Feel like I'm on a crash course towards an affair. Can't stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it very weird/telling that everyone here assumes I'm flirting him but hasn't considered that he's been flirting with me. As the woman I'm assumed to be some sort of husband stealing jezebel whereas the guy is "just being a guy" I guess.

Of course he is flirting with you. You are young, naive and immature. You have a young child so he already knows you lack sleep and are holding grudges against your H for not "helping enough".

There are a million of you out there.

He is baiting you.

If OP is in a major northeastern city I wouldn’t be so fast to assume she’s a young and naive 20-something. Mothers in their 40s with young children can find themselves in this situation. Social pressure to tie the knot, now she’s with the former long term boyfriend turned husband who fancies someone at least 10 years younger....

I'm not young. I'm in my late 30s but I keep myself up and am in good physical shape. DH is 9 years older than me so I am a young woman to him.

So, yes you are young and naive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it very weird/telling that everyone here assumes I'm flirting him but hasn't considered that he's been flirting with me. As the woman I'm assumed to be some sort of husband stealing jezebel whereas the guy is "just being a guy" I guess.

Of course he is flirting with you. You are young, naive and immature. You have a young child so he already knows you lack sleep and are holding grudges against your H for not "helping enough".

There are a million of you out there.

He is baiting you.

If OP is in a major northeastern city I wouldn’t be so fast to assume she’s a young and naive 20-something. Mothers in their 40s with young children can find themselves in this situation. Social pressure to tie the knot, now she’s with the former long term boyfriend turned husband who fancies someone at least 10 years younger....

I'm not young. I'm in my late 30s but I keep myself up and am in good physical shape. DH is 9 years older than me so I am a young woman to him.

*meant to say youngER woman. I know I'm no longer considered young.

Not talking about your body, it's about your maturity level.

[Anonymous]

Wait til you get the job to start anything. It will be more beneficial to the inevitable sexual harassment suit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can stop. You're an adult.

If you believe in God, pray for HIS marriage (yours sounds like it is toast -- just a matter of time). Get yourself out of your selfish mindset.

What are you talking about? He hasn't done a thing. For all we know, he is simply a nice guy that appreciates her work. He could be massaging his ego with the light flirting, assuring himself he still has it. Regardless, there is no indication he's feeling what she is and therefore no indication that his marriage has issues.

[Anonymous]

You can stop. You're an adult.

If you believe in God, pray for HIS marriage (yours sounds like it is toast -- just a matter of time). Get yourself out of your selfish mindset.


What are you talking about? He hasn't done a thing. For all we know, he is simply a nice guy that appreciates her work. He could be massaging his ego with the light flirting, assuring himself he still has it. Regardless, there is no indication he's feeling what she is and therefore no indication that his marriage has issues.

Yes, so if HIS marriage is strong, nothing will happen. Takes her off her "crash course" and gets her thinking about the impact of her actions beyond her own family, which she clearly no longer cares about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Think about him pooping.

Then, stop Messaging him, stop chatting with him, find another job, and don’t apply to the one on his team.

Recommit to your marriage and your vows.

There is so much you can do here but you don’t seem to want to do it. And the consequences will be so, so ugly. You will hurt so many people. His wife, his kids, your husband, your kid, your parents, his parents.

Set a higher standard for yourself. Is this who you are? Someone who hurts people because she can’t do the right thing?

What if scat is his kink?

[Anonymous]

He offers you a full time job, you have an affair, people find out about it and you both get fired.

[Anonymous]

OP, I wouldn't be so sure this guy would hire you solely on merit. Are you ok with taking a job that you were offered - even in part - because of your flirtatious relationship with this guy? Are you ok with everyone thinking that's the only reason you got the job? Because that's exactly what they will think, even if you believe you're being discreet, and the way people view you at work will never be the same. You will never come back from that.

Are you ok with the consequences to your DS and your marriage? Are you ok with not seeing your DS on certain holidays because he's going to be with his father? Or having to make parental decisions with your ex-DH for the next 10-15+ years?

It sounds like you're indifferent about your marriage because you have this thing with your colleague. If your colleague wasn't around, maybe things at home wouldn't seem so bad. It's easy to think the grass is greener and that the issues you have with your DH will resolve once the marriage ends.

I get that it's exciting and things at home are a bit dull. I understand how it feels to have someone new find you attractive and to feel attracted to them in return. But have enough respect for yourself, your DS and your DH to do the right thing. Either knock it off or end the marriage.

[Anonymous]

[quote]
Does limerance only exist in affairs? Honest question. If two single people fall in love it’s real love through and through but once that wedding ring is on one or both parties it’s called limerance? Just seems to be a good way to rationalize the painful idea is a spouse having feelings for someone else, I.e. it’s not real![/quote]

Its different. It's processed in a different last of the brain. It's an addiction that's designed to bring people together and is actually more intense if there are barriers (such as being married). Lots of research on this. It is possible for people to have limerance without an affair. It's just not as intense because the lack of obstacles. They c

[Anonymous]

OP, explain why you and DH rarely have sex. Does he initiate and you reject? Do you initiate and he rejects?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know I'm a mess. What should I do?

You should turn your attention to your DH and get into therapy individually and with him.

You should minimize contact with the object of your affection.

You should not use phrases like "it happened" or "it can happen" in relation to choices you make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was entertaining thoughts about f*cking a married man, just today, in fact. But that’s it. Thoughts. No action, no suggestion, because it’s not a good look and a boundary I draw *for myself.*

You can stop. You can, and you should. Couples therapy, individual therapy. Just stop the texts and the light flirting, handle your business, and keep it moving.

Did ya see that there, OP? That is called restraint. Try it.
Meanwhile, I love the pep of the PP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it very weird/telling that everyone here assumes I'm flirting him but hasn't considered that he's been flirting with me. As the woman I'm assumed to be some sort of husband stealing jezebel whereas the guy is "just being a guy" I guess.

Of course he is flirting with you. You are young, naive and immature. You have a young child so he already knows you lack sleep and are holding grudges against your H for not "helping enough".

There are a million of you out there.

He is baiting you.

We don't think about such complexities. It's more like, she has a nice ass and probably looks great naked. Hmm, I'd really like to find out.

[Anonymous]

Enjoy it, OP! You're only young one

[Anonymous]

OP, you know what you're doing is wrong and you're using a thousand excuses to justify it. Your call. No one can stop you. But think for a second if you were your own DH, would you excuse his behavior if he wrote this same thing? People generally use lack of sex as an excuse to have an affair. My exDh and I had sex all the time, still cheated. Still ruined our family. We're divorced now and our kids pay the price. Divorce, no matter how well done, is always bad for the kids, and you want to ruin your DS's life because you put yourself in a position to be vulnerable?

It's OK to find other people attractive, it's OK to want to be loved. It's not OK to pour all the energy you have outside of your marriage and blame someone else for its failure.