SIL’s infertility issues

[Anonymous]

just curious. Has the OP come back and weighed in on any of this? I think we're all getting a little too invested in this and she's already moved on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, perhaps your brother and SIL did not handle their pain and grief in the best way - they didn't share with the family and pulled a disappearing act. However, I don't think you are coming from a place of compassion here. I wish you wouldn't take this as a personal affront against you and your kids, but rather their way of coping. And I hope that you can find a way to move forward and to help them engage their child in your family.

People who haven't dealt with infertility can't possibly understand how it feels. How hard it can be to attend kid-related events while knowing that's something that may never happen for you. Some people handle this better than others. I didn't withdraw when going through my treatments - I attended the baby showers and the birthday parties even though some days it was the last thing I wanted to do. However - while I kept it to myself, I had all sorts of dark thoughts and felt terrible resentment of my family and friends for conceiving easily and having healthy children, even though rationally I knew it was very unfair of me. Being pumped full of hormones certainly didn't help my emotional state. And neither did the inevitable "so why aren't you guys having babies, it's your turn" comments.

OP describes bringing the baby to parents'/brother's home town/country and then brother and SIL not coming to visit. I think it's a shame that brother and SIL coudln't or didn't share what they were going through enough at least to ask the family to make some accommodations in support of them. For instance, let the grandparents babysit and get a siblings' dinner at a restaurant. Or perhaps brother could visit without SIL, and SIL gets a pass as it's difficult and not her own family. There are ways to make an effort to maintain a caring sibling relationship IF the brother and SIL had been willing to share their struggles. Of course, there is the possibility that they knew the family would not react in a caring, supportive way. In dealing with her resentment for not being given the opportunity to come through for brother and maintain a relationship despite what he and SIL were going through, OP should try to take a realistic look at whether brother and SIL would have found a supportive, caring, understanding reaction in this family if they had shared. OP might come to a place of peace and forgiveness by realizing that, be it OP or other family members, bro and SIL had a reason to think they would not be supported in the way they requested if they did tell the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, perhaps your brother and SIL did not handle their pain and grief in the best way - they didn't share with the family and pulled a disappearing act. However, I don't think you are coming from a place of compassion here. I wish you wouldn't take this as a personal affront against you and your kids, but rather their way of coping. And I hope that you can find a way to move forward and to help them engage their child in your family.

People who haven't dealt with infertility can't possibly understand how it feels. How hard it can be to attend kid-related events while knowing that's something that may never happen for you. Some people handle this better than others. I didn't withdraw when going through my treatments - I attended the baby showers and the birthday parties even though some days it was the last thing I wanted to do. However - while I kept it to myself, I had all sorts of dark thoughts and felt terrible resentment of my family and friends for conceiving easily and having healthy children, even though rationally I knew it was very unfair of me. Being pumped full of hormones certainly didn't help my emotional state. And neither did the inevitable "so why aren't you guys having babies, it's your turn" comments.

OP describes bringing the baby to parents'/brother's home town/country and then brother and SIL not coming to visit. I think it's a shame that brother and SIL coudln't or didn't share what they were going through enough at least to ask the family to make some accommodations in support of them. For instance, let the grandparents babysit and get a siblings' dinner at a restaurant. Or perhaps brother could visit without SIL, and SIL gets a pass as it's difficult and not her own family. There are ways to make an effort to maintain a caring sibling relationship IF the brother and SIL had been willing to share their struggles. Of course, there is the possibility that they knew the family would not react in a caring, supportive way. In dealing with her resentment for not being given the opportunity to come through for brother and maintain a relationship despite what he and SIL were going through, OP should try to take a realistic look at whether brother and SIL would have found a supportive, caring, understanding reaction in this family if they had shared. OP might come to a place of peace and forgiveness by realizing that, be it OP or other family members, bro and SIL had a reason to think they would not be supported in the way they requested if they did tell the family.

They may have had a perfectly valid reason for not sharing this info.
We shared with immediate family and close friends, and there were many times I wished we hadn't. The constant quizzing about treatments, what we'd tried, suggestions to "just go on a relaxing vacation", or cut down on stress at work, or try this essential oil, or maybe it wasn't part of "God's plan", or we got what we deserved for waiting too long (we were 33 at the time), etc. Then the kicker was my mom sharing the information with virtually everyone she knew. I was furious, as I had no idea she would do that.
If they wanted to keep their medical condition (because, yes, infertility IS a medical condition) private, that's their business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You know why I skipped one of my dearest friend's baby shower? I couldn't do it. Another of our friends was going to be there too, hugely pregnant. I was on year 3 of NOT being able to get pregnant. I wanted it so badly and I felt so awful DAILY that I couldn't make it happen. I could not sit there and coo over baby stuff. I'd done it just a month earlier for another friend, and it almost broke me. I was surrounded by pregnant friends at every turn (all early 30s married women).

