Single moms and dating

[Anonymous]

As a single mom we’re i to say that I’d mean that I don’t want to step into a role of mom. That’s what I would mean by “raise his kids”- a man who sees his kids every other weekend isn’t raising his kids.

I disagree. The poster at 18:05 was very clear she did not want to date single dad but wanted (or had) a single man to date her while "understanding" about her love for her son. Sadly, this type of narcissism (i.e., she is about her needs and only her needs) is far from rare and men (both fathers and non-fathers) should avoid women like this at all costs.

Many single dads want to see their kids much more than every other weekend. These dads go to every school/sports/extracurricular event they can and talk (or text, Skype, etc.) everyday. They pay child support and as much more as they can afford for things their kids want (like camp) and need (like tutors). Most single dads would fight like hell if their exDW told them that their kids' step-parent was the "dad" because he lived in the same house as she did. If your ex had the kids with him full-time, would his new wife be their mom because they saw her more often?

You can be a single dad and still raise your kids with giving in to a sense a entitlement on the part of the other parent. How many women would date a man who was looking for woman to help him raise his kids knowing he would never help raise theirs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yeah, men are just dying to find a divorced 43 year old woman with kids! That's what every guy wants!

A divorced guy with kids in his 50s would probably say yes to that.

(And then all the DCUM women scream, "No way, I'm in my 40s and ewwww 50-something to
men are too old!")

Hm weird I am actually a real live divorced early 40s woman with two kids. I’d love to meet a 50s single dad. I’d only consider a dad, actually. People who aren’t parents seem unrelatable to me. How could I be close to someone who didn’t understand the parent/child bond? His kids might be cool older kids, which mine might eventually enjoy hanging out with. I don’t want him to help me raise my kids however. Maybe get some bananas on the way home, ok. But parent? No. He can be like a friendly Uncle, max.

I empathize OP. It’s challenging.

[Anonymous]

I would only have 2 nights per month to date, otherwise I would need to hire babysitters. Theoretically I could meet someone for a drink after DC's bedtime, but I'm too exhausted and cautious to try that, especially given the odds of it being worth my while. So I'm sort of involuntarily celibate. "Incel" - but not an angry one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yeah, men are just dying to find a divorced 43 year old woman with kids! That's what every guy wants!

A divorced guy with kids in his 50s would probably say yes to that.

(And then all the DCUM women scream, "No way, I'm in my 40s and ewwww 50-something to
men are too old!")

Hm weird I am actually a real live divorced early 40s woman with two kids. I’d love to meet a 50s single dad. I’d only consider a dad, actually. People who aren’t parents seem unrelatable to me. How could I be close to someone who didn’t understand the parent/child bond? His kids might be cool older kids, which mine might eventually enjoy hanging out with. I don’t want him to help me raise my kids however. Maybe get some bananas on the way home, ok. But parent? No. He can be like a friendly Uncle, max.

I empathize OP. It’s challenging.

You should read my earlier post as it might change your perspective on us men sans kids. I chuckled at your comment as I have played the role of “Uncle R” many times as it is perfect given the circumstances... BL - if you both want it to work, you find ways to make it work...

L_S

[Anonymous]

Lonely_Sojourner wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The right man doesn't care. My now husband knew my one night off a week and that was always our date night. [/quote

Completely agree... Widowed man (4+ years) sans kids here... Most of the ladies I've been out with have kids as is quite common in the DC area. My experience is if you enjoy each other and want to spend time together, you find a way to do it. I dated a lady for 9+ months and spent a lot of time with her and the kids (movies, ballgames, water parks, etc). She was a blast to be around and her kids were a pleasure to be around as well. I hated to end it on many fronts as she is a great lady... My goal is to find a partner/teammate and odds are she will have kids. BL- they're package and I am more than prepared to accept such, knowing full well that her kids are first and I'm second...

PS - The reason we broke up was over finances (hers)...

