Reply to anyone drop the rope with their spouse?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I did this for a time with my DH who also has a lot of similar issues with your DH's behaviors (wants to sleep a lot, fun activities feel like work + anxiety). I was fairly vocal about telling him how much I was doing and how little he was doing and that wasn't working out for me. So I stopped expecting anything from him and did everything myself. Slowly, he stepped up. But it was more about what the kids needed from him as they were older. He could more easily meet their needs. He wasn't great with small children.[/quote]

Around what ages did that start happening?  Mine are currently 2 and 1 and unfortunately its a self fulling cycle right now that the less around their dad is the more they prefer me so the easier it is for dad to check-out.  They're both boys and I'm hoping when they're older they'll actively want dad more and DH will feel like its more critical for him to engage.[/quote]

I have 2 boys and DH started getting into them when they were getting better & more serious about sports. Ages 9 & older. He stepped up SOME but I still do that majority of the organizing and logistics related to their sports. Since he played too, he realized that this was 'his time' and he needed to be the one to teach them to throw a basketball or whatever. Yes, I realize this sounds completely stereotypical male, and while I'm not happy about it, this was the reality of the situation.

I have sisters & a single Mom, so raising/living with males was new to me. I read some books about raising boys that indicated that boys need Mom from ages 0-10 and need Dad from 10 to 18, and beyond. For me, this has fit in with what my DH has been capable of offering. He was appreciative of all I did for the boys in the early years, but I certainly did resent his lack of effort. However, I stuck with the marriage so the boys would have the Dad they needed at ages 10+. He is able to connect with them in ways I can't now that they're teens. And they really do need a same-gender role model, even one that's lazy & sometimes checked out. It was a sacrifice that was worth making - for me. You may disagree.

The thing about males is that their standards are much lower. Your DH probably has a vastly different idea of what 'involved' means. I bet he thinks that bringing home a paycheck for his family means that he's met 90% of his responsibilities. You might ask him directly how he sees his role in the family. And I'm certain that it will change over the coming years. I remember a story about how expecting parents dreams about their unborn children: Moms dream about their children at very young, dependent ages, and Dads dream of their kids when they can throw a football in the yard with them. Both roles are vital.[/quote]

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