The worst part? I hated myself for it. I felt weak and humiliated that I just could not fake it anymore. I felt sad and desperate and irrational and bitter. The only thing worse than FEELING that way was everyone else KNOWING I felt that way. I hated that I had a hard time just being happy for my friends. I wanted them to be happy! I was just so so sad for me.

My advice: love their new kid like crazy, do your best to facilitate the cousin relationship, and DROP the slights or whatever else. If you are close enough you can say "I'm sorry for what you've gone through, that must have been hard".

All of this. Your brother was probably doing all he could possibly do to support his anguished, sad and stressed wife. She probably did the very best she could with the emotions and disappointment that she was facing. I also understand why your feelings were hurt *at the time,* but now that you know, you really need to put it behind you and develop some empathy for all they have gone through. Love on that new nephew/ niece and work to build the kind of relationship you hoped to have with them.

[Anonymous]

So, I have never struggled with infertility but I don't really feel much natural interest or affection in my nieces and nephews. I care about them insofar as I love one of their parents (my sibling), and I want them to do well in life because it will make my sibling happy. But I don't know them well enough or see them often enough to feel genuine affection for them for their own sake (much less "love" them).

I'm kind to them, I try to remember their birthdays, in person I play with them and listen patiently to their tales, and I respond politely to the photos their parents send, but I've never understood how people fall so instantly and deeply in love with kids that aren't their own (adopted or biological).

I'm assuming if I lived in the same town as them and saw them every day or near to it, I would grow to love them truly. But they're just kids I see twice a year; how on earth would I love them when I don't even know them?

All this to say, maybe your brother and SIL are more like me? And then adding infertility on top of that, no wonder they didn't prioritize spending time with your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All the people criticizing the brother and SIL--they are not writing in for advice. It doesn't actually matter whether their withdrawal was justified. OP is writing in, and the advice has to be to her. So, yes, she can feel self-righteous or nurse her hurt and offense, but what good will that do her? She now knows that her brother and his wife struggled with infertility for years. She can choose to have compassion for them, forgive them for the slight, and move forward, or she can choose to make it all about her and be right but isolated and angry. Personally, I'd choose the former. I wouldn't feel the need to punish my brother, or withhold affection from my niece or nephew. You don't have to impose consequences on them if you don't want to, and I wouldn't want to. Because I'd rather have my family be close than be right.

OP's brother & SIL already aren't close to her, and it's not clear that they want her to forgive and forget and be close. It's not even clear that they apologized or said it was due to infertility. And OP doesn't have to be isolated - it's not like her brother and his wife are her only chance to avoid isolation.

[Anonymous]

You sound like you’ve never dealt with infertility or loss. It is a profoundly gut-wrenching sort of misery. It infiltrates almost every waking moment. It is so bad that some women get anxiety attacks just being in the same building as a baby or a pregnant woman. It’s not that your brother and SIL didn’t want to be happy for you. She probably agonized over every single event she didn’t attend wondering if it was better to risk having a meltdown in front of you (and then having to explain her long saga of infertility) or not attend and miss out on the possibility of wonderful new relationships. Instead of being annoyed, try to have some compassion for them and be thankful you will never have to know the horrible pain they are suffering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should they be interested in your kids? No one thinks your kid is special except for you. Parents like you annoy so many people. Get over yourself!

OP here. I don’t expect them to show tons of enthusiasm, but we all live in various states and abroad. I thought they would at least show up when we brought babies back to our parents house over holidays. They live close to parents so it’s not a big inconvenience. Also, before I became pregnant they were always visiting or in touch. As soon as my siblining and I had kids, they dropped off the face of the earth.

