Feel like I'm on a crash course towards an affair. Can't stop.

[Anonymous]

My husband was your crush on this scenario. When it blew up, and it WILL, the contractor was let go immediately, like within hours of work finding out. My ex was moved out of management and his reputation is ruined. Career ruined.

Two families blown up. 5 kids shuttling between homes. For our part, we spent nearly $20K on separating households, mediation fees, and other associated expenses. And we did it amicably.

You have a narrow window of opportunity to end this. Listenbthat this podcast. The attraction you are having to this guy is NOT REAL even though it feels like it is.

End your marriage first if it's a bad marriage. There is literally no excuse for having an affair. Your friends will judge you. His family will judge you. Your in-laws will judge you. Your neighbors and coworkers will judge you. Literally everyone you know will know that instead of doing the right thing, you slept with a married man.

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/marriagehelper/2015/12/16/why-your-spouse-loves-another-understanding-limerence--the-joe-beam-show

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP - but what about the job situation? Do you think it would be a bad idea to take the job on his team if offered?

You don't think we can just be friends?[/quote]

Think about it this way, OP.

If you get this job because you flirted with and got emotionally involved with this man, you will end up in a situation where you are flirting with and emotionally involved with your boss. If you care about him at all, know that he can get fired for that. If you care about your reputation at all, know that other people will know how you ended up there and will not take you seriously professionally.[/quote]

Ok, I hear you. But how do you think other people would find out how I got the job? And also, we had spoke about this position before things got to where they are now with us. So its not like it was ever "dangled" or has anything to do with why I like him. Things progressed kind of on their own because we're involved in a lot of the same activities at work and run into each other a lot. And then we're both also into the same hobby, so we would talk a lot about that. I don't think either one of us set out to be where we are now.[/quote]

People aren’t stupid. Everyone sees you flirting with him and they already are probably talking about you. They will assume he hired you because of your relationship. You don’t sound like the sharpest knife in the drawer so I doubt you can manage to be discreet. You probably need to move on to another job ASAP and try to be more professional next time..[/quote]

I don't know what image you have in your mind of me "flirting" with him but I am always professional at work. People see us talking, but so what. I work in a company that's very big on personal relationships and plenty of people have their work BFF. [/quote]

LOL my image of you is of someone stupid enough to have an affair with someone who could become her boss because she feels “vulnerable.” But don’t take my word for it, all the other posters here also think you are being very stupid. It’s rare to see such a firm consensus.[/quote]

I'm sure my thinking is stupid but I just want to clarify nothing has actually happened between us. We've never hung out outside or work or even have each others numbers.[/quote]

Who cares? Everyone at work knows something is up. I work in a very collegial atmosphere and no one is “bff” with a married colleague of the opposite gender. That is not a thing. All of your coworkers are talking about you and as a contractor, you are especially disposable. No one likes a workplace full of drama prone unprofessional people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband was your crush on this scenario. When it blew up, and it WILL, the contractor was let go immediately, like within hours of work finding out. My ex was moved out of management and his reputation is ruined. Career ruined.

Two families blown up. 5 kids shuttling between homes. For our part, we spent nearly $20K on separating households, mediation fees, and other associated expenses. And we did it amicably.

You have a narrow window of opportunity to end this. Listenbthat this podcast. The attraction you are having to this guy is NOT REAL even though it feels like it is.

End your marriage first if it's a bad marriage. There is literally no excuse for having an affair. Your friends will judge you. His family will judge you. Your in-laws will judge you. Your neighbors and coworkers will judge you. Literally everyone you know will know that instead of doing the right thing, you slept with a married man.

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/marriagehelper/2015/12/16/why-your-spouse-loves-another-understanding-limerence--the-joe-beam-show

Does limerance only exist in affairs? Honest question. If two single people fall in love it’s real love through and through but once that wedding ring is on one or both parties it’s called limerance? Just seems to be a good way to rationalize the painful idea is a spouse having feelings for someone else, I.e. it’s not real!

[Anonymous]

I find it very weird/telling that everyone here assumes I'm flirting him but hasn't considered that he's been flirting with me. As the woman I'm assumed to be some sort of husband stealing jezebel whereas the guy is "just being a guy" I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it very weird/telling that everyone here assumes I'm flirting him but hasn't considered that he's been flirting with me. As the woman I'm assumed to be some sort of husband stealing jezebel whereas the guy is "just being a guy" I guess.

