SIL’s infertility issues

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should they be interested in your kids? No one thinks your kid is special except for you. Parents like you annoy so many people. Get over yourself!

OP here. I don’t expect them to show tons of enthusiasm, but we all live in various states and abroad. I thought they would at least show up when we brought babies back to our parents house over holidays. They live close to parents so it’s not a big inconvenience. Also, before I became pregnant they were always visiting or in touch. As soon as my siblining and I had kids, they dropped off the face of the earth.

It makes sense to me that you would be hurt by this when it happened, but now that you know the reason they didn't come to see your babies and the struggles they were facing, it makes no sense that you "can't get past the complete disregard" for your happiness. I get that it hurt at the time but if you can't have empathy now that you know what they were going through, you are definitely overreacting. Or you're just selfish.

Oh come on. If they have no relationship with nieces or nephews, that doesn't just go away.

My SIL is not married and has no kids despite desperately wanting both. She is still very close to my kids (one of whom we struggled mightily to have, if that matters). I know it must hurt her not to have kids of her own, and we are sensitive to that. But that doesn't preclude having a relationship with her niece and nephew. I am from a close family and married into a close family. It would have devastated my inlaws if SIL had pulled away because we had kids. Fortunately we all value family and family bonds too much for that. And if my SIL ever does have or adopt a child, we will celebrate with her as she celebrated with us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a child who has a disability. I also had very hard pregnancy and am now unable to have any more children. It stings sometimes when other pregnant women or moms seem to have it so easy. Despite this, I still go to all my friends and relatives baby showers and other milestones without envy and jealousy getting in the way.

OK...good for you.

People handle different things in different ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try to imagine what it was like for them to watch ALL the "other siblings" have kids in the past two years while that's what they desperately wanted and could not have. Just sit for a minute and try.

For the first baby, they could probably manage. But then the next one came, and they were still in the same spot. And then another. Same spot. Then another, same spot. And all these relatives were inviting them to baby showers and baptisms/bris events and then giving them side eye for not coming.

You know why I skipped one of my dearest friend's baby shower? I couldn't do it. Another of our friends was going to be there too, hugely pregnant. I was on year 3 of NOT being able to get pregnant. I wanted it so badly and I felt so awful DAILY that I couldn't make it happen. I could not sit there and coo over baby stuff. I'd done it just a month earlier for another friend, and it almost broke me. I was surrounded by pregnant friends at every turn (all early 30s married women).

The worst part? I hated myself for it. I felt weak and humiliated that I just could not fake it anymore. I felt sad and desperate and irrational and bitter. The only thing worse than FEELING that way was everyone else KNOWING I felt that way. I hated that I had a hard time just being happy for my friends. I wanted them to be happy! I was just so so sad for me.

My advice: love their new kid like crazy, do your best to facilitate the cousin relationship, and DROP the slights or whatever else. If you are close enough you can say "I'm sorry for what you've gone through, that must have been hard".

From someone who's been there -- this is so well put.

You know, I've been there too, as have many others, without severing relationships. Do you not go to friends' weddings if you're not married? Not celebrate with a friend who got a promotion because you didn't get one? Not forge a relationship with your nieces and nephews -- who, news flash, are your family too -- because you couldn't have kids?

Those saying OP is the selfish one should take a look at their own behavior and recommendations. In my book it's far more selfish to cut off relationships and only think about oneself and one's own pain, than it is to wonder why one's own brother and SIL never met one's kids. A couple months is one thing but OP implied it's been years. You all really think you can just blow off friends and family for years while you deal with your own pain, and then once you solve it or come to terms with it you can waltz back in like nothing happened and expect them to accept you, no questions asked, no resentment? When you blow off relationships like that, you're hurting the other person. You may be doing it out of your own pain but you are still inflicting pain.

I disagree with all these posters. OP has a right to be upset. I'm sorry for the SIL and brother, but they have acted badly here.

[Anonymous]

My takeaway from this thread-infertility really makes people turn into raging, judgmental monsters. Compassion goes both ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My takeaway from this thread-infertility really makes people turn into raging, judgmental monsters. Compassion goes both ways.

THAT'S your takeaway? You are missing an empathy chip in a big way.

[Anonymous]

I suffered infertility for years while my friends around me had babies. I am typically an upbeat person and not prone to being emotional and crying. There were days that the mere sight of a baby or a conversation with or about a pregnant women would make me feel like I was going to lose control and cry. That's how raw my emotions were. It wasn't every day, but after a failed procedure and in the low points, yes I barely had control over my emotions. And I don't want to cry all the time in front of people or at inappropriate moments. Who does?

