How to de-lazify new husband?

[Anonymous]

First off, reconsider your standards. Either everything has to be up to your standard, and then you take care of it, or you compromise on how clean is clean enough. I compromised, because I didn't want to nag or fight about it. The things that really bother me, I take care of myself (mostly clutter). The things that bother me less, I let go of (and sometimes they will bother DH more and he will take care of them).

However, consider that your anger may simply be you not being used to sharing space with another person, and it's more of a control issue than cleanliness issue. Why is it bothering you that his clothes are still in a box? Those are not your clothes. Consider the deeper source of your anger.

As far as clutter, designate a space in your bedroom for the clutter and throw all of his discarded clothes into that space, at least it won't be on the bed/floor.

As far as cleaning/chores, sounds like he works a lot, so you can afford to hire a cleaner to do things like wash toilets. Or if it's easy enough for you to do, I think it's ok to be in charge of that, as long as he does something else.

If he is completely useless in all respects but earning money, however, then maybe he is not ideal husband material.

[Anonymous]

I disagree with the other posters about nagging. I nagged my husband into picking up after himself and sharing significantly more in household chores.

Although maybe nagging is not the word. I would just point out, repeatedly, that I was on my feet working while he was on his ass. I would say "How is it reasonable and fair that I am constantly up doing things and you are constantly on your ass?" He eventually did make significant changes due to this. I think he felt shame (thank god).

Another thing that helped is we designated a spot in the house where he can throw his clothes around out of site (his own closet), and we designated a spot for his other things after work (backback, shoes, wallet, etc). If he leaves clothes out in a common area (he used to do this constantly) I shriek, but I never say anything about his stuff being a mess in his designated spots.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with the other posters about nagging. I nagged my husband into picking up after himself and sharing significantly more in household chores.

Although maybe nagging is not the word. I would just point out, repeatedly, that I was on my feet working while he was on his ass. I would say "How is it reasonable and fair that I am constantly up doing things and you are constantly on your ass?" He eventually did make significant changes due to this. I think he felt shame (thank god).

Another thing that helped is we designated a spot in the house where he can throw his clothes around out of site (his own closet), and we designated a spot for his other things after work (backback, shoes, wallet, etc). If he leaves clothes out in a common area (he used to do this constantly) I shriek, but I never say anything about his stuff being a mess in his designated spots.

*sight

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No kids, get out. Now.

No checklist, or even juju can fix it.

I have seen this too many times.


When kids come, you will be miserable.

+1 Even the most diligent childless husband will seem lazy after you have kids.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the poster who says to find a space or two to put his crap.
Pile his clothes on the floor on his side of the bed. If he has a desk or office area, put things (like the coke can left on the coffee table) on his desk.
I assume you are the one who does all the laundry and dishes. You can’t stop doing dishes because everyone uses them, but you can stop doing his laundry.

I also want to reiterate what others have said that when(if) you have children, the problem will be 100x worse.

I just have one question. Had he ever lived on his own before marrying you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have had the displeasure of discovering that my newly minted husband is lazy. He does work long hours at his job but after that he is useless. We recently moved into a new apartment and its been 2 months and he still hasn't unpacked 2 boxes full of his clothes, nor has he gone through and sorted through 2 other boxes full of his electronics and wires and odds and ends. In addition, he does not see dirt and disorder. He can live with a moldy shower and gross sink for years unless I specifically remind him to do his chores. I know it would be easy for me to just take on his chores but I do not want to end up like that. However, when I remind him that it is his turn to clean the bathroon he will get annoyed and huff and puff.

He is 30 years old.

I woke up at 6:00 am because I thought about all this and couldn't go back to sleep. This is very unattractive and I want out.

You sound like an unsupportive and petulant child. My goodness.

TBH, I think work takes a lot out of him. Sounds like an introvert that has to be "on" for long hours. I've known people like that and when they get home, they just want to decompress, not address some chore list. He'll eventually get to it. Why don't you help him out rather than complain?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t buy this “men don’t see the mess” of “men don’t care about the mess.” Pay a cleaner $300 to fully clean your house top to bottom. I guarantee that he will see what they missed, and he will care.

The question is not “how to make him see it,” but “how to make him see it as his responsibility.”

That's your mission in life, to make him see it is his responsibility, his obligation, to change? That's messed up in the head. The timing - post wedding - is poor.

I think that’s why so many people are saying get out now!

They’ve been there. They tried talking, asking nicely, nagging, lowering standards, etc. You can mentally decide that you can handle your DH being a crappy partner but it wears on you. Eventually you’ll be upset he doesn’t even care that he’s a crappy partner. All the extra stuff you do to pick up after him will be unappreciated and seen as your responsibility.

Once you have kids this will explode. There just aren’t enough hours in the day for you to pick up after a grown man AND kids. You WILL start hating him. Divorce will look more and more attractive.

