SIL’s infertility issues

[Anonymous]

I sympathize with the anguish for not having their own kids ( they just finalized an adoption)

Their adopted child is their "own" child. I don't think I would want to be around someone who didn't feel that my adopted children were somehow less than my own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you just became totally obnoxious and self-centered once you had kids. This happens. People change when they have children. No one has to fawn over the amazing thing you shot out of your vagina, it's their choice, it sounds like your relatives made theirs. They do not choose to fawn and you don't like it.

This sounds like it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try to imagine what it was like for them to watch ALL the "other siblings" have kids in the past two years while that's what they desperately wanted and could not have. Just sit for a minute and try.

For the first baby, they could probably manage. But then the next one came, and they were still in the same spot. And then another. Same spot. Then another, same spot. And all these relatives were inviting them to baby showers and baptisms/bris events and then giving them side eye for not coming.

You know why I skipped one of my dearest friend's baby shower? I couldn't do it. Another of our friends was going to be there too, hugely pregnant. I was on year 3 of NOT being able to get pregnant. I wanted it so badly and I felt so awful DAILY that I couldn't make it happen. I could not sit there and coo over baby stuff. I'd done it just a month earlier for another friend, and it almost broke me. I was surrounded by pregnant friends at every turn (all early 30s married women).

The worst part? I hated myself for it. I felt weak and humiliated that I just could not fake it anymore. I felt sad and desperate and irrational and bitter. The only thing worse than FEELING that way was everyone else KNOWING I felt that way. I hated that I had a hard time just being happy for my friends. I wanted them to be happy! I was just so so sad for me.

My advice: love their new kid like crazy, do your best to facilitate the cousin relationship, and DROP the slights or whatever else. If you are close enough you can say "I'm sorry for what you've gone through, that must have been hard".

Thank you for sharing this pp. You captured so well the anguish that can be experienced. I hope OP can read this and be empathetic w/ how her SIL might have felt. Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read the whole thread, so if I am repeating someone else's comment, apologies in advance, but:

How do you now they are SIL's issues? Maybe it is your brother's?

And, regardless, if they are married, it is collectively THEIR issues.

So I find it very telling that you are specifically singling your SIL out.

[Anonymous]

Way to make it all about you, OP. Way to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try to imagine what it was like for them to watch ALL the "other siblings" have kids in the past two years while that's what they desperately wanted and could not have. Just sit for a minute and try.

For the first baby, they could probably manage. But then the next one came, and they were still in the same spot. And then another. Same spot. Then another, same spot. And all these relatives were inviting them to baby showers and baptisms/bris events and then giving them side eye for not coming.

You know why I skipped one of my dearest friend's baby shower? I couldn't do it. Another of our friends was going to be there too, hugely pregnant. I was on year 3 of NOT being able to get pregnant. I wanted it so badly and I felt so awful DAILY that I couldn't make it happen. I could not sit there and coo over baby stuff. I'd done it just a month earlier for another friend, and it almost broke me. I was surrounded by pregnant friends at every turn (all early 30s married women).

The worst part? I hated myself for it. I felt weak and humiliated that I just could not fake it anymore. I felt sad and desperate and irrational and bitter. The only thing worse than FEELING that way was everyone else KNOWING I felt that way. I hated that I had a hard time just being happy for my friends. I wanted them to be happy! I was just so so sad for me.

My advice: love their new kid like crazy, do your best to facilitate the cousin relationship, and DROP the slights or whatever else. If you are close enough you can say "I'm sorry for what you've gone through, that must have been hard".

From someone who's been there -- this is so well put.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you just became totally obnoxious and self-centered once you had kids. This happens. People change when they have children. No one has to fawn over the amazing thing you shot out of your vagina, it's their choice, it sounds like your relatives made theirs. They do not choose to fawn and you don't like it.

This is fine as long as they don’t expect OP to fawn over their new child.

[Anonymous]

Imagine how hard it was for them to watch everyone else gave kids OP.

I'm in the situation and there is no way I would have said anyone in my family we were trying:they would have either made cutting remrka about us not getting pregnant or/ and hpundedme about how it was going.

I kept on thinking that it would happen and we would also have a baby to play with their cousins. Nope. And imagine goign through this and knowing your own mother or aunt would make fun of you or minimize what you are going through. Which is what I experienced after I told them we could not have children.

