My husband always lets us down

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Bob, if you go to your friend’s house, we’ll miss out on our plan to go to the zoo. I don’t want to hang out on the Mall. This is exactly what I’m referring to when I say that you’re skipping out on family time. What gives?”

OP here. I said this and he decided to leave anyway. Says he's coming back after an hour. The 15 minutes becoame an hour. See how this works?

Then it’s about him choosing to disrespect you. Sounds like it’s time for a come to Jesus sit down do you really want to be in the marriage talk. Like you have to be ready with the name of a counselor. If he balks, then maybe it’s time to consider separating.

This won’t change with whining or wishing. You either have to let it go and never complain again or put it on the line. How important is this?

It's very important because it comes down to trust. I cannot trust him to follow through with plans or be home when he says he will. Every time he does this I get hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Bob, if you go to your friend’s house, we’ll miss out on our plan to go to the zoo. I don’t want to hang out on the Mall. This is exactly what I’m referring to when I say that you’re skipping out on family time. What gives?”

OP here. I said this and he decided to leave anyway. Says he's coming back after an hour. The 15 minutes becoame an hour. See how this works?

The second he comes back, I’d be out the door and wouldn’t be back until well after dinner. Let him have hi family time taking care of his son. Go enjoy this beautiful afternoon, OP. Take yourself out to dinner. Think through whether you want to continue with this.

My son would end up spending this beautiful day watching TV for hours if I did this. Most likely I will take Uber to the mall with ds. Yesterday we were supposed to watch a movie together and DH decided it was the perfect time to install a light fixture instead. He was making loud noise in the same room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Bob, if you go to your friend’s house, we’ll miss out on our plan to go to the zoo. I don’t want to hang out on the Mall. This is exactly what I’m referring to when I say that you’re skipping out on family time. What gives?”

OP here. I said this and he decided to leave anyway. Says he's coming back after an hour. The 15 minutes becoame an hour. See how this works?

The second he comes back, I’d be out the door and wouldn’t be back until well after dinner. Let him have hi family time taking care of his son. Go enjoy this beautiful afternoon, OP. Take yourself out to dinner. Think through whether you want to continue with this.

My son would end up spending this beautiful day watching TV for hours if I did this. Most likely I will take Uber to the mall with ds. Yesterday we were supposed to watch a movie together and DH decided it was the perfect time to install a light fixture instead. He was making loud noise in the same room.

Going to the mall is hardly enjoying the beautiful day either. Why not give your husband a chance to parent. Maybe he doesn't know how, and the more time he spends with your kid, the better.

[Anonymous]

I also think you should leave the house the minute your DH comes home. Repeat this tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are both crunched for time.

No. He's just disrespectful. It will be 1 or 1:30 pm before he finishes things with his friends. That's exactly when ds should be taking a nap. He plans things as if he's single but he's not anymore.

Can’t you go after the nap? Honestly if nap is at 1:30 and you don’t live close to the zoo, you didn’t have time for the zoo before nap time anyway.

I get that it sucks. I’m married to someone like that too. And I used to be rigid. But like PP said, I chose happiness so I fixed what I could control - which was my rigidity and my expectations.

His nap can be pushed back to 3 pm. He won't take a nap unless we take him on an outing. If it were really 15 minutes it would be NO BIG DEAL but DH never comes back when he says he will. I also don't understand WHY he needs to veiw the house. His friends already bought it. We will eventually see it.

Huh?

How old is this kid? Is the zoo so he will take a nap? Or just to get in that outing?

When you have talked to your DH about your issues with family day, how does he respond? Is he someone who just doesn't pay attention to itineraries?

Most kids need some sort of physical activity to take naps pp. This isn't rocket science.

pp--yes, I get that, but also felt like OP felt very stuck in her thinking so OP was being controlled not just by DH but by DS as well. Because there are plenty of ways to get physical activity in. Also, age of the kid matters if the kid has been given a commitment about the zoo and understands it is supposed to be a commitment. If the kid is young enough to buy squirrels in the backyard as our very own zoo, part of the fallout from DH's behavior is managed.

But I am wondering about the family day talk needing to happen outside of a day when the issue is happening.

[Anonymous]

OP, make sure you're not using "I'm so hurt" as emotional manipulation, trying to get your way (though it clearly isn't working)

That would drive any partner away

Because, more than anything, he doesn't want to be around you. Why do you think that is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Bob, if you go to your friend’s house, we’ll miss out on our plan to go to the zoo. I don’t want to hang out on the Mall. This is exactly what I’m referring to when I say that you’re skipping out on family time. What gives?”

