Husband said I was a monster last night

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He told you how he FELT. You invalidated his feelings. When someone tells you how they feel, you don't get to say that isn't true. It is true to him and you can't say it isn't.

You should be concerned with why he feels this way? What makes him feel that way? You don't care about how he feels at all. Instead you tell him he needs to make you feel okay. Again, it is 100% about you. You turn on the tears and try and guilt and manipulate him into denying his own feelings so that you can feel better.

You sound like a narcissist or an incredibly self centered manipulative person. You don't seem to be able to see or care about how he feels or his needs or even listen to what he is telling you.

You should start by apologizing for invalidating him. You should ask and be open to hearing what has made him feel that way. You should be committed to working on those things. You should go to therapy.

No. Op is the woman, she is right. Guys are always evil and wrong. Didn't you get the memo?

[Anonymous]

Also wondering if drinking involved, in which case I would talk about it when sober. Important to understand better what he means in a deeper way no? Revisit when you can take it in. When he said is only a beginning for both of you in understanding. It's about the I feel for you because it can hurt. He drops a statement but then does not expand. It feels like a "drive by" as our former therapist said. Stay calm, curious, seek to understand. You dont have to agree. Listen, clarify, try to hear him.

[Anonymous]

You should apologize for making his sadness about YOU.

[Anonymous]

Pp, I meant to just say it is not only about the content of what was said, but also the process between the two of you. You may have to learn to soothe yourself better when you are hurt, so you can listen. He may need to realize his behavior was hurtful (the yelling) and clean that up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have kids?

If not, this is time to start planning your exit so don’t get pregnant!

If you have kids, still start planning your exit, but you need to be more strategic about it.

Either way, this isn’t going to get better. He spent the day out with his family and now thinks you are mean. Translation: He’s a princeling in their eyes and they don’t like you.

Welcome to DCUM. One argument and time to pack your bags.

Why not? Life is too short to be miserable in your own home.

[Anonymous]

My husband told me this last year. So I listened. It turned out his feelings were a litany of criticisms of our lives together, including my appearance, job, and what we do on date nights. Whatever. What was happening was he didn't have any friends, so the kinds of things you should say to your buddy about, like, how you miss the body your wife had at 24, he instead felt like he should be able to say to me. Well, he's said them now. I think he wishes he didn't. (I weigh the same as pre baby, but it looks different. My job is great and I earn as much as he does, but he apparently thought I'd do better. Maybe our date nights did really suck, but I enjoyed them.)

[Anonymous]

Was "hanging out with his family" meaning that he went out for a birthday brunch?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband told me this last year. So I listened. It turned out his feelings were a litany of criticisms of our lives together, including my appearance, job, and what we do on date nights. Whatever. What was happening was he didn't have any friends, so the kinds of things you should say to your buddy about, like, how you miss the body your wife had at 24, he instead felt like he should be able to say to me. Well, he's said them now. I think he wishes he didn't. (I weigh the same as pre baby, but it looks different. My job is great and I earn as much as he does, but he apparently thought I'd do better. Maybe our date nights did really suck, but I enjoyed them.)

How do you move forward from that? You must truly love the guy and/or have a very strong sense of self.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He told you how he FELT. You invalidated his feelings. When someone tells you how they feel, you don't get to say that isn't true. It is true to him and you can't say it isn't.

You should be concerned with why he feels this way? What makes him feel that way? You don't care about how he feels at all. Instead you tell him he needs to make you feel okay. Again, it is 100% about you. You turn on the tears and try and guilt and manipulate him into denying his own feelings so that you can feel better.

You sound like a narcissist or an incredibly self centered manipulative person. You don't seem to be able to see or care about how he feels or his needs or even listen to what he is telling you.

You should start by apologizing for invalidating him. You should ask and be open to hearing what has made him feel that way. You should be committed to working on those things. You should go to therapy.

No. Op is the woman, she is right. Guys are always evil and wrong. Didn't you get the memo?

BS. In what universe is calling someone a monster and a nightmare telling someone how they FEEL?? That's unacceptable on any level, by any person. That is evil and wrong, full stop.

[Anonymous]

Op, why couldn't you have talked about what he said? About why he said it?

Today, apologize for dismissing him and turning it into something about you.

Then ask him to explain, and actually listen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He told you how he FELT. You invalidated his feelings. When someone tells you how they feel, you don't get to say that isn't true. It is true to him and you can't say it isn't.

You should be concerned with why he feels this way? What makes him feel that way? You don't care about how he feels at all. Instead you tell him he needs to make you feel okay. Again, it is 100% about you. You turn on the tears and try and guilt and manipulate him into denying his own feelings so that you can feel better.

