SIL’s infertility issues

[Anonymous]

Your inlaws sound selfish. I'm theaunt without kids whowishes I did, yet I'm close to my nephews, attend showers/birthdays/other events as I'm able to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just found out my brother and his wife have been trying to have kids for years with every sort of medical intervention (IVF etc). They’ve always given the impression that they were enjoying married life without kids and wanted to travel and had no intention of wanting or liking children. My other siblings and I have all had kids in the past two years. My bro and his wife have not shown up for any family events or shown any interest in own kids. I was very hurt by all of this. I wish they would have said something. I sympathize with the anguish for not having their own kids ( they just finalized an adoption), however, I can’t get past the complete disregard for others happiness. Am I overreacting? It feels a little like-I can’t have what you have so I will make everyone miserable. I’m really trying to understand, but don’t quite get going AWOL.

Does OP even know if the reason the bro and SIL ghosted was due to infertility issues? Maybe they find OP and other similar family members annoying and choose to keep their distance.

Having said this, OP is very selfish. The focus of the post is all about her feelings with zero consideration of the pain of what bro and SIL are going through. The underlying issue doesn't even matter, OP is unable to realize that this is not all about her. I see why bro and SIL are choosing to stay away.

[Anonymous]

Op - the time to be hurt has passed. The fact that these people hurt you - has passed. By holding on to your resentment YOU are now the bad guy. Let it go.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound terrible.

You don't know what it's like not to be able to have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Infertility is not an excuse to check out. They should have been involved with their niece's/nephews.

I agree completely. It's one thing to have a hard time with pregnancy announcements, even to skip baby showers and the like. It's entirely another to completely reject and make zero effort to spend time around your nieces and nephews once they're actually here - real people (close family members!) who are growing and changing as individuals. They're no longer just amorphous "babies" that you don't have yourself at that point.. Having a hard time reacting joyfully to another pregnant announcement or a hard time being around someone when they're pregnant is one thing; avoiding your own nieces and nephews is another. That's absolutely offensive and wrong on their parts, and not excused by infertility.

Very well said by these posters.

And yes, I experienced infertility, but eventually did have children with interventions. I remember barely making it through a baby shower, then skipping future ones to preserve my sanity. But I still maintained friendships with pregnant friends, came to see the baby and brought gifts, stayed in the lives of my friends & their kids, etc. Of course I stayed in the lives of my siblings and their kids. That's not even a question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Infertility is not an excuse to check out. They should have been involved with their niece's/nephews.

I agree completely. It's one thing to have a hard time with pregnancy announcements, even to skip baby showers and the like. It's entirely another to completely reject and make zero effort to spend time around your nieces and nephews once they're actually here - real people (close family members!) who are growing and changing as individuals. They're no longer just amorphous "babies" that you don't have yourself at that point.. Having a hard time reacting joyfully to another pregnant announcement or a hard time being around someone when they're pregnant is one thing; avoiding your own nieces and nephews is another. That's absolutely offensive and wrong on their parts, and not excused by infertility.

Spoken like someone who has never had to struggle.

NP here and I totally agree with the poster commenting about being in their niece and nephews' lives. And yes, I have infertility issues (IUI, IVF, 3 years of trying), I do not have a child and I absolutely adore my young nephews and have since day one.

Good for you. Others are different and it's silly you would think everyone should act as you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Infertility is not an excuse to check out. They should have been involved with their niece's/nephews.

I agree completely. It's one thing to have a hard time with pregnancy announcements, even to skip baby showers and the like. It's entirely another to completely reject and make zero effort to spend time around your nieces and nephews once they're actually here - real people (close family members!) who are growing and changing as individuals. They're no longer just amorphous "babies" that you don't have yourself at that point.. Having a hard time reacting joyfully to another pregnant announcement or a hard time being around someone when they're pregnant is one thing; avoiding your own nieces and nephews is another. That's absolutely offensive and wrong on their parts, and not excused by infertility.

Spoken like someone who has never had to struggle.

