How to de-lazify new husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t buy this “men don’t see the mess” of “men don’t care about the mess.” Pay a cleaner $300 to fully clean your house top to bottom. I guarantee that he will see what they missed, and he will care.

The question is not “how to make him see it,” but “how to make him see it as his responsibility.”

That's your mission in life, to make him see it is his responsibility, his obligation, to change? That's messed up in the head. The timing - post wedding - is poor.

No. My mission in life is to try to be as good of a doctor as possible to my patients, and to raise my children into kind, honest, productive adults.

But on this issue, I just want to point out that I am not asking him to change. He absolutely notices and cares about these things more than I do. If we are staying at a hotel, and we come back, and his beard trimmings haven’t been cleaned out of the sink, and the bed is sloppily made, he will absolutely be upset. But at home, if the beard trimmings are in the sink or the bed is sloppily made, he will say that he doesn’t care. But because of the hotel experience, I know that he does care, and he does see it.
All I can guess is that he does see it, and doesn’t have the internal dialogue that I do, “Oh, that’s gross. Who’s job is it to clean that up? Well, I guess it’s my hair, so that makes it my job. I had better get that cleaned up before the wife comes home and gets grossed out.” Instead he has this dialogue, “oh, that’s gross, someone needs to clean that up. Who’s job is that? No ones? Well, I guess I just have to live with it. It isn’t that bad.”

Dude. You can't guess what another person's inner dialogue. You need to communicate with him. Nagging isn't communication.

Sit down and have a real conversation with him. Let him know its confusing when he notices messes in a hotel but does nothing about it at home. Discuss setting up an area he can dump his crap.

Be a grown up and talk to him.

[Anonymous]

Hire a cleaner, make sure he knows how much it costs. Done. If he wants to save the money, he needs to do the cleaning.

[Anonymous]

Accept him for who he is and accept your commitment to the marriage. Then open your eyes to the good things about him like he manages money well while you can’t pay a bill on time, but your good at seeing dirt! Just an example to show I’m sure there’s a horrible weakness in you that he can’t stand but I hope he too is committed to the marriage and is willing to accept and work through it.

[Anonymous]

You're a doctor. Why are you going to hotels where they don't clean up the hairy mess in the sink?

[Anonymous]

This is going to kill your marriage slowly and it will die from a million little paper cuts.
You need to understand that kids will only magnify anything he does or doesn't do that you don't like (and visa versa).
This would be a deal breaker for me personally as I get stressed and anxious in cluttered spaces.
My husband has an area of our bedroom on his side where he literally just piles clothing, books etc and organizes it once a weekend. I can't directly see it so that is our compromise.
He has a basket in the kitchen for mail and one by our bed for lotion, nail trimmers etc.
Over time he has grown to love my organization because he always knows where something is and isn't searching for it around the house.

The difference is, my DH knew i was like this when we got married and I knew he liked to pile up things. We developed a strategy that worked because we BOTH wanted it to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have had the displeasure of discovering that my newly minted husband is lazy. He does work long hours at his job but after that he is useless. We recently moved into a new apartment and its been 2 months and he still hasn't unpacked 2 boxes full of his clothes, nor has he gone through and sorted through 2 other boxes full of his electronics and wires and odds and ends. In addition, he does not see dirt and disorder. He can live with a moldy shower and gross sink for years unless I specifically remind him to do his chores. I know it would be easy for me to just take on his chores but I do not want to end up like that. However, when I remind him that it is his turn to clean the bathroon he will get annoyed and huff and puff.

He is 30 years old.

I woke up at 6:00 am because I thought about all this and couldn't go back to sleep. This is very unattractive and I want out.

Marriage sounds awesome. Where do I sign up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Accept him for who he is and accept your commitment to the marriage. Then open your eyes to the good things about him like he manages money well while you can’t pay a bill on time, but your good at seeing dirt! Just an example to show I’m sure there’s a horrible weakness in you that he can’t stand but I hope he too is committed to the marriage and is willing to accept and work through it.

