My head and my heart can’t agree on 50/50 custody

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just let him fail and slowly move to more custody for [b]youself
He isn't going to change who he is and actually start doing the work.

NO. Do NOT take 50/50 custody but do more than 50 percent of the work. WHY would you tell a woman this? Why are women even open to doing this? You think a man would do this? Do NOT do his work for him. He won’t even be your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’ll figure it out. The only reason he wasn’t doing it before is because you were.

This. Men will almost always accept unpaid labor from women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It shouldn't. Most men aren't near the parents moms are. It is just a dodge to not pay child support.

OP, just start at 50/50 and take all the extra time he gives up. Don't trade. He will start dropping time when he realizes how much work it is to actually parent. Or he will start dating again and lose interest in spending so much time with the kids.

Dad's don't parent exactly like moms but they are loved by their children and parent in their own way. It's a shame so many women minimize the love kids have for their dad in marriage and in divorce. You had kids with the dude. He's their parent and guess what, even if you hate what he feeds your kids or how he dresses them, your kids love him and need/want him in their life as much as they need you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It shouldn't. Most men aren't near the parents moms are. It is just a dodge to not pay child support.

OP, just start at 50/50 and take all the extra time he gives up. Don't trade. He will start dropping time when he realizes how much work it is to actually parent. Or he will start dating again and lose interest in spending so much time with the kids.

Dad's don't parent exactly like moms but they are loved by their children and parent in their own way. It's a shame so many women minimize the love kids have for their dad in marriage and in divorce. You had kids with the dude. He's their parent and guess what, even if you hate what he feeds your kids or how he dresses them, your kids love him and need/want him in their life as much as they need you.

Please. Moms aren’t concerned about what dad feeeds and dresses them in. You’re clueless. Moms are concerned IF their kids are fed and that they are picked up from school, childcare is arranged, mandatory doctors appointments scheduled etc. But see feeding your kids requires planning. Food doesn’t just appear in your fridge, especially after working all day. And you have to schedule with babysitters, nannies etc to arrange childcare. Most women wish their biggest concern was their husband feeding or dressing their child in something silly. No, we are concerned with their safety and well-being. Kind of like how we arenconcerned with the other actions common of men like sexual assault, sexual abuse and assault. Men have problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know lots of dads who didn't quit and I find it pretty sexist when people make those broad sweeping generalizations.

I had one friend who divorced sice she said her husband was not involved at all and all he did was play video games. After they divorced he totally changed and has been a very involved dad with 50% custody since. He has a very different perspective than my friend on his lack of involvement during their marriage.

What was his perspective on his lack of involvement?

His perspective was that he didn't feel there was a way for him to be involved. My friend is very Type A and her ex was far more laid back. She had everything planned, had read every book, had an idea of how everything should be...and so he felt any idea or opinion he had was immediately dismissed because it wasn't as informed as hers. He didn't feel he was seen as an equal parent - more as a mom's sidekick or assistant. My friend had PPD and had a lot of guilt and he felt that anything he did anything, she interpreted that as his way of saying she wasn't a good mother. He said his interactions with the kids seen to just create fights so he withdrew. Then he himself got very depressed and he lost the motivation to keep trying. He was always stressed at home and withdrew and isolated himself. She drank and got mad to cope, he withdrew and played video games to cope.

Once they divorced, he said he felt like a different person, he was able to form his own relationship with the kids, and as that bond grew, he became more and more involved. Within a year of the divorce he wad 50/50 custody and was very involved in everything. The divorce was 12 years ago. The parents are now great friends, both remarried and all hang out together and they have co-parented really well for the last 10 years. They both realized they had been part of the problem and that they were terrible for each other but actually good at raising kids together.

NP. Thanks for sharing this perpective. A lot of similarities in what your friend experienced, and what happened with my ex and I. We are just starting the journey, but both giving the 50/50 a try despite how historical dynamics were. We put in safe guards to help when we hit challenges (e.g. agreeing to annual reviews of the parenting plan, agreeing to a family counselor that we will involve kids with and refer to for suggestions if we hit co-parenting conflicts). Where your friends are is where I hope we are able to be one day. I am optimistic. Our horrible relationship past has nothing to do with the potential for our child's future if we get this right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It shouldn't. Most men aren't near the parents moms are. It is just a dodge to not pay child support.