You're wrong actually, it took me almost 4 years to get (and stay) pregnant. And you can bet it got harder and hrder for me to put on a happy face and act thrilled when people shared pregnancy news with me. Private cries, skipping baby showers and gender reveals? I did it. But I cannot IMAGINE not ever seeing my nieces and nephews as they grew and became toddlers etc. Can't imagine! I love kids...and I love the hell out of them.

How far does this logic go for you? Do you avoid your siblings' kids through the teenage years, because it's too painful of a reminder that you don't have a teenager of your own? Do you suddenly start trying to forge a relationship with them when they turn 20?

Honestly, I'd like to know your logic here

The logic is that everyone is different and it's dumb to impose your view on others. Simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Infertility is not an excuse to check out. They should have been involved with their niece's/nephews.

I agree completely. It's one thing to have a hard time with pregnancy announcements, even to skip baby showers and the like. It's entirely another to completely reject and make zero effort to spend time around your nieces and nephews once they're actually here - real people (close family members!) who are growing and changing as individuals. They're no longer just amorphous "babies" that you don't have yourself at that point.. Having a hard time reacting joyfully to another pregnant announcement or a hard time being around someone when they're pregnant is one thing; avoiding your own nieces and nephews is another. That's absolutely offensive and wrong on their parts, and not excused by infertility.

Spoken like someone who has never had to struggle.

NP here and I totally agree with the poster commenting about being in their niece and nephews' lives. And yes, I have infertility issues (IUI, IVF, 3 years of trying), I do not have a child and I absolutely adore my young nephews and have since day one.

Good for you. Others are different and it's silly you would think everyone should act as you did.[/quoteP

PP here, I wasn't clear enough in my response but I was describing my situation as a counter argument to the poster who wrote "spoken like someone who never has to struggle with infertility" because yes it is silly to think everyone should act like me during a friend's pregnancy. Not ever seeing the child for a year I cannot understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Infertility is not an excuse to check out. They should have been involved with their niece's/nephews.

I agree completely. It's one thing to have a hard time with pregnancy announcements, even to skip baby showers and the like. It's entirely another to completely reject and make zero effort to spend time around your nieces and nephews once they're actually here - real people (close family members!) who are growing and changing as individuals. They're no longer just amorphous "babies" that you don't have yourself at that point.. Having a hard time reacting joyfully to another pregnant announcement or a hard time being around someone when they're pregnant is one thing; avoiding your own nieces and nephews is another. That's absolutely offensive and wrong on their parts, and not excused by infertility.

Spoken like someone who has never had to struggle.

NP here and I totally agree with the poster commenting about being in their niece and nephews' lives. And yes, I have infertility issues (IUI, IVF, 3 years of trying), I do not have a child and I absolutely adore my young nephews and have since day one.

Good for you. Others are different and it's silly you would think everyone should act as you did.[/quoteP

PP here, I wasn't clear enough in my response but I was describing my situation as a counter argument to the poster who wrote "spoken like someone who never has to struggle with infertility" because yes it is silly to think everyone should act like me during a friend's pregnancy. Not ever seeing the child for a year I cannot understand.

PP here, I wasn't clear enough in my response but I was describing my situation as a counter argument to the poster who wrote "spoken like someone who never has to struggle with infertility" because yes it is silly to think everyone should act like me during a friend's pregnancy. Not ever seeing the child for a year I cannot understand.

[Anonymous]

I’ll be honest - I wonder if part of this is family culture, that drove brother and SIL.

SO MANY people on the parent track start imposing on others who are childless, that this is the norm, and make you feel like crap for not adapting.

I can’t tell you how many times I was asked by family members who were parents “so when are you guys finally going to become parents?”, or subjected to rude comments about how we were old enough and apparently settled enough to stop being selfish, etc. and have kids already. Snide (but apparently joking) comments about being DINKS like the couple in Christmas Vacation, etc. Lectures about how awesome parenthood is, and being told I didn’t know love in it’s full capacity because I didn’t have kids yet. Wistful comments from the grandparents about how they had to give all of DHs old toys to his nieces and nephews because they might not be around one day to see any other of their grandchildren play with them.

