Is it ok to host a birthday party but only ask a few of the kids to sleep over?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you invite some guests to the wedding ceremony, but not the reception?

You're equating these two events? SMH.

As a matter of fact, not everyone gets to attend all parts of the wedding. Isn't there a rehearsal wedding for family and close friends only? Then there's the bridesmaid/groomsmen grouping. And some people get to sit in the front row at the church or temple and others have to stand in the back. Really not a good analogy.

[Anonymous]

No. How shitty would the other kids feel who aren't in the "inner, preferred" circle? Jeez. The choice is either (1) invite 11 girls and either have them all sleep over or give up the idea of a sleepover OR (2) invite 6 girls and have 6 girls sleep over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm American and people here are WAY too sensitive. Not everyone gets invited to everything.

Have the sleepover girls arrive 15 minutes beforehand to stash their bags/pillows away in a room or closet and tell them not to brag about the sleepover.

Excluding ONE girl would be totally cruel. Having half stay is fine.

What message does this send? That it should be a secret? Doesn't that in fact suggest that the girls' might be sensitive to this? Weird logic you have.

[Anonymous]

Big bag of nopes. OP, you have your answer.

[Anonymous]

Beyond awful idea.

[Anonymous]

Awful, awful, mean idea.

Everybody who's invited gets also invited to sleep over.

Or, no one is invited to sleep over.

That is it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woah, I guess Monday morning is a good time to get a ton of responses in a very short time.

Thanks to all the helpful replies, I came on here with a genuine concern seeking people's opinions, and now I have a clearer sense of what's acceptable.

To everyone else who responded with totally uncalled for aggression, describing my daughter as 'rude' and 'mean' -- even though she's trying her best to compromise with me and with her wider group of friends -- try being a bit kinder in your assumptions next time. Most children really are neither rude or mean, [b]they're still learning how society works[/b].

Well, apparently you, the parent, are still learning how society works too. That is why we are shocked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 12 year old DD has a lot of friends -- too many friends for my taste, but that's another story. Anyway. She wants to invite 11 girls to her birthday at a venue such as Shadowlands, and she also wants to have a sleepover with 6 of her closest friends on the same day. I told her we can't afford to take 11 kids to a venue, if she wants to invite that many kids, we need to do something at home. She's agreed to that, but she won't give up the sleepover. I suggested to her that we have the 6 closest kids come over a few weeks later for a regular sleepover, so the 5 kids who are not staying for a sleepover don't get offended, but she says then the sleepover won't be a birthday sleepover any more. She wants it all to be on the same day. Long story short - is it ok to host a party for 11 girls but only having 6 girls stay for the sleep over? I assume that will cause all kinds of friction. DD is arguing that the friction of not being invited to the sleepover is the lesser of the two evils, because 5 kids in the wider circle will be really upset if they're not invited to anything at all. We're new to the US and I'm not sure what the etiquette on this should be. Thanks.

Nope- it's rude-- like letting the other five know that the varsity friends gets to sleep over and the jv friends have to go home. They didn't make the cut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm American and people here are WAY too sensitive. Not everyone gets invited to everything.

Have the sleepover girls arrive 15 minutes beforehand to stash their bags/pillows away in a room or closet and tell them not to brag about the sleepover.

Excluding ONE girl would be totally cruel. Having half stay is fine.

Pro tip: if you are holding an event for children and need to have the kids who are invited keep it secret, because other kids will be hurt, you should rethink your plans.

Actually, that isn't a pro tip, it's basic decency that shouldn't have to be spelled out. But here we are.

[Anonymous]

Don’t do this.

There’s no kind way to structure it kindly. There will be hurt feelings. I understand that you wish your daughter wasn’t such a social butterfly, but giving her a reputation as a mean girl is not the way to go about it. The other girls will find out and it will look like the girls not sleeping over are the back up friends. Why go out of your way to make other kids feel like that?

As an aside. If my daughter happened to be a B-list friend, I would be wary of you and your daughter in the future. And, if my daughter was one of the A-list friends I would be especially wary of your kid. Friendships change a lot as teens grow up. You’re showing me that your daughter would handle a waning friendship in a very exclusionary and mean way.

[Anonymous]

DD's friend did this. DD was invited to the 1st party but not the sleepover. And that's ok. You can't be best friends to everybody. If you're so sheltered how are you going to learn to cope when you go out to the real world?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD's friend did this. DD was invited to the 1st party but not the sleepover. And that's ok. You can't be best friends to everybody. If you're so sheltered how are you going to learn to cope when you go out to the real world?

We cope by being friends with people who treat us well and moving on from people who don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woah, I guess Monday morning is a good time to get a ton of responses in a very short time.

Thanks to all the helpful replies, I came on here with a genuine concern seeking people's opinions, and now I have a clearer sense of what's acceptable.

To everyone else who responded with totally uncalled for aggression, describing my daughter as 'rude' and 'mean' -- even though she's trying her best to compromise with me and with her wider group of friends -- try being a bit kinder in your assumptions next time. Most children really are neither rude or mean, [b]they're still learning how society works[/b].

Well, apparently you, the parent, are still learning how society works too. That is why we are shocked.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD's friend did this. DD was invited to the 1st party but not the sleepover. And that's ok. You can't be best friends to everybody. If you're so sheltered how are you going to learn to cope when you go out to the real world?

We cope by being friends with people who treat us well and moving on from people who don’t.

+1

This. I am not going to teach my daughter that she should do whatever she wants, and not to care about the totally foreseeable hurt feelings she will cause, because everyone else should just suck it up and not expect to be coddled. I want her to be a considerate person who takes other people's feelings into account when making decisions, not just her own. I always tell her that she doesn't have to be friends with everyone, but she does have to be kind. She doesn't have to invite everyone to her party, but creating an A-list and a B-list is just unnecessary. This isn't about "best friends," it's about excluding five kids out of a group of eleven.

And she's learning that sometimes she'll be excluded, that sometimes other people aren't considerate, etc. People like you make sure of it! But I don't want her to *be* that kind of person. And she's learning how to cope with that, how to be resilient, and how to choose friends wisely. Which are important. But so is learning to be kind, inclusive, and thoughtful.

[Anonymous]

No. Unless she wants to be known as a mean girl and lose those friends who get sent home.