anyone drop the rope with their spouse?

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who did something similar with her husband. She basically just said, "I decided I'm not going to wait for him anymore." That is to say, if she wants to go apple picking or something, she just brings their kids and does it. She'll ask him once, and that's it.

It is definitely a better plan than divorce, and I commend her for keeping her family together, even though her husband is a bit disengaged. In any case, this kind of leaves them living separate lives, which I think makes them ripe for divorce. She basically lives like a single mom while her husband does lots of work travel and spends the rest of his time on a hobby.

And please don't think for a second that your husband's behavior doesn't impact your kids. Maybe find a happy medium? Outsource more work and downscale to take the stress off of yourself, but don't give up on trying to get him engaged?

I'll mention it because this is DCUM, but the kind of husband you have is absolutely ripe for an affair. He's depressed/anxious, focused on things outside of the family, and has some money in his pocket. It can be particularly difficult to predict what kind of mid-life crisis men like that will have. You should consider the place you'd be in if you divorced. You might be able to manage quite well on half your savings and whatever job you have, but if half your savings wouldn't make you wealthy, then with a husband like that I wouldn't make a move professionally that could permanently harm your earning potential.

[Anonymous]

Family therapist here. I see this a lot and I can tell you are heading for divorce. You sound totally checked out on him romantically, like he is checked out on the family, are you aware of that?

Start getting your ducks in a row.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who did something similar with her husband. She basically just said, "I decided I'm not going to wait for him anymore." That is to say, if she wants to go apple picking or something, she just brings their kids and does it. She'll ask him once, and that's it.

It is definitely a better plan than divorce, and I commend her for keeping her family together, even though her husband is a bit disengaged. In any case, this kind of leaves them living separate lives, which I think makes them ripe for divorce. She basically lives like a single mom while her husband does lots of work travel and spends the rest of his time on a hobby.

And please don't think for a second that your husband's behavior doesn't impact your kids. Maybe find a happy medium? Outsource more work and downscale to take the stress off of yourself, but don't give up on trying to get him engaged?

I'll mention it because this is DCUM, but the kind of husband you have is absolutely ripe for an affair. He's depressed/anxious, focused on things outside of the family, and has some money in his pocket. It can be particularly difficult to predict what kind of mid-life crisis men like that will have. You should consider the place you'd be in if you divorced. You might be able to manage quite well on half your savings and whatever job you have, but if half your savings wouldn't make you wealthy, then with a husband like that I wouldn't make a move professionally that could permanently harm your earning potential.

+1

I agree with this part. I would not want to be bitter in my old (and not so old) age, like MIL is bitter.

[Anonymous]

OP, you do not divorce over this! That is an unhinged reaction. You outsource the cooking, cleaning, lawn care. You accept your DH for who he is. You don’t bad talk him to your kids or your friends.

You seem ok as the on top of it mom, so do it with a smile. And love your DH as he is. Not every dad is a Disney Dad. Not everyday is a coach. Count your blessings that your family is healthy and for the most part happy .

If you need a break, hire a babysitter and go out with your girlfriends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish you luck, OP. My husband and I have a similar dynamic about going out with the kids, because he’s an introvert with a demanding job and I’m an extrovert SAHM. I finally told him we need to either sign them up for activities on the weekends or take them out together, because sitting around the house wishing they would chill out so we could relax wasn’t working. So far we’ve been taking them out...

As an introvert mom with a demanding job, this sounds like hell, fwiw. I understand wanting to get them out of the house, but he's a part of the equation too and life shouldn't continue on as though he is just scenery rather than a member of the family. Same goes for mom, obviously, but mom's way shouldn't be the winner all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish you luck, OP. My husband and I have a similar dynamic about going out with the kids, because he’s an introvert with a demanding job and I’m an extrovert SAHM. I finally told him we need to either sign them up for activities on the weekends or take them out together, because sitting around the house wishing they would chill out so we could relax wasn’t working. So far we’ve been taking them out...

As an introvert mom with a demanding job, this sounds like hell, fwiw. I understand wanting to get them out of the house, but he's a part of the equation too and life shouldn't continue on as though he is just scenery rather than a member of the family. Same goes for mom, obviously, but mom's way shouldn't be the winner all the time.

What is dad's "way" in OP's situation? Her spouse isn't home during the week and wants to sleep all weekend. I'm not sure what you want OP or PP to do; if the DH wants to be a member of the family then he needs to show up and do that. Play a card game with the kids, something. If he doesn't interact, then the family moves on without him.

[Anonymous]

I saw an interview on TV with Dr. Oz’s wife. What she said sounded similar with him being so career occupied. She said that she decided to make her own life instead of waiting for him to come around because he was always going to be focused primarily on his job instead of his family. And that’s what she did. She has her own life and is very happy. You have a good provider and it sounds like he’s not a bad person. Make the best of it with lots of outside help and make sure that you have your career to fall back on just in case you do decide to divorce later once the kids are gone. If he’s still this way when you are empty nesters, that could get really lonely for you.

