Is it ok to host a birthday party but only ask a few of the kids to sleep over?

[Anonymous]

No, no. no. Incredibly rude. Just don't invite more than can sleep over or don't have a sleep over.

My son was invited to a b-day party for a kid that he played with occasionally, had known for years through school and sports, had a few play dates but wasn't best buddies. They always invited each other to parties. They had friends in common. The last party though my son and one other boy were the only ones not invited to sleep over. The mom had sent out 10 invitations and told her son that he could have 6 friends sleep over. Two kids declined that weren't on the sleep over list. My son felt very awkward that his others friends were asking why he wasn't sleeping over and he kept having to say he was invited to do that part of the party. He didn't know the other kid that came and wasn't invited to the sleep over so its not like they could commiserate. DS came home pretty upset and would have rather just not been invited to the party at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 12 year old DD has a lot of friends -- too many friends for my taste, but that's another story. Anyway. She wants to invite 11 girls to her birthday at a venue such as Shadowlands, and she also wants to have a sleepover with 6 of her closest friends on the same day. I told her we can't afford to take 11 kids to a venue, if she wants to invite that many kids, we need to do something at home. She's agreed to that, but she won't give up the sleepover. I suggested to her that we have the 6 closest kids come over a few weeks later for a regular sleepover, so the 5 kids who are not staying for a sleepover don't get offended, but she says then the sleepover won't be a birthday sleepover any more. She wants it all to be on the same day. Long story short - is it ok to host a party for 11 girls but only having 6 girls stay for the sleep over? I assume that will cause all kinds of friction. DD is arguing that the friction of not being invited to the sleepover is the lesser of the two evils, because 5 kids in the wider circle will be really upset if they're not invited to anything at all. We're new to the US and I'm not sure what the etiquette on this should be. Thanks.

Nope, not okay on any level. I don't even agree that 1 or 2 should stay. Do the sleepover another day or not at all. This would very rude and definitely mean girlish. Can you imagine how the HALF of the girls who didn't get in invited to stay would feel. Why would you want to be so cruel?

[Anonymous]

No. That is really rude to the other guests. Either have a small sleepover or have big party or have 2 events on different days but definitely not the same day.

[Anonymous]

No. All or nothing.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read the entire thread. Speaking as someone who attended one of these parties and was not invited to sleep over, and having the sleepover girls hang around in the foyer waiting for the non-sleepers to be picked up so they could start the movie/ popcorn/ etc.- it was really embarrassing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woah, I guess Monday morning is a good time to get a ton of responses in a very short time.

Thanks to all the helpful replies, I came on here with a genuine concern seeking people's opinions, and now I have a clearer sense of what's acceptable.

To everyone else who responded with totally uncalled for aggression, describing my daughter as 'rude' and 'mean' -- even though she's trying her best to compromise with me and with her wider group of friends -- try being a bit kinder in your assumptions next time. Most children really are neither rude or mean, [b]they're still learning how society works[/b].

Well, apparently you, the parent, are still learning how society works too. That is why we are shocked.

+1.

So those types of responses aren’t mean, rude and cruel?! You are actually *bullying* a mom who came to an anonymous board to ask for advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is incredibly rude and mean girl type behavior.

She can have a party and one girl sleeps over, no big deal.

Or she can have a party and all the girls sleep over. Wonderful.

But having a party where just over half the girls sleep over? Rude and mean.

It's not rude or mean. It's highly unlikely that a teen is equally close to 11 friends. Also, having 11 kids sleep over is a lot. I don't view this as mean girl behavior. Also, before you start saying that's likely because I was a mean girl or that my girls are likely mean girls, I wasn't, and my DD would likely be one of the excluded girls because she's shy and introverted. Labeling everything mean girl type behavior is counterproductive. I guess OP should just not inclythe extra five girls in any part of the evening because of people like you.

Honestly, I do think that just inviting the 6 would be kinder, than inviting the other 5 and then rubbing it in their face that they have to go home halfway through.

I understand the logic of "you don't have to invite the whole class", but once someone is invited, they need to be treated equally with all the other guests. If you allow your tween to say "Well, I like you but less than them, so you get less than them." Where does it stop? Do you invite your friends and serve some steak and some hamburger?

[Anonymous]

Not OK

[Anonymous]

How is this a question, OP? Your DD sounds pretty spoiled.

[Anonymous]

It's not even close to okay, and DCUM is right to call you out on it. It's not your daughter's fault, but please try to teach her some manners and empathy.

[Anonymous]

I can still remember having this situation happen when I was a around 5th and 6th grade. No matter how much of a secret you think it is, the kids not invited to the sleepover part always know and it's so hurtful. I still remember wishing one day I would be part of the group that got to stay. It's one thing to have a smaller party and not invite everyone then to have a big party and then weed out the not as good guests.

[Anonymous]

Whether it’s rude or not-or that others have said it wasn’t a big deal I think it’s just unkind. You and your DD have no true idea of how hurtful it will be for any of the second tier but by design you’d set out to exclude them. There’s never been one of these parties where ‘word’ didn’t get out and honestly-doesn’t the request for secrecy just acknowledge that the group is trying to hide something from others so just pushes everyone else further away!?!

Have a sleepover party for the number of kids you can handle or a bigger not stayover.

[Anonymous]

I did this for my DD's party of 10. However the actual party was held at an external venue. Parents dropped off and picked up the girls at the venue and I took two girls home with DD and they had a sleepover.

I think two things make it awkward in your scenario - having it in your house so its not a natural end to the event and also the fact that half the girls are sleeping over.

[Anonymous]

No.

[Anonymous]

Nap. Not okay.

I would think so little of you as a parent and a person if you did this, OP.