And, after going through all this, we haven't money left to pursue adoption and are in our 40s now anyhow. People who casually throw around the adoption, haven't tried to do one lately. Even the foster care system where we live in only accepting people who are willing to foster children who have known special needs and medical issues.

It's not about you OP. I'm sorry your relatives weren't more forth coming, but they probably have reasons that have very little to do with you. Have fun hanging out with everyone in your family who could have kids and move on.

[Anonymous]

We've been there. It was a very dark period of my life and I'd burst into tears at the news of yet another friend getting pregnant. The tears come against my will. I was injecting myself every month with hormones; those combined with everyone I know having babies (and many onto their 2nd/3rd babies) really did a number on me. My coping strategy was avoidance. I'm not proud of it, but I had to put my own wellbeing first.

OP, they stayed away b/c it's their coping strategy, not b/c they don't feel happy for you. Don't take it personally and please, have compassion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it was too painful for them. It is really hard to watch people start families when you have been struggling for so long. Ever think about that is more about them than you?

+1, you need to get over yourself OP, it’s not about you and your children

+2. BTDT. For some of us the pain was constant and we felt fragile around others who were more fortunate. When I finally had my first, I didn't forget that other friends were still struggling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just found out my brother and his wife have been trying to have kids for years with every sort of medical intervention (IVF etc). They’ve always given the impression that they were enjoying married life without kids and wanted to travel and had no intention of wanting or liking children. My other siblings and I have all had kids in the past two years. My bro and his wife have not shown up for any family events or shown any interest in own kids. I was very hurt by all of this. I wish they would have said something. I sympathize with the anguish for not having their own kids ( they just finalized an adoption), however, I can’t get past the complete disregard for others happiness. Am I overreacting? It feels a little like-I can’t have what you have so I will make everyone miserable. I’m really trying to understand, but don’t quite get going AWOL.

OP, I'm not understanding the bolded part. They were in a dark, dark place. you're thinking they did what they did to make everyone miserable? If they wanted to do that, they'd show up to every single event and bring everyone down with them. Cry at every event and probably have all the (negative)attention on them. they were keeping misery away from you and completely regarding your happiness. You have to see that.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think a lot of the replies are harsh. It's only natural that you feel hurt and betrayed.

However ... I really think, if you want a relationship with your brother and SIL and their family, you need to let it go. Forgive them without rehashing it.

Signed,
Someone with secondary infertility who is trying to celebrate everyone else's babies but who sometimes needs a break

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's too bad they went AWOL without giving some kind of reasoning--yet, they may have wanted to keep the process completely private, not had folks asking them about it, etc. There's a cost in family closeness to that. Maybe they didn't feel that close in the first place.

This. They put a lot of distance between themselves and OP and her family. It was due to their own pain, but the distance is still there. It sounds like OP's brother and SIL didn't even try to forge a relationship with their own nieces and nephews. That's harsh and of course it affects the familial relationships.

OP, I hope you're able to forgive and be open to a closer relationship if they want it, for your kids' sakes. It's not clear if there were already fractured relationships prior to this, or if this is a new manifestation due solely to the infertility struggles. Either way, I'm so sorry. It's tough to grapple with the fact that your brother put so much distance between you at a time when most people expect family love and support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just found out my brother and his wife have been trying to have kids for years with every sort of medical intervention (IVF etc). They’ve always given the impression that they were enjoying married life without kids and wanted to travel and had no intention of wanting or liking children. My other siblings and I have all had kids in the past two years. My bro and his wife have not shown up for any family events or shown any interest in own kids. I was very hurt by all of this. I wish they would have said something. I sympathize with the anguish for not having their own kids ( they just finalized an adoption), however, I can’t get past the complete disregard for others happiness. Am I overreacting? It feels a little like-I can’t have what you have so I will make everyone miserable. I’m really trying to understand, but don’t quite get going AWOL.

As others have said, this has nothing to do with you. Get over yourself. You can't get over their disregard for others' happiness? Are you for real? You are the least sympathetic person I have ever met. How they acted had NOTHING to do with you. Repeat to yourself as needed. And change your attitude before your brother and SIL want nothing to do with you. I certainly wouldn't.

[Anonymous]

I have a child who has a disability. I also had very hard pregnancy and am now unable to have any more children. It stings sometimes when other pregnant women or moms seem to have it so easy. Despite this, I still go to all my friends and relatives baby showers and other milestones without envy and jealousy getting in the way.