OP, just start at 50/50 and take all the extra time he gives up. Don't trade. He will start dropping time when he realizes how much work it is to actually parent. Or he will start dating again and lose interest in spending so much time with the kids.

Dad's don't parent exactly like moms but they are loved by their children and parent in their own way. It's a shame so many women minimize the love kids have for their dad in marriage and in divorce. You had kids with the dude. He's their parent and guess what, even if you hate what he feeds your kids or how he dresses them, your kids love him and need/want him in their life as much as they need you.

Please. Moms aren’t concerned about what dad feeeds and dresses them in. You’re clueless. Moms are concerned IF their kids are fed and that they are picked up from school, childcare is arranged, mandatory doctors appointments scheduled etc. But see feeding your kids requires planning. Food doesn’t just appear in your fridge, especially after working all day. And you have to schedule with babysitters, nannies etc to arrange childcare. Most women wish their biggest concern was their husband feeding or dressing their child in something silly. No, we are concerned with their safety and well-being. Kind of like how we arenconcerned with the other actions common of men like sexual assault, sexual abuse and assault. Men have problems.

Well this all goes back to why you chose to have kids with a dude you couldn't trust to even feedback your kids. Yeah, your life is gonna be hard when you make those choices. Men as a group have a lot of issues, but a lot of women a) choose to have kids with shitty mean and b) can't separate how a man is as a husband from how he is as a dad. You gave your kids that dad, and kids love their parents. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’ll figure it out. The only reason he wasn’t doing it before is because you were.

This. Men will almost always accept unpaid labor from women.

LMAO like women don't freeload on men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It shouldn't. Most men aren't near the parents moms are. It is just a dodge to not pay child support.

OP, just start at 50/50 and take all the extra time he gives up. Don't trade. He will start dropping time when he realizes how much work it is to actually parent. Or he will start dating again and lose interest in spending so much time with the kids.

Dad's don't parent exactly like moms but they are loved by their children and parent in their own way. It's a shame so many women minimize the love kids have for their dad in marriage and in divorce. You had kids with the dude. He's their parent and guess what, even if you hate what he feeds your kids or how he dresses them, your kids love him and need/want him in their life as much as they need you.

Please. Moms aren’t concerned about what dad feeeds and dresses them in. You’re clueless. Moms are concerned IF their kids are fed and that they are picked up from school, childcare is arranged, mandatory doctors appointments scheduled etc. But see feeding your kids requires planning. Food doesn’t just appear in your fridge, especially after working all day. And you have to schedule with babysitters, nannies etc to arrange childcare. Most women wish their biggest concern was their husband feeding or dressing their child in something silly. No, we are concerned with their safety and well-being. Kind of like how we arenconcerned with the other actions common of men like sexual assault, sexual abuse and assault. Men have problems.

What a load of baloney. I don't believe for a moment that anyone on DCUM has an XDH who does not feed his kids, arrange childcare, or schedule doctor's appointments. Maybe these men don't do it the way their harpy ex-wives prefer them to do it, or maybe they don't do it because their harpy ex-wives demanded full custody and therefore do all that stuff themselves, but that's an entirely different matter.

Sexual assault and abuse is not a "common" action of men. You are twisted in the head. YOU have problems, not "men". Seek help!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It shouldn't. Most men aren't near the parents moms are. It is just a dodge to not pay child support.

OP, just start at 50/50 and take all the extra time he gives up. Don't trade. He will start dropping time when he realizes how much work it is to actually parent. Or he will start dating again and lose interest in spending so much time with the kids.

Dad's don't parent exactly like moms but they are loved by their children and parent in their own way. It's a shame so many women minimize the love kids have for their dad in marriage and in divorce. You had kids with the dude. He's their parent and guess what, even if you hate what he feeds your kids or how he dresses them, your kids love him and need/want him in their life as much as they need you.