[Anonymous]

I would say definitely hire more help for chores and don’t bat an eye.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish you luck, OP. My husband and I have a similar dynamic about going out with the kids, because he’s an introvert with a demanding job and I’m an extrovert SAHM. I finally told him we need to either sign them up for activities on the weekends or take them out together, because sitting around the house wishing they would chill out so we could relax wasn’t working. So far we’ve been taking them out...

As an introvert mom with a demanding job, this sounds like hell, fwiw. I understand wanting to get them out of the house, but he's a part of the equation too and life shouldn't continue on as though he is just scenery rather than a member of the family. Same goes for mom, obviously, but mom's way shouldn't be the winner all the time.

His ideal would be a couple of hours of us all sitting in the living room together reading our respective books, sipping tea, occasionally reading particularly good passages aloud. Which I agree sounds delightful! The only problem is that our three year old and baby can’t read. (The 6yo can and we spent her sisters’ naps yesterday doing this. It was wonderful.) But trying to do that while the kids rampage is frustrating and stressful, watching him get stressed makes me unhappy, and the kids aren’t exactly loving it either. I don’t mean to imply that he’s not involved — he’s a great dad, he plays with them and talks to them and teaches them and looks forward to seeing them. My position is not OP’s. But “I will lose my ever-loving mind if I have to sit around the house any longer, I think I’ll take some kids to the library, who wants to come?” is a much more productive thing to do than trying to cajole an imuninterested spouse into coming to the library!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you do not divorce over this! That is an unhinged reaction. You outsource the cooking, cleaning, lawn care. You accept your DH for who he is. You don’t bad talk him to your kids or your friends.

You seem ok as the on top of it mom, so do it with a smile. And love your DH as he is. Not every dad is a Disney Dad. Not everyday is a coach. Count your blessings that your family is healthy and for the most part happy .

If you need a break, hire a babysitter and go out with your girlfriends.

+1 Well put.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you do not divorce over this! That is an unhinged reaction. You outsource the cooking, cleaning, lawn care. You accept your DH for who he is. You don’t bad talk him to your kids or your friends.

You seem ok as the on top of it mom, so do it with a smile. And love your DH as he is. Not every dad is a Disney Dad. Not everyday is a coach. Count your blessings that your family is healthy and for the most part happy .

If you need a break, hire a babysitter and go out with your girlfriends.

So what is DW getting out of this? She is basically single parenting with money coming in. Hey

[Anonymous]

How's the sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who did something similar with her husband. She basically just said, "I decided I'm not going to wait for him anymore." That is to say, if she wants to go apple picking or something, she just brings their kids and does it. She'll ask him once, and that's it.

It is definitely a better plan than divorce, and I commend her for keeping her family together, even though her husband is a bit disengaged. In any case, this kind of leaves them living separate lives, which I think makes them ripe for divorce. She basically lives like a single mom while her husband does lots of work travel and spends the rest of his time on a hobby.

And please don't think for a second that your husband's behavior doesn't impact your kids. Maybe find a happy medium? Outsource more work and downscale to take the stress off of yourself, but don't give up on trying to get him engaged?

I'll mention it because this is DCUM, but the kind of husband you have is absolutely ripe for an affair. He's depressed/anxious, focused on things outside of the family, and has some money in his pocket. It can be particularly difficult to predict what kind of mid-life crisis men like that will have. You should consider the place you'd be in if you divorced. You might be able to manage quite well on half your savings and whatever job you have, but if half your savings wouldn't make you wealthy, then with a husband like that I wouldn't make a move professionally that could permanently harm your earning potential.

Agree 100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did this and then realized we were so happy without him. I ended up getting a divorce.

Same here. Not only was he an uninvolved and ineffective father/partner, he was also a slob when he was around. At some point he was just tagging along and totally unaware of any of our lives it was just embarrassing to let his lead the Good Father role. We made the same high incomes, he just prioritized work and people pleasing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you do not divorce over this! That is an unhinged reaction. You outsource the cooking, cleaning, lawn care. You accept your DH for who he is. You don’t bad talk him to your kids or your friends.

You seem ok as the on top of it mom, so do it with a smile. And love your DH as he is. Not every dad is a Disney Dad. Not everyday is a coach. Count your blessings that your family is healthy and for the most part happy .

If you need a break, hire a babysitter and go out with your girlfriends.

Wow, the 1950s doormat route, even more drastic than “dropping the rope”: drop the rope AND convince yourself to adore him for neglecting everyone and having totally different life values (and lackthereof) and goals.

He’s not even a Disney Dad, he’s a nothing.