You sound like a narcissist or an incredibly self centered manipulative person. You don't seem to be able to see or care about how he feels or his needs or even listen to what he is telling you.

You should start by apologizing for invalidating him. You should ask and be open to hearing what has made him feel that way. You should be committed to working on those things. You should go to therapy.

No. Op is the woman, she is right. Guys are always evil and wrong. Didn't you get the memo?

BS. In what universe is calling someone a monster and a nightmare telling someone how they FEEL?? That's unacceptable on any level, by any person. That is evil and wrong, full stop.

He did tell her how he felt. She dismissed him and turned it into something about herself. (Nudging him to tell her it was all ok). Then he snapped. I get it. I've been in that situation too and there is only so much selfishness and dismissiveness you can take before you snap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He told you how he FELT. You invalidated his feelings. When someone tells you how they feel, you don't get to say that isn't true. It is true to him and you can't say it isn't.

You should be concerned with why he feels this way? What makes him feel that way? You don't care about how he feels at all. Instead you tell him he needs to make you feel okay. Again, it is 100% about you. You turn on the tears and try and guilt and manipulate him into denying his own feelings so that you can feel better.

You sound like a narcissist or an incredibly self centered manipulative person. You don't seem to be able to see or care about how he feels or his needs or even listen to what he is telling you.

You should start by apologizing for invalidating him. You should ask and be open to hearing what has made him feel that way. You should be committed to working on those things. You should go to therapy.

No, because he came home LATE and, interestingly, after a night with his family. Was that just a visit or was there more to it? Because it's really bad behavior to, as OP said, drop a bomb after coming home late at night. That's not how you share your feelings with your spouse seeking validation. PP shouldn't have to turn herself into his therapist when it's time to go to sleep. Having something like what OP's husband threw in her face given time and place, it's not surprising OP was upset and reacted the way she did.

Hope today is a new day. Hope he apologizes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And yelled at me and went to sleep in the living room.

It started because he came home late after hanging out with his family and said he wishes he could be himself around me and that I am too serious and practical. He doesn’t feel respected or liked.

I told him that’s not true and that of course I like him very much.

He said no you don’t.

I started crying. He turned around from me in bed and tried to go to sleep. I judged him awake saying he can’t drop a bomb on me and go to sleep. I feel terrible that he feels that way. He tells me to stop it. I start crying and say I need him to tell me everything is ok. He yells at me to leave him alone. He jumps out of bed tells me I’m a nightmare and a monster and goes to sleep in the living room.

I am awake now and don’t know how to approach him. What should I do?

There's your first mistake. You should apologize for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He told you how he FELT. You invalidated his feelings. When someone tells you how they feel, you don't get to say that isn't true. It is true to him and you can't say it isn't.

You should be concerned with why he feels this way? What makes him feel that way? You don't care about how he feels at all. Instead you tell him he needs to make you feel okay. Again, it is 100% about you. You turn on the tears and try and guilt and manipulate him into denying his own feelings so that you can feel better.

You sound like a narcissist or an incredibly self centered manipulative person. You don't seem to be able to see or care about how he feels or his needs or even listen to what he is telling you.

You should start by apologizing for invalidating him. You should ask and be open to hearing what has made him feel that way. You should be committed to working on those things. You should go to therapy.

No. Op is the woman, she is right. Guys are always evil and wrong. Didn't you get the memo?

BS. In what universe is calling someone a monster and a nightmare telling someone how they FEEL?? That's unacceptable on any level, by any person. That is evil and wrong, full stop.

He did tell her how he felt. She dismissed him and turned it into something about herself. (Nudging him to tell her it was all ok). Then he snapped. I get it. I've been in that situation too and there is only so much selfishness and dismissiveness you can take before you snap.

What sounds selfish is dropping that bomb with no real effort at discussion. You can't bring that crap up right before you go to sleep. That's manipulative beyond belief. That was no real attempt, by the sound of it, to have an actual discussion, it was a drive-by. She called him out on it. THEN he snapped. Nice try. He's wrong. She may not be innocent, but he's wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He told you how he FELT. You invalidated his feelings. When someone tells you how they feel, you don't get to say that isn't true. It is true to him and you can't say it isn't.

You should be concerned with why he feels this way? What makes him feel that way? You don't care about how he feels at all. Instead you tell him he needs to make you feel okay. Again, it is 100% about you. You turn on the tears and try and guilt and manipulate him into denying his own feelings so that you can feel better.

You sound like a narcissist or an incredibly self centered manipulative person. You don't seem to be able to see or care about how he feels or his needs or even listen to what he is telling you.

You should start by apologizing for invalidating him. You should ask and be open to hearing what has made him feel that way. You should be committed to working on those things. You should go to therapy.

Not sure about the narcissist part (not enough info) but agree with the rest of this.