Reply to My daughter’s future in-laws are horrible

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. Lots of good points.  Yes, of course I wonder what might have happened to cause her to want to be with someone with parents like this.  We are maybe overly liberal, I don’t know.  [b]Most of our family members are gay, and DD has at times seemed uncomfortable with that and also with our lack of religion. [/b] She’s an only child with lots of cousins.

I think I do need to talk to her, but it’s going to be tough to have this conversation and not risk our relationship.  She is deeply sensitive and reactive.  If I tell her the stories her future FIL tells us, she’ll tell her fiancé, and he’ll return that information to his parents...and that will impact everything going forward.  That might be cowardice, wanting to avoid that reaction, and I accept it.

My DH is horrified when future FIL espouses cynical and abusive law enforcement views, and he and I have both countered the talk with a negative reaction, but it all becomes a bit of “that’s what it’s like out in the field ha ha ha” sort of exchange.

DD spends at least one night a week with her fiance’s parents, though thankfully she lives a bit closer to us.  Because she is in a field that interacts with the criminal element, I believe she is constantly surrounded by law enforcement personnel who hammer a narrative that is less than sensitive to minorities.

I’m scared I’ll lose her, and I’m scared I’ll upset her fiancé, who is genuinely sweet.  He’s never given me any reason to doubt his character.  I think his mom has the potential to be kind, except she lives in the shadow of her overbearing DH and tends to kowtow to his views.

This is not DD’s first serious boyfriend.  She’s had 2 past long-term relationships, both of which were with liberal-minded guys with similar families.

I’m all about openness to those with different views, but I’m appalled and tearful about bigotry.  I’ve always spoken out against injustice, up to and including taking her to human rights marches and gun control rallies.  Perhaps she’s having a kneejerk reaction to my liberalism.  Hell, I don’t know.  I’d say this seems out of character for her, but maybe it’s who she is now.

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OP, could you expand on that? How did your DD demonstrate that she was uncomfortable with gay family members and a lack of religion? I'm curious how she diverged from the family norm. If a kid is raised with gay family members and the family is loving and tolerant, then it's strange that they would independently develop this prejudice. Did something happen?

Also, search your soul: What was your relationship like with your daughter before she met her fiance? Is this rift between you new, or did it just grow?

I'm sorry you feel like you're losing your daughter. This sounds rough and I hope it gets better. Ignore your discomfort with her future in laws and focus on repairing the relationship with your daughter. The last thing you need to do right now is widen the gap. [/quote]

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