It’s not about “forcing him to change” right after the wedding. It’s anout not being suckered into being his maid right after the wedding.

Get a couples therapist, but I’m already exhausted thinking about the long road trying to convince a man that he should act like a grown up. Women who were optimistic newlyweds wish they could go back in time and shake themselves into action back then. Back when the stakes for leaving were not quite as high. After children, all marriage stressors are magnified times 1000.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had the displeasure of discovering that my newly minted husband is lazy. He does work long hours at his job but after that he is useless. We recently moved into a new apartment and its been 2 months and he still hasn't unpacked 2 boxes full of his clothes, nor has he gone through and sorted through 2 other boxes full of his electronics and wires and odds and ends. In addition, he does not see dirt and disorder. He can live with a moldy shower and gross sink for years unless I specifically remind him to do his chores. I know it would be easy for me to just take on his chores but I do not want to end up like that. However, when I remind him that it is his turn to clean the bathroon he will get annoyed and huff and puff.

He is 30 years old.

I woke up at 6:00 am because I thought about all this and couldn't go back to sleep. This is very unattractive and I want out.

You sound like an unsupportive and petulant child. My goodness.

TBH, I think work takes a lot out of him. Sounds like an introvert that has to be "on" for long hours. I've known people like that and when they get home, they just want to decompress, not address some chore list. He'll eventually get to it. Why don't you help him out rather than complain?

... says the manchild

[Anonymous]

Sounds like an introvert that has to be "on" for long hours. I've known people like that and when they get home, they just want to decompress, not address some chore list. He'll eventually get to it.

Or not, because it’s on her todo list, not his list. Not everyone shares her priorities.

[Anonymous]

Do you do his laundry? I hope not.

Try to think of chores that affect him more and have him be responsible for those. The boxes aren’t as much of a big deal but the mess certainly is.

When you’re both single you should be cleaning at the same time. Set aside a couple hours on the weekend and take care of general house cleaning.

As for clutter?buy an extra laundry basket and put anything of his that you pick up in there. Clothes, mail, random junk all goes in there. When it gets full it goes in the dumpster.

The best time to figure this out is NOW after you moved in together. Don’t get stuck being the one who does all the housework. Once you establish this dynamic it’s incredibly difficult to change.

[Anonymous]

And how were you unaware of this before you MARRIED him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Sounds like an introvert that has to be "on" for long hours. I've known people like that and when they get home, they just want to decompress, not address some chore list. He'll eventually get to it.

Or not, because it’s on her todo list, not his list. Not everyone shares her priorities.

This goes without saying. I'm sure OP's husband has an enormous honey-do list and gets reminded of it every waking second. What a great start to a marriage, OP - chore him to death!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Sounds like an introvert that has to be "on" for long hours. I've known people like that and when they get home, they just want to decompress, not address some chore list. He'll eventually get to it.

Or not, because it’s on her todo list, not his list. Not everyone shares her priorities.

This goes without saying. I'm sure OP's husband has an enormous honey-do list and gets reminded of it every waking second. What a great start to a marriage, OP - chore him to death!

Sigh.

Sounds like she got suckered into being his maid for eternity! What a great start to a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No kids, get out. Now.

No checklist, or even juju can fix it.

I have seen this too many times.


When kids come, you will be miserable.

+1 Even the most diligent childless husband will seem lazy after you have kids.

Please do leave him so he doesn’t have a lifetime of getting nagged by some annoying hag. It’s not all about you but that’s how you see it. Free the man up for a more worthy woman. And find yourself a janitor or something similar to marry as that’s higher on your priority list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t buy this “men don’t see the mess” of “men don’t care about the mess.” Pay a cleaner $300 to fully clean your house top to bottom. I guarantee that he will see what they missed, and he will care.

The question is not “how to make him see it,” but “how to make him see it as his responsibility.”

That's your mission in life, to make him see it is his responsibility, his obligation, to change? That's messed up in the head. The timing - post wedding - is poor.

No. My mission in life is to try to be as good of a doctor as possible to my patients, and to raise my children into kind, honest, productive adults.

But on this issue, I just want to point out that I am not asking him to change. He absolutely notices and cares about these things more than I do. If we are staying at a hotel, and we come back, and his beard trimmings haven’t been cleaned out of the sink, and the bed is sloppily made, he will absolutely be upset. But at home, if the beard trimmings are in the sink or the bed is sloppily made, he will say that he doesn’t care. But because of the hotel experience, I know that he does care, and he does see it.
All I can guess is that he does see it, and doesn’t have the internal dialogue that I do, “Oh, that’s gross. Who’s job is it to clean that up? Well, I guess it’s my hair, so that makes it my job. I had better get that cleaned up before the wife comes home and gets grossed out.” Instead he has this dialogue, “oh, that’s gross, someone needs to clean that up. Who’s job is that? No ones? Well, I guess I just have to live with it. It isn’t that bad.”