My husband always lets us down

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you drive OP? I think the fact that you don't have your own car to drive yourself, whenever you want, wherever you want is factoring in here. You are setting yourself-up to have less power in this relationship.

Are you also a SAHM in addition to not driving? I’m sending a very imbalanced power dynamic that leads him to believe he can do whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you drive OP? I think the fact that you don't have your own car to drive yourself, whenever you want, wherever you want is factoring in here. You are setting yourself-up to have less power in this relationship.

Are you also a SAHM in addition to not driving? I’m sending a very imbalanced power dynamic that leads him to believe he can do whatever.

+1

That was my initial thought. My second thought is that he has a girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

I would seriously be concerned about an affair. If you are a SAH, I would start pulling money and put it into your own name to make sure you have money as a back up plan if you don't have your own savings.

I would get your drivers license - take a course and lessons if he will not teach you and get a car for yourself. Don't keep relying on him when you clearly cannot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you drive OP? I think the fact that you don't have your own car to drive yourself, whenever you want, wherever you want is factoring in here. You are setting yourself-up to have less power in this relationship.

Are you also a SAHM in addition to not driving? I’m sending a very imbalanced power dynamic that leads him to believe he can do whatever.

Yes- I'm curious about this too. OP, I have been on both ends of this-- DH and I are introverts and don't enjoy a lot of scheduling during our down time. I recall after a long week of work and my son was young, spending a little too long at the coffee shop or grocery store. I felt exhausted and scheduled all the time--DH felt the same way which is probably why we have only one child.
I don't know your DH's motivations- he might be selfish and immature or he may need more downtime- and he takes it one way or another. Can you talk with him--let him know how you feel, but also let him know you appreciate the things he does do, and what would make a good compromise? If he's truly selfish, he'll get defensive, blame you for being too demanding or fail to stick with any mutually agreed upon compromise.
FWIW, this is a very common issue in a marriage with young children. Plenty of spouses have taken up distance running, cycling, golf, workaholic behaviors, etc. The toddler and early preschool years are the most labor intensive imo. Kids are mobile, no judgement, heavily scheduled, and often, high drama.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a huge jerk. My husband would never ever do this. Your kids are only little once. He had years before this to do whatever he wanted on the weekends, and in the blink of an eye he’ll have his weekends free again for the rest of his life. If you haven’t told him this is a problem, then you need to. If he refuses to accept it, then I don’t know.... he sounds like a really bad husband/father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you drive OP? I think the fact that you don't have your own car to drive yourself, whenever you want, wherever you want is factoring in here. You are setting yourself-up to have less power in this relationship.

Are you also a SAHM in addition to not driving? I’m sending a very imbalanced power dynamic that leads him to believe he can do whatever.

Op here. I drive. We have 1 car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Bob, if you go to your friend’s house, we’ll miss out on our plan to go to the zoo. I don’t want to hang out on the Mall. This is exactly what I’m referring to when I say that you’re skipping out on family time. What gives?”

OP here. I said this and he decided to leave anyway. Says he's coming back after an hour. The 15 minutes becoame an hour. See how this works?

The second he comes back, I’d be out the door and wouldn’t be back until well after dinner. Let him have hi family time taking care of his son. Go enjoy this beautiful afternoon, OP. Take yourself out to dinner. Think through whether you want to continue with this.

My son would end up spending this beautiful day watching TV for hours if I did this. Most likely I will take Uber to the mall with ds. Yesterday we were supposed to watch a movie together and DH decided it was the perfect time to install a light fixture instead. He was making loud noise in the same room.

And there it is. You’re moving into martyr mode. So what if your kid is in front of a tv on a random Saturday? Your marriage is on the line and you have an opportunity to do something different: leave for the day. Instead you’re making excuses so you can sit and be the victim. Again, your kid will be fine. Let him spend all afternoon and evening with his other parent. Repeat again for tomorrow. One more time: YOUR KID WILL BE FINE. The question is whether you have the guts to take time and space for yourself.

Op here. The mall is easier for several reasons. We can grab lunch, play at the playground and diaper changes are easier. Sure my son will be fine but I don't want him spending hours watching TV. I actually enjoy watching him play.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Bob, if you go to your friend’s house, we’ll miss out on our plan to go to the zoo. I don’t want to hang out on the Mall. This is exactly what I’m referring to when I say that you’re skipping out on family time. What gives?”

OP here. I said this and he decided to leave anyway. Says he's coming back after an hour. The 15 minutes becoame an hour. See how this works?