I told no one what I was going through. Because I didn't want to talk about it. I knew I wouldn't be able to talk about it without crying.

All that said, I did not cut off relationships and I did my best to show up for people and be around their children and 80 percent of the time, I did it with a smile on my face and maybe 20 percent of the time, I hid in my house and gave myself a pass because I knew I couldn't do it.

I guess my point is, your SIL might be doing the best she can. Sounds like she could have done better, for sure. But what does it cost you to just let it go and be the bigger person and have some compassion? Nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - going forward, remember to treat their adopted kids as you would any other children in the family.

Remember, though, that even if physically obvious that these children are not of their DNA, the adoption is their story to tell. Not yours.

So I guess OP should ignore the adopted kids since that’s how her own kids were treated? Funny how that works!

I'm the one who wrote this bit:

Well, that never crossed my mind, because I am not a vengeful person and acknowledge that we are all imperfect people. BIL and SIL didn't handle their sorrow particularly well (I understand their pain, but their silence also caused pain) but if they were my family, I'd just move on and welcome them back.

That's what we do in my family. It explains how such radically different people with different world views can always show up for each other without judgment in a crisis. We aren't so great at the day-to-day (we can be judgy and gossipy within the family) but when it really matters, we show up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - going forward, remember to treat their adopted kids as you would any other children in the family.

Remember, though, that even if physically obvious that these children are not of their DNA, the adoption is their story to tell. Not yours.

So I guess OP should ignore the adopted kids since that’s how her own kids were treated? Funny how that works!

I'm the one who wrote this bit:

Well, that never crossed my mind, because I am not a vengeful person and acknowledge that we are all imperfect people. BIL and SIL didn't handle their sorrow particularly well (I understand their pain, but their silence also caused pain) but if they were my family, I'd just move on and welcome them back.

That's what we do in my family. It explains how such radically different people with different world views can always show up for each other without judgment in a crisis. We aren't so great at the day-to-day (we can be judgy and gossipy within the family) but when it really matters, we show up.

Doesn't sound like the SIL shares your view, unfortunately.

Some people just don't care about family. Your family does, and my family does, and most of my inlaws' family does ... except my MIL's brother, DH's uncle. He makes less than zero effort to see family members who live within 30 mins of him and would exert themselves to see him at the location of his choice. I say less than zero because he not only won't put himself out by a millimeter but won't even facilitate others doing all the work. My DH used to be very close to him as a child. Yet despite living 30 mins away, the uncle has never met our kids and hasn't seen DH for years, either. The last time I saw him was at our wedding 10 years ago! And this is despite multiple attempts to reach out. He returns calls and brags about his active life and that's it.

So, yeah. I'm usually a forgiving and live-and-let-live person, but there are some cases that call for more. Uncle is one of them. If he ever came waltzing back acting like he should be part of the family again, I would give him a piece of my mind before forgiving him. Not that I think he would give a shit. But if he did -- he should know what a selfish ass he's been, regardless of whatever reason he has had (which is a big mystery to us all). If OP's brother and SIL are anything like this, she has a right to be upset. It doesn't means she shouldn't forgive them. But it doesn't mean they should get off scot-free, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try to imagine what it was like for them to watch ALL the "other siblings" have kids in the past two years while that's what they desperately wanted and could not have. Just sit for a minute and try.

For the first baby, they could probably manage. But then the next one came, and they were still in the same spot. And then another. Same spot. Then another, same spot. And all these relatives were inviting them to baby showers and baptisms/bris events and then giving them side eye for not coming.

You know why I skipped one of my dearest friend's baby shower? I couldn't do it. Another of our friends was going to be there too, hugely pregnant. I was on year 3 of NOT being able to get pregnant. I wanted it so badly and I felt so awful DAILY that I couldn't make it happen. I could not sit there and coo over baby stuff. I'd done it just a month earlier for another friend, and it almost broke me. I was surrounded by pregnant friends at every turn (all early 30s married women).

The worst part? I hated myself for it. I felt weak and humiliated that I just could not fake it anymore. I felt sad and desperate and irrational and bitter. The only thing worse than FEELING that way was everyone else KNOWING I felt that way. I hated that I had a hard time just being happy for my friends. I wanted them to be happy! I was just so so sad for me.

My advice: love their new kid like crazy, do your best to facilitate the cousin relationship, and DROP the slights or whatever else. If you are close enough you can say "I'm sorry for what you've gone through, that must have been hard".