OP here. I said this and he decided to leave anyway. Says he's coming back after an hour. The 15 minutes becoame an hour. See how this works?

Then it’s about him choosing to disrespect you. Sounds like it’s time for a come to Jesus sit down do you really want to be in the marriage talk. Like you have to be ready with the name of a counselor. If he balks, then maybe it’s time to consider separating.

This won’t change with whining or wishing. You either have to let it go and never complain again or put it on the line. How important is this?

It's very important because it comes down to trust. I cannot trust him to follow through with plans or be home when he says he will. Every time he does this I get hurt.

Exactly. This is about trust. There are 5 factors that impact trust. If one of them is missing, then you don’t trust the other person. Clearly the reliability factor is super low. If just one of these is missing, then real trust is absent.
1. CHARACTER
Is your spouse an honest and moral person?
2. COMPETENCE
Can your spouse handle tasks competently? If he has to take care of your son, will he give him soda or make good food choices. They might be exactly what you would do, but your kid would be well cared for.
3. RELIABILITY
Does he say what he means and means what he says? If he says he will be home by 10am, can you count on that?
4. WARMTH
Does he express genuine empathy and listens to you? Does he show care and interest in you?
5. STEWARDSHIP
Is he only concerned about what’s in it for him or is he able to put aside his needs for the greater good for others?

[Anonymous]

Why don't you drive OP? I think the fact that you don't have your own car to drive yourself, whenever you want, wherever you want is factoring in here. You are setting yourself-up to have less power in this relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Bob, if you go to your friend’s house, we’ll miss out on our plan to go to the zoo. I don’t want to hang out on the Mall. This is exactly what I’m referring to when I say that you’re skipping out on family time. What gives?”

OP here. I said this and he decided to leave anyway. Says he's coming back after an hour. The 15 minutes becoame an hour. See how this works?

When he says this. YOU walk out the door. Say. “Actually, I’m going to get Starbucks. You can stay home with DS.”

See how he likes someone else changing his plans and telling him what he will do. You have to be the first one to the door or this doesn’t work. If he gets mad later, you can use all his lines “Relax!” “It’s no big deal” “It was like 5 minutes” (even if it was an hour) etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you drive OP? I think the fact that you don't have your own car to drive yourself, whenever you want, wherever you want is factoring in here. You are setting yourself-up to have less power in this relationship.

This.

We are a one car family, but whomever has the kid gets car priority (so normally me) the other has to use public transportation if they need to go somewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Bob, if you go to your friend’s house, we’ll miss out on our plan to go to the zoo. I don’t want to hang out on the Mall. This is exactly what I’m referring to when I say that you’re skipping out on family time. What gives?”

OP here. I said this and he decided to leave anyway. Says he's coming back after an hour. The 15 minutes becoame an hour. See how this works?

The second he comes back, I’d be out the door and wouldn’t be back until well after dinner. Let him have hi family time taking care of his son. Go enjoy this beautiful afternoon, OP. Take yourself out to dinner. Think through whether you want to continue with this.

My son would end up spending this beautiful day watching TV for hours if I did this. Most likely I will take Uber to the mall with ds. Yesterday we were supposed to watch a movie together and DH decided it was the perfect time to install a light fixture instead. He was making loud noise in the same room.

And there it is. You’re moving into martyr mode. So what if your kid is in front of a tv on a random Saturday? Your marriage is on the line and you have an opportunity to do something different: leave for the day. Instead you’re making excuses so you can sit and be the victim. Again, your kid will be fine. Let him spend all afternoon and evening with his other parent. Repeat again for tomorrow. One more time: YOUR KID WILL BE FINE. The question is whether you have the guts to take time and space for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Op, it was even worse for me. H would sleep in, then putter around, call his parents, etc.
then it was almost lunchtime and even if we ventured out it was time to eat (he would get upset we needed to eat- he just had his breakfast after all). Then it was naptime.
I chose not to have a second child and just started going alone with DS. Eventually we separated because it was just one of the items on the long list of things we didn’t see eye to eye on.
I get it, he wants to lounge on the weekend (just like I do now once DS is older).
I just don’t want to keep explaining.

[Anonymous]

Why are you having yet another child with this man if he is letting you down all the time? I just...don't understand the reproductive decisions of people in shaky relationships.

He is his own priority. He likes his family, sure, so long as it doesn't interfere with his own choices. And now you will be raising two kids pretty much on your own and managing both of their disappointment. Sounds like fun.

[Anonymous]

Admirable to be a one car family --- but not if it contributes significantly to the dissolution of the family

Readjust your life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it op. You guys aren't his priority.

This is the reality.