The second he comes back, I’d be out the door and wouldn’t be back until well after dinner. Let him have hi family time taking care of his son. Go enjoy this beautiful afternoon, OP. Take yourself out to dinner. Think through whether you want to continue with this.

My son would end up spending this beautiful day watching TV for hours if I did this. Most likely I will take Uber to the mall with ds. Yesterday we were supposed to watch a movie together and DH decided it was the perfect time to install a light fixture instead. He was making loud noise in the same room.

And there it is. You’re moving into martyr mode. So what if your kid is in front of a tv on a random Saturday? Your marriage is on the line and you have an opportunity to do something different: leave for the day. Instead you’re making excuses so you can sit and be the victim. Again, your kid will be fine. Let him spend all afternoon and evening with his other parent. Repeat again for tomorrow. One more time: YOUR KID WILL BE FINE. The question is whether you have the guts to take time and space for yourself.

Op here. The mall is easier for several reasons. We can grab lunch, play at the playground and diaper changes are easier. Sure my son will be fine but I don't want him spending hours watching TV. I actually enjoy watching him play.

NP no one is recommending this for the longterm, I think PP is saying FOR THIS WEEKEND, let your son stay with his dad and you go do your own thing and if he watches TV fro a day or two, it won't kill him but your taking the same time for yourself that your DH takes without regard for you and your kid may make him rethink the situation. Or not. But if you are determined to whine about this but do nothing then have at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Bob, if you go to your friend’s house, we’ll miss out on our plan to go to the zoo. I don’t want to hang out on the Mall. This is exactly what I’m referring to when I say that you’re skipping out on family time. What gives?”

OP here. I said this and he decided to leave anyway. Says he's coming back after an hour. The 15 minutes becoame an hour. See how this works?

The second he comes back, I’d be out the door and wouldn’t be back until well after dinner. Let him have hi family time taking care of his son. Go enjoy this beautiful afternoon, OP. Take yourself out to dinner. Think through whether you want to continue with this.

My son would end up spending this beautiful day watching TV for hours if I did this. Most likely I will take Uber to the mall with ds. Yesterday we were supposed to watch a movie together and DH decided it was the perfect time to install a light fixture instead. He was making loud noise in the same room.

And there it is. You’re moving into martyr mode. So what if your kid is in front of a tv on a random Saturday? Your marriage is on the line and you have an opportunity to do something different: leave for the day. Instead you’re making excuses so you can sit and be the victim. Again, your kid will be fine. Let him spend all afternoon and evening with his other parent. Repeat again for tomorrow. One more time: YOUR KID WILL BE FINE. The question is whether you have the guts to take time and space for yourself.

Op here. The mall is easier for several reasons. We can grab lunch, play at the playground and diaper changes are easier. Sure my son will be fine but I don't want him spending hours watching TV. I actually enjoy watching him play.

OP again: I am pregnant. Being out in public is not what I enjoy right now. It doesn't help me relax. I'd much rather be at home.

[Anonymous]

Sounds to me like this guy picked you to marry because he figured out early that he could do whatever he wants and you would pretty much let him. He may not have anticipated how much nagging and frustration he would be causing and therefore have to deal with. So because of that your marriage will gradually get worse and worse.

People treat you however you let them.

I would have gone out to the car and said loud enough for his parent to hear "I fixed a big breakfast, come in and eat it now so we can talk about our plans for the day."

Then I would have insisted he follow through on initial plans to go to the zoo. If he insisted on going to see friend's house, I would have taken the kid and gone to the zoo, even if by Uber. While there I would have 1)enjoyed my kids and the day and 2)Thought about how long I was going to put up with this shit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Bob, if you go to your friend’s house, we’ll miss out on our plan to go to the zoo. I don’t want to hang out on the Mall. This is exactly what I’m referring to when I say that you’re skipping out on family time. What gives?”

OP here. I said this and he decided to leave anyway. Says he's coming back after an hour. The 15 minutes becoame an hour. See how this works?

The second he comes back, I’d be out the door and wouldn’t be back until well after dinner. Let him have hi family time taking care of his son. Go enjoy this beautiful afternoon, OP. Take yourself out to dinner. Think through whether you want to continue with this.

My son would end up spending this beautiful day watching TV for hours if I did this. Most likely I will take Uber to the mall with ds. Yesterday we were supposed to watch a movie together and DH decided it was the perfect time to install a light fixture instead. He was making loud noise in the same room.

And there it is. You’re moving into martyr mode. So what if your kid is in front of a tv on a random Saturday? Your marriage is on the line and you have an opportunity to do something different: leave for the day. Instead you’re making excuses so you can sit and be the victim. Again, your kid will be fine. Let him spend all afternoon and evening with his other parent. Repeat again for tomorrow. One more time: YOUR KID WILL BE FINE. The question is whether you have the guts to take time and space for yourself.