Please. Moms aren’t concerned about what dad feeeds and dresses them in. You’re clueless. Moms are concerned IF their kids are fed and that they are picked up from school, childcare is arranged, mandatory doctors appointments scheduled etc. But see feeding your kids requires planning. Food doesn’t just appear in your fridge, especially after working all day. And you have to schedule with babysitters, nannies etc to arrange childcare. Most women wish their biggest concern was their husband feeding or dressing their child in something silly. No, we are concerned with their safety and well-being. Kind of like how we arenconcerned with the other actions common of men like sexual assault, sexual abuse and assault. Men have problems.

What a load of baloney. I don't believe for a moment that anyone on DCUM has an XDH who does not feed his kids, arrange childcare, or schedule doctor's appointments. Maybe these men don't do it the way their harpy ex-wives prefer them to do it, or maybe they don't do it because their harpy ex-wives demanded full custody and therefore do all that stuff themselves, but that's an entirely different matter.

Sexual assault and abuse is not a "common" action of men. You are twisted in the head. YOU have problems, not "men". Seek help!

1/4 women are assaulted. Yes, it IS common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It shouldn't. Most men aren't near the parents moms are. It is just a dodge to not pay child support.

OP, just start at 50/50 and take all the extra time he gives up. Don't trade. He will start dropping time when he realizes how much work it is to actually parent. Or he will start dating again and lose interest in spending so much time with the kids.

Dad's don't parent exactly like moms but they are loved by their children and parent in their own way. It's a shame so many women minimize the love kids have for their dad in marriage and in divorce. You had kids with the dude. He's their parent and guess what, even if you hate what he feeds your kids or how he dresses them, your kids love him and need/want him in their life as much as they need you.

Please. Moms aren’t concerned about what dad feeeds and dresses them in. You’re clueless. Moms are concerned IF their kids are fed and that they are picked up from school, childcare is arranged, mandatory doctors appointments scheduled etc. But see feeding your kids requires planning. Food doesn’t just appear in your fridge, especially after working all day. And you have to schedule with babysitters, nannies etc to arrange childcare. Most women wish their biggest concern was their husband feeding or dressing their child in something silly. No, we are concerned with their safety and well-being. Kind of like how we arenconcerned with the other actions common of men like sexual assault, sexual abuse and assault. Men have problems.

What a load of baloney. I don't believe for a moment that anyone on DCUM has an XDH who does not feed his kids, arrange childcare, or schedule doctor's appointments. Maybe these men don't do it the way their harpy ex-wives prefer them to do it, or maybe they don't do it because their harpy ex-wives demanded full custody and therefore do all that stuff themselves, but that's an entirely different matter.

Sexual assault and abuse is not a "common" action of men. You are twisted in the head. YOU have problems, not "men". Seek help!

1/4 women are assaulted. Yes, it IS common.

Bullshit. They have expanded the definition in order to make it "common".

[Anonymous]

Do you have a choice? I thought 50/50 was a given unless there are valid reasons on either side not to.

I know women who fail to feed their kids, get them to school etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It shouldn't. Most men aren't near the parents moms are. It is just a dodge to not pay child support.

OP, just start at 50/50 and take all the extra time he gives up. Don't trade. He will start dropping time when he realizes how much work it is to actually parent. Or he will start dating again and lose interest in spending so much time with the kids.

Dad's don't parent exactly like moms but they are loved by their children and parent in their own way. It's a shame so many women minimize the love kids have for their dad in marriage and in divorce. You had kids with the dude. He's their parent and guess what, even if you hate what he feeds your kids or how he dresses them, your kids love him and need/want him in their life as much as they need you.

Please. Moms aren’t concerned about what dad feeeds and dresses them in. You’re clueless. Moms are concerned IF their kids are fed and that they are picked up from school, childcare is arranged, mandatory doctors appointments scheduled etc. But see feeding your kids requires planning. Food doesn’t just appear in your fridge, especially after working all day. And you have to schedule with babysitters, nannies etc to arrange childcare. Most women wish their biggest concern was their husband feeding or dressing their child in something silly. No, we are concerned with their safety and well-being. Kind of like how we arenconcerned with the other actions common of men like sexual assault, sexual abuse and assault. Men have problems.

