Reply to My children (adopted) said that we weren't a real family

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Two elementary aged boys.  They were having a conversation in the back seat about growing up and the families they would have (move to LA, buy a mansion, get a wife, have 3 kids).  The older told the younger, "You know, you have to have s-e-x (yes, he spelled it out) to have the babies."  The younger said, "Ewww."  The older said, "You have to have s-e-x or adopt, that's the only way to get a baby."  Then he says, "Mom, I wish you had never told me that I was adopted, it makes me feel weird."  I say, "What do you mean, tell me more."  He says, "It feels like we aren't a real family."  I said, "I feel like we are a real family.  I've loved you since the day you were born and we live like any other family."  He said, "But you aren't my *real* mom."  I said, "I feel like your real mom. I love you just as much as any other mom loves her kids."  The younger pipes up, "No offense, mom, but it's not the same as being a real mom."

So this felt like a gut punch but I tried not to show it because I want them to come to me with real, true feelings, even when it's hard to hear, without worrying about hurting my feelings.   But damn...that was hard to hear.  :(

Any words of advice if this comes up again?  Should I bring it up again?  Might their thinking evolve over time?  We adopted both at birth.  Have always acknowledged that they may experience a pain or a loss.  Have told them that we would support if they ever choose to search out their birth parents when older.

Please, would the occasional DCUM anti-adoption posters skip this one, please?  I don't want to feel any worse.[/quote]

[b]I don't think you should bring it up proactively, but I do think that it will come up again and that you should have a plan for what to say if it comes up.[/b] In general, I would want to know more about what they think a "real mom" is and if they are curious about their "real moms" and that's what's driving that. Depending on what you mean by "elementary aged" I would also figure out a way to convey that saying things like what they said IS hurtful to you. They can have feelings about being adopted and wonder about their birth mothers or whatever, but they don't just get to say hurtful things to you because of that.[/quote]

I doubt that it will come up again.  I have to assume that pretty soon the boys will realize what a hurtful thing that is to say to their mother and not say anything like that again.  [/quote]

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