anyone drop the rope with their spouse?

[Anonymous]

This is a great plan but I think you should tell him this, clearly, and then implement your plan.

"DH, it's a lot of emotional work to include you in family life when you don't feel like you want to. So I am going to stop. I will share with you every Monday/Friday what is coming up this week/weekend and then I will go about my time. My first choice and complete dream is for you to be up and at 'em with us. It's always better when you're with us. The kids feel the same way. But my new plan is to tell you once."

Also do NOT quit your job.

[Anonymous]

this is op - thanks for all the thoughtful advice, i really appreciate it and you all have given me a lot of good ideas and things to think about. I also appreciate those of you that shared your experiences, its always helpful to hear from those that have worked through the same dynamics.

[Anonymous]

I did this and then realized we were so happy without him. I ended up getting a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Op, I would have one serious conversation about this and leave the choice to him. at a certain point, he needs to assume responsibility for particioi in the family, right now he's shifted all the burden on you. And when he says "gee I'm glad I did this," he's reinforcing that split. Ultimately it's his decision as to how much of an involved parent and spouse he is. Tell him you want and desire his involvement but it's not fair to make you emotionally responsible for his involvement.
My only other our e if advice is that this is the time to throw money st the problem. Get babysitting, housecleaners, meals delivered. The thing I would want most with more money is to use it for precious positive time with kids, and necessary breaks from them too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your plan is fine.

I was also married to someone who had inaccurate perceptions of who he was in a family context. He truly thought that he prioritized his family, but the reality was that all the things that he said were important to him in family life (e.g., family dinner nights, family vacations, knowing our kids' friends and school situations, celebrating birthdays and anniversaries) were things that when push came to shove, he did not prioritize over work. In reality, he was not home for dinner except on the weekend. When we would go on vacation, he would bring his laptop and would work 6 hours a day while leaving me to do all the kid stuff (with the result that my vacation was not relaxing at all). He did not know who DD's friends were and as far as I know, he hasn't met her classroom teachers since kindergarten (she's in 3rd grade now). I spent every birthday of the 5 years we were married alone because he had a work trip at the last minute - usually something that could have been postponed by a couple days or something I could have tagged along on.

Whether it works for you to be married to someone with this tendency totally depends on what you want out of your marriage. If you are willing to settle for someone who will not prioritize your family and will just dip in and dip out as it suits him, there is nothing wrong with your plan. I did it for 6 years (3 with a kid, 3 without), and it was very lonely. For me, the breaking point came when he started making noises about wanting another child but was unwilling to address the things about our family life and marriage that I was unhappy with.

Do you mean "If you are willing to put the well-being of your kids before your self?" Fixed that for you.

[Anonymous]

OP, your plan sounds good to me. If getting him involved is draining you emotinally, clearly, especially for the sake of your kids you need to stop or cut back down to your comfort zone.

Also, I have been you (living your plan) for the last 5ys. Your kids are younger and it will get better. Was just planning dd 5th bday and already had everything set to have the kids come in during his office hours and was actually surprised by dh requesting to host party on a Sunday when he won‘t be out of town! I‘m very happy for our family and dd - it‘s never too late for things to change.

While it‘s great to grow up with an engaged dad, I truly believe that children suffer more if their family is ripped apart. For us it may seem sad and constantly too little effort but I know that kids who don‘t have that value every tiny piece of fun or play dearly. They don‘t know it any other way.

And one thing our kids have only one father and this is the guy WE moms chose for them. How does it make sense to adivse to take that little family time and cosiness away from them that they still have?

Hang in there, OP.

[Anonymous]

Your plan sounds fine, but agree with others to talk to him about it first.

Also agree with pp who suggested he might become more involved as the kids get older.

How about planning more vacations? It might help him to snap out of work mode if you physically separate yourself from the home and regular routine. You have the money. Plan more trips as a family that are relaxing and enable him to catch up on his sleep. Go to a resort with a kids club so that you can both recharge, yet you can do excursions and meals as a family and create new memories together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a great plan but I think you should tell him this, clearly, and then implement your plan.

"DH, it's a lot of emotional work to include you in family life when you don't feel like you want to. So I am going to stop. I will share with you every Monday/Friday what is coming up this week/weekend and then I will go about my time. My first choice and complete dream is for you to be up and at 'em with us. It's always better when you're with us. The kids feel the same way. But my new plan is to tell you once."

Also do NOT quit your job.

WTF is the point of being married then?!