L_S

Maybe if you stopped referring to women as “ladies” you wouldn’t be such a lonely sojourner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I would only have 2 nights per month to date, otherwise I would need to hire babysitters.

OK, so do that. That's what women with husbands do when they want to have a night out.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been a single mom since my 11 year old was 1. You make time for what’s important to you. If you meet someone you like, you will figure out a way to spend time with them, and balance that with motherhood.

Reliable babysitters are a must. You need at least 3 on your list. My parents are available if I need overnight care, for the very occasional weekend trip. Otherwise I typically employ high school and college girls in the nhood. Nextdoor app is great for finding good sitters. I’ve also found babysitters from my child’s daycare when he was younger. There’s also a nearby church that offers Friday night babysitting for $10 for 4 hours, called a Parents Nite Out. The local YMCA also offers that sometimes.

It’s important to make time for yourself. Hire a sitter and go on a date periodically, or go hang with girlfriends. That adult time and connection is essential.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Lonely_Sojourner wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The right man doesn't care. My now husband knew my one night off a week and that was always our date night. [/quote

Completely agree... Widowed man (4+ years) sans kids here... Most of the ladies I've been out with have kids as is quite common in the DC area. My experience is if you enjoy each other and want to spend time together, you find a way to do it. I dated a lady for 9+ months and spent a lot of time with her and the kids (movies, ballgames, water parks, etc). She was a blast to be around and her kids were a pleasure to be around as well. I hated to end it on many fronts as she is a great lady... My goal is to find a partner/teammate and odds are she will have kids. BL- they're package and I am more than prepared to accept such, knowing full well that her kids are first and I'm second...

PS - The reason we broke up was over finances (hers)...

L_S

Maybe if you stopped referring to women as “ladies” you wouldn’t be such a lonely sojourner.

Wow... Now that is certainly a point to ponder... Being a Southern Gentleman from Alabama, I’m afraid I will always refer to women as “ladies” as it reflects a greater level of respect. Yes, I’m old-fashioned - I still open doors, assist with jackets and other winter attire. If some of the populace find this offensive, well, then clearly we are not meant to be. Being married for 17+ years, I treated my wife as a “lady” and old habits die hard. Granted, you are certainly entitled to your own opinion; however, I will have to say that your comment is a first. Having lived in 5 countries and traveled to many others, I have never been corrected of such. Welcome to DC...

L_S

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me give you a single dad perspective; I am in a similar situation. Two kids, 50/50 custody. I understand your situation perfectly. My kids come first, too. If you can only see me infrequently, when our mutual parenting schedules permit, that's totally fine with me. If your current guy doesn't work out, find someone like me.

Single mom with two kids here. Date single dads. Boom. Nobody will understand your situation better or have more respect for you. I'll date men without children, but I don't see myself craving something long term from somebody who doesn't completely get my situation.

Single mom of one in the same situation as the OP. Single dads do not understand what it is like to have 24/7/365 responsibility for their kids if they have 50/50. I've dated a few men who said they understood my situation but obviously didn't when they would call me at the last minute for dinner/drinks, etc or to go away for the weekend. Um, I can't. I told them I needed plenty of notice for that. So I feel for you OP. I have mostly given up on dating. This is my life now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yeah, men are just dying to find a divorced 43 year old woman with kids! That's what every guy wants!

A divorced guy with kids in his 50s would probably say yes to that.

(And then all the DCUM women scream, "No way, I'm in my 40s and ewwww 50-something to
men are too old!")

Hm weird I am actually a real live divorced early 40s woman with two kids. I’d love to meet a 50s single dad. I’d only consider a dad, actually. People who aren’t parents seem unrelatable to me. How could I be close to someone who didn’t understand the parent/child bond? His kids might be cool older kids, which mine might eventually enjoy hanging out with. I don’t want him to help me raise my kids however. Maybe get some bananas on the way home, ok. But parent? No. He can be like a friendly Uncle, max.

I empathize OP. It’s challenging.

