Husband said I was a monster last night

[Anonymous]

Did you celebrate Father's Day with him?

[Anonymous]

You are definitely the problem OP.

Instead of being cold and angry this morning - you should have apologized for not hearing what he was telling you and validating his feelings about feeling like he can't be himself and not feeling respected.

You are angry, he tries to walk away, you follow him and hold the bathroom door open....all wrong moves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I went and got breakfast and groceries. When I come back I notice that he has moved from couch to the bed.

I go in and coldly say, " I see you finally decided to come to bed."

He asks me where I was and I say I went to get food. I am annoyed that he is trying to ignore everything that happened last night. I then say coldly, " do you have something you want to say to me?"

He raises his voice, "do YOU have something to say to me?"

I stare at him amazed that he can turn this around. I ignore him and reference his mean words to me last night. He says he doesn't want to talk to me because I am "impossible and always angry." He gets up and walks to the bathroom. "Don't walk away," I say but he keeps walking away and then goes into the bathroom. I walk up to him and hold open the door and say angrily, " You can't keep ignoring me!"

He yells at me, "LEAVE ME ALONE!" and slams the bathroom door and pushes me away by doing so.

"STOP YELLING AT ME!"

I yell back.


He now left to grab lunch. I have no idea what is going on.

Great start! Bravo.

DP.. I think anyone would be angry and respond coldly. She has no idea what's going on and is trying to get him to talk to her. He's behaving like a child by not communicating what exactly the problem is. Yes, both sides should calm down, but I don't think she needs to be apologetic when she has no idea what she should be apologizing for.

NP. If she's trying to get him to talk to her, why on earth would she open like that? Way to poison the "conversation" (if it can even be called that) from the get-go. She doesn't have to be apologetic, just say in a neutral tone that you are concerned about what he said last night and want to know what's bothering him. And then listen to what he says without constant sniping and contradicting.

This honestly reads like a bad novel from an airport newsstand. How do you seriously not see anything wrong from your side of the interaction after writing all that out? Yeah, he's not communicating well either, but you can only control one of you. It sounds like this has been building for awhile and he's finally exploded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: You are definitely the problem OP.

Instead of being cold and angry this morning - you should have apologized for not hearing what he was telling you and validating his feelings about feeling like he can't be himself and not feeling respected.

You are angry, he tries to walk away, you follow him and hold the bathroom door open....all wrong moves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not OP but I just want to point out that for most of us, crying is just a physiological response. There is no choice in the matter, so it can’t be manipulative. At least I could not physically force myself to cry. I guess there are actors who can, but I don’t think it’s normal. If she is crying, she is genuinely experiencing those feelings. It doesn’t mean she’s always right, and of course she could hide the crying or try to explain it to him in a kinder way. But a man who becomes furious *because* his wife is crying sounds like someone who is feeling guilty.

By the time you are an adult, you should have learned basic emotional regulation. Unless you also cry out in public and cry at work and cry all the time, you can control it. And if you are crying all the time with no control- you should seek professional help. Saying you can't control crying is like saying you can't control yelling - that physiologically when angry, your voice raises. And her feelings are irrelevant at the moment her husband is trying to tell her how he feels. Saying - but waaahhhhh - look at me crying, look at my feelings - poor me - I am such a say crying woman with all these sad feelings - waaahhhhh - make me feel okay you are responsible for my happiness and emotional regulation and bad you for making me feel sad and making me cry - waaaaahhhhhh - when someone tries to tell you how they feel is manipulative.

I’m not her... but the situation she describes here is much more emotionally fraught than “crying out in public” or crying at work, as you say. I have no idea how often the OP cries, but I think it’s a pretty reasonable reaction to being told by your husband that he hates you. If it were me, I would be crying because it’s essentially the end of my marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a different take on this. He's upset and your focus is "make me feel better" and "I'm going to guilt you by crying". The whole "can't be himself around you" makes it sound like he constantly has to walk on eggshells around you because you're so fragile and he's constantly having to pick you up and make you feel better. And he never gets to talk about his real feelings. It's an exhausting way to live.

+1

OP here. I see your point and picked up on that too. However the name calling and aggression is NOT the way to communicate. I feel really sad and guilty that he feels that he cannot be himself around me. I implored him to tell me this morning but he shut me out, wanting instead to villanize me.

Do you think the conversation you described above was you “imploring” him to tell you what’s wrong?

It sounded to me like you (OP) expected him to apologize or were demanding for him to speak to tell him he was wrong about his feelings. If that was you definition of implore you aren’t being honest about your contribution to the unhealthy dynamic. In the book “7 habits of Highly Effective People” there is advice to Seek first to understand, then to be understood. If you were doing that you would start with admitting that you didn’t hear him out and got caught up in your own fears. You want to understand why does he feel that way. Then listen without defending yourself or reacting. You almost need to separate yourself and focus 100% on what the person is saying. Later on when you are away from the situation you can analyze what it means, if you want to change anything etc., but in that moment, be in the moment and listen.

[Anonymous]

Well you did what you did so it's a mess now. You could have come in this morning and said, "hey can we talk about last night? it got heated but I want to make things right with us." You chose to be cold and push doors open and yell so deal with that mess now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you ARE the monster

OP needs everyone (including her husband) to make her 'feel better'. This is not helping.