[Anonymous]

OP, I can relate to this. My DH is a lot like you describe in terms of being anxious about work (I swear he has male imposter syndrome) but also needing the external validation. And he is a high earner, and I try to tell him that we don't need his income (I work FT and make good money myself). Honestly, I could probably write 1,000 words about the ins and outs of your strategy and how it played out for me. In short, I dropped the rope emotionally but, like a PP, kind of did the opposite in terms of carving out time for myself. So, I stopped needing him to help, stopped caring if he joins us on the weekends, stopped trying to make him into the active father I think he should be. I can manage our 3 kids on my own just fine and we do all sorts of fun things on our own, including vacations. He's always welcome to come, but that's on him. It's also on him if he can't figure out how to get them to listen to him or why they aren't as affectionate with him. Would I like to have a different husband or father for my kids? Sure, but I can't control everything and as numerous PPs have pointed out, my kids DO love him very much and he finds his own ways to have some quality time with them.

But, I also don't give him a pass when I need him. I travel for work some, so he has to cover. I go out with friends. I do evening meetings/volunteering 1-2 times a month. For those times, I give him a clear statement of what I need and when, and that's generally that. His work schedule sometimes can't accommodate whatever it is, but usually he can do it. And, "dropping the rope" for me means the emotion, anger, sense of unfairness, etc., has mostly all gone, which really does help.

I will say, though, that the resentment lingers under the surface. I don't want a divorce, but I also have limited interest in him right now, either for sex (obviously a big issue) or for listening to his random work anecdotes or sitting around watching a movie with him. I've emotionally detached from him, so why would I care as much about doing those things? But, it's not a good thing and I know that. Just not sure I want to go back to the old way where I was angry much of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can relate to this. My DH is a lot like you describe in terms of being anxious about work (I swear he has male imposter syndrome) but also needing the external validation. And he is a high earner, and I try to tell him that we don't need his income (I work FT and make good money myself). Honestly, I could probably write 1,000 words about the ins and outs of your strategy and how it played out for me. In short, I dropped the rope emotionally but, like a PP, kind of did the opposite in terms of carving out time for myself. So, I stopped needing him to help, stopped caring if he joins us on the weekends, stopped trying to make him into the active father I think he should be. I can manage our 3 kids on my own just fine and we do all sorts of fun things on our own, including vacations. He's always welcome to come, but that's on him. It's also on him if he can't figure out how to get them to listen to him or why they aren't as affectionate with him. Would I like to have a different husband or father for my kids? Sure, but I can't control everything and as numerous PPs have pointed out, my kids DO love him very much and he finds his own ways to have some quality time with them.

But, I also don't give him a pass when I need him. I travel for work some, so he has to cover. I go out with friends. I do evening meetings/volunteering 1-2 times a month. For those times, I give him a clear statement of what I need and when, and that's generally that. His work schedule sometimes can't accommodate whatever it is, but usually he can do it. And, "dropping the rope" for me means the emotion, anger, sense of unfairness, etc., has mostly all gone, which really does help.

I will say, though, that the resentment lingers under the surface. I don't want a divorce, but I also have limited interest in him right now, either for sex (obviously a big issue) or for listening to his random work anecdotes or sitting around watching a movie with him. I've emotionally detached from him, so why would I care as much about doing those things? But, it's not a good thing and I know that. Just not sure I want to go back to the old way where I was angry much of the time.

Why on earth did you have 3 kids with this man?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a great plan but I think you should tell him this, clearly, and then implement your plan.

"DH, it's a lot of emotional work to include you in family life when you don't feel like you want to. So I am going to stop. I will share with you every Monday/Friday what is coming up this week/weekend and then I will go about my time. My first choice and complete dream is for you to be up and at 'em with us. It's always better when you're with us. The kids feel the same way. But my new plan is to tell you once."

Also do NOT quit your job.

WTF is the point of being married then?!

Not PP, but for me it would be stability for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a great plan but I think you should tell him this, clearly, and then implement your plan.

"DH, it's a lot of emotional work to include you in family life when you don't feel like you want to. So I am going to stop. I will share with you every Monday/Friday what is coming up this week/weekend and then I will go about my time. My first choice and complete dream is for you to be up and at 'em with us. It's always better when you're with us. The kids feel the same way. But my new plan is to tell you once."

Also do NOT quit your job.

WTF is the point of being married then?!

Not PP, but for me it would be stability for the kids.

The kids underdstand what is going on. Or at least they will once they are older.

[Anonymous]

I wish you luck, OP. My husband and I have a similar dynamic about going out with the kids, because he’s an introvert with a demanding job and I’m an extrovert SAHM. I finally told him we need to either sign them up for activities on the weekends or take them out together, because sitting around the house wishing they would chill out so we could relax wasn’t working. So far we’ve been taking them out...

[Anonymous]

All you DWs who tolerate absentee husbands/part-time fathers are simply teaching your children, especially your boys, to do the same to their kids. Bottoms line, you get what you expect and you teach people how to treat you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All you DWs who tolerate absentee husbands/part-time fathers are simply teaching your children, especially your boys, to do the same to their kids. Bottoms line, you get what you expect and you teach people how to treat you.

+1000