Americans are culturally a stone’s throw away from stoning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it very weird/telling that everyone here assumes I'm flirting him but hasn't considered that he's been flirting with me. As the woman I'm assumed to be some sort of husband stealing jezebel whereas the guy is "just being a guy" I guess.

Of course he is flirting with you. You are young, naive and immature. You have a young child so he already knows you lack sleep and are holding grudges against your H for not "helping enough".

There are a million of you out there.

He is baiting you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it very weird/telling that everyone here assumes I'm flirting him but hasn't considered that he's been flirting with me. As the woman I'm assumed to be some sort of husband stealing jezebel whereas the guy is "just being a guy" I guess.

Of course he is flirting with you. You are young, naive and immature. You have a young child so he already knows you lack sleep and are holding grudges against your H for not "helping enough".

There are a million of you out there.

He is baiting you.

If OP is in a major northeastern city I wouldn’t be so fast to assume she’s a young and naive 20-something. Mothers in their 40s with young children can find themselves in this situation. Social pressure to tie the knot, now she’s with the former long term boyfriend turned husband who fancies someone at least 10 years younger....

[Anonymous]

You can stop. You don’t want to.

[Anonymous]

1) they are calling you out for flirting not because you are a woman, but because you are the only one who can stop you from flirting. If he flirts with you and you give nothing back, it ends.

2) go look up affair fog. You are in the affair fog. You think smoke from a little spark won’t go anywhere. Once it becomes a fire you’ll think, “no one will find out” or “if they find out, they’ll be happy for me because I’m so happy “.

3) quit focusing on how he makes you feel now. Imagine what it will feel like when this blows up. Imagine your child finding out. Is the simple flirtation worth it?

[Anonymous]

It’s best to not sleep with him , it can ruin everything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it very weird/telling that everyone here assumes I'm flirting him but hasn't considered that he's been flirting with me. As the woman I'm assumed to be some sort of husband stealing jezebel whereas the guy is "just being a guy" I guess.

Of course he is flirting with you. You are young, naive and immature. You have a young child so he already knows you lack sleep and are holding grudges against your H for not "helping enough".

There are a million of you out there.

He is baiting you.

If OP is in a major northeastern city I wouldn’t be so fast to assume she’s a young and naive 20-something. Mothers in their 40s with young children can find themselves in this situation. Social pressure to tie the knot, now she’s with the former long term boyfriend turned husband who fancies someone at least 10 years younger....

I'm not young. I'm in my late 30s but I keep myself up and am in good physical shape. DH is 9 years older than me so I am a young woman to him.

[Anonymous]

I was entertaining thoughts about f*cking a married man, just today, in fact. But that’s it. Thoughts. No action, no suggestion, because it’s not a good look and a boundary I draw *for myself.*

You can stop. You can, and you should. Couples therapy, individual therapy. Just stop the texts and the light flirting, handle your business, and keep it moving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it very weird/telling that everyone here assumes I'm flirting him but hasn't considered that he's been flirting with me. As the woman I'm assumed to be some sort of husband stealing jezebel whereas the guy is "just being a guy" I guess.

Of course he is flirting with you. You are young, naive and immature. You have a young child so he already knows you lack sleep and are holding grudges against your H for not "helping enough".

There are a million of you out there.

He is baiting you.

If OP is in a major northeastern city I wouldn’t be so fast to assume she’s a young and naive 20-something. Mothers in their 40s with young children can find themselves in this situation. Social pressure to tie the knot, now she’s with the former long term boyfriend turned husband who fancies someone at least 10 years younger....

I'm not young. I'm in my late 30s but I keep myself up and am in good physical shape. DH is 9 years older than me so I am a young woman to him.

*meant to say youngER woman. I know I'm no longer considered young.

[Anonymous]

Sleep with him. See if you enjoy that. If so continue with the whole thing. If not just stop it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it very weird/telling that everyone here assumes I'm flirting him but hasn't considered that he's been flirting with me. As the woman I'm assumed to be some sort of husband stealing jezebel whereas the guy is "just being a guy" I guess.

Of course he is flirting with you. You are young, naive and immature. You have a young child so he already knows you lack sleep and are holding grudges against your H for not "helping enough".

There are a million of you out there.

He is baiting you.

If OP is in a major northeastern city I wouldn’t be so fast to assume she’s a young and naive 20-something. Mothers in their 40s with young children can find themselves in this situation. Social pressure to tie the knot, now she’s with the former long term boyfriend turned husband who fancies someone at least 10 years younger....

Oh FFS, I hope she is not 20. Yes, she is young and naive. she may be 40 young but she is young and naive.