How to de-lazify new husband?

[Anonymous]

Wow. He sounds like a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t buy this “men don’t see the mess” of “men don’t care about the mess.” Pay a cleaner $300 to fully clean your house top to bottom. I guarantee that he will see what they missed, and he will care.

The question is not “how to make him see it,” but “how to make him see it as his responsibility.”

That's your mission in life, to make him see it is his responsibility, his obligation, to change? That's messed up in the head. The timing - post wedding - is poor.

No. My mission in life is to try to be as good of a doctor as possible to my patients, and to raise my children into kind, honest, productive adults.

But on this issue, I just want to point out that I am not asking him to change. He absolutely notices and cares about these things more than I do. If we are staying at a hotel, and we come back, and his beard trimmings haven’t been cleaned out of the sink, and the bed is sloppily made, he will absolutely be upset. But at home, if the beard trimmings are in the sink or the bed is sloppily made, he will say that he doesn’t care. But because of the hotel experience, I know that he does care, and he does see it.
All I can guess is that he does see it, and doesn’t have the internal dialogue that I do, “Oh, that’s gross. Who’s job is it to clean that up? Well, I guess it’s my hair, so that makes it my job. I had better get that cleaned up before the wife comes home and gets grossed out.” Instead he has this dialogue, “oh, that’s gross, someone needs to clean that up. Who’s job is that? No ones? Well, I guess I just have to live with it. It isn’t that bad.”

OP, since you are still here, can you please answer how you did not know this about him prior to marriage?

[Anonymous]

Why did you marry someone like this? Did you think he would change upon getting married? To me, this is the whole point of living with someone before marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry someone like this? Did you think he would change upon getting married? To me, this is the whole point of living with someone before marriage.

You absolutely, positively do not need to live with someone before marriage to know that they leave beard trimmings in the sink or that they throw their clothes around their room. Please.

[Anonymous]

As another perspective, I am the maid. I do 100% of the cleaning and laundry. I also make 48% of the income. But I'm okay with it and have accepted it. Whereas OP isn't happy, that's the difference.

DH is exceptionally busy and is the busiest person I've ever met. There's always been a reason he can't do his part of chores. When we first got married, he worked 60 hours a week and went to night school to get his masters, then his PhD. Then we bought a fixer upper and he gutted and renovated it completely ourselves (he has more skill than me at that, so I'm stuck scrubbing bathrooms while he muds drywall). Now he works long hours at work and travels Monday -Thurs. So when he's home I want to enjoy our time together with our kids. We're both grateful for my easy job and 5 minute commute that pays as well as his job. He's really grateful and thankful every time I do laundry, dishes, mop floors, scrub bathrooms, etc. We have a happy marriage. Also, my DH isn't lazy.

My point is- it's about being happy and thinking you're an equal partner in a marriage, not so much doing exactly 50% of chores. Mindset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have had the displeasure of discovering that my newly minted husband is lazy. He does work long hours at his job but after that he is useless. We recently moved into a new apartment and its been 2 months and he still hasn't unpacked 2 boxes full of his clothes, nor has he gone through and sorted through 2 other boxes full of his electronics and wires and odds and ends. In addition, he does not see dirt and disorder. He can live with a moldy shower and gross sink for years unless I specifically remind him to do his chores. I know it would be easy for me to just take on his chores but I do not want to end up like that. However, when I remind him that it is his turn to clean the bathroon he will get annoyed and huff and puff.

He is 30 years old.

I woke up at 6:00 am because I thought about all this and couldn't go back to sleep. This is very unattractive and I want out.

This is the best advice you will get. Ignore it at your peril.

He will not change. You might be able to bug/annoy him enough to do the things you want but you will both end up resenting each other over it. It will become a pattern and it won't end well.

You have 3 choices:

1. Accept who he is and do what you want with this stuff. It's obviously not vital to him, so stuff it in a garage, shed, storage room, etc. Either clean the bathroom yourself or tell him you are hiring a cleaner to come in 2x/month and he's paying half (not sure how your finances work).

2. Tell him he has until (insert date but give him at least a week) before you throw it away/donate it to ______ .

3. Decide this is a deal-breaker and you made a mistake. There are no kids, so the impact should not be as dramatic. Learn from your mistakes and make sure you look for signs before tying the knot again.

[Anonymous]

Oh, and I agree with the poster immediately above me, it's all about your mindset. No couple is going to agree on everything. It's about compromise. Decide what you can live with and once you decide, don't dwell on the negative. If you decide to clean the bathroom, accept it and enjoy it because it's what you need to be happy (he obviously doesn't need that)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry someone like this? Did you think he would change upon getting married? To me, this is the whole point of living with someone before marriage.

You absolutely, positively do not need to live with someone before marriage to know that they leave beard trimmings in the sink or that they throw their clothes around their room. Please.

Not sure what problem you’re trying to solve. Living with someone is fantastic practice for marrying the person. You learn everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have had the displeasure of discovering that my newly minted husband is lazy. He does work long hours at his job but after that he is useless. We recently moved into a new apartment and its been 2 months and he still hasn't unpacked 2 boxes full of his clothes, nor has he gone through and sorted through 2 other boxes full of his electronics and wires and odds and ends. In addition, he does not see dirt and disorder. He can live with a moldy shower and gross sink for years unless I specifically remind him to do his chores. I know it would be easy for me to just take on his chores but I do not want to end up like that. However, when I remind him that it is his turn to clean the bathroon he will get annoyed and huff and puff.

He is 30 years old.

I woke up at 6:00 am because I thought about all this and couldn't go back to sleep. This is very unattractive and I want out.

This is my DH exactly. And worse for me when we lived together as grad students pre-marriage he was very neat so I was surprised. Some people can’t manage when they are working crazy hours. Just hire cleaning people. There is no light at the end of the tunnel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry someone like this? Did you think he would change upon getting married? To me, this is the whole point of living with someone before marriage.

You absolutely, positively do not need to live with someone before marriage to know that they leave beard trimmings in the sink or that they throw their clothes around their room. Please.

Not sure what problem you’re trying to solve. Living with someone is fantastic practice for marrying the person. You learn everything.

I am not saying don't live with someone before marriage. I am saying that OP knew damn well that her husband was like this before she married him, whether she lived with him or not. The fact that she is acting snotty and indignant despite that fact is really easily as unattractive as her husband's bad habits. Water seeks its level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No kids, get out. Now.

No checklist, or even juju can fix it.

I have seen this too many times.


When kids come, you will be miserable.

+1

~22 years in and should have gotten out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did you not know he was like this before marriage? And you want out after 2 months of laziness? That’s insane. Do you even love him?

OP here. I wasn't being serious. It is just so so so frustrating to keep nagging him. I don't want to nag! But I also am sick of living in a mess!

Get back to us after a kid or two. It will be a million times worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry someone like this? Did you think he would change upon getting married? To me, this is the whole point of living with someone before marriage.

NP here, I would never live with someone before marriage. I don’t practice marriage. You don’t need to live with someone to know them. There were no surprises when I married DH.

Plus, if it doesnt work out and you lived together, that’s a black mark against you in the future.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, you should read today’s Carolyn Hax in the Post. It’s literally the same issue in the marriage. You can read her advice and there are always commenters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Clean people don't automatically become messy people after marriage. Life doesn't work that way.

Stop whining and life with your choices.

+1

And give me a break - you don’t need to live together to pick up on a partner being lazy and unclean. You weren’t paying enough attention while you were dating.

But let me guess, you wanted a ring?