SIL’s infertility issues

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should they be interested in your kids? No one thinks your kid is special except for you. Parents like you annoy so many people. Get over yourself!

OP here. I don’t expect them to show tons of enthusiasm, but we all live in various states and abroad. I thought they would at least show up when we brought babies back to our parents house over holidays. They live close to parents so it’s not a big inconvenience. Also, before I became pregnant they were always visiting or in touch. As soon as my siblining and I had kids, they dropped off the face of the earth.

Lol, you're not the only person that happens to. So are you saying that they have never met your kids???

[Anonymous]

OP - going forward, remember to treat their adopted kids as you would any other children in the family.

Remember, though, that even if physically obvious that these children are not of their DNA, the adoption is their story to tell. Not yours.

[Anonymous]

An adopted child is THEIR OWN KID, OP.

Wow. You’ll be a great auntie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just found out my brother and his wife have been trying to have kids for years with every sort of medical intervention (IVF etc). They’ve always given the impression that they were enjoying married life without kids and wanted to travel and had no intention of wanting or liking children. My other siblings and I have all had kids in the past two years. My bro and his wife have not shown up for any family events or shown any interest in own kids. I was very hurt by all of this. I wish they would have said something. I sympathize with the anguish for not having their own kids ( they just finalized an adoption)[i][u], however, I can’t get past the complete disregard for others happiness. Am I overreacting? It feels a little like-I can’t have what you have so I will make everyone miserable. I’m really trying to understand, but don’t quite get going AWOL.

They do have "their own kids" - these children who were adopted are their own, and if you want to be in these kids life, it might help to change the wording (and possibly the attitude that comes along with it)

As for the hurt you feel - I understand why you would be upset that they haven't met your kids, but try to be forgiving and understanding - that's what family members do when someone is going through a hard time.

OP here-adoption is final, but kids are not with them yet. Don’t jump to conclusions. I have a trip back to meet them when they are with them permanently and tons of gift to give.

[Anonymous]

Try to imagine what it was like for them to watch ALL the "other siblings" have kids in the past two years while that's what they desperately wanted and could not have. Just sit for a minute and try.

For the first baby, they could probably manage. But then the next one came, and they were still in the same spot. And then another. Same spot. Then another, same spot. And all these relatives were inviting them to baby showers and baptisms/bris events and then giving them side eye for not coming.

You know why I skipped one of my dearest friend's baby shower? I couldn't do it. Another of our friends was going to be there too, hugely pregnant. I was on year 3 of NOT being able to get pregnant. I wanted it so badly and I felt so awful DAILY that I couldn't make it happen. I could not sit there and coo over baby stuff. I'd done it just a month earlier for another friend, and it almost broke me. I was surrounded by pregnant friends at every turn (all early 30s married women).

The worst part? I hated myself for it. I felt weak and humiliated that I just could not fake it anymore. I felt sad and desperate and irrational and bitter. The only thing worse than FEELING that way was everyone else KNOWING I felt that way. I hated that I had a hard time just being happy for my friends. I wanted them to be happy! I was just so so sad for me.

My advice: love their new kid like crazy, do your best to facilitate the cousin relationship, and DROP the slights or whatever else. If you are close enough you can say "I'm sorry for what you've gone through, that must have been hard".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here-adoption is final, but kids are not with them yet. Don’t jump to conclusions. I have a trip back to meet them when they are with them permanently and tons of gift to give.

OP, please read this article - it might give you a little insight into what they are going through right now, and maybe a little compassion and forgiveness for their attitude towards your kids.

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/wymsel-/dear-friends-of-waiting-adoptive-moms_b_3795132.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - going forward, remember to treat their adopted kids as you would any other children in the family.

Remember, though, that even if physically obvious that these children are not of their DNA, the adoption is their story to tell. Not yours.

So I guess OP should ignore the adopted kids since that’s how her own kids were treated? Funny how that works!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - going forward, remember to treat their adopted kids as you would any other children in the family.

Remember, though, that even if physically obvious that these children are not of their DNA, the adoption is their story to tell. Not yours.

So I guess OP should ignore the adopted kids since that’s how her own kids were treated? Funny how that works!

OP here. Did you read other comments. Their child hasn’t moved in with my bro and SIL yet.

[Anonymous]

I think this is where you react naturally to their new family addition and let go of your past hurt, which is not useful and was probably not well informed, through no fault of yours and it is understandable and forgivable if they acted out of sorts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here-adoption is final, but kids are not with them yet. Don’t jump to conclusions. I have a trip back to meet them when they are with them permanently and tons of gift to give.

OP, please read this article - it might give you a little insight into what they are going through right now, and maybe a little compassion and forgiveness for their attitude towards your kids.

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/wymsel-/dear-friends-of-waiting-adoptive-moms_b_3795132.html

Thank you for this!

[Anonymous]

I can see why you're hurt that they don't show interest in your kid(s), op. Some people can't confront things that are painful to them and have a hard time being truly happy for others. Infertility is awful but so is showing a complete lack of interest or regard in your close family members, especially when those close family members are children. Perhaps they didn't share what they were going through with you because they didn't feel that you would be understanding of their struggle or sensitive to their pain. Or perhaps they just can't bear to be with any children, which would be unfortunate. Still, I think you should forgive them and move on, keeping your expectations low that they will ever change and show an interest in your kids.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you just became totally obnoxious and self-centered once you had kids. This happens. People change when they have children. No one has to fawn over the amazing thing you shot out of your vagina, it's their choice, it sounds like your relatives made theirs. They do not choose to fawn and you don't like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it was too painful for them. It is really hard to watch people start families when you have been struggling for so long. Ever think about that is more about them than you?

This. Ouch. I agree it would have been helpful if they had shared with you what they were going through, but man, I think it would be nice to extend them some grace and forgiveness for their situation.

[Anonymous]

So your reaction is not, ' OMG, my family members have been suffering with no support, I'm so sorry you went thru this'.
Instead, your ass is all like ' You missed Larla's paint by numbers party, how dare you'

What a whole donkey you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should they be interested in your kids? No one thinks your kid is special except for you. Parents like you annoy so many people. Get over yourself!

OP here. I don’t expect them to show tons of enthusiasm, but we all live in various states and abroad. I thought they would at least show up when we brought babies back to our parents house over holidays. They live close to parents so it’s not a big inconvenience. Also, before I became pregnant they were always visiting or in touch. As soon as my siblining and I had kids, they dropped off the face of the earth.

It makes sense to me that you would be hurt by this when it happened, but now that you know the reason they didn't come to see your babies and the struggles they were facing, it makes no sense that you "can't get past the complete disregard" for your happiness. I get that it hurt at the time but if you can't have empathy now that you know what they were going through, you are definitely overreacting. Or you're just selfish.

This. Now that you know why they acted the way they did, it should be easier to understand and forgive. This isn't about you. It's possible that it was just too hard for them to see their siblings' kids, that they were afraid of being asked when they were having kids, that they were afraid they would not be able to keep it together in front of you all. They didn't want to be party poopers, but they couldn't stand to listen to you all talk about your pregnancies and kids.

Honestly, I would be wondering what I did or said that made my sibling feel that he could not confide in me about his struggles.