From someone who's been there -- this is so well put.

You know, I've been there too, as have many others, without severing relationships. Do you not go to friends' weddings if you're not married? Not celebrate with a friend who got a promotion because you didn't get one? Not forge a relationship with your nieces and nephews -- who, news flash, are your family too -- because you couldn't have kids?

Those saying OP is the selfish one should take a look at their own behavior and recommendations. In my book it's far more selfish to cut off relationships and only think about oneself and one's own pain, than it is to wonder why one's own brother and SIL never met one's kids. A couple months is one thing but OP implied it's been years. You all really think you can just blow off friends and family for years while you deal with your own pain, and then once you solve it or come to terms with it you can waltz back in like nothing happened and expect them to accept you, no questions asked, no resentment? When you blow off relationships like that, you're hurting the other person. You may be doing it out of your own pain but you are still inflicting pain.

I disagree with all these posters. OP has a right to be upset. I'm sorry for the SIL and brother, but they have acted badly here.

It's so much more than just not getting or having something. It may have been that way for you, but for some, it's life altering - it's stripping away a part of you and making you revisit who you thought you were your whole life. I find it unbelievable that you'd compare that to getting a promotion and saying you've been through it. Maybe you had IF issues for a little while but came away from that with a child, or you didn't feel the need to be a parent as much as others, but you have a very narrow view of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - going forward, remember to treat their adopted kids as you would any other children in the family.

Remember, though, that even if physically obvious that these children are not of their DNA, the adoption is their story to tell. Not yours.

So I guess OP should ignore the adopted kids since that’s how her own kids were treated? Funny how that works!

I'm the one who wrote this bit:

Well, that never crossed my mind, because I am not a vengeful person and acknowledge that we are all imperfect people. BIL and SIL didn't handle their sorrow particularly well (I understand their pain, but their silence also caused pain) but if they were my family, I'd just move on and welcome them back.

That's what we do in my family. It explains how such radically different people with different world views can always show up for each other without judgment in a crisis. We aren't so great at the day-to-day (we can be judgy and gossipy within the family) but when it really matters, we show up.

Doesn't sound like the SIL shares your view, unfortunately.

Some people just don't care about family. Your family does, and my family does, and most of my inlaws' family does ... except my MIL's brother, DH's uncle. He makes less than zero effort to see family members who live within 30 mins of him and would exert themselves to see him at the location of his choice. I say less than zero because he not only won't put himself out by a millimeter but won't even facilitate others doing all the work. My DH used to be very close to him as a child. Yet despite living 30 mins away, the uncle has never met our kids and hasn't seen DH for years, either. The last time I saw him was at our wedding 10 years ago! And this is despite multiple attempts to reach out. He returns calls and brags about his active life and that's it.

So, yeah. I'm usually a forgiving and live-and-let-live person, but there are some cases that call for more. Uncle is one of them. If he ever came waltzing back acting like he should be part of the family again, I would give him a piece of my mind before forgiving him. Not that I think he would give a shit. But if he did -- he should know what a selfish ass he's been, regardless of whatever reason he has had (which is a big mystery to us all). If OP's brother and SIL are anything like this, she has a right to be upset. It doesn't means she shouldn't forgive them. But it doesn't mean they should get off scot-free, either.

Christ on a cracker. You have a deranged view of what someone owes a relative. Your DH's uncle doesn't appear to have done anything wrong except being uninterested in his grown nephew and his kids. Trying to compare that to a couple that has probably been trying to simply keep it together through a huge stress is something else.

[Anonymous]

pp here again and OP's SIL and brother didn't act badly here. They acted the way they needed to.

And OP (from the sounds of it) didn't act badly either - sounds like she'll welcome their baby when it gets here and will try to move past it. She's just sharing her hurt feelings with us.

But, OP, please try to be understanding of what your SIL/brother are going through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:pp here again and OP's SIL and brother didn't act badly here. They acted the way they needed to.

And OP (from the sounds of it) didn't act badly either - sounds like she'll welcome their baby when it gets here and will try to move past it. She's just sharing her hurt feelings with us.

But, OP, please try to be understanding of what your SIL/brother are going through.

You call it "needing" something. I call it hurting your family. If I "need" space and don't call my friends for months or years, I should not be surprised if they are hurt or uninterested in hearing from me when I do get around to it. In fact, I have lived this scenario when I was drowning in work straight out of law school, and I lost friendships because of it. Finally got my head above water (aka got out of Biglaw) a few years in to find that all the relationships I'd ignored or half-assed were dead and no one wanted to reconnect. And it was my fault for being selfish and valuing my time and issues above others'.