It was only a few comments each time we visited, but it was EVERY time, and every phone call, and so pointed and made me feel so excluded from their little parent club. I skipped out on two major holidays because I really just didn’t want to be jabbed At for not being a mother “yet”.

I’ve since had DD. Of course, everyone is through the moon. They’ve tried to cultivate the relationship even more, but I’m done. I will make sure that DD has a relationship, but I’ll never forget that most of my value to them was to breed, instead of being a whole person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ll be honest - I wonder if part of this is family culture, that drove brother and SIL.

SO MANY people on the parent track start imposing on others who are childless, that this is the norm, and make you feel like crap for not adapting.

I can’t tell you how many times I was asked by family members who were parents “so when are you guys finally going to become parents?”, or subjected to rude comments about how we were old enough and apparently settled enough to stop being selfish, etc. and have kids already. Snide (but apparently joking) comments about being DINKS like the couple in Christmas Vacation, etc. Lectures about how awesome parenthood is, and being told I didn’t know love in it’s full capacity because I didn’t have kids yet. Wistful comments from the grandparents about how they had to give all of DHs old toys to his nieces and nephews because they might not be around one day to see any other of their grandchildren play with them.

It was only a few comments each time we visited, but it was EVERY time, and every phone call, and so pointed and made me feel so excluded from their little parent club. I skipped out on two major holidays because I really just didn’t want to be jabbed At for not being a mother “yet”.

I’ve since had DD. Of course, everyone is through the moon. They’ve tried to cultivate the relationship even more, but I’m done. I will make sure that DD has a relationship, but I’ll never forget that most of my value to them was to breed, instead of being a whole person.

+1

This was my experience too. I already felt like crap, and then to be dinged by DH's family constantly was just too much. And, I really didn't want to get into my fertility issues with DH's intrusive family.

My advice is to have compassion, forgive, and move on. OP you can alienate her more or work towards becoming a family again. Your choice.

[Anonymous]

When we were struggling with fertility issues, we lived far away so there were no day to day issues with family, but...

we spread a rumor that we didn't want kids

(that was after answering the phone one day to be greeted with "are you pregnant yet?")

the kept the family off our backs.

Every family is different. We all handle problems differently. Sometimes well, sometimes poorly, sometimes a mix (as is the case with both parties here). Good to cut each other some slack.

Neither SIL/BIL or OP are such wretched people that a breach is the right response.

OP - You don't want this: When your kids are 14 and ask why they don't have a relationship with their cousins, you respond because in 2018 your aunt snubbed me.

[Anonymous]

All the people criticizing the brother and SIL--they are not writing in for advice. It doesn't actually matter whether their withdrawal was justified. OP is writing in, and the advice has to be to her. So, yes, she can feel self-righteous or nurse her hurt and offense, but what good will that do her? She now knows that her brother and his wife struggled with infertility for years. She can choose to have compassion for them, forgive them for the slight, and move forward, or she can choose to make it all about her and be right but isolated and angry. Personally, I'd choose the former. I wouldn't feel the need to punish my brother, or withhold affection from my niece or nephew. You don't have to impose consequences on them if you don't want to, and I wouldn't want to. Because I'd rather have my family be close than be right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Infertility is not an excuse to check out. They should have been involved with their niece's/nephews.

I agree completely. It's one thing to have a hard time with pregnancy announcements, even to skip baby showers and the like. It's entirely another to completely reject and make zero effort to spend time around your nieces and nephews once they're actually here - real people (close family members!) who are growing and changing as individuals. They're no longer just amorphous "babies" that you don't have yourself at that point.. Having a hard time reacting joyfully to another pregnant announcement or a hard time being around someone when they're pregnant is one thing; avoiding your own nieces and nephews is another. That's absolutely offensive and wrong on their parts, and not excused by infertility.

Spoken like someone who has never had to struggle.

You're wrong actually, it took me almost 4 years to get (and stay) pregnant. And you can bet it got harder and hrder for me to put on a happy face and act thrilled when people shared pregnancy news with me. Private cries, skipping baby showers and gender reveals? I did it. But I cannot IMAGINE not ever seeing my nieces and nephews as they grew and became toddlers etc. Can't imagine! I love kids...and I love the hell out of them.