You should read my earlier post as it might change your perspective on us men sans kids. I chuckled at your comment as I have played the role of “Uncle R” many times as it is perfect given the circumstances... BL - if you both want it to work, you find ways to make it work...

L_S

okay, if you say so. i just think of myself before kids, when I liked kids and all, but i didn't grasp the all consuming nature of being a parent. it was a significant change for me, post-kids. i think i would feel anxious or pressured having to explain the depth of my obligations. sometimes i cancel on friends because of a kid thing, and they often express a sentiment i can't quite identify, but maybe a mix of annoyance and exasperhation followed by "you are SUCH a good mom". then i think, i am just being a normal Mom, this is what we do... I am still in the thick of it though. Maybe when they are older I will be back to relating to more adults. Anyway, I am a social person, love companionship and partnering. I hope to meet someone, but the thought of leaving my kids with a sitter go schmooze with some random person seems less than appealing... i do have a minor crush on one of the kids coaches however.

good luck out there, parents and parent appreciators.

[Anonymous]

All: don't give up. Once you meet someone, be upfront. Share that your kids come first, and that if they aren't up for the journey, then they can hit the road. As a single father in his 30's, I'd understand. With my career, 50% custody, and all the other intricacies of my life, I'd totally understand. Out time is limited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All: don't give up. Once you meet someone, be upfront. Share that your kids come first, and that if they aren't up for the journey, then they can hit the road. As a single father in his 30's, I'd understand. With my career, 50% custody, and all the other intricacies of my life, I'd totally understand. Out time is limited.

This is encouraging. I think other single parents understand without needing explanation. But kidless Dads, don't you want to find someone who will focus on YOU, and maybe want to have kids with you? Or if you have chosen to not have kids intentionally, then why would you want hang around with a parent who will always sort you to a second or third tier priority.
Kids
Family
Work
Friends
Exercise
Home stuff
.
.
.
.
.
.
dating.....?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All: don't give up. Once you meet someone, be upfront. Share that your kids come first, and that if they aren't up for the journey, then they can hit the road. As a single father in his 30's, I'd understand. With my career, 50% custody, and all the other intricacies of my life, I'd totally understand. Out time is limited.

This is encouraging. I think other single parents understand without needing explanation. But kidless MEN, don't you want to find someone who will focus on YOU, and maybe want to have kids with you? Or if you have chosen to not have kids intentionally, then why would you want hang around with a parent who will always sort you to a second or third tier priority.
Kids
Family
Work
Friends
Exercise
Home stuff
.
.
.
.
.
.
dating.....?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All: don't give up. Once you meet someone, be upfront. Share that your kids come first, and that if they aren't up for the journey, then they can hit the road. As a single father in his 30's, I'd understand. With my career, 50% custody, and all the other intricacies of my life, I'd totally understand. Out time is limited.

Can I ask you something?
I am a single mom of 3, work fulltime and have full custody. So my plate is really full. Only thing I miss is physical intimacy.
With my stats, I only expect to find a few times a month NSA type of arrangement with a guy. What decent man would go for that? And if so, why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This is encouraging. I think other single parents understand without needing explanation. But kidless MEN, don't you want to find someone who will focus on YOU, and maybe want to have kids with you? Or if you have chosen to not have kids intentionally, then why would you want hang around with a parent who will always sort you to a second or third tier priority.
Kids
Family
Work
Friends
Exercise
Home stuff
.
.
.
.
.
.
dating.....?

I agree. Those that share like experiences, will usually get along more easily. Though, it isn't impossible for a single parent to make things work with someone who doesn't have children. If the single person is understanding and open to such, then it may possibly work out.

I dated a woman who had children when I was in my early 20's. I felt wierd though around the little ones, mostly because I had no experience with toddlers. But dating her was the most exciting period of my dating life. I learned a thing or two about being a parent. Yes, she didn't have much time to focus on us, but I was okay with it. I think we could have gotten married had she not decided to reconnect with her children's father. A "whole family" is more important then having one where the parents aren't together to raise their children. Her logic, not mine.