Op here. The mall is easier for several reasons. We can grab lunch, play at the playground and diaper changes are easier. Sure my son will be fine but I don't want him spending hours watching TV. I actually enjoy watching him play.

NP no one is recommending this for the longterm, I think PP is saying FOR THIS WEEKEND, let your son stay with his dad and you go do your own thing and if he watches TV fro a day or two, it won't kill him but your taking the same time for yourself that your DH takes without regard for you and your kid may make him rethink the situation. Or not. But if you are determined to whine about this but do nothing then have at it.

I have done this before and it doesn't work. If I were not pregnant I would leave in a heartbeat but everything is a lot harder right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Bob, if you go to your friend’s house, we’ll miss out on our plan to go to the zoo. I don’t want to hang out on the Mall. This is exactly what I’m referring to when I say that you’re skipping out on family time. What gives?”

OP here. I said this and he decided to leave anyway. Says he's coming back after an hour. The 15 minutes becoame an hour. See how this works?

The second he comes back, I’d be out the door and wouldn’t be back until well after dinner. Let him have hi family time taking care of his son. Go enjoy this beautiful afternoon, OP. Take yourself out to dinner. Think through whether you want to continue with this.

My son would end up spending this beautiful day watching TV for hours if I did this. Most likely I will take Uber to the mall with ds. Yesterday we were supposed to watch a movie together and DH decided it was the perfect time to install a light fixture instead. He was making loud noise in the same room.

And there it is. You’re moving into martyr mode. So what if your kid is in front of a tv on a random Saturday? Your marriage is on the line and you have an opportunity to do something different: leave for the day. Instead you’re making excuses so you can sit and be the victim. Again, your kid will be fine. Let him spend all afternoon and evening with his other parent. Repeat again for tomorrow. One more time: YOUR KID WILL BE FINE. The question is whether you have the guts to take time and space for yourself.

Op here. The mall is easier for several reasons. We can grab lunch, play at the playground and diaper changes are easier. Sure my son will be fine but I don't want him spending hours watching TV. I actually enjoy watching him play.

[/quo

You missed the entire point of my post. Completely. I guess you’re not really fed up enough. To leave for the day would upset that narrative where he’s a jerk and you’re a victim to his rudeness. Good luck to you. Maybe a miracle will happen and he’ll magically be the engaged husband and parent you hoped he would be. Until then, you can stay in your comfortable space of being the only one that cares.

[Anonymous]

You need you own car and your own money.
And then you can make this marriage work, OP, I promise.

[Anonymous]

This is a classic case of a SAHM, working dad dynamic. He probably believes he provides enough family time during the week to the kid. The issue might be being around you, OP.

I get it, as a working single parent in the district. I would cringe at the thought of someone trying to schedule my weekend hours. I just want to be left alone.

Pull back. Leave him alone if you want to save the marriage. Get a job even.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Bob, if you go to your friend’s house, we’ll miss out on our plan to go to the zoo. I don’t want to hang out on the Mall. This is exactly what I’m referring to when I say that you’re skipping out on family time. What gives?”

OP here. I said this and he decided to leave anyway. Says he's coming back after an hour. The 15 minutes becoame an hour. See how this works?

The second he comes back, I’d be out the door and wouldn’t be back until well after dinner. Let him have hi family time taking care of his son. Go enjoy this beautiful afternoon, OP. Take yourself out to dinner. Think through whether you want to continue with this.

My son would end up spending this beautiful day watching TV for hours if I did this. Most likely I will take Uber to the mall with ds. Yesterday we were supposed to watch a movie together and DH decided it was the perfect time to install a light fixture instead. He was making loud noise in the same room.

And there it is. You’re moving into martyr mode. So what if your kid is in front of a tv on a random Saturday? Your marriage is on the line and you have an opportunity to do something different: leave for the day. Instead you’re making excuses so you can sit and be the victim. Again, your kid will be fine. Let him spend all afternoon and evening with his other parent. Repeat again for tomorrow. One more time: YOUR KID WILL BE FINE. The question is whether you have the guts to take time and space for yourself.

Op here. The mall is easier for several reasons. We can grab lunch, play at the playground and diaper changes are easier. Sure my son will be fine but I don't want him spending hours watching TV. I actually enjoy watching him play.

OP again: I am pregnant. Being out in public is not what I enjoy right now. It doesn't help me relax. I'd much rather be at home.

Then, stay home. Tell DH you are going to nap and he can watch the toddler.