My mom was like OP. Which is maybe why I'm sympathetic to her husband. It's utterly exhausting to never be able to share your own feelings or be yourself because the other person constantly turns it into them. Even when I had a valid reason to be upset about something my mom said or did, I was always apologizing for upsetting her. I never got my own feelings validated. And that led me to snap, more than once. Because it builds up and builds up, and then they start crying (because it's their way of guilting you) and that sound just makes you lose it. It's miserable. My mom has thankfully gotten some help and has improved. But if that's what OP is like,. I get why her DH acted the way he did.

Yes. This. I love my mom and we have grown a lot now that I’m an adult but she was always the same way. She will criticize whoever she wants, all day long, but the moment anyone said a word that hurt her feelings or displeased her, it was turned on that person. You were the bad guy. We did have to walk on eggshells. Because we would get criticized and had to keep it inside. We couldn’t say much back to her in defense or point out a flaw of hers.

I suspect OP is much the same way, and the husband had it and the alcohol finally gave him the balls to clap back. Good for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not OP but I just want to point out that for most of us, crying is just a physiological response. There is no choice in the matter, so it can’t be manipulative. At least I could not physically force myself to cry. I guess there are actors who can, but I don’t think it’s normal. If she is crying, she is genuinely experiencing those feelings. It doesn’t mean she’s always right, and of course she could hide the crying or try to explain it to him in a kinder way. But a man who becomes furious *because* his wife is crying sounds like someone who is feeling guilty.

By the time you are an adult, you should have learned basic emotional regulation. Unless you also cry out in public and cry at work and cry all the time, you can control it. And if you are crying all the time with no control- you should seek professional help. Saying you can't control crying is like saying you can't control yelling - that physiologically when angry, your voice raises. And her feelings are irrelevant at the moment her husband is trying to tell her how he feels. Saying - but waaahhhhh - look at me crying, look at my feelings - poor me - I am such a say crying woman with all these sad feelings - waaahhhhh - make me feel okay you are responsible for my happiness and emotional regulation and bad you for making me feel sad and making me cry - waaaaahhhhhh - when someone tries to tell you how they feel is manipulative.

I’m not her... but the situation she describes here is much more emotionally fraught than “crying out in public” or crying at work, as you say. I have no idea how often the OP cries, but I think it’s a pretty reasonable reaction to being told by your husband that he hates you. If it were me, I would be crying because it’s essentially the end of my marriage.

He didn't tell her he hated her. He told her he didn't feel he could be himself and that he didn't feel respected or liked by her. Nothing in that says he hates her. She was then angry and crying and who knows what transpired that led to him saying she was a monster / nightmare. She was crying because he dared to express his own feelings and she was mad it wasn't all about her so she cried to get the attention and focus back on her and then he got annoyed / frustrated.

[Anonymous]

OP, you’ve got to give him space, a lot of space. He can’t stand you when you’re mean and sarcastic (even if it’s in response to his behavior). The way you approached him this morning doesn’t work with him, clearly.

When you see him, be courteous and go about your day. Let him come to you and act calm and collected when he does.

Read about feminine energy, I really think it could help you a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was "hanging out with his family" meaning that he went out for a birthday brunch?

Is he a Gemini man?

[Anonymous]

OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you ARE the monster

Ding, ding, ding, we have a winner here!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I went and got breakfast and groceries. When I come back I notice that he has moved from couch to the bed.

I go in and coldly say, " I see you finally decided to come to bed."

He asks me where I was and I say I went to get food. I am annoyed that he is trying to ignore everything that happened last night. I then say coldly, " do you have something you want to say to me?"

He raises his voice, "do YOU have something to say to me?"

I stare at him amazed that he can turn this around. I ignore him and reference his mean words to me last night. He says he doesn't want to talk to me because I am "impossible and always angry." He gets up and walks to the bathroom. "Don't walk away," I say but he keeps walking away and then goes into the bathroom. I walk up to him and hold open the door and say angrily, " You can't keep ignoring me!"

He yells at me, "LEAVE ME ALONE!" and slams the bathroom door and pushes me away by doing so.

"STOP YELLING AT ME!"

I yell back.


He now left to grab lunch. I have no idea what is going on.

How old are you? You’re married? You sound 13. Good luck w life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He told you how he FELT. You invalidated his feelings. When someone tells you how they feel, you don't get to say that isn't true. It is true to him and you can't say it isn't.

You should be concerned with why he feels this way? What makes him feel that way? You don't care about how he feels at all. Instead you tell him he needs to make you feel okay. Again, it is 100% about you. You turn on the tears and try and guilt and manipulate him into denying his own feelings so that you can feel better.

You sound like a narcissist or an incredibly self centered manipulative person. You don't seem to be able to see or care about how he feels or his needs or even listen to what he is telling you.

You should start by apologizing for invalidating him. You should ask and be open to hearing what has made him feel that way. You should be committed to working on those things. You should go to therapy.

Name calling
Yelling
Running off after making accusations

That is not telling your feelings.

He sounds verbally abusive. Has he flared up before? What is he so stressed out about?