What a load of baloney. I don't believe for a moment that anyone on DCUM has an XDH who does not feed his kids, arrange childcare, or schedule doctor's appointments. Maybe these men don't do it the way their harpy ex-wives prefer them to do it, or maybe they don't do it because their harpy ex-wives demanded full custody and therefore do all that stuff themselves, but that's an entirely different matter.

Sexual assault and abuse is not a "common" action of men. You are twisted in the head. YOU have problems, not "men". Seek help!

1/4 women are assaulted. Yes, it IS common.

Bullshit. They have expanded the definition in order to make it "common".

Hi white male!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It shouldn't. Most men aren't near the parents moms are. It is just a dodge to not pay child support.

OP, just start at 50/50 and take all the extra time he gives up. Don't trade. He will start dropping time when he realizes how much work it is to actually parent. Or he will start dating again and lose interest in spending so much time with the kids.

Dad's don't parent exactly like moms but they are loved by their children and parent in their own way. It's a shame so many women minimize the love kids have for their dad in marriage and in divorce. You had kids with the dude. He's their parent and guess what, even if you hate what he feeds your kids or how he dresses them, your kids love him and need/want him in their life as much as they need you.

Please. Moms aren’t concerned about what dad feeeds and dresses them in. You’re clueless. Moms are concerned IF their kids are fed and that they are picked up from school, childcare is arranged, mandatory doctors appointments scheduled etc. But see feeding your kids requires planning. Food doesn’t just appear in your fridge, especially after working all day. And you have to schedule with babysitters, nannies etc to arrange childcare. Most women wish their biggest concern was their husband feeding or dressing their child in something silly. No, we are concerned with their safety and well-being. Kind of like how we arenconcerned with the other actions common of men like sexual assault, sexual abuse and assault. Men have problems.

And yet, you had kids with one.

"Most women"? No.... some women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It shouldn't. Most men aren't near the parents moms are. It is just a dodge to not pay child support.

OP, just start at 50/50 and take all the extra time he gives up. Don't trade. He will start dropping time when he realizes how much work it is to actually parent. Or he will start dating again and lose interest in spending so much time with the kids.

Dad's don't parent exactly like moms but they are loved by their children and parent in their own way. It's a shame so many women minimize the love kids have for their dad in marriage and in divorce. You had kids with the dude. He's their parent and guess what, even if you hate what he feeds your kids or how he dresses them, your kids love him and need/want him in their life as much as they need you.

Please. Moms aren’t concerned about what dad feeeds and dresses them in. You’re clueless. Moms are concerned IF their kids are fed and that they are picked up from school, childcare is arranged, mandatory doctors appointments scheduled etc. But see feeding your kids requires planning. Food doesn’t just appear in your fridge, especially after working all day. And you have to schedule with babysitters, nannies etc to arrange childcare. Most women wish their biggest concern was their husband feeding or dressing their child in something silly. No, we are concerned with their safety and well-being. Kind of like how we arenconcerned with the other actions common of men like sexual assault, sexual abuse and assault. Men have problems.

Well this all goes back to why you chose to have kids with a dude you couldn't trust to even feedback your kids. Yeah, your life is gonna be hard when you make those choices. Men as a group have a lot of issues, but a lot of women a) choose to have kids with shitty mean and b) can't separate how a man is as a husband from how he is as a dad. You gave your kids that dad, and kids love their parents. It is what it is.

I have a husband who tries to do 50/50 and is an involved parent but I can still easily see how women are the default parents and WHY. Men are typically unorganized and inept. Just taking dC to the doctor seems to stress DH out.

[Anonymous]

Your kids don’t want to ping-pong between houses. You should see if 8-10 days in a row per month works. It’s too hard to get settled in one home / routine and then pack up and go to the other parent’s house.