They tried every type of fertility treatment and then adopted? They obviously *really* wanted kids. You don't understand how maybe while they were coping w/ being $40K in the hole and OHSS and the effects of a million hormone shots and their third miscarriage/false positive/total letdown, they might not have felt up to family events *centered around* new babies? Get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like you’ve never dealt with infertility or loss. It is a profoundly gut-wrenching sort of misery. It infiltrates almost every waking moment. It is so bad that some women get anxiety attacks just being in the same building as a baby or a pregnant woman. It’s not that your brother and SIL didn’t want to be happy for you. She probably agonized over every single event she didn’t attend wondering if it was better to risk having a meltdown in front of you (and then having to explain her long saga of infertility) or not attend and miss out on the possibility of wonderful new relationships. Instead of being annoyed, try to have some compassion for them and be thankful you will never have to know the horrible pain they are suffering.

So true. I remember feeling like I wasn't allowed into Babies R Us or any other type of baby store. It felt like some super-special secret kind of club that I was not allowed in. When I got an invitation to a baby shower, I felt like red alarms would blare off as I walked through the automated doors like, "Sterile!!! Lady not allowed! Doesn't belong here!!" I crept in, grabbed something from the list, went through checkout and mumbled, "NO,' when I was asked if I was part of their frequent customers or whatever it is, wrapped it with the free wrapping paper behind the check-out lines, and got the heck outta dodge. My breathing and heart rate slowed, and my palms dried from their sweatiness, the further I got from that store.

We went through everything IF related (timed intercourse, clomid, IUS, injectables, IVF, FETs, etc. Nothing covered by insurance so we were all self-pay. Have now adopted two and I am finally a member of the "club" again. You just get to a point where goin to child-centered events seems insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like you’ve never dealt with infertility or loss. It is a profoundly gut-wrenching sort of misery. It infiltrates almost every waking moment. It is so bad that some women get anxiety attacks just being in the same building as a baby or a pregnant woman. It’s not that your brother and SIL didn’t want to be happy for you. She probably agonized over every single event she didn’t attend wondering if it was better to risk having a meltdown in front of you (and then having to explain her long saga of infertility) or not attend and miss out on the possibility of wonderful new relationships. Instead of being annoyed, try to have some compassion for them and be thankful you will never have to know the horrible pain they are suffering.

So true. I remember feeling like I wasn't allowed into Babies R Us or any other type of baby store. It felt like some super-special secret kind of club that I was not allowed in. When I got an invitation to a baby shower, I felt like red alarms would blare off as I walked through the automated doors like, "Sterile!!! Lady not allowed! Doesn't belong here!!" I crept in, grabbed something from the list, went through checkout and mumbled, "NO,' when I was asked if I was part of their frequent customers or whatever it is, wrapped it with the free wrapping paper behind the check-out lines, and got the heck outta dodge. My breathing and heart rate slowed, and my palms dried from their sweatiness, the further I got from that store.

We went through everything IF related (timed intercourse, clomid, IUS, injectables, IVF, FETs, etc. Nothing covered by insurance so we were all self-pay. Have now adopted two and I am finally a member of the "club" again. You just get to a point where goin to child-centered events seems insane.

PS And now that I think about it, the funny thing is: I *still* don't like Babies R Us! That place freaks me out! It just carries baaaaad memories for me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like you’ve never dealt with infertility or loss. It is a profoundly gut-wrenching sort of misery. It infiltrates almost every waking moment. It is so bad that some women get anxiety attacks just being in the same building as a baby or a pregnant woman. It’s not that your brother and SIL didn’t want to be happy for you. She probably agonized over every single event she didn’t attend wondering if it was better to risk having a meltdown in front of you (and then having to explain her long saga of infertility) or not attend and miss out on the possibility of wonderful new relationships. Instead of being annoyed, try to have some compassion for them and be thankful you will never have to know the horrible pain they are suffering.

So true. I remember feeling like I wasn't allowed into Babies R Us or any other type of baby store. It felt like some super-special secret kind of club that I was not allowed in. When I got an invitation to a baby shower, I felt like red alarms would blare off as I walked through the automated doors like, "Sterile!!! Lady not allowed! Doesn't belong here!!" I crept in, grabbed something from the list, went through checkout and mumbled, "NO,' when I was asked if I was part of their frequent customers or whatever it is, wrapped it with the free wrapping paper behind the check-out lines, and got the heck outta dodge. My breathing and heart rate slowed, and my palms dried from their sweatiness, the further I got from that store.

We went through everything IF related (timed intercourse, clomid, IUS, injectables, IVF, FETs, etc. Nothing covered by insurance so we were all self-pay. Have now adopted two and I am finally a member of the "club" again. You just get to a point where goin to child-centered events seems insane.

But is spending time at your parents' house with your siblings whom you've always been close with really a "child-centered event"?