I was and I say I went to get food. I am annoyed that he is trying to ignore everything that happened last night. I then say coldly, " do you have something you want to say to me?"

He raises his voice, "do YOU have something to say to me?"

I stare at him amazed that he can turn this around. I ignore him and reference his mean words to me last night. He says he doesn't want to talk to me because I am "impossible and always angry." He gets up and walks to the bathroom. "Don't walk away," I say but he keeps walking away and then goes into the bathroom. I walk up to him and hold open the door and say angrily, " You can't keep ignoring me!"

He yells at me, "LEAVE ME ALONE!" and slams the bathroom door and pushes me away by doing so.

"STOP YELLING AT ME!"

I yell back.


He now left to grab lunch. I have no idea what is going on.

Oh lord. OK, so I've been sort of defending you - still will, no one calls someone a nightmare and a monster without repercussions, but holy hell, that was not a good opening OP. At the end of the day, your husband called you a monster and a nightmare. You need to get to the bottom of that and uncover where that came from, knowing you're going to have to listen to his feelings on the subject. But he's still acting like a child. You've got your hands full with that one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a different take on this. He's upset and your focus is "make me feel better" and "I'm going to guilt you by crying". The whole "can't be himself around you" makes it sound like he constantly has to walk on eggshells around you because you're so fragile and he's constantly having to pick you up and make you feel better. And he never gets to talk about his real feelings. It's an exhausting way to live.

+1

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you both need some better communication skills. Yes, he's not communicating very well with you, regarding what happened yesterday. But then this morning you go in with the passive-aggressive/snarky "I see you finally decided to come to bed." You're not helping the situation either here, OP.

If this is how you guys deal with each other regularly, you both probably need some professional help on how to interact in a more healthy manner.

[Anonymous]

I’m not OP but I just want to point out that for most of us, crying is just a physiological response. There is no choice in the matter, so it can’t be manipulative. At least I could not physically force myself to cry. I guess there are actors who can, but I don’t think it’s normal. If she is crying, she is genuinely experiencing those feelings. It doesn’t mean she’s always right, and of course she could hide the crying or try to explain it to him in a kinder way. But a man who becomes furious *because* his wife is crying sounds like someone who is feeling guilty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a different take on this. He's upset and your focus is "make me feel better" and "I'm going to guilt you by crying". The whole "can't be himself around you" makes it sound like he constantly has to walk on eggshells around you because you're so fragile and he's constantly having to pick you up and make you feel better. And he never gets to talk about his real feelings. It's an exhausting way to live.

+1

OP here. I see your point and picked up on that too. However the name calling and aggression is NOT the way to communicate. I feel really sad and guilty that he feels that he cannot be himself around me. I implored him to tell me this morning but he shut me out, wanting instead to villanize me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not OP but I just want to point out that for most of us, crying is just a physiological response. There is no choice in the matter, so it can’t be manipulative. At least I could not physically force myself to cry. I guess there are actors who can, but I don’t think it’s normal. If she is crying, she is genuinely experiencing those feelings. It doesn’t mean she’s always right, and of course she could hide the crying or try to explain it to him in a kinder way. But a man who becomes furious *because* his wife is crying sounds like someone who is feeling guilty.

OP here. I have always been a cryer. I don't understand the accusations that I am crying to be manipulative...I cried because I felt really sad that he feels the way he does. I also cried because he was being cruel by calling me names and yelling at me. Another reason I cried was because I felt scared that he isn't happy with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a different take on this. He's upset and your focus is "make me feel better" and "I'm going to guilt you by crying". The whole "can't be himself around you" makes it sound like he constantly has to walk on eggshells around you because you're so fragile and he's constantly having to pick you up and make you feel better. And he never gets to talk about his real feelings. It's an exhausting way to live.

+1

OP here. I see your point and picked up on that too. However the name calling and aggression is NOT the way to communicate. I feel really sad and guilty that he feels that he cannot be himself around me. I implored him to tell me this morning but he shut me out, wanting instead to villanize me.

Yes, this is what makes communication so very hard. You're villainizing yourself b/c of this, but it's extremely important that you find out more about what he's feeling.

[Anonymous]

When you both non defensive and calm, maybe you can say something in the spirit of, "I know I was angry and demanding in that moment.I'm sorry I could not make room for you but I felt really hurt by what you said but also afraid: that you don't want me anymore, that you are deeply unhappy and that you want to leave me". Because I suspect this is your fear? and he may not realize the impact of what he said. Or he may feel the same, afraid and yes, maybe projected it. Therapy can help. You're both reactive

[Anonymous]

I don't have a problem with the crying, but holy hell you guys are awful at fighting. Just mean and rude and doing your BEST to hurt each other.