Men look for good things about women. Women, on the other hand, search for things to bitch and complain about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did you not know he was like this before marriage? And you want out after 2 months of laziness? That’s insane. Do you even love him?

She loves him to the point he's an ATM, a sperm provider and helps babysit the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. I wasn't being serious. It is just so so so frustrating to keep nagging him. I don't want to nag! But I also am sick of living in a mess!

You are one stupid "doctor."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have had the displeasure of discovering that my newly minted husband is lazy. He does work long hours at his job but after that he is useless. We recently moved into a new apartment and its been 2 months and he still hasn't unpacked 2 boxes full of his clothes, nor has he gone through and sorted through 2 other boxes full of his electronics and wires and odds and ends. In addition, he does not see dirt and disorder. He can live with a moldy shower and gross sink for years unless I specifically remind him to do his chores. I know it would be easy for me to just take on his chores but I do not want to end up like that. However, when I remind him that it is his turn to clean the bathroon he will get annoyed and huff and puff.

He is 30 years old.

I woke up at 6:00 am because I thought about all this and couldn't go back to sleep. This is very unattractive and I want out.

This is how we got Trump

[Anonymous]

I like this thread just because of the title. De-lazifying is a new thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have had the displeasure of discovering that my newly minted husband is lazy. He does work long hours at his jobbut after that he is useless. We recently moved into a new apartment and its been 2 months and he still hasn't unpacked 2 boxes full of his clothes, nor has he gone through and sorted through 2 other boxes full of his electronics and wires and odds and ends. In addition, he does not see dirt and disorder. He can live with a moldy shower and gross sink for years unless I specifically remind him to do his chores. I know it would be easy for me to just take on his chores but I do not want to end up like that. However, when I remind him that it is his turn to clean the bathroon he will get annoyed and huff and puff.

He is 30 years old.

I woke up at 6:00 am because I thought about all this and couldn't go back to sleep. This is very unattractive and I want out.

Yes I see he is last but works long hours? I guess those long work hours do not count because he is not working for you. Do you work?

[Anonymous]

Your post sure attracted a lot of attention, so I won't add to the mix except to say passive aggressive men who were "mommied" by their moms probably won't change until they see a reason to change. Threats will just push him further away. He must be able to love you enough to protect what matters the most.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had the displeasure of discovering that my newly minted husband is lazy. He does work long hours at his jobbut after that he is useless. We recently moved into a new apartment and its been 2 months and he still hasn't unpacked 2 boxes full of his clothes, nor has he gone through and sorted through 2 other boxes full of his electronics and wires and odds and ends. In addition, he does not see dirt and disorder. He can live with a moldy shower and gross sink for years unless I specifically remind him to do his chores. I know it would be easy for me to just take on his chores but I do not want to end up like that. However, when I remind him that it is his turn to clean the bathroon he will get annoyed and huff and puff.

He is 30 years old.

I woke up at 6:00 am because I thought about all this and couldn't go back to sleep. This is very unattractive and I want out.

Yes I see he is last but works long hours? I guess those long work hours do not count because he is not working for you. Do you work?

Ehhhhh. My husband has ADD and can't get his tasks completed at work in a normal 8 hour shift that everyone else works, so he stays late. Work smarter, not longer!

At my job, I see plenty of guys that stay late to get out of the drudgery of cooking, bathing and reading to children. They make sure to time it so they get home around 7pm when all those tasks are done and then they can just watch netflix the rest of the night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hire a cleaner, make sure he knows how much it costs. Done. If he wants to save the money, he needs to do the cleaning.

We did this for private school too, times two kids.
Anytime he wants to be an involved parent and teach/help/coach his kids, we’ll go to public school. Meanwhile, I need all the help and kid feedback I can get plus easier logistics (everything is after school, at school).