Obviously there is no requirement that brother and SIL care about or even meet OP's kids or maintain a relationship with anyone. But OP has every right to be upset that they don't. And they should not be surprised if their choice has consequences.

[Anonymous]

You have other siblings-who knows what one of your other siblings (or your parents) said to them about their childlessness or infertility. There may be more to their decision to protect their privacy than you know.

Or maybe they just had conflicts with the family events, or wanted to spend time with your SIL's family.

It's not your brother or SIL's job to make you happy. If you were miserable because they were not at an event, that's on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - going forward, remember to treat their adopted kids as you would any other children in the family.

Remember, though, that even if physically obvious that these children are not of their DNA, the adoption is their story to tell. Not yours.

So I guess OP should ignore the adopted kids since that’s how her own kids were treated? Funny how that works!

I'm the one who wrote this bit:

Well, that never crossed my mind, because I am not a vengeful person and acknowledge that we are all imperfect people. BIL and SIL didn't handle their sorrow particularly well (I understand their pain, but their silence also caused pain) but if they were my family, I'd just move on and welcome them back.

That's what we do in my family. It explains how such radically different people with different world views can always show up for each other without judgment in a crisis. We aren't so great at the day-to-day (we can be judgy and gossipy within the family) but when it really matters, we show up.

Doesn't sound like the SIL shares your view, unfortunately.

Some people just don't care about family. Your family does, and my family does, and most of my inlaws' family does ... except my MIL's brother, DH's uncle. He makes less than zero effort to see family members who live within 30 mins of him and would exert themselves to see him at the location of his choice. I say less than zero because he not only won't put himself out by a millimeter but won't even facilitate others doing all the work. My DH used to be very close to him as a child. Yet despite living 30 mins away, the uncle has never met our kids and hasn't seen DH for years, either. The last time I saw him was at our wedding 10 years ago! And this is despite multiple attempts to reach out. He returns calls and brags about his active life and that's it.

So, yeah. I'm usually a forgiving and live-and-let-live person, but there are some cases that call for more. Uncle is one of them. If he ever came waltzing back acting like he should be part of the family again, I would give him a piece of my mind before forgiving him. Not that I think he would give a shit. But if he did -- he should know what a selfish ass he's been, regardless of whatever reason he has had (which is a big mystery to us all). If OP's brother and SIL are anything like this, she has a right to be upset. It doesn't means she shouldn't forgive them. But it doesn't mean they should get off scot-free, either.

I'm sorry you faced all that crap and bil sounds like a schmuck. As for OP's SIL (and BIL, too): we were only talking a little bit of time - a few years. I would try to get past it. I might say something later when things were restored to balance, or not.

Life is long. Grudges are unhealthy.

As for my family - yeah, my brother can do some crappy things. He might say the same about me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try to imagine what it was like for them to watch ALL the "other siblings" have kids in the past two years while that's what they desperately wanted and could not have. Just sit for a minute and try.

For the first baby, they could probably manage. But then the next one came, and they were still in the same spot. And then another. Same spot. Then another, same spot. And all these relatives were inviting them to baby showers and baptisms/bris events and then giving them side eye for not coming.

You know why I skipped one of my dearest friend's baby shower? I couldn't do it. Another of our friends was going to be there too, hugely pregnant. I was on year 3 of NOT being able to get pregnant. I wanted it so badly and I felt so awful DAILY that I couldn't make it happen. I could not sit there and coo over baby stuff. I'd done it just a month earlier for another friend, and it almost broke me. I was surrounded by pregnant friends at every turn (all early 30s married women).

The worst part? I hated myself for it. I felt weak and humiliated that I just could not fake it anymore. I felt sad and desperate and irrational and bitter. The only thing worse than FEELING that way was everyone else KNOWING I felt that way. I hated that I had a hard time just being happy for my friends. I wanted them to be happy! I was just so so sad for me.

My advice: love their new kid like crazy, do your best to facilitate the cousin relationship, and DROP the slights or whatever else. If you are close enough you can say "I'm sorry for what you've gone through, that must have been hard".

NP. I totally understand avoiding certain friends and definitely baby showers. Of course. But deciding not to have a relationship with your siblings and their kids anymore? That seems highly dysfunctional and I can't imagine a recipe for happiness in life.