How far does this logic go for you? Do you avoid your siblings' kids through the teenage years, because it's too painful of a reminder that you don't have a teenager of your own? Do you suddenly start trying to forge a relationship with them when they turn 20?

Honestly, I'd like to know your logic here

The logic is that everyone is different and it's dumb to impose your view on others. Simple.

PP was asking what YOUR logic is, and I'd like to know to. Do you immediately cut anyone and everyone out of your life the moment they become pregnant, never to let them back in? Do you decide it's less painful to see 12 year olds, and attempt to abruptly enter their lives and get to know them then? Do you avoid any and all children, forever and ever? How does this work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try to imagine what it was like for them to watch ALL the "other siblings" have kids in the past two years while that's what they desperately wanted and could not have. Just sit for a minute and try.

For the first baby, they could probably manage. But then the next one came, and they were still in the same spot. And then another. Same spot. Then another, same spot. And all these relatives were inviting them to baby showers and baptisms/bris events and then giving them side eye for not coming.

You know why I skipped one of my dearest friend's baby shower? I couldn't do it. Another of our friends was going to be there too, hugely pregnant. I was on year 3 of NOT being able to get pregnant. I wanted it so badly and I felt so awful DAILY that I couldn't make it happen. I could not sit there and coo over baby stuff. I'd done it just a month earlier for another friend, and it almost broke me. I was surrounded by pregnant friends at every turn (all early 30s married women).

The worst part? I hated myself for it. I felt weak and humiliated that I just could not fake it anymore. I felt sad and desperate and irrational and bitter. The only thing worse than FEELING that way was everyone else KNOWING I felt that way. I hated that I had a hard time just being happy for my friends. I wanted them to be happy! I was just so so sad for me.

My advice: love their new kid like crazy, do your best to facilitate the cousin relationship, and DROP the slights or whatever else. If you are close enough you can say "I'm sorry for what you've gone through, that must have been hard".

From someone who's been there -- this is so well put.

You know, I've been there too, as have many others, without severing relationships. Do you not go to friends' weddings if you're not married? Not celebrate with a friend who got a promotion because you didn't get one? Not forge a relationship with your nieces and nephews -- who, news flash, are your family too -- because you couldn't have kids?

Those saying OP is the selfish one should take a look at their own behavior and recommendations. In my book it's far more selfish to cut off relationships and only think about oneself and one's own pain, than it is to wonder why one's own brother and SIL never met one's kids. A couple months is one thing but OP implied it's been years. You all really think you can just blow off friends and family for years while you deal with your own pain, and then once you solve it or come to terms with it you can waltz back in like nothing happened and expect them to accept you, no questions asked, no resentment? When you blow off relationships like that, you're hurting the other person. You may be doing it out of your own pain but you are still inflicting pain.

I disagree with all these posters. OP has a right to be upset. I'm sorry for the SIL and brother, but they have acted badly here.

So I'm the PP who wrote the 13:53 response yesterday about my experience with infertility.

Several people have made this point, about being a bad friend or family member while going through something difficult. I don't think infertility excuses you from being a decent person. I did skip one of my dear friend's baby showers, and I attended other ones all during this time. But when I made that decision it was completely in self-preservation, it was not to inflict pain. I was in a really bad spot. Did that last for years? For me, it did not. But there were several months when things all of a sudden seemed hopeless and I was REALLY down and upset about it. Her baby shower fell in that time.

I'm not trying to excuse all bad behavior because you're in pain. I maintained friendships and didn't cut anyone off. But I can totally relate to dreading events I used to find fun. It does sound like OP's brother and SIL went extreme. I would not have been able to avoid meeting a niece or nephew, and I wouldn't have wanted to miss that. I was just trying to elicit some compassion for what her brother and SIL have been through. If the relationship is important enough, I'd work hard to move past their missteps, even if I carried a little hurt with me over it for a bit.

This is why, if we are lucky, life is long and we have time to make amends and do things better next time. I think we could all use some grace, OP included.