anyone drop the rope with their spouse?
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Anonymous
Having to do all the housework and even things like painting the house is not as rosy as it seems either, OP. Take your privilege where you can get it and enjoy it. |
Anonymous
Agreed. The end result is that your boys will be just like your DH and their grandfather. Like it or not, those are your core family values. It’s not terrible but not good. |
Anonymous
| I did this. I get the fear that if you stop, then your husband will become completely uninvolved, but I actually found the opposite. Once home became all fun and relaxation and no work/stress/fighting, my husband was getting home from work earlier and seemed more involved. |
Anonymous
But interestingly, you married a man just like your dad with whom you supposedly do not have a close relationship. |
Anonymous
Yes, that’s one of the worst things. Your sons are going to grow up thinking this is the role of a dad. But they cycle can be broken. My dad was like that, working all the time. I actively chose differently. I have a husband who doesn’t make a lot of money, and I myself am in a typically workaholic type career but have a totally mommy-track job. We struggle financially, though we’d be rich with his money if we lived elsewhere, but I love our family life. We all have dinner together 90+ percent of the time. We spend almost all of our weekends together as a family. DH (assistant) coaches the kids teams. Every game has at least one pare tin attendance. We are all there if the other kid’s schedule doesn’t conflict. It’s how we saw raising kids and it is how we are doing it. Would life be better with another 100k or 500k every year? Not at the expense of what we have in terms of time and family bonds. |
Anonymous
| DH here and I find OP’s situation sad, especially for her children but also for herself and her DH. I made a choice to be as equally involved as my wife in the raising of our children, which admittedly came at the expense of career progression and money, but I have never regretted it and I know they are better for it. I also know one of the biggest gifts I have given them, particularly my son, is the example I set that hopefully he will be mimic for his children. I see so many fathers/husbands who work long hours and seldom see or are involved with their families and think that the one or two big vacations they go on a year are enough and make them a good father. What I know for sure is that our lives and our relationships with your children are built in the small moments. The memories my older kids talk about today are not the manufactured ones created by the big trips we took each year but rather the impromptu things that happened during my daily involvement with them - the bike rides and walks we took after work, playing in the creek, playing with the dogs, playing catch, playing board games after dinner, and on and on. |
Anonymous
+1 He is an adult and can be responsible for his own choices. |
Anonymous
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We get what we expect, OP, and I think it is worth considering how much *you* are contributing to this dynamic and just replicating your childhood structure.
I am non-confrontational (even a doormat at times), but I grew up with a very different family life and it just wouldn't really occur to me to structure my life as you have. E.g. DH and I switched off with getting up with the kids as babies b/c I just asked well should we alternate, or take different blocs of time, or what? If I wanted better sleep I just went to the guest bedroom and let him deal. We switch off weekend mornings too... Mostly I just grocery shop in peace my "morning off." I don't think this is something that he would have ever eagerly volunteered for but I can't imagine him really grousing or yelling about the division of labor, and if he did, I would just be like what the heck are you doing? In other words, OP, if you don't like your dynamic, just stop participating in it. It doesn't have to be a fight. Do a yoga class on Saturday morning. Ask whether he wants to do the dishes or get the kids ready for bed. Say you need him to do pick up on W & Th, and then *don't be available.* If he in fact has some true job constraints then that is where you start outsourcing. So yeah, I'd "drop the rope," but in the opposite way that you are suggesting. |
Anonymous
Forget about the dishes OP. You have enough money to hire someone to come in every morning or every evening and clean up. Or maybe the kids can clean up(I babysat for a very wealthy family and the 6 year old boy loaded and unloaded the dishwasher). There are only so many hours in a day. If he works long hours, what should be important is time with the kids; playing cards with them, taking them to an activity on the weekend. unless he is doing the dishes with them, dishes should not be on his list. It shouldn't be on yours either if your husband is so busy that you have make up for his absence. I agree with the above PP that you have to speak up. But focus on what is most important. |
Anonymous
| I think is fine and the kids aren't going to suffer. Some kids get a super involved dad, some kids get no dad. Your kids have an uber provider dad. They might not be as emotionally close to him as adults, but odds are they won't grouse about the financial leg up they will enjoy. Let's not pretend that's not very worthwhile or that it doesn't reflect the father's love and care for them. |
Anonymous
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OP your DH isn’t going to change. Many depressed people work hard at things they like or get rewarded for and refuse to do ther things they find both depressing and boring. He said he wanted to be an involved Dad but actions speak louder than words.
Stop trying to change him and outsource some of the boring things. Also high earners do not always control all aspects of their time at work. Few people make high salaries and call all the shots. You are asking too much. If you feel too lonely and too much like you are managing another child : get out now while you are young. Or else accept him as he is. |
Anonymous
| OP I reread your post. It seems like you feel if you don’t spend the money he makes that will change him into less of a workaholic. In my (long) experience that doesn’t happen. We have friends in ther 60s STILL working long hours. They like it they do it they are not going to stop. |
Anonymous
| I have a workahlic 84 year-old FIL who still goes into his office daily. He became a better dad once he divorced my MIL about 50 years ago. |
Anonymous
I have 2 boys and DH started getting into them when they were getting better & more serious about sports. Ages 9 & older. He stepped up SOME but I still do that majority of the organizing and logistics related to their sports. Since he played too, he realized that this was 'his time' and he needed to be the one to teach them to throw a basketball or whatever. Yes, I realize this sounds completely stereotypical male, and while I'm not happy about it, this was the reality of the situation. I have sisters & a single Mom, so raising/living with males was new to me. I read some books about raising boys that indicated that boys need Mom from ages 0-10 and need Dad from 10 to 18, and beyond. For me, this has fit in with what my DH has been capable of offering. He was appreciative of all I did for the boys in the early years, but I certainly did resent his lack of effort. However, I stuck with the marriage so the boys would have the Dad they needed at ages 10+. He is able to connect with them in ways I can't now that they're teens. And they really do need a same-gender role model, even one that's lazy & sometimes checked out. It was a sacrifice that was worth making - for me. You may disagree. The thing about males is that their standards are much lower. Your DH probably has a vastly different idea of what 'involved' means. I bet he thinks that bringing home a paycheck for his family means that he's met 90% of his responsibilities. You might ask him directly how he sees his role in the family. And I'm certain that it will change over the coming years. I remember a story about how expecting parents dreams about their unborn children: Moms dream about their children at very young, dependent ages, and Dads dream of their kids when they can throw a football in the yard with them. Both roles are vital. |
Anonymous
Yes. Shut your pie-hole. |